By Way of the Rose (21 page)

“Is everything all right, John?’ She asked when seeing the tears in his eyes.

“I'm lost in my memories of you and of time gone by. Of times, never to be recaptured, time that I missed. Where did that little girl go? Where did my little Princess go?”

“Your little
Princess
?” An enormous wave of fiery anger suddenly seemed to erupt from Sarah. “Little Princess indeed! I use to believe that lie, I used to be so gullible, how stupid I was,” Sarah snarled. “The notion that I was dear to you faded a long time ago, sweet brother.”

“You doubt how much I care? Do you know how hard it was for me to stay away? You don't understand!” John was shocked by her sudden vehemence. He'd never imagined Sarah like this.

“All I understand is that I've been here waiting for you, praying for you day after day but you never felt the need to see me at all. I would have given anything for just a glimpse of you. Now you have the nerve to tell me you're disappointed because I'm not your ‘little Princess’ anymore? What did you think, John? That I would remain a child forever? Did you think you had locked me away frozen in time until you decided to return? I have lived every day for you, for your letters, for your return. Longing for your love and kindness while Nathan tormented me. He tormented me beyond reason! He is my worst nightmare come to life and I bore it alone because you ran away, because you couldn't handle him. You left me, your ‘Princess’ to handle him all alone!”

“Oh, Sarah!” John reached out to her and took her in his arms. “Forgive me! I thought I made it harder on you and everyone else. I thought it was only me who made him bitter.”

Sarah pushed John away. “Well, you think long and hard. See if you can figure out who he took it out on when you left. I, your Princess, had to stay here and take what you couldn't! I thank God I grew up... no one protected me. No one! Thank God I'm grown! Thank God I'm not that completely helpless little girl anymore!” Tears began to roll down Sarah's cheeks.

Again John took her in his arms. “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I had no idea it was like this. I did what I thought was right. I was just a boy myself, and wanted to make things better for everyone. But you must know that I love you more than my life!”

She buried her face in his chest as she sobbed. “Oh John, I had no idea I was this bitter. I'm just so angry! It's just that you left and he stayed. It isn't fair, it'll never be fair to you or to me!” John held her tightly as she went on. “I remember how it was. I remember how Nathan made you feel. I just needed you. I'm angry because I couldn't have you and then, to get letters from you telling me about that Tad girl. Why not me instead of her? If you had room for her, why not for me? Why John? Why? Why didn't you come and get me?”

“Too many questions I can't tell you the answers to. I'm angry and hurt. You have to know that. You have to know I wanted you with me. I tried to let Tad take your place because I missed you so bad.” John kissed her on the forehead and gently wiped the tears away from her face. “But my work wouldn't let me bring my family into it. Tad had to be there and that's the only reason she was. She helped fill the void in my heart caused when I had to leave you, but she never could take your place. You are my Princess, don't you ever doubt that, my Sarah!”

“I'm sorry, but I thought I'd explode if I didn't let this out. I didn't mean to take it out on you. I love you too, John.”

“Come on, my Princess, you have children to teach.” He smoothed back a strand of Sarah's dark hair. “I can't undo the past. But I'm here now and I will do anything to make it up to you and to make you happy.”

“If you go away again, you must promise to take me with you. Don't ever leave me here. If you leave me again I'll die, I'll just die! Your being here has given me something back, something I lost when you went away. I can't live like that ever again! I can't! If you run off and leave me here, I'll just die! I'll be bitter and hateful and I'll hate you most of all for leaving me!”

“All right, all right. I'll take you with me, just please stop crying! I'll never leave you again.”

“You promise? You swear?”

“Yes, yes! With all my heart I swear it! I swear I'll never leave you again.” John hugged her close. “You'll always be my beautiful Princess,” He whispered softly. The smell of her hair and the feel of her in his arms made him completely forget about the little girl as he wanted to hold this woman for the rest of his life. He suddenly stepped back. “Now, let's go. Want a piggy back ride?” He laughed, trying to bring himself back to little Sarah.

“Maybe, on the way home.” She gave him a weak smile.

“I saw you and Miss. Sarah walking to the school.” Mr. Hamilton smiled as John entered the store. “It sure is great seeing you two together again. Like old times around here. I remember when you used to bring that little one to town on your back. Goodness, how long ago was that? Seems just like yesterday.”

“I know, I should have come back before now.”

“What kept you away so long?”

“I wish everyone would stop asking me that. It was business and Nathan.”

“Nathan more than business I suppose, huh? I figured as much. That boy walks around with a chip on his shoulder the size of a boulder. Nobody can get along with him... or he can't get along with nobody. Whichever way you wanna take it.”

“I never could figure him out. I don't know what he wants. But I can guarantee you, it isn't me!” John shook his head. “Well, old man, you have any good books in stock?”

“I don't know if they're good or not. The boy that used to order them for me just up and left town. I wouldn't know a good book if it bit me.” They laughed and talked as if no time at all had passed.

John strolled over to the library and sat at the table where he and Sarah had spent so many happy hours. He could almost see that little girl sitting there, with her bright eyes and cheerful face. “Mr. Elf Goes To Town,” John whispered to himself as he slowly walked out the door and started on the path that cut through the woods toward home. He remembered them playing hide and seek among the bushes and trees. Their laughter rang to the far ends of the woods as he pretended not to know where she was, yet all she had hidden was her little face behind the small sapling that was now a tall, full tree with birds nesting in its branches.

It was almost eleven o'clock when John got home. “Did you throw the biscuits away, Momma?” His cheerful voice rang out as he walked in.

She smiled back at him. “Yes, I did. But guess what? I made fresh ones just for you.”

“Now, Momma, I remember when you'd have called that pure wasteful.”

“Well this is a special day. My prodigal son is home and he deserves fresh hot ones, don't you think?” She hugged him. “I'm so glad you're here. It gets lonesome in this big house when everyone is gone. Day after day, I sit here all alone. It's so hard when I'm used to a big family and children always underfoot. It's just lonesome. Sometimes I even miss the old cabin. Everyone being so close and together, ya know?”

“I never thought of it. I suppose you must get terrible lonesome.”

“Well, you're here now. Let's talk and eat those biscuits!” She smiled as she took the biscuits from the stove.

Weeks passed and John eased back into his place in the family. He began doing chores with Daniel. But when Sarah got home in the evenings, they spent every available minute together. Sometimes they'd sit down by the spring for hours just talking and getting to know each other again. She fascinated John with her mature personality and in-depth understanding. He just sat there looking long into her eyes as she talked to him about her students. The bright ones, the ones who challenged her, and the ones who were just downright incorrigible.

John being home was like a dream come true for Sarah. When Nathan came over John would whisk her away from his torment, keeping everything peaceful in her world. John was here, she was safe and she had him all to herself.

“Sarah, would you like to go into town with me and the twins this afternoon? We're going to have tea with Mrs. Hamilton and let her measure the girls for their summer frocks,” Marion asked.

“No, I guess I'll stay here and wait for John to get done in the field. He promised he'd help me pick some blackberries for a cobbler.”

“I may not be back in time to make a cobbler,” Marion snapped.

“Oh, I'll make it. I remember how you do it.”

“Well, in that case, do you think you can remember how to cook the whole supper too? That would be more useful than you flitting around all day with your brother.”

“Yes, ma'am. I surely can.”

“Well, we won't rush back then, have it ready by supper time. We'll all be hungry.”

“I know. Just go and have a good time. Tell Mrs. Hamilton hello for me.”

Sarah busied herself preparing what she would cook for supper. Later she and John would pick the berries for the cobbler. As she waited for John to come in she cleaned the house and peeled the potatoes. She heard someone coming and looked out the window as Nathan rode up to the house, hopped down from the wagon and lumbered in.

“Where's everybody?” he snapped.

“John and Poppa are working. Momma and the twins went into town.”

“When will they be back?”

“I have no idea.”

“Well, when did they leave, oh bright one? Don't smart with me you wench! You must have a little bit of an idea!” Sarah could tell that he was somewhat tipsy.

“They left about an hour ago, I guess. I'm supposed to have supper ready when everyone comes in. So, I suppose they'll be home by supper time.”

“What are you cookin’ up? Savage stew?” He let a loud guff-haw.

“No, it's idiots’ delight. You
are
staying for supper, aren't you? So, I'm sure
you'll
be delighted!” Sarah was shocked at her outburst. What was wrong with her? Just who did she think she was? Stupid, stupid, Sarah! John being home had given her a voice, but she trembled as she realized who she had used it on... Nathan, of all people, and there was no one else around. He lumbered toward her, his eyes narrowed.

“You watch yourself, or I'll slap the taste off that wagging tongue of yours.”

“You're the one to be watching himself. I'm not afraid of you anymore!” Sarah lied. She was terrified. She was just as scared of Nathan as she'd even been. Even more so now that she'd been so brazen as to sling a scathing retort.

“Why ain't you scared
anymore
? Because your precious John is here? I'll slap you both into tomorrow!” He drew back his fist toward Sarah and she backed away from him.

“If you hit me John will see... I'll tell him you did it! I won't lie for you this time! I swear, I'll tell him!”

“Just what is that little pansy boy of yours going to do to me?” He grabbed Sarah by the arm. She kicked him, as hard as she could in the shin. He bent down to rub his stinging leg. “You got it now gal!” He hissed as she ran upstairs into her room and shut the door. “Get out here you damn witch!” She stood against the door. He pushed against it harder and harder until she couldn't hold it any longer. She fell back onto the floor and Nathan stepped into the room.

“Get out!” She screamed. “Leave me alone! Get out of my room!”

“Oh, you don't want me in your room?” He grabbed her by her hair and pulled her up towards him. “Then we better get out of here.” He slapped her into the hallway. He grabbed her and drew back his fist just as John topped the stairs.

“Don't you dare!” His voice sounded like it thundered from somewhere deep inside him like a tiger's roar. Nathan looked up in shock. Surely his every nerve ending must have bristled at the coldness in John's rage. But Sarah knew he wouldn't show fear! He wouldn't back down!

He stiffened his back in defiance. “What is it with you and this savage witch?” He yelled. “You act like she's a bit more than your sister, if you ask me!”

“You nasty-minded bastard! Get out of this house before I throw you out.”

“Ha! Like it's yours. I'll stay here as long as I want to. Sarah's bewitched little man ain't gonna tell me what to do. Throw me out indeed, you might break a sweat and then what?” Nathan drunkenly swaggered up to John and boldly shoved his chest into him.

“You reek of liquor. I'm not fighting a simple minded drunk. Come on, Sarah, if he won't leave we will.” John took Sarah and went down the stairs.

Nathan was close behind them. “Oh, ‘simple minded’ am I now?” He grasped John by his shoulder and pulled him around. “You ready to finish what we started those years ago before you took off like the little Pansy you are?”

John pulled around and kept walking. Nathan grabbed Sarah and slung her aside. She landed hard against the wall. John's anger erupted and he flew into Nathan with all his might.

“Stop it! Oh please stop!” Sarah cried out. They didn't hear her. They didn't choose to hear her. Nothing mattered to them except delivering the hardest blow they could muster up. They tumbled backwards into a curio knocking it over and shattering the delicate figurines that Marion so prized, but still they fought. Sarah ran with all her might to get Daniel. By the time they got back the fight was over. John sat at the foot of the stairs, the house was a shambles and Nathan was gone.

“Good God Almighty, look at this, look at what you've done to your momma's house! What's wrong with you two bull-headed idiots? I hope you're both proud of yourselves! Where's Nathan?”

“He tucked his tail between his legs and ran home like the coward he is. I wanted to kill him this time, Poppa... I swear I did!”

“He's your brother, boy!”

“He's not my brother! He's never been my brother! I don't know who the hell he is!”

“Don't you talk that way in my house!”

“This is it Poppa... I'm leaving. I can't take it. I'll kill him if I stay. I'm going to get this place cleaned up and then I'm gone.”

“You'll break your mother's heart if you leave like this again.”

“How broke will Momma's heart be if her sons kill each other? I see now that Nathan and I will never get along. I know he loves me and I love him... I don't know what this is. I don't know what this is. I don't understand this.” He looked around the shattered house in frustration. “I don't like it anymore than anyone else. It breaks my heart to have to leave again... to have to leave after something like this again.” John hung his head. “It's my own fault. I should have moved on before now. I felt it building up but I thought I could control myself, but when I saw him hit Sarah... Oh, Poppa, it was foolish of me to think I could stay. It just felt so good to be home. I wanted it to work so bad.”