Cast & Fall (30 page)

“
Look,
Katheryna…I’m sorry, I just can’t tell you…It’s
way too dangerous,” his voice was gentle, almost defeated. His
gaze was deep—sweeping all over me with almost a
painful
sorrow. He looked tired. But the concern in his voice did little to
ease the
anger
and pain I felt—if anything it seemed to have magnified it.

“
Dangerous?”
I’ve heard this before,” I hissed sarcastically.

“
You
want to talk to me about danger,” I boiled over.

“
I’ve
had more accidents than anyone in their lifetime. I don’t think
not knowing will increase my rate of mortality,” my voice
faltered. At that moment my emotion just felt tired too.
“
You
don’t know what you’re asking!” There was an edge
to his tone.

“
Well,
let me be the judge of that,” I snarled.

“
I’m…dangerous.”
He used the word
dangerous
once again, as if
rephrasing the word was going to change my mind and I was suddenly
going to bolt out of fear. My eyebrows stretched higher, as I waited
for more clarification and possibly more of the truth than what he
was giving me.

“
I’m
not what you think.” I could see the facade fading, but it
didn’t matter.

“
Well,
that’s easy enough, I haven’t had any conclusions about
you yet,” my voice grew in intensity as frustration took over
and the last straw of patience vanished.

“
Could
you just trust what I say and not go with anyone, until I sort things
out,” he sighed. He sounded almost surrendered.

“
No,
I don’t trust you and why should I! Let me clarify this for
you. I. Want. You. To. Leave. Me alone.” The words hurt me more
than I was prepared for—the truth that I had to force, felt
like a sharp dagger in my chest. The words vibrated deeply in my
throat, spitting it as quickly as I could like it was poison. But I
had to say it. And I hope I convinced him enough that I meant it—but
I think I did, because there was a dark window of pain in his eyes
that wasn’t there a second ago. But, I knew too well that If I
didn’t say it now, that I wouldn’t be able to find the
courage to—
leave.

All
I know is that I wanted to leave…from someone who desperately
wanted to hurt me, from someone who didn’t trust me enough to
tell me the truth, and away from the lies and the feelings I have
when I was around him.

Covering
my eyes halfway, I stormed outside the hallway, out to the main
dining room and out the door to the parking lot, holding my breath,
hoping to make it at least by the swivel door before the gust of
tears started falling. I hated the betrayal of
tears—the
obvious weakness of letting someone know how much I cared—of
how much of myself looked
broken
.
But I couldn’t concentrate on that. I shoved it aside,
unable
to deal with the searing pain that is now intensifying with each
passing moment.

I
clutched my emotion and ran—but not to my car. I continued on
foot to the dark path that led to a thick brush of greenery. As soon
as I knew I was far away enough, I let it all out. Storm of tears
trickled down my cheeks, down my chin. I didn’t care anymore. I
had to simply forget him and reject everything that I had been
feeling—to simply go back to the way I had been before I met
him. But right now, I couldn’t simply overcome everything
that’s inside me, burning with every breath that I have.

With
nothing but my gush of emotions pouring, I raced through the forest,
darting aimlessly through the lush of greens, skipping over stones
and sharp branches, possibly scratching and tearing my skin. But I
didn’t care, my pain was deeper than any cut could ever make.

My
lungs burned. My throat dried. My heart raced.

I
continued long enough to feel the ache of my body almost taking over
the pain I had inside. And after running endlessly, my feet
automatically stopped to the gasping feeling of exhaustion. I leaned
forward, touching my knees with both hands to prevent myself from
collapsing on the ground. I felt too disoriented.

I
wiped the feeling of sweat on my forehead. My skin felt clammy. I
scanned my surrounding, feeling too out of breath to give the wildly
twisted branches and all the decaying leaves a thought.

I
went toward a rock and sat to catch my breath. Once my breathing
became even, I took off my shoes and curled my toes to feel the
earth. A hard rock grazed my toes but it didn‘t bother me. I
suddenly found myself walking barefoot.
Alone
.

Though,
at my passing, a sudden gust of wind rustled the trees, scattering
the hundreds of little insects into panic, crawling along branches
into hidden crevices, seemingly aware of a strange presence. I
ignored their strange instinct, trying to bury the sudden change I
was feeling in the air.

My
mind and body, still too tired to care about my surrounding, I
continued wandering without a real destination. It didn’t seem
to bother me that I may possibly get lost. My mind was simply tired.

My
eyes blinked and I caught a glimpse of something unexpected.
Something from afar. I saw a shadow from a far distance; It looked
strangely familiar. A sudden jolt of memory came to me—
the
same shadow from my dreams.
I
held my breath instinctively. My feet moved forward with my reaction
unknown to me.

As
I continued to approach the silhouette, my eyes became clearer
despite the misty fog that suddenly hovered. I stood there for a
minute as I stared at the shadow. But it might as well had been an
eternity. It didn’t move.

Beneath
my feet, I could feel the dry leaves crunch, the sharp stones and mud
that caked my feet. I walked slowly. Dusk gave way to the cooler air
that suddenly felt icy. My eyes opened wide.

Then.

Could
he be? How did he…?

My
eyes flickered—trying to clear my vision, trying to make sure
that I wasn’t hallucinating…or having a nightmare, or
both. My mind spun into a funnel, filtering my surrounding. I started
to think how far I’ve gone into the woods. Was I followed?…
It
was impossible
.

A
sudden burst of birds, beat their wings. Swooshes of air canopied up
above. I flickered my eyes to look at them quickly, feeling the
similar, simmering panic that I was just now starting to feel.

Suddenly,
the forest felt hot and humid. The mixed emotions of confusion and
pain leveled to just one intense feeling…
fear—
making
my head spin, my body numb and my face ghastly white.

I
felt blood drain from every vein in my body. The loud thumping of my
heart in my ears, sent ringing, violent vibrations to every core of
me. The fleeing instinct comes to mind. But I didn’t move.
I
was stone
.

Everything
was clear now. My eyes focused sharply.

“
Tristan…how?…when…did…you..?”
my broken voice a whisper. My own shock overwhelmed me. He stood in
front of me, a good ten feet away, stiff as a statue. His blazing
hot, ice cold eyes, carried more intensity than I have ever seen
before.

The
leaves suddenly stilled. The air, thick. My heart stopped. My mind
was too stunned. I felt weak. I didn’t understand fully what
was about to happen, but I knew something…bad is about to be
unleashed upon me.

Why
couldn’t I heed his warning? Why couldn’t I let it go?
Regret
and fear crippled me as I stared at his stone-like face—a face
I couldn’t seem to recognize now.

Suddenly,
a voice so terrifying, I shuddered.

“
Do.
You. Want. To. know…
who.
I.
am?” his voice thundered in a roar—rumbling at each word.
I couldn’t speak. I froze solid.

“
Or
Do you want to know…
what
I am?” his
voice sliced through my ear like lightning. The words echoed in my
head like I was in a tunnel, like I was hearing the words but my mind
was not strong enough to comprehend them.

My
lips fell silent. I stared in shock and felt weaker than I had ever
felt before. After he uttered the words, I knew there was no escape.
He had been warning me. Now, I know…and now—it’s
too late.

All
of a sudden, everything was spinning. The echo of his voice drummed
in my ears. The ground seem to wobble from under me. I could hardly
keep my feet planted on the ground. And without warning, his face was
inches from mine. He traveled in lightning speed. He held my face
with his warm hands. I flinched at the electricity of his touch. I
couldn’t move.

As
our eyes locked, his eyes changed colors; tiny specs of blue, green
and amber all bounced off from his pupils. The gray orbs returned. I
couldn’t help but be mesmerized by them. “Don’t be
afraid,” he said. His face appeared soft and gentle.
“
Please
don’t be afraid of…me…I’m an…angel…a
fallen…angel.” I couldn’t quite grasp the reality
of his revelation.

“
A...what?”
my voice was slow, weak and my mind still very much lost.

“
I’m…not
human
,”
his stare grew in intensity—a color of gleaming
gray,
eclipsed the last
trace of aquamarine in his eyes.

My
legs felt heavy, my thoughts a pile of uncertainty. My knees curled,
falling to the ground. He gently pulled my chin and looked down to
stare at my bewildered eyes. I looked up, staring at the beautiful
creature. He looked glorious. And for a brief moment, I had forgotten
my fear as if it had vanished and wonder took its place. He extended
his right arm. I flinched at the electricity of his touch, but took
his hand willingly. He pulled me up gently.

“
How?
Why?” was all I could say. I couldn’t truly concentrate
on my own words. My voice—my thoughts, sounded foreign. Heavy
anguish washed over his perfect face.

“
I
told you, I wasn’t good…I am not good for you,”
his voice certain. The words cut through me as deep torment radiated
from his expression.
“
I’m
so sorry, I shouldn’t
have
come into your life…you shouldn’t have trusted me. But,
it’s not your fault…how could you have known. Look at
you, such a trusting soul.” Regret lingered heavy on his face.
His agony indescribable.

“
I
need to leave so that you can be safe,” his next words were
stern.

“
What
do you mean?…are you going to hurt me?” He looked at me,
his eyes seem to wallow in guilt. “I’m responsible for a
lot of things,” he sighed. “Don’t be afraid, I’m
not going to hurt you.”

There
was a long silence between us before I forced the words out that
seemed to lack conviction.

“
I
don’t think you could ever hurt me,” my words sounded
like a question.

“
I
don’t think many will agree with you,” a trace of disgust
was in his voice.

For
one fleeting moment, I finally realized what he’d been trying
to tell me all this time—that he was dangerous and leaving had
always been the only option. But I didn’t know if I could let
him go. I suddenly felt sick at the thought—Tristan leaving
—to
never hear his voice or gaze at his glorious face again. I couldn’t
fathom the idea.

“
Please,
stay.” I touched his cheek. He flinched at my touch. He stared
long in
silence.
“
I
don‘t know if…” he hesitated.

“
I
know how I must seem to you…but remember beauty is only skin
deep. Never forget that—even if that skin is not human…the
beauty of what you see in me is a reminder of who I was, a beautiful
creation that used to belong in heaven…a very…very…long
time ago. But now…” he paused briefly. “I’m…nothing.”

His
voice cut through me, as if every pain he felt, crept inside my heart
like little stabs—ripping, tearing my heart into small pieces.

“
Don’t
say that…don’t ever say that. Whatever you have done is
all in the past.” There was a desperation in my voice that I
didn‘t even know I had.