Can You Forgive Her? (19 page)

‘Dearest Alice,’ he said, ‘I have resolved to go to London at once. I will be with you in the evening at eight, the day after tomorrow.

            ‘Yours, J. G.’

There was no
more in the letter than that.

‘And now,’ she said, when she received it, ‘I must dare to tell him the whole truth.’

A
ND
what was the whole truth? Alice Vavasor, when she declared to herself that she must tell her lover the whole truth, was expressing to herself her intention of putting an end to her engagement with Mr Grey. She was acknowledging that that which had to be told was not compatible with the love and perfect faith which she owed to the man who was her affianced
husband. And yet, why should it be so? She did not intend to tell him that she had been false in her love to him. It was not that her heart had again veered itself round and given itself to that wild cousin of hers. Though she might feel herself constrained to part from John Grey, George Vavasor could never be her husband. Of that she assured herself fifty times during the two days’ grace which
had been allowed her. Nay, she went farther than that with herself, and pronounced a verdict against any marriage as possible to her if she now decided against this marriage which had for some months past been regarded as fixed by herself and all her friends.

People often say that marriage is an important thing, and should be much thought of in advance, and marrying people are cautioned that
there are many who marry in haste and repent at leisure. I am not sure, however, that marriage may not be pondered over too much; nor do I feel certain that the leisurely repentance
does not as often follow the leisurely marriages as it does the rapid ones. That some repent no one can doubt; but I am inclined to believe that most men and women take their lots as they find them, marrying as the
birds do by force of nature, and going on with their mates with a general, though not perhaps an undisturbed satisfaction, feeling inwardly assured that Providence, if it have not done the very best for them, has done for them as well as they could do for themselves with all the thought in the world. I do not know that a woman can assure to herself, by her own prudence and taste, a good husband any
more than she can add two cubits to her stature; but husbands have been made to be decently good, – and wives too, for the most part, in our country, – so that the thing does not require quite so much thinking as some people say.

That Alice Vavasor had thought too much about it, I feel quite sure. She had gone on thinking of it till she had filled herself with a cloud of doubts which even the
sunshine of love was unable to drive from her heavens. That a girl should really love the man she intends to marry, – that, at any rate, may be admitted. But love generally comes easily enough. With all her doubts Alice never doubted her love for Mr Grey. Nor did she doubt his character, nor his temper, nor his means. But she had gone on thinking of the matter till her mind had become filled with
some undefined idea of the importance to her of her own life. What should a woman do with her life? There had arisen round her a flock of learned ladies
¹
asking that question, to whom it seems that the proper answer has never yet occurred. Fall in love, marry the man, have two children, and live happy ever afterwards. I maintain that answer has as much wisdom in it as any other that can be given;
– or perhaps more. The advice contained in it cannot, perhaps, always be followed to the letter; but neither can the advice of the other kind, which is given by the flock of learned ladies who ask the question’

A woman’s life is important to her, – as is that of a man to him, – not chiefly in regard to that which she shall do with it. The chief thing for her to look to is the manner in which
that something shall be done. It is of moment to a young man when entering life
to decide whether he shall make hats or shoes; but not of half the moment that will be that other decision, whether he shall make good shoes or bad. And so with a woman; – if she shall have recognized the necessity of truth, and honesty for the purposes of her life, I do not know that she need ask herself many questions
as to what she will do with it.

Alice Vavasor was ever asking herself that question, and had by degrees filled herself with a vague idea that there was a something to be done; a something over and beyond, or perhaps altogether beside that marrying and having two children; – if she only knew what it was. She had filled herself, or had been filled by her cousins, with an undefined ambition that
made her restless without giving her any real food for her mind. When she told herself that she would have no scope for action in that life in Cambridgeshire which Mr Grey was preparing for her, she did not herself know what she meant by action. Had any one accused her of being afraid to separate herself from London society, she would have declared that she went very little into society and disliked
that little. Had it been whispered to her that she loved the neighbourhood of the shops, she would have scorned the whisperer. Had it been suggested that the continued rattle of the big city was necessary to her happiness, she would have declared that she and her father had picked out for their residence the quietest street in London because she could not bear noise; – and yet she told herself
that she feared to be taken into the desolate calmness of Cambridgeshire.

When she did contrive to find any answer to that question as to what she should do with her life, – or rather what she would wish to do with it if she were a free agent it was generally of a political nature. She was not so far advanced as to think that women should be lawyers and doctors, or to wish that she might have
the privilege of the franchise for herself; but she bad undoubtedly a hankering after some second-hand political manoeuvering. She would have liked, I think, to have been the wife of the leader of a Radical opposition, in the time when such men were put into prison, and to have kept up for him his seditious correspondence while he lay in the Tower. She would have carried the answers to
him inside
her stays, – and have made long journeys down into northern parts without any money, if the cause required it. She would have liked to have around her ardent spirits, male or female, who would have talked of ‘the cause’, and have kept alive in her some flame of political fire. As it was, she had no cause. Her father’s political views were very mild. Lady Macleod’s were deadly conservative. Kate
Vavasor was an aspiring Radical just now, because her brother was in the same line; but during the year of the love-passages between George and Alice, George Vavasor’s politics had been as conservative as you please. He did not become a Radical till he had quarelled with his grandfather. Now, indeed, he was possessed of very advanced views, – views with which Alice felt that she could sympathize.
But what would be the use of sympathizing down in Cambridgeshire? John Grey had, so to speak, no politics. He had decided views as to the treatment which the Roman Senate received from Augustus, and had even discussed with Alice the conduct of the Girondists at the time of Robespierre’s triumph
²
; but for Manchester and its cares
³
he had no apparent solicitude, and had declared to Alice that he
would not accept a seat in the British House of Commons if it were offered to him free of expense. What political enthusiasm could she indulge with such a companion down in Cambridgeshire?

She thought too much of all this, – and was, if I may say, over prudent in calculating the chances of her happiness and of his. For, to give her credit for what was her due, she was quite as anxious on the
latter head as to the former. ‘I don’t care for the Roman Senate,’ she would say to herself. ‘I don’t care much for the Girondists. How am I to talk to him day after day, night after night, when we shall be alone together?’

No doubt her tour in Switzerland with her cousin had had some effect in making such thoughts stronger now than they had ever been. She had not again learned to love her cousin.
She was as firmly sure as ever that she could never love him more. He had insulted her love; and though she had forgiven him and again enrolled him among her dearest friends, she could never again feel for him that passion which a woman means when she acknowledges that she is in love. That, as regarded her and George Vavasor,
was over. But, nevertheless, there had been a something of romance during
those days in Switzerland which she feared she would regret when she found herself settled at Nethercoats. She envied Kate. Kate could, as his sister, attach herself on to George’s political career, and obtain from it all that excitement of life which Alice desired for herself. Alice could not love her cousin and marry him; but she felt that if she could do so without impropriety she would like
to stick close to him like another sister, to spend her money in aiding his career in Parliament as Kate would do, and trust herself and her career into the boat which he was to command. She did not love her cousin; but she still believed in him, – with a faith which he certainly did not deserve.

As the two days passed over her, her mind grew more and more fixed as to its purpose. She would tell
Mr Grey that she was not fit to be his wife – and she would beg him to pardon her and to leave her. It never occurred to her that perhaps he might refuse to let her go. She felt quite sure that she would be free as soon as she had spoken the word which she intended to speak. If she could speak it with decision she would be free, and to attain that decision she would school herself with her utmost
strength. At one moment she thought of telling all to her father and of begging him to break the matter to Mr Grey; but she knew that her father would not understand her, and that he would be very hostile to her, – saying hard, uncomfortable words, which would probably be spared if the thing were done before he was informed. Nor would she write to Kate, whose letters to her at this time were full
of wit at the expense of Mrs Greenow. She would tell Kate as soon as the thing was done, but not before. That Kate would sympathize with her, she was quite certain.

So the two days passed by and the time came at which John Grey was to be there. As the minute hand on the drawing-room clock came round to the full hour, she felt that her heart was beating with a violence which she could not repress.
The thing seemed to her to assume bigger dimensions than it had hitherto done. She began to be aware that she was about to be guilty of a great iniquity, when it was too late for her to change her mind. She could not bring herself to resolve that she would, on the
moment, change her mind. She believed that she could never pardon herself such weakness. But yet she felt herself to be aware that
her purpose was wicked. When the knock at the door was at last heard she trembled and feared that she would almost be unable to speak to him. Might it be possible that there should yet be a reprieve for her? No; it was his step on the stairs, and there he was in the room with her.

‘My dearest,’ he said, coming to her. His smile was sweet and loving as it ever was, and his voice had its usual
manly, genial, loving tone. As he walked across the room Alice felt that he was a man of whom a wife might be very proud. He was tall and very handsome, with brown hair, with bright blue eyes, and a mouth like a god. It was the beauty of his mouth, – beauty which comprised firmness within itself, that made Alice afraid of him. He was still dressed in his morning clothes; but he was a man who always
seemed to be well dressed. ‘My dearest,’ he said, advancing across the room, and before she knew how to stop herself or him, he had taken her in his arms and kissed her.

He did not immediately begin about the letter, but placed her upon the sofa, seating himself by her side, and looked into her face with loving eyes, – not as though to scrutinize what might be amiss there, but as though determined
to enjoy to the full his privilege as a lover. There was no reproach at any rate in his countenance; – none as yet; nor did it seem that he thought that he had any cause for fear. They sat in this way for a moment or two in silence, and during those moments Alice was summoning up her courage to speak. The palpitation at her heart was already gone, and she was determined that she would speak.

‘Though I am very glad to see you,’ she said, at last, ‘I am sorry that my letter should have given you the trouble of this journey.’

‘Trouble!’ he said. ‘Nay, you ought to know that it is no trouble. I have not enough to do down at Nethercoats to make the running up to you at any time an unpleasant excitement. So your Swiss journey went off pleasantly?’

‘Yes; it went off very pleasantly.’ This
she said in that tone of voice which clearly implies that the speaker is not thinking of the words spoken’

‘And Kate has now left you?’

‘Yes; she is with her aunt, at the seaside.’

‘So I understand; – and your cousin George?’

‘I never know much of George’s movements. He may be in Town, but I have not seen him since I came back.’

‘Ah! that is the way with friends living in London. Unless circumstances
bring them together, they are in fact further apart than if they lived fifty miles asunder in the country. And he managed to get through all the trouble without losing your luggage for you very often?’

‘If you were to say that we did not lose his, that would be nearer the mark. But, John, you have come up to London in this sudden way to speak to me about my letter to you. Is it not so?’

‘Certainly
it is so. Certainly I have.’

‘I have thought much, since, of what I then wrote, very much, – very much, indeed; and I have learned to feel sure that we had better –‘

‘Stop, Alice; stop a moment, love. Do not speak hurriedly. Shall I tell you what I learned from your letter?’

‘Yes; tell me, if you think it better that you should do so.’

‘Perhaps it may be better. I learned, love, that something
had been said or done during your journey, – or perhaps only something thought, that had made you melancholy, and filled your mind for a while with those unsubstantial and indefinable regrets for the past which we are all apt to feel at certain moments of our life. There are few of us who do not encounter, now and again, some of that irrational spirit of sadness which, when over-indulged, drives
men to madness and self-destruction. I used to know well what it was before I knew you; but since I have had the hope of having you in my house, I have banished it utterly. In that I think I have been stronger than you. Do not speak under the influence of that spirit till you have thought whether you, too, cannot banish it.’