Cast & Fall (26 page)

“
Actually,
I have never been attracted to anyone,” he said, sounding like
a statement of fact rather than a skillfully delivered line. My voice
fell silent. This had to be a lie—is all I could think in my
mind. But his voice held no hint of deceit that I dismissed the idea
as quickly as the thought came to mind. Although the thought still
slipped out of my lips.

“
I
find that hard to believe...girls must flock over you.”

“
Well…that
part is true” he sighed, almost irritated. His voice sounded
low—the contrast between his words and tone hinted me that he
didn’t regard it as a positive thing.

“
But,
that’s the thing, I was never attracted to anyone...I couldn’t
be...I didn‘t know how….but—you…” His
eyes blazed at me and for a brief moment, I felt as if I was
hypnotized to see a part of his soul.

“
You’re
different…I’ve never met quite someone like you.”
A deep sigh came out again—a hesitation. I had so many
questions, but I held it. He was finally opening up and I wanted him
to tell me as much as he wanted to.

“
The
thing is…meeting me…knowing me, was never a good thing
for you. I’m not quite the right company to be around…but
now…I’m not sure what to do. Even when I‘m trying
to do the right thing…I don‘t know what that right thing
is and I don‘t know if it‘s enough.”

He
gripped the railing then. His jaw clenched. His eyes, full of
uncertainty. That was it. He stopped. As soon as I knew, I wasn’t
going to get anymore explanations out of him, I began with the
questions that I had been wanting to ask since the beginning.

“
What
changed your mind and decided to…” I contemplated on
what word I was going to use. “...not be so rude to me?”
His face was unreadable. Even though, he had confessed before that it
was a personal matter, something in me knew, there was more to it.

“
I
actually didn’t change my mind. You did that for me. I did all
I could for you to stay away from me and even hate me if you must.
There were consequences. But I was very much worried about you, right
after everything that’s happened and I suddenly needed to make
a choice...a choice that I still don’t know was the right one—I
needed to know that you were okay and keeping myself away…well
that might have to come later. He gazed at a far distance—his
face overcast as if regret had quickly dawned on him.

I
felt a twist of knife in my heart—plunging deeper in the hollow
ache that was already there. The confirmation that Tristan wanted
nothing to do with me and the thought of him trying to avoid me now,
sent a panic of horror in my mind. I knew in the back of my mind that
there were reasons behind the mask of hate that he’d been
putting on—the consequences as he’d referred to.

He
came closer this time and anchored his arms around me. I inhaled
deeply and shivered at the sizzle warmth of his touch. I always felt
surprised by my unusual unexpected reaction I have when I’m
around him. But feeling him this close to me,
sent
me even more to the edge of the deepest emotions I have never felt
before. But
yet,
it all seemed too familiar somehow. I stayed in the moment as I gazed
at the
dark
blue water raking from under us. The breeze now blowing forcefully,
but I didn’t feel cold. I sunk myself deeper into him. I felt a
wisp of air on top of my
forehead.
Then he slowly detached himself from me. We were both silent for a
long moment.

Suddenly,
an urge to change the conversation and possibly his mood overcame me.
I peered up at him. “Will you go with me to the Masquerade
Ball?…every year, we raise funds for different local
charities. I will be helping as well as attending the event. It’s
usually a lot of work but it’s also fun.” His brief
silence seemed like forever.

His
eyes swept to look at mine. There was a clear confusion and possibly
reservation in his expression—like he didn’t understand
my question.

“
As
my date,” I finally confirmed.

“
I’m
not sure that’s a good idea.” His face creased, like this
was a huge task. There was an obvious battle in his voice.

“
Aren’t
you with me now?” I accused. “And didn’t you ask me
on a date tonight?” I reminded. After the briefest of
seconds…“I suppose you're right,” he answered with
a reserved smile.

“
Yes,”
he said, with a little and composed enthusiasm. “I would be
more than honored to accompany you at the Masquerade Ball, Miss
Katheryna.”

I
couldn’t sleep that night. Thoughts of Tristan continued to
swirl in my head, consuming every part of my mind.
He
was like an unsolved mystery; the more I was terrified, the more I
wanted to know…and the more I knew, the more I wanted him…and
the more I wanted him, the more fearful I became. But like him, I
didn’t care about the consequences. The only difference was…I
didn’t know what the consequences were
.
There was something more that he hasn’t told me, so much more
that I wasn’t entirely sure that I was prepared to know. But,
whatever it was, I had made up my mind…that I was—in too
deep now…and turning back was not an option.

Death
of
Me

I
t
was afternoon, the sun’s glow was faint. The day passed dull
and distant. I watched myself in the same monotonous routine for most
of the day. But there was something different—as if I was
watching myself from a distance. When the final bell rang, I felt my
emotions shifting.

I
drove more than excited because I knew I would see
him
again.
First, I visited Josh who begged me to stay longer. But I didn’t
want to be late to meet him. It took me a good half hour to get to
the dock. There was a sudden change in the air—a sudden cloudy
mist that hovered and suspended itself by the edge of the water and
canopied up on deck.

I
clutched the bar of the railing to try and balance my bearings to get
in. Tristan was instantly next to me. “Did you find the place
okay? I could have picked you up,” he greeted as he led us
further in.

“
It
wasn’t hard at all. I actually haven’t gone home yet. I
just came from Josh’s place.” All of a sudden, his eyes
looked suspicious. His jaw clenched tight as if that information
bothered him.

I
hope he’s not going to pull one of those jealous cards on me.
Josh is a friend and him…well, I don’t know what he is
yet
…
besides,
I thought he liked Josh.
I
assessed his expression further. There was a sudden change in him.
His
eyes seemed inwardly tired, vulnerable. There’s more. His eyes
were clear today but that’s not what’s unusual—his
eyes were a mixture of brilliant blue and green and not gray. Could
it be the reflection from the water?

He
quickly led us on the top deck. His thoughts seemed subtly
conflicted. “So…what did you do today?” I
pleasantly asked, trying to break the awkward silence between us.
“Not much…nothing that really mattered…I’m
really glad you’re here,” his face was pleasant. He led
us unto the bow of the boat where he had set up two chairs for us to
sit. He seemed to be very interested in my day, so I consumed talking
about school and all the boring details of homework and some outing
that all the high school seniors were too excited about.

After
his long interrogation, he got up and walked closer to the ledge and
leaned against it. I followed him. He looked absolutely
breathtaking
.
All of a sudden, I felt a strong need to get close to him. My body
moved toward him without my permission—though I was very aware
of it. There was an obvious battle in his eyes I couldn’t quite
tap into. He came closer to meet mine and without hesitation, he
locked my face with his hands gently. And as I continually locked my
eyes on him, I caught a confusing but deep emotion in the depths of
his gaze. My breathing changed. The moment seized me. My blood
gushing into violent rapids.

He
leaned down and his lips found mine—crushing my need that I
didn’t know I had before. Then, an electricity crawled through
me, rippling throughout my body. It was a strange sensation—the
touch of his lips. But, before I could drown myself into him, he
pushed me almost aggressively. His eyes, a fire of fury. Regret was
suddenly clear in his eyes. He immediately detached himself from
holding me.

“
I
didn’t want any of this to happen,” his voice sounded
like a massive roar of thunder. An anger ignited in his eyes. I was
confused. A subtle ache settled in my
heart.
I began to walk away giving him some distance.

“
Please
don’t go,” his eyes pleaded like he was in deep torment.
I know you don’t understand and I can’t explain,”
his tone was seeping with a strong internal battle that he couldn’t
contain.

“
There’s
nothing to explain, I’m okay,” I replied, assuming that
he was referring to the kiss. “I know you will be if I
just…leave you alone!” I waited for an explanation but I
didn’t get it.

“
What
do you mean?” I demanded. He didn’t answer, instead, he
walked further—further that I had to follow him. A sudden
change in his expression made me afraid. We sat by the ledge for a
while without saying anything. I was weighing in if I should break
off the silence, but something in his expression told me that silence
was exactly what he wanted—as if he was savoring this moment in
time—like it could end at any moment.

It
was almost midnight, I felt like I never wanted it to end.

“
I
better take you home, I don’t want your dad to be worried,”
his voice was low and strained. I looked at my phone and it blinked
at exactly eleven forty five. I gasped. I think it was a little too
late for that. “I’m going to call my Dad, tell him I’m
on my way.” Even though I was already eighteen, I had always
called Steve whenever I was late and he did the same.
How
could I have forgotten the time?
I
was usually responsible for letting him know my whereabouts. I seem
to be oblivious of everything when I’m with
him—
like
time stood still when I’m with Tristan—like it didn’t
exist. I felt an ache to the thought of the night ending. I felt
happier than I had been in months.

Tristan
got up and pulled me to my feet. He faced me. His eyes were a glass
of sapphire. “Look Katheryna, you and I—I just can’t
be with you. I can’t see you anymore. Not even as a friend. I’m
so sorry it’s all my fault…I know I invited you here. It
just has to be,” his voice was stern, as he emphasized the last
words as If to make sure I understood them. His expression seemed
detached but his voice was determined. His face hardened into a stone
cold mask.

I
could see the distance in his eyes like he had made a final decision.
His eyes—cold. Resolved. Final. My world collapsed inside my
head. The confusion left me momentarily with nothing. He insisted on
driving me home in my car. I didn’t know why I agreed and why
he felt the need to. He was quiet the whole ride home. I didn’t
ask him any questions, even though I didn’t understand any of
his actions. The undeniable truth stared me in the face. One thing
was for sure—he didn’t want me enough to tell me, and I
would be so stupid as to beg.

For
about half an hour we drove in complete silence. I tried to distract
myself from the awkwardness and leaped my thoughts out to the cracked
window for most of the ride. From the corner of my eye, I couldn’t
help but notice that his grip was locked on the steering wheel, his
jaw clenched into a steel. His thoughts, seemed like a thousand miles
away.

The
silence between us filled the air. I didn’t look at him now,
instead, I focused on the billowy greens that draped the trees and
the lights that continued to turn green. As we turned the last corner
approaching the house, I noticed that the porch light was on. I felt
the dreaded moment as the car’s engine died down. I tried to
tune out all the voices in my head, battling within at that moment. I
wanted very much to ask him all the questions in my head—I
needed explanations. But I couldn’t seem to find the words, as
if something in me was simply obedient to his warnings and to
everything. He handed me the keys and stepped out of the car. To my
surprise, a cab was waiting for him at the corner. I didn't wait for
him to disappear, I headed immediately to the door and shut it behind
me as quickly as I could.

T
he
next day, it was slow and freezing. I decided that there was nothing
I could do, and that it’s unhealthy to let another person get
me down…even if that someone was Tristan. The mere thought of
his name sent unimaginable pain and loneliness inside me and I’d
wished I had forgotten about him by now.