CARNIVAL (The Spark Form Chronicles Book 2) (4 page)

              "Well," I say, closing the changing room door behind me. "That was a surprisingly uneventful trek."

              Carnival, having been the subject of much ... adoration or curiosity? Maybe both actually. Would that be adorosity? Or curiation? Maybe Adorcuriosatio ... lots of people wanted to see her. And now she's stood in the middle of room with an eyebrow raised my way and her arms crossed across her chest.

              "What? Hardly anyone came to speak to me, not really anyway. Totally uneventful," I say with a shrug, chucking my bags and myself onto the sofa. Carnival responds by raising her eyebrow a little further. Amusingly, it actually looks pretty natural, or as natural as you'd expect anything to look on a wolf with rabbit ears, which means that she's been keeping that little bit of extra raising space just in case she needed it. It's almost like she expects me to be annoying.

              "Let's see, you had three people jumping back against the wall when you came close, two wanting to get a closer look and marvelling at how pretty you are when you're not smashing people in the face, four more wanting to stroke your muzzle or tail ..."

              Carnival grunts over me and holds up five fingers.

              "I don't count," I grin. "So four strokers and six photo ops with sneaky people who've snuck in sneakily before the doors open to the public. You'd get far more attention if you went to a convention and pretended to be in Cosplay."

              Finally, Carnival breaks and drops her eyes to her feet as she gives in to a light giggle.

              "You laugh, but you totally could. You could have a little sign that says 'Dedicated to character, will only talk Lopine, but will dance for hugs.' The fans'd love you."

              She responds with a dismissive wave of her arms and a 'pah', then heads over to her normal spot at the little table.

              "Beer?" I ask, getting to my feet. Carnival starts to nod and grunt in consent but stops herself, thinks on it, then shakes her hands with a frustrated growl. That was odd. Probably best not ask about it though, Carnival's pretty touchy when it comes to her alcohol. Last time I made any sort of serious observation about how much she drinks, she got pretty moody.

              "Oh hey," I continue, side-stepping past Gavin the floorboard and masterfully changing the subject. "So what was up with that roar out front?" Silence. That means it was probably more for my benefit than it was for Lana and Finn. "Ya know, if you were just trying to show me that you're fine and I don't need to worry so much about today, then it worked. Mostly. If it wasn't about that then that's cool, it helped anyway. Either way though, just be careful, yeah?"

              A light ripple runs from the top of Carnival's ears right down to the tips. Her shoulders tensed up when I mentioned her outburst but they've relaxed a little now. In one quick movement, she turns her head to look at me, her ears and hair whipping around behind her as she fixes me with an unusually gentle look, her tail swishing against the chair legs.

              Just as I open my mouth to speak, she cuts me off with a raspberry and turns back to setting her tablet up for whatever forum shenanighans she has in mind for the day.

              I smile happily to myself. Nailed it.

              "It's just that I really don't remember it at all," I say, pulling up my trousers. Thankfully, I can't smell any of the sweat on them from yesterday. I sweat a lot when I'm nervous.

              "Well," replies Hong Chan from the bathroom, "Maybe you buried it deeper than the stuff you told me about. How did it make you feel hearing how you were with them?"

              I pause to finish fastening my bra. "I hated it," I reply at last, pulling the mesh tank top over my head. "I never wanted to hurt Fahrn. I just wanted her to help me understand how I ended up like this."

              "But you don't doubt what she said?"

              "No," I say, shaking my head. "I believe her. It's just ... it got me thinking. About other stuff I could have forgotten."

              Hong Chan doesn't reply straight away, so I wait. Politeness. It's part of adjusting, finding a place to stay rather than run from. "So what did you come up with?" he asks, a slight panic creeping into his voice.

              "I don't really know," I concede. "Stuff that I've talked about before doesn't really change. I've tried so hard to remember more about it all, but it's like there are years of my life that just aren't there at all. I can't remember anything about The Wandering Halo other than the day that Fahrn came and everything that happened afterward is in pieces until I met you. That's really clear, like looking at photographs or watching videos. Mostly anyway. There are things missing there too though. Whole days are just gone. And the things that I did when I was alone, they're gone too."

              More silence. I'm such a mess. Hong Chan must be regretting helping me now. He worked so hard to get me here and now that I've actually been able to speak to Fahrn, I'm worse. He must think I'm really selfish throwing it all back in his face like this. "I feel like I'm broken," I say weakly.

              Another pause, then he asks, "Are you dressed?"

              "Yes," I say, my eyes on my feet.

              I hear the bathroom door open and Hong Chan's feet move softly across the room until he reaches the sofa. He sits himself down next to me with a sigh, then says calmly, "It's not easy, healing. But you're a survivor, Meera. And the stuff that you went through, it ..." He sighs again. "It would take less to kill most people, a lot less. You feel broken because you're having to face up to just how much has happened to you. And how much you've done to yourself. This was never going to be easy, was it?"

              I shake my head.

              "Reliving everything is going to hurt, but you've lived through far worse. If it gets too much though, I'm sure Fahrn would understand if ..."

              "No," I cut him off, instantly regretting both how desperate I just sounded and how rude it was to talk over him. "Sorry."

              "You still want to continue?" he asks.

              I close my eyes, take a deep breath and nod.

              "Good. The first step's the hardest, or so they say."

              "You say that a lot," I giggle.

              "Do I?"

              I nod and Hong Chan laughs.

              "Well it's still true, no matter how many times I say it, and you've made a lot of first steps. Starting training, your first qualifying match, your first time in front of the TV crowd. They're all really scary things that you faced down, and here you are ready for more. How's it feel being back in costume again after yesterday by the way?"

              "I still don't like PVC," I reply. "And I still feel too bare." I swallow hard. "But the crowd liked it. And it's part of being here, which means it's part of what let me meet Fahrn. I am kinda looking forward to Jeanine doing my makeup again though. She was nice."

              Hong Chan smiles and pulls his phone out of his pocket, flicking the screen on before replying, "Speaking of which, you're due to see her in about fifteen minutes. Do you need me to go with you, or do you remember the way?"

              "I'll be OK," I lie. "If I get lost I can ask someone."

              "If you're sure," he says, getting to his feet and giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "OK, well I've got to head over to Lana's changing room. You remember Lana, right?"

              "Your boss," I nod. "She helped rush the adoption papers through for us."

              "That's right. I need to run through a few work things with her, then we can get back to the important stuff. Are you absolutely sure that you don't need me to go with you to see Jeanine? I don't mind taking you there and doubling back."

              I shake my head and lie again. "I'll be OK."

              Hmm. I wasn't expecting the sudden knot in my stomach that arrived with the knock at the door. And now I don't know if it's because Finn's not here and the last unexpected door knock when he wasn't present didn't exactly go well for me or if it's because I'm struggling to get my swimsuit-come-show-gear on.

              "One minute," I yell across the room as I slip my arm through the shoulder strap and try to untwist the fabric. I hitch the cut-off side up over my partially exposed breast and check that nothing is in danger of falling out, then start making my way across the room. OK, so Carnival's visit didn't exactly go badly, not really, but it still wasn't really the way I wanted have my first crack at properly assessing her.

              A peep hole would be nice; I realise as I grab the handle. Not that it did me much good last night. A press and a pull and my mask falls back place as I bid welcome to ... Hong Chan. "Not so unexpected after all," I mumble before I can stop myself.

              "Excuse me?"

              "Doesn't matter," I smile. "Come in, come in. And shut the door behind you. Prying eyes and all that."

              Hong Chan nods and follows me, obediently pulling the door shut as he does so. Maybe that's part of why Finn doesn't like him. Mr Chan is naturally more likely to do as I say than Mr programmed-to-behave-as-he-does-even-if-that-means-acting-on-his-own-under-the-guise-of-looking-out-for-my-best-interests ... and I'm gonna stop that train of thought right there. "Jeez, Forrester must be catching," I groan, then catch Hong Chan's bemused face and realise that that last bit came out out loud. "Sorry," I say with a dismissive flourish of my hand, accidentally dropping myself onto the 'oh Hell no' chair. "Long night, stress, big day ahead and all that."

              "I can relate," he sighs, taking my preferred seat. "No Finn?"

              "He's off doing some sort of reconnaissance or something. He's always wandering off like that. It'd be annoying if it wasn't that I'm pretty sure he'll come back having covered something that I didn't think of.
That's
more deserving of my annoyance than his disappearing act."

              "Surely it's a good thing if he ..."

              "I don't like being upstaged," I state flatly. "We need to discuss Meera. Did you get my message about the system update?"

              He nods. "You didn't tell me what it is though, or how to install it."

              "I'll install it wirelessly, so you don't need to worry there. I'll let you know when I'm about to start the update and you just need to watch for any glitches. There shouldn't be any problems, but you never know. It's nothing major, just a change to her power limiters for the arena cabling and a fail-safe in case she takes too much in."

              "What happens if the fail-safe kicks in?" he asks.

              "She'll throw the match and, depending on the level of the overload, either leave the Battle Zone by her own steam or collapse. We'll replace her med team this time, so it won't be as awkward as yesterday."

              "OK," he replies, his voice slightly distant. "That's good to know. It gives me some time to come up with something for if it happens. I hope it doesn't though, I don't think that Fahrn would react well."

              And that's why he obeys blindly. Without us, he wouldn't be able to carry out his ... I don't even know what to call it. Mission of Salvation maybe? It's cheesy, but it kinda fits. "Things went well with the two of them then?" I ask with a smile.

              "Sort of," he says, shifting uncomfortably. "Do you remember when you asked me how well I really knew Meera?" I nod and he continues, "You were right. There were a lot of things that I didn't know about her. Like that she'd already met Fahrn before she came to me."

              "Ah, now that's a worry."

              He shakes his head. "It turns out that Meera not remembering meeting her fits. After speaking with Fahrn ..." He trails off for a moment, but recomposes himself quickly. Well, recompose is probably too strong a word, but he picks himself back up enough to continue at least. "Meera was in a far worse place than I knew. I knew enough though.
This
will be enough, I think. It's been nice to see the positive effects on her."

              "Hong Chan, you do know that you can't keep her forever, don't you?"

              "I know." He pauses, then says sadly, "It's still nice though."

              I blink, then get to my feet say, "I tell you what. I'll get that update finished now. Why don't you go find Meera and keep an eye on her in case she glitches? Are you still set to take on Forrester and Carnival?"

              "Yeah," he says, rising to join me. "No problem. Just let me know when and how far to push them. Oh, Meera should be in makeup right now. Did you want me to message you once she out? Jeanine would be paying close attention to her, so it'd be hard to hide any glitches."

              "Yeah, sure. It'd be better to play it safe. Well, I best finish getting ready. They want me to do some promotional work for a speed match. Looks like I get my second day of competition after all, eh?"

              "You'll enjoy it," he replies with a smile. "You did well with Connor Ford."

              "Thank you," I say, opening the door. "Let me know if there are any problems, OK?"

              "Sure," he says, and just like that he's gone.

              I walk back across the room and slouch into the comfier chair with a sigh, taking in the warmth from where Hong Chan was sitting.

              This isn't good. It's not fair either, not on Hong Chan at least. He's gotten too attached and the deeper he goes, the worse that's gonna get. Given what he said about how Fahrn would react if Meera collapsed, I'd hazard a guess that it's not been too easy on her either. Hong Chan is going to need finality though, and sooner rather than later. I could set the update to make sure that she hits collapse mode and maybe throw in a secondary program to activate afterwards and give her a set scenario to play out depending on who's present.

              "Shit," I say under my breath. I know what I'm planning to do here, and I also know that it wouldn't have bothered me so much before last night. That's not technically true actually, I'd have still felt bad for Hong Chan, just not for Meera. If I end up accepting that Carnival is alive, then I may have to reconsider whether Meera and Finn are alive too. Would that make this murder or would a legal classification of life be needed for that?

              "Shit," I say again, grabbing my phone from the table and hitting the speed-dial.

              I get two rings, then a familiar voice answers, "Miss De La Cruz?"

              "Damn it Finn, why do you have to be right all the time?"