Casserole Diplomacy and Other Stories (2 page)

Since we knew some amazing spec fic artists, we decided we had to publish artwork to complement the stories. THAT upped the cost, but it was worth it to see these talented people move on to book covers and WorldCon art shows, and even working for big name special effects companies.

In 1992 I had to resign from
On Spec
. I decided to go back to university and get a Ph.D. and found out the hard way that when you start footnoting your short stories, it’s time to stop writing fiction. Many academic articles and books later, I still regret that decision, but I am thrilled every time my copy of
On Spec
arrives in the mail, full of new writers and new artists to enjoy. And the stories are still delightfully weird and off the wall, but not as depressing any more, it seems.

I hope you enjoy this collection of stories from the past 25 years of
On Spec
as much as the editors did when they got to read them for the first time. Every brown manila envelope was full of possibilities…and here are some of the best that flew, crept and bounded out of those envelopes.

Diane L. Walton

Current Managing Editor

We were pretty naive when we decided to start
On Spec
, weren’t we? But back then, there didn’t seem to be any impediments we couldn’t deal with, and the potential rewards of fame and fortune and glamour would be . . .

[REWIND]

On Spec
is and has always been a labour of love for everyone closely involved. Nobody got rich; nobody got famous, other than perhaps being biggish frogs in a small lily pond, and as for glamour—hardly! It’s a lot of work to make this little journal happen four times a year. But we still love hearing from readers and writers and artists, making new friends and reuniting with old ones. We love the thrill of finding a story in the slush that has the spark of creativity to make an editor sit up and take notice. We love the moment when we tell a writer we want to buy their work, especially if it is their first time in print. We love the moment when we say to a new visitor to our dealer table at a convention, “So, have you heard of
On Spec
?”

Labour of love, indeed! It’s been a great ride so far, with so many people to thank for their time and effort.

The stories in this book were selected by the current editorial team, with great help from Jena Snyder, who was there from the start. We picked stories that resonated with each of us—personal favourite stories that each continue to stand on their own, regardless of the year they first saw print. Some of the earliest stories didn’t make the cut, because they had already appeared in our
First Five Years
anthology (Edge Science Fiction and Fantasy Publishing), and you can read them there. This book will show you what we’ve been doing with our time since then. And we want to thank Tyche Books for this opportunity.

While we were making our choices, it was just like visiting with old friends. If this is your introduction to
On Spec
, we have some friends we’d love for you to meet.

A model for study

Jason Kapalka

START REPORT

04/06/99 HardCopy File for Reference

ScriptTrans 02/08/97-04/23/98 Sys53/SecC

TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

Dear Mr. Nogren:

Congratulations on your safe planetfall on Ugrath 3, and the problem-free setup of HappyFood Franchise #2232575! We suggest you immediately begin thawing
the Food Processing Clerks in your freezer—FPCs require a few days of orientation and training before they are competent to work the HappyFood Franchise equipment.

As you know, Ugrath 3 is a small world which has been out of direct contact with the Core for some forty years now. Nonetheless it is a prestigious assignment for a HappyFood Franchise manager! The colonists there have been living on a limited diet of local foodstuffs for some time now, and in general, have large credit accounts due to the lack of consumer outposts. The time is ripe for Ugrath 3 to have a HappyFood Franchise established.

Remember Yucatan 5!

Eighty years ago it was a small colony like Ugrath 3, but thanks to assertive marketing, HappyFood Inc. now has over 300,000 franchises there while the competition has been unable to gain a significant foothold.

While training your Food Processing Clerks, we suggest you have them use HappyFood Inc.’s new slogan as often as possible, especially at the conclusion of a transaction. Studies have shown that repetition of this variety will embed the desired associations in subjects within a short time.

“Healthy, hearty, happy eating to you!”

EndTrans

TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

Dear Mr. Nogren:

We are happy to see from your account files that your HappyFood franchise is off to a good start. But by no means can you rest on your laurels just yet! Action must be taken to consolidate the gains made during this initial period.

Your present markup rate of 240% is acceptable, but in the light of the Ugrath 3 colonists’ high disposable income, and the lack of competition at present, we feel it would be wise to increase this to 300% over a two-month period.

One other suggestion is in order. You do not mention having trained your Food Processing Clerks for suggestive merchandising. If you have not yet done so, proceed to with all dispatch!

The procedure is simple, and well within the FPCs’ capabilities. For example: if a customer buys the Jumbo Bacon Barbecue HappyBurger (Simulated), have the FPC ask if they would like the Cheesy Potato Skins (Simulated) with it, while nodding their head slightly up and down. Studies show that even the suggestion of a nod increases the customer’s chances of saying yes to such a question. Do not be afraid to aggressively use suggestive merchandising! Choice is a burden to most customers, and they will be pleased to have your staff suggest food item selections.

Healthy, hearty, happy eating to you!

EndTrans

TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

Dear Mr. Nogren:

Recent invoices from your HappyFood franchise indicate a period of slowed growth. Going over your daily reports, we believe we have pinpointed the problem.

There seems to be a misunderstanding on your part of the Truth in Food Marketing codes. While food unit archives and daypart reports must, indeed, list a particular meal’s full title, it is unnecessary to print it on your menu, or have your Food Processing Clerks pronounce it during transactions. Specifically, we see your menu lists items like the “Happy Lobster Pack (Simulated)” and “Milk Substitute Reconstitute HappyShake.” It is not necessary to include the terms “Simulated” or “Milk Substitute Reconstitute” in the names of these items. In fact, we strongly suggest you discontinue the use of such terms, as we believe they are responsible for the dip in your day profit reports.

In other developments at HappyFood Inc., some recent outbreaks of scombroid on developing planets have been traced to contaminated morlen, a mainstay of the Happy Seafood menu. Consequently, HappyFood Inc. has decided to discontinue the use of the Happy Morlen food product, item number 343-86ux in your catalog. From this time onward, food item 343-86ux must be referred to in all cases as Happy Fish.

Healthy, hearty, happy eating to you!

EndTrans

TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

Dear Mr. Nogren:

We are happy to see that you have complied with our advice regarding the daypart menu terminology. Perhaps not coincidentally, your accounts indicate that the Ugrath 3 Franchise is now growing rapidly in popularity with the colonists. At this rate, your franchise will be one of the most profitable and prestigious establishments in HappyFood Inc.’s galaxy-wide chain.

On a more sombre note: we are sorry to hear about the demise of two of your Food Processing Clerks in a microwave accident. Still, remember the clone tanks in your Franchise can generate replacements within a few weeks. We have sent a copy of HappyFood Inc.’s FPC training Videodisc #4354 along with this month’s shipment of food materials. This enjoyable vid uses advanced subliminal imagery to teach your FPCs to deal with death or maiming due to cuts, slashes, laser burns, or radiation spills in a cheerful manner that will not interfere with their regular duties. If you watch this vid yourself, remember to wear the enclosed protective glasses to prevent any unintentional b-mod spillover.

You also mention some requests by the Ugrath 3 colonists for information on the nutritive makeup of HappyFood products. By all means, give them a copy of HappyFood Inc.’s Infobook #3490, detailing the healthy, natural wholesome materials HappyFood products are made of and/or inspired by. Regarding Unigel, the principal taste component of some meals: do not give your customers erroneous information regarding this substance! Remember: HappyFood Inc. won the 2095 court case in which Unigel was alleged to possess certain deleterious and addictive properties.

Healthy, hearty, happy eating to you and your customers!

EndTrans

TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

Dear Mr. Nogren:

We are concerned with your latest report which indicates you have introduced new menu items to the morning daypart menu, incorporating local foodstuffs. You should be well aware of HappyFood Inc.’s policy on new menu items: it is necessary first to submit Form XVI (Request For New Food Item Approval), listing the proposed item’s name, portion, yield, unit servings, advance instructions, ingredients, procedure, and storage information, so that the Research & Development Division can examine and test it. While it is often profitable to incorporate local foods into your menu, HappyFood Inc. uses a standardized recipe system for a good reason. Travellers from different planets are always assured of receiving a familiar meal at a HappyFood Franchise, with no need to risk the possible hazards and unpleasantries of local foods which may be somewhat exotic to the traveller. Hence, please submit any menu items like this “Bacon and Eggs” you suggest to head office for verification first in the future.

In addition, we see that you are offering the Happy Chicken (Simulated) with Reconstituted Potatoes and Happy Salad (Simulated) as a combination dish; all very good, but you offer it at a discount of over 12%! The Happy Chicken food item is not currently listed on your afternoon daypart menu; thus, no audit trail exists for it, and the customer perceives value because there are no other menu combinations to compare it with.
Therefore
, there is no reason to discount. You are only training the customer to “buy cheap.” To repeat, there is
no
value in deep discounting.

We feel certain you will correct these small problems and go on to make HappyFood Franchise #232575 a profitable link in the chain of HappyFood Franchises stretching across the galaxy. In fact, we insist you implement the aforementioned measures immediately.

Healthy, hearty, happy eating to you!

EndTrans

TRANS frm HAPPYFOOD INCORPORATED/ Administrative Division

RECEV stn HappyFood Franchise #2232575/Ugrath 3

Dear Mr. Nogren:

We here at the Internal Monitoring Branch of HappyFood Inc. are sorry to say that the reports sent to us by head office concerning your HappyFood Franchise on Ugrath 3 are quite disappointing. As you are aware, you were chosen for this prestigious post on the basis of your past performance with the HappyFood chain of food processing establishments; however, the most recent information received from your Franchise is forcing us to consider disciplinary action.

You have received repeated warnings to desist in various non-standard procedures: excessive discounting, unauthorized food item introductions, and unnecessary food composition documentation. Despite your assurances of compliance, all our data indicate you are continuing in these non-standard practices. In addition we have reason to believe the suggestive merchandising training of your Food Processing Clerks has been substandard. But even more disturbing than these problems is the recent rumour of “redecorations” supposedly undertaken in your HappyFood Franchise. We must order you, in no uncertain terms, to stop any such modifications and return the Franchise to its regulated appearance.