Casting Down Imaginations (14 page)

“You ready?” he asked as if nothing was wrong.

I couldn’t believe it. Fine! If he could act like I was
nothing, then I could act like he was nothing! That’s what I’d been doing
anyway, brushing him off and pushing him to the side. He probably had plenty of
opportunities to get with a lot of girls, and he had a right to. He wasn’t my
man, and I told him I didn’t want him. And I didn’t. I didn’t have time to
worry about him. I had to finish school. So why was I tripping on some girl
giving him her phone number? He wasn’t my man and I didn’t want him.

“Yeah, I’m ready,” I told him.

He grinned and put his arm around me. I tried my best to be
content, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had in the pit of my stomach.

If he wasn’t my man, why did his arm feel so good around me?

fifteen

Anaya

I walked into my room and flopped down on my bed. Disgusted,
I pulled out my phone and dialed Reese’s number for the fifth time since I woke
up this morning. As usual, it rang four times and went to his voicemail. I
flung the phone across the room and sprawled across the bed.

I wanted to cry, but I refused to. Nothing in my life was
going right. I hadn’t talked to my man in days, I had no friends, and no money.
I couldn’t stand my roommate, and I couldn’t stand living in these stupid
dorms. Even Karen got to stay in the student hotel, but she always got whatever
she wanted. It was so unfair.

I grunted, thinking that I didn’t want to stay in school
anymore. In class today everyone kept talking about the classes they were
taking next semester. I didn’t even want to register because I didn’t want to
come back after the winter holidays. But if I didn’t I’d end up back home with
Deacon Patterson and that was definitely out of the question. Regressing was
not an option, but I didn’t know what else to do.

I would love to have my own place and have independence for
once in my life. It’d be nice to rent out a condo on the east side of town and
just live my life the way I wanted to. Then I could invite Reese over, and we
could spend some
real
quality time together.

My cell phone rang. Yes! I knew he was going to call! I knew
he couldn’t be that cold towards me, not after all I did for him the other
night. He really did love me. He probably was just busy and didn’t have time to
call.

I scrambled to the floor and picked up the phone. My face
dropped when I discovered it wasn’t him. It was Deacon Patterson. What did he
want?

Frustrated, I dropped the phone back on the floor and crawled
back on the bed. The phone rang and rang before notifying me that a voicemail
message had been received. Feeling guilty, I retrieved the phone and listened
to the message.

“Hey Baby Girl,” Deacon’s familiar voice greeted me. “It’s
Deac. Look, I was just calling to tell you I made a deposit into your checking
account to pay your tuition and room and board. I figured it would be easier
that way instead of sending you a check in the mail. I know you have to
register early to get the classes you want. I’m not sure how much it’s gonna
be, but I put thirty five hundred dollars in there. That should cover everything.
If you have any left over you just keep it and buy yourself something nice. I
know you love to shop, so go ahead and treat yourself. I’m so proud of you,
Baby Girl. Give me a call when you get the chance. Love you.”

I felt horrible. I hadn’t talked to Deacon in weeks. The
least I could do was answer the phone when he called. All he wanted to tell me
was that he put some money in my account. He was so sweet. The only problem was
that it was for tuition, and I didn’t even want to stay in college!

I wished I could just take that money and use it to get my
own place.

…

My brain got to working. Excited, I jumped up from the bed
and began to pace back and forth. Thirty five hundred dollars was a lot of
money. That would get me an apartment for sure. I wouldn’t have to worry about
putting gas in my car, either. I’d have to get furniture, but that wouldn’t be
a problem. I could just rent. Shoot, I’d even have enough left over to go
shopping!

If Deacon were here right now I’d jump on him and give him a
kiss. He was so naive. He thought that my sheltered upbringing would result in
me becoming an honest woman. Thank goodness he was dumb enough to trust me.

sixteen

K
aren

“I am
stuffed
,” I replied to Terrance as we walked
back into my room. We’d just come back from dinner and a movie. It was Friday
night, and we were trying to spend some time together before he left on Sunday
morning. “That was the best Mexican food I have ever had in my
life
.”

He grinned as he walked past me and took a seat on the couch.
“I’m glad you liked it. Only the best will do for you, Boo.”

I grinned and sat down with him.

“You ain’t got to sit so far away, though,” he said.

I looked at our positions. Two people could have fit in the
space between us.

“Would you like me to sit right under you?” I laughed.

He didn’t smile. He really would have liked me to.

“I’m just saying. You all the way over there like I got
cooties or somethin’. I just wanna chill wit’ you, girl. It’s been so long
since I seen you, since I held you. I’m just trying to spend quality time.”

I scooted closer. He put his arm around me and rested my head
against his chest.

“This is much better,” he said. “So what’s on TV?”

I shrugged my shoulders and pointed to the remote next to him
on the end table. He picked it up and turned the TV on, then began to flip
through the channels.

As he made his way through all of the local television
stations my mind started to wonder what it would be like to be with him. Being
an athlete’s girl would definitely be a change for me. I’d have to get used to
his popularity and all the women constantly vying for his attention, but it
wouldn’t be so bad. If he kept spoiling me like this, I might just fall in
love.

“So how you like it here, babe?” he asked.

I inhaled his cologne, becoming intoxicated by him. “It’s
okay, I guess. I mean, I’m not the big superstar basketball player, so I don’t
know what it would be like here for you. You might have to ask one of the guys
on the team. But it sure ain’t like high school.”

“Oh yeah? You always made good grades before. I thought
college would be easy for you.”

I shook my head. “Nope. It’s a whole lot harder. I’m doing
good, but it’s hard. I study every day just about, just to keep my B average.
Plus, I got finals next week, and I know they’re gonna be extra hard.”

“Yeah…” his voice dwindled.

I looked up at him. “What’s the matter?”

He shook his head. “Nothing. I was just thinking...”

“About?”

He sighed, “Life.”

“What do you mean, life?”

“Life. It’s hard out there, Karen.”

I sat up and looked at him. He’d never been this way with me
before. He was sulking.

“What is it, Terrance?”

He sighed. “Life is hard, Karen. I mean… You think it’s gonna
go one way, you know? You set out and plan for it, just like they tell you to.
And then boom, just like that, something happens that just messes up
everything.”

He was talking about his knee injury. I felt so bad for him.
It must have hurt to lose everything all at once like that. It was a wonder he
had enough strength to find the hope it took to make a recovery.

He chuckled. “You know what? Before my knee got messed up, I
was the man. I really was. I had everything I wanted. I didn’t have to worry
about nothin’. But as soon as those doctors said my basketball career was over,
everything was gone. It took me a while to figure it out, but now I know that
nothing in this life is guaranteed, except for love.”

I was sad. “Why are you telling me all of this, Terrance?” I
asked.

“Because I know you really love me, Karen. You wanna know how
I know? Because you was down wit’ me before all the material things. You loved
me when I was just a school boy from a small town with a basketball and a
dream. And I did you wrong. I did you so wrong, babe, but I wanna make it up to
you.”

He turned to me and hugged me close. I liked the way my body
fit next to his, almost like I was made to be right by his side.

“I love you,” he told me. “I love you so much, girl. I want
it to be me and you again, like it was when we first started. And when I make
it to the top, I promise I’m gon’ take you wit’ me.”

This was all too much for me. Him being here, holding me and
whispering sweet things to me all seemed like a dream. But this wasn’t a dream.
This was real life. The man that I loved so much so long ago was with me right
now, telling me that he loved me and he wanted to be with me. I gave up on this
a long time ago and now it was, he was, finally, with me. I felt tears coming.

Terrance slid off the couch and kneeled in front of me. He
put his face in my lap and kissed my knees. He was crying.

“I wish I could jus’ make you feel how I feel,” he started
again. “I wish I could just make you feel how I feel, so you could understand.
Baby, I’m not playin’. I’m not tryin’ to run no silly game on you. I love you,
girl.”

I gently tilted his head up by his chin, forcing him to look
at me. I saw sincerity. All of his emotions were flowing from his eyes. I’d
never seen him cry before. Suddenly everything I’d ever felt for him, the love,
the anger, the hate, the sympathy, all began to flow from my eyes as well.

“Take me back, baby,” he begged. “I promise I’ll be good to
you.”

I didn’t know what to do or say. We were both sitting there
crying.

He put his head in my lap again and hugged my legs. “You
still got my name tattooed on your thigh,” he whispered and pointed to the mark
on my upper thigh.

I hadn’t realized my skirt had shifted up that high, but I
didn’t bother to pull it down.

“I forgot about that. It’s sexy,” he whispered, and kissed it
slowly.

With his finger he began to trace the cursive marking on my
thigh. It was enticing.

“Let me have you, baby,” he whispered as he traced and
kissed. “I love you.”

I wanted him and I wanted him bad, but everything in me said
“Not now. Not like this.”

“I can’t, baby,” I whispered, remembering my celibacy. It
would be a waste of two and a half years to give in now.

He kept kissing my thigh as if he didn’t hear me.

“Terrance, I can’t,” I whispered again, a little louder this
time.

He kissed my thigh again, then began to trace the writing of
the tattoo with his tongue.

Oh my…

He sat up and leaned against me, forcing me on my back. With
soft lips he kissed my mouth, causing me to become weak.

“I love you,” he repeated, and kissed me again.

He felt good. He felt
real
good. His kisses were
passionate, like he’d been dreaming about me for a long time.

I was scared. I wanted to speak up but I felt like I didn’t
know how. Since he’d been gone I’d been so strong, denying any and everyone who
tried to get this close to me. I’d purposely separated myself to wait for my
future husband. I vowed to God that only my husband would touch me this way.
I’d been so strong before this man showed up at my door. Now he was here,
wanting to come back to me, and it was hard to turn him away.

But I had to.

“Terrance, stop,” I said, and tried to sit up.

He kept kissing me. It took everything I had to speak up and
not give in.

“Stop it!” I persisted, and shoved him away.

He sat up, confused. “What’s the matter?”

A tad bit embarrassed that I had even went as far as I did, I
crawled from underneath him and stood to my feet.

“I can’t… I can’t do this. Not like this.”

“What? You wanna go in the bedroom?”

I stomped my foot. “No! That’s not what I meant.”

“What are you talking about then?”

I looked at him. He didn’t get it.

“Terrance, I’m celibate.”

He nodded.

“No, for real.
For real, for real.
I’m celibate, and
I’m not having sex again until I get married.”

Defeated, he slouched. “Oh. You’re serious.”

“Yes. I don’t do those things anymore, Terrance.”

He pouted and looked away.

I felt bad. He was probably more familiar with girls like
Christy from the gym giving him whatever it was that he wanted. Here I was,
teasing him by letting him take me out on dates, knowing fully well that when
it came down to it I wasn’t going to do anything sexual. Not because I didn’t
want to, because I did. I
really
did. But I couldn’t expect Terrance to
be like me just because I changed.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized.

He stood to his feet and took a deep breath. “No need for you
to apologize. If that’s how you feel, then that’s how you feel. It’s that God
thing, right?”

I nodded.

“That’s cool. I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do, right?”

I watched him as he went into the kitchen and got a glass
from the cabinet.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Getting a glass of water. I gotta… cool
off.”

I watched him as he poured the glass and then drank the water
slowly. He was fine.
Too fine.

“I think it may be better for you to go back to your room,” I
told him. “Downtown.”

He looked at me as if I were crazy. “What? We can’t have sex
so I gotta leave?”

I nodded.

“What? You think I might do something to you? Come on now,
girl. You ought to know me better than that. I ain’t gon’ take nothin’ from
you.”

I decided to be perfectly honest with him.

“I’m asking you to leave before I do something that I might
regret in the morning.”

His right eyebrow went up. He understood that everything he
was feeling toward me, I was feeling toward him also.

“I think you better go,” I said.

He made sure he had his keys, then blew me a kiss and left
the room.

I sprawled out across the couch, relieved that I was able to
maintain my celibacy for one more day.