Casserole Diplomacy and Other Stories (3 page)

HappyFood Franchises on the various colonized planets are to remain as similar as possible in all regards; this is merely an extension of the policy of standardized recipes. A HappyFood customer should be able to enter an establishment light-years away from his or her home and feel comfortable, as if he or she is returning to a familiar place, not entering some bizarre, foreign, possibly dangerous eatery; to this end the Food Processing Clerk clones have standardized facial features as well. The lighting and furnishings of the standard HappyFood Franchise have been carefully researched and designed for optimum effect, producing an impression of comfort from a distance, which gradually fades upon continued exposure or actual contact with the flexiplastic chairs. In this fashion, both the demands of “initial appeal” and “quick turnaround” are satisfied, as customers are encouraged to enter the establishment but discouraged in the act of loitering.

Cease with these “ambient lighting” and “padded seat” experiments; remove any tables and furnishings of plant fibre and replace them with the standard flexiplastic. If you have stopped broadcasting the HappyTunes music product over your interior speakers, resume immediately. As with the other components of the HappyFood Franchise, HappyTunes are integral to maintaining a standardized and profitable environment.

We hope that these disciplinary problems can be quickly forgotten, and that your HappyFood Franchise will go on to be satisfactory in all regards. Still, we must emphasize that noncompliance will result in the termination of your position as Manager of HappyFood Franchise #2232575.

Healthy, hearty, happy eating to you and your customers!

EndTrans

TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

Dear Mr. Nogren:

Your behaviour has exceeded all the prescribed bounds of HappyFood Inc. professionalism. As of this date, you are relieved of your post as Manager of HappyFood Franchise #2232575. Close the establishment immediately and return to head office for disciplinary action. Another Manager will be sent to Ugrath 3 shortly to try to undo the damage you’ve caused.

It is a blemish on HappyFood Inc.’s reputation that you have been allowed to continue in your course for as long as you have. Recently we discovered that many of your food invoices have been falsified, and that you have discontinued the use of many standard food items, particularly the Happy Fish product and those consisting of or using additives of Unigel, in favour of food items harvested and eaten locally. This alone would be bad enough to warrant your removal, but various other indiscretions have been uncovered. Hidden monitors in the Franchise have indicated that many customers linger in your establishment for up to three hours, a completely unacceptable figure; you have allowed your Food Processing Clerks an unheard-of degree of autonomy, to the point that few, if any, still wear their regulation flexi-uniforms; some, apparently, have been allowed to cultivate cranial hair growth of nonstandard appearance. That your profit analyses still show favourably has yet to be explained—the suspicion is that these too have been falsified.

Perhaps you are aware of how disruptive your activities are, and how devastating to HappyFoods Inc. it would be if such practices became standard: soon each Franchise would be different, and local entrepreneurs would begin to successfully compete with us, drastically slashing profits.

In light of all this, your farwave transmitter has been disabled by a remote signal, a contingency built into the equipment for just such rare occasions as this. Do not bother trying to call for friends or colleagues to take you off-planet. Your automated shuttle will not respond to your course orders, but will take you directly to head office for your disciplinary treatment.

There will be no further warnings. Return immediately on pain of extreme disciplinary action.

EndTrans

TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

Nogren:

You were warned.

A division of Internal Monitoring Armed Response trouble-shooters are on their way to Ugrath 3 as you receive this. They have been told to expect a traitor to HappyFood Inc. and all that HappyFood stands for, and will react accordingly. I’m sure you’re familiar with the stories told of the Armed Response teams. Perhaps you thought these teams were fictional. They are not.

After you have been removed, the HappyFood Franchise on Ugrath 3 will be shut down for several years to allow the damage you’ve done to repair itself. We only hope you found your pathetic little rebellion to be worth all this.

Peaceful surrender to the Armed Response team may possibly result in your survival, in which case extremely severe disciplinary treatments will be administered on your return to head office. Frankly, we here at head office are hoping you do not give up quietly; all of us will enjoy watching the combat vid records afterwards.

Healthy, hearty, happy eating to you . . .

EndTrans

TRANS frm HappyFood Franchise #2232575/ Commander Divot Armed Response Trouble-shooters Unit

RECEV stn HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED / Administration Division

Commander Divot reporting:

As ordered, I brought Unit 5B down on Ugrath 3, with full armament distributed to trouble-shooter personnel. We approached HappyFood Franchise #2232575 with caution, as per your instructions. However, upon entering the establishment, we were unable to locate any activity of the treasonous nature you specify in your last message. In fact, HappyFood Franchise #2232575 is undoubtedly the finest Franchise either myself or my men have had the pleasure to dine in.

Obviously, some sort of bureaucratic or computer error is involved here. Possibly it involves the farwave transmitter of the Franchise manager, one Mr. Nogren; the device has malfunctioned in some way. Perhaps he was merely unable to get his reports through to head office due to this mechanical problem. The techs on my team were able to fix the transmitter, however, so, you should be getting a report from him any time now.

The quality of the Franchise’s service and food here is amazing! Last night we dined on a seven-course meal, featuring native Ugrathian Kik-fish (similar though superior to Happy Lobster), and various wonderful vegetable dishes that showcased the fine berries and fruits of Ugrath 3. Mr. Nogren informs me that the principles behind his renovation of the Franchise here are applicable in any Franchise in the galaxy, and we assisted him in sending full documentation and video reports of his establishment to the galactic net, where it can be accessed by Franchise owners everywhere. Of course, this was only a short time ago, but already the response from other Franchises has been phenomenal!

My team has persuaded me that it would be best to remain here on Ugrath 3 until the mistake in our original mission orders has been clarified. Hopefully you will be able to locate the error and determine the actual location of this treasonous Franchise you warned us about so thoroughly. In the meantime, I suspect my men are anxious to sample more of the Franchise #2232575’s remarkable cuisine.

Indeed, I admit I too am tempted by Mr. Nogren’s description of tonight’s meal: Raga-fish stew with boiled jubes (much like Happy Leeks, though I feel that jubes have a more piquant, enticing flavour) and side dishes of various sweetmeats. I am certain that once word of Mr. Nogren’s innovations spreads, we will be able to enjoy meals of this quality on every planet in the galaxy. Surely a promotion is in order for Mr. Nogren!

We await your response eagerly.

Healthy, hearty, and happy eating to you!

EndTrans

EndReport

Originally published in Spring 1994 Vol 6 No 1 #16

Jason Kapalka
was born and raised in Edmonton, Alberta. He is the cofounder of PopCap Games, the video game developer responsible for
Bejeweled
,
Plants vs Zombies
,
Peggle
and other popular titles.

Alice Major

If the stars came out only once in a thousand years

what a wondrous sight we could think them.

— Emerson

Star-seeing night.            This may be a star-seeing night.

Radios ricochet,          repeat from balconies.

Electrostatic tingle          of tongues.

Faces turn to the closed clouds,           the sun-occluders,

the world-sheath warm           from the lungs of a weary planet

that struggles          to secure its shaken balance

through cloud, now a constant.          Moisture claimed by sky

and held hostage.           Whole cities

sunk in deepening ocean.          Sun no more

than a pale suspect.

Sometimes a slow swirl

opens in the thick air,           a heavy-lidded eye.

Once the year before in          Buenos Aires. Once

a decade back, over           the drowned streets of London.

Whole generations have            emerged and died

with no glimpse          of galaxies.

But now the eye           may open. Here.

People remind each other          of the ritual,

practiced every year—           preparing for stars,

dowsing lights           to dim a vast

metropolis.           Its meaning almost lost,

but now renewed          and relevant.

Stars. We may see          the stars tonight.

Sky sucks daylight          down its grey throat.

Dusk creeps in the alleys.           Radios confirm the clouds

will part by midnight.           People form processions,

reverent as novices,           make their way to rooftops,

whisper together          as the wind tugs vestments.

Fall silent          as the sirens start to wail

demanding darkness.            The city dims.

A rising wind tears           rifts in ragged clouds.

A still, still-small eye           opens. First star.

Nikki

Nikki, six years old, bundled

in her brother’s coat, blinks away

sleep's slow sedative.

Will we see the moon? she asks

Maybe, if the clouds break soon enough

they tell her. Aren’t you a lucky girl

to see the stars?

But moon and stars to her are mere

abstractions. She knows about them

as she knows elephants and sailing ships,

has seen stars in photographs taken

high above the clouds’ narcotic quilt

—jewels thrown savagely on black cloth

by some magnificent thief.

Still, she expects the stars will wear

five neat points, imagines the moon

with a fat nose, like the symbols

used even to this day on nursery walls.

Vega

She knows the stars. Their patterned stories

trace her longings on the silent air

behind her eyelids. She craves their glories—

bound Andromeda. The great square

of Pegasus.
(Wingbeats. Rescue.)
The chair