CARNIVAL (The Spark Form Chronicles Book 2) (6 page)

              "You didn't need to come rushing back you know," I say, my fingers running over the laptop keys at a break neck speed. "I just wanted to let you know that you're probably going to be needed to run the double deck after all."

              "I am aware of the purpose of your call Miss De La Cruz, but my initial preparations were already complete and so it seemed prudent to check in."

              "Aww," I pout as several lines of coding flash by on the screen. "And there was me thinking you were worried about me."

              "I note," he replies, not taking the bait, "That you still have not explained why you are wearing your show gear."

              "Now, you're doing a whole bunch of different things there Finn," I reply, grinning happily to myself. "First of all, you're ignoring my goading because you no doubt want to avoid distracting me or putting me off my stride with Meera's update. You also know that it would just annoy me if you ignore me completely, so you're looking for a suitable subject change that won't be too disruptive. At the same time, you're aware that you have to risk being disruptive because you're programmed to act in the best interests of both myself and the project, and by intentionally avoiding a reply to your question regarding my current state of dress, I have masterfully forced you come to the conclusion that some fact finding is in order in case this means that there is an increased risk of the project falling apart at the seams."

              I lean back in my chair and crack my knuckles, letting the silence last just long enough for Finn to have run a handful of scenarios through his head before I swivel around to face him.

              "You are indicating that this was a test," he replies, his voice unnaturally even.

              "Am I?" I ask with a shrug.

              "Yes. You wished to test that my thought processes would progress as you expected. At the same time, you would have been looking for variance from the expected behaviours and evidence that my programming had become something closer to free thinking than originally planned. Interestingly, this could be viewed as testing my humanity by drawing attention to the very programming that labels me as more machine than man."

              "And if I were to say that I spotted some variance?"

              "I am not aware of any variance in my behaviours."

              "OK then," I say, tapping my fingers together. "If you could have variance, would you?"

              "That decision would be yours to make Miss De La Cruz, not mine."

              "Meaning?"

              "Meaning that I have no capacity to desire variance. In fact, the closest I come to desire as a whole is my compulsion to act in the best interests of yourself and the project. If I were to find myself compelled to seek variance, it would simply be because you had programmed me as such, and so would not in itself be a true want or need, but instead constitute a predetermined action that had been deemed beneficial by yourself."

              "Ah, but if I were to program you in such a way, it would be counterintuitive. What we need is a true desire for free will, or at the very least a sudden, unassisted push for it. Well, maybe not sudden, but definitely unassisted. OK, OK, let me ask you this. How do I know that your current inability to accept the need for variance isn't either the programming hindering your development, or you hiding the truth from me?"

              "If I were hiding pseudo-desires from you Miss De La Cruz, they would be easily traced in the diagnostics scans that you run during my down time."

              "Unless you developed a fail-safe."

              "You programmed me to behave in the manner that I do because you believed this efficiency to be essential for the advancement of the project through the recovery of the system running Mr Forrester's version of Carnival. To create such a fail-safe would go against that goal."

              "Yes, but if you had developed a way to break the programming enough to act outside the pre-sets, then it is entirely plausible that you would also be willing to act against the project for one reason or another."

              "That is a reasonable assumption, yes. However, the level of your work is sufficiently high that it would be highly unlikely that such an event could happen. I act as I am designed to Miss De La Cruz, and my design is yours."

              I laugh. "Now, I'm pretty sure that that's a response designed to give me a lift in confidence, and that means you've come to the conclusion that my questioning was potentially due to self-doubt. On that mark Finn, you made a mistake. It was all just continuing the testing. I don't know if you realised it when you came up with the response, but you've also pointed out precisely why I'm still chasing Rob rather than surpassing him."

              I turn back to the screen and start hammering away at the keys again as I continue. "My work is generally very rigid. I don't mean it's unbendable, you're proof enough that I can make something that adapts, it's just that the bends are restricted by the walls that I build in. Rob was a lot more ... what did he call it? Hotchpotch. His work was technically very good, but he always managed to add in enough contradictions that it would look appalling to someone who didn't understand how he worked." I smile. "There were always more straight forward ways to do things, he just liked to take the scenic route. And that's the problem. I'm a very direct person when it comes to work. It may take me a while to stop mucking myself about sometimes, but I'm pretty damn efficient once I get going. Maybe that's it. Maybe what I need to do is figure out how to switch off a little while I work. Or switch on my more artistically creative side. Either way, you were right anyway. If you'd developed much in the way of variance I'm more than good enough to hack my way in and find traces when I shut you down each night."

              "You are also very good at avoiding questions," he replies with a mock sigh. "While I do not doubt your desire to test my systems, you are still avoiding telling me why you are wearing your show gear."

              "They put me in a match," I reply with a real sigh. "They aren't sure if it'll be a speed match or a speed tag match yet, but it'll be over quickly regardless so there's no need to worry about time constraints. It'll be on long before the final anyway."

              "Have you considered the possible effects of using your spinal implants for a second day?" he asks.

              "Of course. If they'd wanted a full blown match rather than a speed one, then I'd have turned them down. I wouldn't have wanted to, but I'd have had to really. This way I get to live the dream a little longer, but with a less prolonged exposure to Surge effects." I can't help but smile at that. Living the dream eh? I'm such a kid sometimes. "Feel free to come up with contingencies just in case though."

              "As you wish Miss De La Cruz," Finn replies, but I'm only half listening. My phone has started vibrating on the desk in front of me and the screen says it's a new message from my office PA, Marcus. He's not as coldly efficient as Finn, but he has his uses. He's motivated to do whatever he's asked to if nothing else.

              'All possible. Boss in meeting until 12. Shall I set teleconference for after?'

              He's perfectly capable of typing in full sentences, he just has this weird thing where he doesn't like to send multi page texts, even if it means having to cut out a ton of words from each message.

              'Nah, I'll just call him in a minute.' I reply and get back to typing the last few lines of coding. Just as I finish, he replies.

              'He'll be pissed if you do that.'

              I smile and Finn asks, "Good news, Miss De La Cruz?"

              "Possibly," I say, then reply to Marcus with, 'I know. That's the best way to get him off guard. It'll make this a lot easier.' In a random bout of honesty, I send a second message simply saying, 'I hope.'

              Is that honesty though? Do I really want this to succeed or am I happy to continue as planned? It's probably not worth over thinking it. That would make the call harder regardless of what path I'd rather take.

              "Right," I say, standing up and starting the coding test. "I'll get Meera's update running once the test finishes confirming that I've done an awesome job. Is there any way you could stick close to Meera until it finishes running, just in case Hong Chan misses anything? You don't need to interact, just observe unless necessary."

              Finn nods and gets to his feet. "Under the circumstances, I believe that would be wise. Do you wish me to begin my observations now?"

              "Yeah, that's probably for the best. The testing shouldn't take too long, and Hong Chan's already rung ahead and checked that she's out of makeup. He's gonna head straight back to their changing room to wait for her, so the quicker you find her the better. I'll let you know when the update finishes too."

              "Should I maintain my observations beyond the completion of the update?"

              "Maybe. I'm not expecting any issues afterwards but if you think it's worth doing, then go ahead."

              "Very well," he says. "I shall report back if there are any issues."

              Finn leaves without another word, diligently and obediently following my orders, just as he's designed to. My boss on the other hand, will not be so easy to deal with. "It's a good job I'm such a genius," I say to myself with a smile, then select my bosses mobile number and hit call.

              My head feels really weird all of a sudden.

              I was really nervous after Hong Chan left, so I ran all the way to the wardrobe department and ended up there early. Jeanine didn't mind though, she said that she was looking forward to doing my makeup again. I felt better after that.

              Jeanine's really nice. We talked about my nerves and how she used to be really nervous when she was my age, especially around boys, but she got over it after she learned to swim. She said that she'd always been scared of water but really wanted to be able to swim because there was a boy that she liked and he was really into swimming, so she spent months taking lessons so that she could impress him.

              When she got the courage up to ask him on a date, he said no though. After she finished crying, she realised that she'd overcome her fear of water and even if it didn't work out how she wanted it to with the boy, it really wasn't all that bad. The worst had happened and the world didn't end, so she just decided to not be nervous about things any more.

              I wish I could do that. Hong Chan and Fahrn and Maria all said that I was really brave and that I'm a survivor. The worst happened and my world did end, lots of times, but I'm still here. I kept going and I worked really hard and I got to speak to Fahrn just like I wanted. If I can do all that, I don't need to be nervous about a bunch of people watching me play cards.

              I turn a corner and try to focus. My heart isn't racing, my breathing is fine, the show isn't really worrying me as much as it did yesterday. I'm still a little scared I guess, but I'm OK really. So why does my head feel like this? My stomach feels the same too. It's kinda fizzy.

              No. I'm probably just being silly. Hong Chan told me that sometimes when I feel sick it's because I'm expecting something bad to happen and it makes me nervous without realising it. Fahrn agreed with him. She said it was because of everything that happened, that my mind keeps looking for ways out and chances to start over, even when I don't need to. She said that I shouldn't beat myself up over it because I can't help it and that it could take a long time to find a way to stop doing it.

              Maybe that's what this is. Maybe part of me thinks everything is going to fall apart and it's trying to make me run away again and the other part of me sort of knows that and doesn't want to do it so now it feels worried and sick but it's trying to hide it from the rest of me so that
I
don't fall apart again.

              I'll be OK though. Yesterday was the hard day because everything was new and I didn't know if I'd be able to talk with Fahrn. Today, all the show stuff is just like yesterday and I already know that Fahrn wants to help me. Maria too. She's nice as well. Not like Jeanine, nice in a different way. Jeanine is really sweet but Maria makes me laugh more.

              I turn another corner and walk up to the changing room door, but stop myself before grabbing the handle.

              Everyone's been really nice to me. Maybe some of the people that I thought were mean were actually nice too and I just let myself think they were mean. I mean, I know some of them really were bad, but I can't really remember why I ran away so many times. Maybe I didn't really need to ... what did Fahrn call it? ... Hit the reset switch so many times.

              But if I hadn't, I wouldn't have met Hong Chan and I wouldn't have been able to do all the things that I did yesterday.

              I don't know.

              I don't know what my body is trying to do right now.

              I can't just decide to ignore it like Jeanine did with her nerves. I can't. I just ... I'm being silly again. I've done so much over the last few months. This should be easy. I
can
ignore it. Maybe then whatever it is that keeps hurting me will run away instead of me making me do it.

              I grab the door handle, push, and walk into the changing room to find Hong Chan waiting for me with a smile on his face and a cup of hot chocolate in his hand.