Catch Me Falling (17 page)

She stuck her head out the door, caught Jill’s attention.

“Yes?” Jill asked, attentive.

Alexa looked her, smiled faintly. “I have a proposition for you,” she said. Jill raised her eyebrows but followed Alexa into her office without a word.

I
saac sat
in the break room, staring at the far wall. His shift had been over for fifteen minutes and instead of going to his lake house like he had wanted to, he had offered to cover for a coworker. It was better than going to his lake house without Alexa, just to have Ellie cluck over him. It would feel wrong. Empty.

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. It was early morning on a weekend and not nearly as busy as usual. In another hour they would be slammed, and he would be regretting any thoughts of it not being busy, but for now, that wasn't the case.

He looked up when Garrick entered the room. Inwardly he felt uneasy, angry – what the fuck did he want? Garrick was who had helped sabotage his relationship with Alexa. Who had pushed Isaac to the point he lost control, snapped at her.

“I need talk to you,” Garrick said without preamble.

Isaac felt the irritation simmer under his skin. What did that mean? Had he found out about Alexa? About their fight? No, Isaac had done everything he could to protect her. “Sure,” he said. He glanced around. “I’m due on shift in an hour. Doing a double.”

Garrick nodded as if that didn't concern him. Given he was primarily administration, maybe it didn't. Isaac followed him to a small office off to the side. “You're going to be reassigned,” Garrick told him.

Isaac looked at him, frowned. “Sir?”

“Miss Matthews has tendered her resignation,” Garrick said. “So the hospital is hiring a new consultant, and you won’t be reassigned to them.”

Isaac’s skin prickled uncomfortably. Leaving? “What do you mean, she’s leaving?”

Garrick looked at him as if he was stupid. “She's leaving the hospital.”

Isaac forced himself to lean back in the chair, nod as if it didn't matter. It couldn't matter, not for her sake. “I see,” Isaac said.

“Because of that, we’ve decided to assign a new consultant, somebody who is more familiar with the ropes and can help our new lawyer get up to speed.” There was something in his tone Isaac didn't like. Some insinuations. So he hadn't completely bought Isaac's story, then.

“Anything else?” Isaac said coolly.

Garrick studied him for a moment, shook his head. “Nothing,” he said. “You've got two weeks to wrap up your cases with Miss Matthews.” He studied Isaac for a moment. “Do your best to not disappoint this department.”

Yeah he was definitely not happy. But Isaac didn’t care. His reputation in the department, his standing as one of their best doctors - that only mattered so far. Alexa mattered more than all of that, more than his dignity. She was leaving? Why? It had to be his fault.

Craig came over, his eyebrows raised as he took Isaac’s expression in. “Ready for work?”

Isaac glanced at the wall, sighed. It was time to get ready. Time to throw his personal life out of his mind, to focus on the patients that needed him. No matter what was going on in his personal life, he couldn't let it interfere. No matter how much he wanted to text Alexa, to see her, he couldn’t.

She didn’t care. Could he change that? He didn’t know. He took a deep breath and went about his work.

I
nstead of spending
the weekend with Isaac, enjoying his company, Alexa spent it doing paperwork and giving notice. She was more than pleased to have Jill going with her, to have a familiar face in a new workplace. It was a close enough move that Jill and Sarah could still be together, that it didn't interfere with their relationship. No matter what had happened between Alexa and Isaac, she didn’t want to break Jill away from Sarah. Someone deserved to be happy.

She been grateful for that, for her new opportunities, but nothing else. She had not heard from Isaac since they had fought, since he had last talked to her. They had a few cases to wrap up, but she could do it over email.

It didn’t matter. She turned her attention towards her new office, her new desk. She had a perfect view of downtown; tall skyscrapers and gorgeous parks. She liked it even more than she thought she would.

“Is it to your satisfaction?” Eric asked, watching her from the doorframe with a smile.

Alexa looked at him, smiled despite the fact her heart felt heavy. “I think you know it is,” she said with a grin.

He laughed, nodded at her and Jill. “I’ll leave you two to get settled, then.” He disappeared out the door, leaving the two of them alone.

Jill was standing at her desk, just outside Alexa’s private office. She was trailing her fingers over the mahogany, not looking at Alexa.

“What do you think?” Alexa asked her. She felt her phone buzz and she ignored it. Part of her wanted to grab it, see if Isaac had messaged her. But she didn’t. She would check it when she was done.

Jill made two thumbs up.

Alexa laughed.

“Better pay, and better hours?” Jill whistled. “Sign me up.”

Alexa chuckled, but her smile was fading. Her heart felt heavy, as if she couldn’t fully enjoy it like she wanted to. “Well better hours for you, at least,” she teased.

Jill chuckled. “More court hours for you,” she said. “And you like that bit.”

Alexa couldn't deny that. More paralegal support meant more time freed up to be in court, to juggle cases. It would give her the variety in cases that she been trying to find but couldn't at the hospital. “I'm glad you could come,” she admitted. She could feel Jill’s eyes on her. “I don't know if I would've been brave enough to do this myself.”

Jill nudged her. “You would have,” she said. “But I’m glad you dragged me.” She glanced out the bay windows. “Much better view.”

Alexa hugged her, then felt her phone buzz on her hip. She scowled down at it. Who was it?

Jill nodded to her and then went out to her desk, settling into her new office.

Ignoring her phone, Alexa sat in her chair. Even the chairs were comfier. She touched her fingers to the dark wood, cherished the feel of it against her skin. This desk had been set up just for her, not borrowed from someone else, not as a replacement, but for her and her alone. No more secondhand equipment.

Her phone buzzed again. With a groan she pulled it out of her pocket, pulled open the texts.

Hello.

How are you?

Good luck with your new job.

They were all from Isaac. Her heart fluttered in her chest.  Was it going around the hospital, already, that she was leaving? She didn't think she was nearly that popular, not that warranting of rumors. But then again, she knew he would find out somehow. And she knew she wouldn’t be the one to tell him.

Had he been keeping tabs on her, somehow? Looking for information? The thought made her shudder, and she looked up to see Jill watching her with a concerned expression.

“Who was it?” Jill asked.

Alexa shook her head. “No one.”

“So, Isaac.” Jill raised her eyebrows, made it clear Alexa wouldn’t get away with that. Alexa sighed. It had marred her day, made her excitement diminish. Jill came over and wrapped an arm around her. “Why don’t you just talk to him?”

Alexa frowned. “When did you get all wise?”

Jill chuckled. “I’m just that type.”

“So what are you doing to do with your raise?” Alexa asked, skirting the topic of conversation.

“Move in with Sarah,” Jill answered promptly. She glanced at Alexa, shrugged. “I think we’re ready.”

“I’m happy for you two,” Alexa said, and she was. Even though her first thought was of Isaac, of what it would have been like to live with him. To wake up every morning with him looking at her, a smile on his face. No. She wasn’t allowed to go there.

The silence spooled out between them for a long minute. “You need to talk to him,” Jill said, her voice soft.

“It wouldn’t change anything.” Alexa fussed with her desk organizer, with anything she could to keep her hands busy.

“How do you know that?”

“Because I do.”

Jill snorted. “So now you can tell the future?”

Alexa looked away from her, didn’t say anything. She didn’t want to admit that she was scared. That the more time that passed, the less she was sure of what she had said. She had spoke harshly, in the moment. So certain of her convictions.

Maybe - just maybe - things would turn out to be good in the end. She wasn’t sure why, but that thought terrified her more than ending up with another Damien.

“You’re afraid.” Jill’s voice was soft.

“That obvious?” Alexa scowled at herself.

“You’re like an open book when you’re not in court,” Jill said cheerfully.

Alexa tugged on a strand of her hair and looked at Jill. “Maybe.”

“Do it,” Jill said. She patted Alexa’s shoulder. “I’ll be around if you need me.” She turned and left, leaving Alexa in her office by herself.

Her phone buzzed. It was the unknown number.

I like your new office. It suits you
.

A sob caught in Alexa’s throat.
Leave me alone
, she texted back, her hands shaking. She blocked the number. Was it Damien? Was it some other, random asshole? She didn’t know. She didn’t want to know.

When Alexa left, a few hours later, she was more confused, more uncertain than she had been at the beginning of the day. Was leaving the hospital, leaving Isaac, actually what she wanted? Or was she just running away? Unsettled, Alexa headed home to the bottle of wine she knew was waiting. After a glass or two, maybe she could think more clearly.

I
saac stood before the graves
, feeling the springy grass underneath his feet. He wasn’t sure how he had ended up there, what had called him to the cemetery when he had not been there in fifteen years. But something had. He looked at his mother's grave, those of his siblings. Three graves in a row. His father had been buried elsewhere, not as part of their family. No one had wanted Dad buried near them.

Isaac crouched down by the grave, reading the tombstones, their inscriptions.
Emily Lynn Archer, Mother, daughter - loved a lot, gone too soon
.
Julie Lynn Wallace, daughter, much loved. A life too short. Daniel Aaron Wallace, son, much loved. Always smiling
. Lives that were cut too short, reduced to carbon, to dust.

“I'm sorry I've been away so long,” he said, reaching out and touching the top of his mother’s grave. It wasn’t like they could hear him or see him. They were dead, and he knew it. But somehow, it made him feel better. He crouched down, at eye level with his mother’s tombstone.

“I met this girl,” he told his mother, careful, slow. Stories spilled out, bit by bit. He told her, he told his siblings, all of it. Every last detail of meeting Alexa, of - falling in love with her. Because that’s what it was. That’s what she meant to him. He had accepted it. Embraced it. Even though she was gone now.

He sat criss-cross on the grass, looked at the grave. Saw his mother's face in his mind. Even now, years later, he could remember her smile. Remember the way she had read stories to him, to the three of them, as they sat tucked together on the couch. He would do that for his children, if he had any. Someday.

He swallowed, his hand caressing the top of the tombstone as he stood. He wanted Alexa. He did. But he couldn't have her. Not anymore. She had left him, she’d left him for good. But maybe she left because he had just given up, because he had taken no for no, instead of trying to win her back. He would change that. He would win her back.

He leaned down, put the fresh flowers on the grave. “Thank you, Mama,” he said. He wasn't a child, he didn't hug the grave anymore. But he missed her. He touched each of his siblings’ gravestones, murmured goodbye. He would be back again. Soon, too.

But first, he had to get Alexa back. He pulled his phone, unlocked it. Dialed her number. It rang, and it rang. No answer. Of course no answer; she wasn't taking his calls. Or texts. Or emails, or anything. He stared at his phone, considering the best way to get her attention. He knew what he had to do to get her to listen to him. He would get her back.

He headed back to the hospital, betting that she was still at her office. Besides, he could use work as an excuse. They still had to see each other for that.

W
hen Isaac got
to the hospital, there was still a light on in her office. He paused at the front desk, at Jill. Who studied him for a few moments, and then smiled a little smile and waved him forward. That was interesting in itself. Did she not believe that he was doing something wrong? Was she on his side? He didn't stop to question it, instead heading straight towards Alexa’s office. The door was open.

Alexa narrowed her eyes at him and he didn’t care. “What do you want?” she asked, her voice frosty. There was a hint of fear underneath it, as if she resented being caught off guard. She glared at the door as if blaming Jill for letting him in.

“I just want to talk,” he said.

She looked at him, leaned back. Her cheeks were faintly pink. “This is about work?”

“No.” He went closer, circled around to her side. “I told Garrick - the man in the cafeteria - what I did, because I didn’t want you to lose your job. Your reputation.” His words were firm, and her gaze met his, even as he saw hesitation there. “If I had told him, if he knew, you would have been a slut to the ER. One of my women.” He took a deep breath. “And you’re so much more than that.”

He took another deep, shaky breath. Felt the pain, the scars, the shadows inside of him well up and threaten to consume him. “I’m scarred.” His gaze met hers, his eyes locked on hers. “I have scars that you can’t see. I don’t deserve you.”

She looked at him, her eyes softening. “What do you mean?”

“I could hurt you.” He felt numb now. “You saw it.” He kept going. He couldn’t give her room to doubt him. “But I want you, Alexa. I want you in a way I’ve wanted no one else.” Isaac’s eyes were locked on hers.

“We're just not a good fit for each other,” Alexa said, but she sounded uncertain, scared. Her gaze was flitting around the room, not focusing on him. “You don't really want me, anyway.”

“Why are you telling me what I want?” That hit, he could see it in her eyes.

“Trust me,” Alexa said, her teeth gritted. “It's better for both of us if we just let this go.”

“But I don't want to,” Isaac said. “And you don’t either.”

She glared at him, and for a second he saw the naked fear in her eyes.

“Alexa Matthews.” She looked at him, and there was a scowl on her face. She didn't like her full name. “I love you.” He stepped closer, and she let him. She was tense, he was afraid she would snap, but she didn’t shy away. He kissed her cheek, kissed the corner of her lips. Kissed her jawline.

“You love the idea of me,” she said, her voice breathy, puffs of air against his skin. “You love my body. But you don't love me.”

“But I do.” He cupped her face in his hands, met her eyes. Kissed her softly, sweetly, felt their lips move together like lava. “I love you.”

Her breath was shaky now, short gasps, her eyes still open when he pulled back. She was staring at him, her hands on the arms of her chair. He wanted to reach out, draw her close. Kiss her until that fear and uncertainty went away. But he knew if he pushed her too hard, if he moved too quickly, her fragility would consume her and she would break.

“I -” she cut herself off, took a shaky breath. “I need some time to think about this.” She didn’t look at him, she looked around the room and not at him.

“Take the time that you need.” Isaac leaned down, kissed her again. Let his lips move against hers until the kiss deepened. He could feel her fear, her desperation. Her uncertainty, all of it in the kiss. When they parted, her green eyes were on his. The weight of the world, of their relationship, hung in the air so heavy that Isaac could feel it clinging to his shoulders. “You have my number.” He kissed her one last time, a soft, intimate press of his lips to hers, and then left her office.

He had done what he could. It would hopefully be enough.

A
lexa took
a deep breath after Isaac left, trying to steady herself. Robotic she opened her email, checked it. Ignored the fact that Jill was sitting in the chair across her desk, arms crossed. Not an unusual day in her life, after all.

“Need something?” Alexa asked after a moment, when it became very clear that Jill was not going to leave until she was talked to.

“He loves you,” Jill said.

“Anything else?” Alexa raised her eyebrows.

“Think about it,” Jill said. Her gaze was compassionate, concerned.

Alexa exhaled quietly, tugged on a strand of her hair. “I will.” She glanced at the clock, at the lateness of the hour. They were going over to Sarah’s for the evening, to play board games and drink wine. It was definitely late enough to leave, if they wanted to. “Ready to go?” Alexa looked at Jill, hopeful.

“Let’s go.”

I
t had been
Jill's idea to go over to Sarah's for the evening and spending an evening not talking about law or new jobs. Or about Isaac. Sarah lived not too far from their new office, and when Alexa arrived it was easy to see Jill's homey touches.

Alexa liked spending time with both of them. They were very good at making her not feel like a third wheel, and Jill made it the entire evening without mentioning Isaac. Alexa was grateful. She had a lot on her mind.

Her lips still burned when she thought about that kiss, about the slow, languid way he had kissed her. It brought back memories of their time together, of the way he held her, the way he looked at her, the way he made love to her. He had said that he loved her, and she had felt scared. Trapped. Afraid.

What if he did? What if she had happiness dangled in front of her, and all she had to do was reach out and take it? Part of her wanted to hope, wanted to believe in him. But - what if it was a lie?

It was time to go, and Jill was staying at Sarah’s. Since Alexa had driven, that meant she had to walk back to her car alone. It didn't bother her, not really. She had pepper spray and training in self-defense. The alleys were well lit. It wasn't a bad part of town, either. She was probably safer than she was in a lot of other places.

She couldn’t help glancing around as she walked, the hairs on the back of her neck standing to attention. She didn't dare listen to music or do anything that could distract her or could draw attention. It was only about five or six blocks to her car, but it felt like forever. She was safe, she reminded herself. It would be okay.

Alexa heard a rustle, stopped. Slipped her hand into her pocket, grabbed her pepper spray. When nothing happened, she forced herself to relax. She wiped her sweaty palms on her pants. Three more blocks, and she was safe.

Her heels clicked against the ground, and for a moment she regretted wearing them. If someone was out there, she wouldn't be able to run away, not as fast anyway. She yawned, hid it with one hand and pulled out her car keys with the other. Worst case she could stab someone with them. Hopefully.

She was almost to her car. One more block.

Then there was another noise. She glanced around, saw nothing. No moving shadows, no people. A block and a half left.

She kept walking.

Then a hand grabbed her around her middle, pulled her roughly back. Her breath caught in her throat, and she dropped her keys as panic surged through her. “You thought you could escape me,” a voice hissed in her ear.

Alexa whimpered, having thought she’d heard the last of that voice at the bar, ages ago. Damien’s hand was on her mouth, so she couldn’t scream. He had pinned her so she couldn’t get to the pepper spray in her pocket. She was well and truly trapped. A knife clicked in the hand that was on her stomach. She fought back tears.

She thought of Isaac, wished he was there. He could protect her.

But he wasn’t.

She was going to die, and she would never have made up with him. Never have told him that she loved him, and that her love for him outweighed her fear. That she wanted to say yes. In that moment, with her life on the line, she knew what she wanted with her life. And she wanted Isaac Wallace, ER physician. In her bed, in her heart, in her life.

“Bitch,” Damien sneered, drawing her unwillingly back into reality. He pulled her further into an alley where she couldn't be seen. “I'll make you regret leaving.” His breath whooshed against her ear and she let out a choked sob. This couldn’t be happening, it couldn’t, she was dreaming -

He let her go, slapped her across the face and knocked her to the ground. She screamed, clawed at him. But she felt the burning pain as he stabbed her once, then again and again. She was sobbing, she was screaming, and all she could feel was the fire, the burning. He was swearing at her, cursing her name.

“You thought you could cheat on me with that asshole,” Damien hissed.

Stab. Pain. Her vision was going fuzzy.

“I won’t let him have you,” Damien told her. “If I can’t have you, no one can.”

Isaac. She would never see him again.

“I thought you would take the hint when I broke into your office and moved your shit around.” He sounded scornful. Dismissive. As if her life was worth nothing. “Stupid bitch.”

She heard voices, she heard noise. And then eventually, blissfully, her world went black.