Catch My Fall (39 page)

Cole texted me, dancing between righteous indignation and penitence, but I did not respond. I crawled into my bed with a pillow in my arms, holding it close, weeping into it when I needed and sleeping upon it when I could.

By morning, I had little sleep to speak of and a knot in my stomach. I snatched up the phone and asked Evan if he’d heard anything. Still no.

God, we were doing so much better too! Why did it need to get clusterfucked again? I slumped back into the bed, contemplating another month of not seeing him, not hearing his ringtone go off on my phone, knowing he was just a walk away and feeling as though some imaginary installation of razor wire would certainly eviscerate me if I were to attempt a closer approach.

To distract myself, I thought about starting work in a few weeks. My stomach turned. At least it would keep me busy. I wouldn’t have time to miss him. Wouldn’t have time to do much of anything. I pondered how long they’d have me get accustomed to the client base before I’d end up flying into whatever god awful city the companies hailed from. I searched the unpacked boxes in my mind, remembering where my carry-on was settled, still half packed, in the upper corners of the attic.

I wrote Stellan a new text.

Please talk to me.

I didn’t expect a response. Whatever repairs had been done to the bridge between us, his sad eyes spoke volumes of its burning. At that moment, I damn well wanted a hug.

The
‘Let me take you to breakfast?
’ text was from Cole.

I begrudgingly accepted and got dressed. My mother greeted me as I came downstairs, still in her bathrobe, despite planning to spend the day in at the museum. Cole pulled up along the curb, and I hustled outside to hop into the car. The thought of asking him in to visit my mother as she was drearily brewing coffee didn’t even cross my mind.

He reached across the car to kiss me. It wasn’t going to be that kind of a kiss.

“You look beautiful,” he said.

I can’t deny that my eyebrow shot up, but I didn’t say anything. It was a quiet drive.

He snuck me a smile as he unbuckled his seatbelt in the parking lot of Bickford’s, watching me do the same before leaning in for another kiss. He may have been hoping for it to take a romantic turn, but he was sadly mistaken.

I wasn’t particularly hungry, but I let Cole order us both Mimosas and Waffles.

“So that was an interesting night, huh?”

I nodded.

“Would you say he’d had too much to drink maybe?”

I furrowed my brow. “No.”

Cole thanked the waitress for his drink. “Didn’t realize he had such a temper.”

I chuckled. “He does.”

The table vibrated, and I went for my phone. It was still. I looked up to watch Cole read something on his phone and smile. He took a sip of his drink. “I was surprised to see Evan getting involved.”

“Oh he’s always ‘involved.’”

Cole didn’t look up from his phone, his thumbs flailing over its surface as he typed. “You’d think with his success he’d have more sense than that.”

“Would you?”

Cole nodded vehemently. “We’re lucky you didn’t have to call the cops.”

I played with my straw, swirling the ice cubes in the water. “I seem to remember you being pretty involved as well.”

Cole displayed his palms. “What could I do? The guy came at me. He was off his nut. Now we know, don’t criticize his video games, clearly.”

Cole laughed.

I smiled up at the waitress as she set my waffle in front of me. Cole glanced at his phone again, smiling.

I watched him a moment, the waffle before looking as appetizing as licking a 9 volt battery. “Who you talking to?”

He glanced at his phone and shrugged. “Just Matt from work.”

Cole took my hand and brought it up to his face, kissing the back of my hand. I let him.

“Faye, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let them get to me, but – I don’t know, I think I felt a bit cornered, you know? It’s your house, your friends, the only other sane one was – what’s his name – Jackie’s guy there?”

“Kevin.”

“Yes, and he was nowhere to be found, and Meghan is a right bitch. You know how I feel about her.” He took a sip of his drink. “I never got to hear what your big news was.”

“No one did.”

He gestured for me to continue.

I shrugged. “I got the job at Chalice.”

He clapped his hands together and leaned across the table to touch my arm. “That’s amazing!”

I smiled. “Yeah, I was pretty floored.”

“Fantastic!” He was up from his seat and leaned into me to kiss me a few times, his big, bright smile and brown eyes in their full glory just inches from my nose. “When do you start?”

“Second week in January.”

The table buzzed and despite the pattern, I still went for my phone.

I sat staring at my blank screen and my waffle. “Why is Matt texting you on a Sunday morning?”

Cole raised an eyebrow and settled back into his seat. “Just work stuff. He’s covering brunch and relaying the nightmare as it unfolds. That’s such great news, sweetheart. I’m sorry you didn’t get to celebrate last night.”

“I didn’t know you guys were so close.”

Cole set his phone down. “What? Matt and I? I wouldn’t say we’re close.” He paused. “It’s just Matt.”

“Ok.”

He stared at me a moment, and when he spoke, each word dripped with snark. “You want to look through my phone, Faye? Would that make you feel better?”

I met his gaze over the table. It was a hard look.

“No.”

We sat silent a moment. Finally, I grabbed my phone and stood up. “I’m gonna hit the bathroom. Be right back.”

I snuck away with my phone clutched in my hand like some brown bellied eagle with a salmon. I intended to work my Stephen King worthy mind powers on it in the bathroom stall. I sat there with my jeans around my knees and my phone in my hands, typing, deleting, and retyping a message to Stellan over and over, hoping that when I was done, it would be the magic amalgam of words that needed to be said for him to respond, to forgive me, to just acknowledge my existence.

By the time I resigned myself to not speak at all, I’d settled red lines into my thigh from the toilet seat.

Classy, Faye.

I was going for toilet paper when the buzz startled me so badly, I nearly dropped my phone onto the white tile floor.

Stellan -
There’s nothing to say.

My chest pounded.

Well, fuck that!

I didn’t use soap when I washed my hands, I admit that right now. I hauled my ass out of that bathroom, sat down across from Cole and leaned in.

“I do.”

He looked at me sideways. “What’s that?”

“I do want to look through your phone.”

He leaned back and glared at me a moment. I expected a fight, an argument, but he shrugged and went for his pocket.

“No, Cole! I don’t actually want to look through your phone.”

He furrowed his brow. “I’m confused.”

“I mean, I do, but I’m not going to.”

“Faye, honestly - you can if you want, I have nothing to-”

“Yes, but you did once. I get the creeps every time you smile at your phone because I’m thinking of what girl might be sending you pictures of her twat.”

“Faye -”

“And that’s on me. I said I wanted to give this another try, and I swear to you I truly did, but now that we’re here - there’s too much noise.”

He was silent a moment. “I understand that, sweetheart. And I’m willing to give it time if you are -”

“I know you are. I just don’t think time is going to make a difference.”

He reached across the table and took my hand.

It hurt to say it, but it was as true as my name. “I hate being in your apartment with you because I see her on every surface. I hate watching you get texts because even if you are texting Matt, I know once upon a time you were texting her. Maybe even while I was sitting across from you, just like this.”

He cringed. “Honey, please -”

“I’m sorry, Cole. I wish I could shut off the noise. I know I said I wanted to move past it, but - I just can’t.”

He squeezed my hand. After a moment, I squeezed back.

His eyes welled up just as the waitress returned to fill our drinks. I waved her away with a polite “we’re all set.”

There were more words milling about in my mind, but I wouldn’t say them. I just couldn’t be his. Not anymore.

We asked for the check, which Cole quickly paid.

The drive back to my house was silent, punctuated by a very soft kiss in the car before I climbed out to stand on the curb. He waved through the passenger window, his eyes heavy, and drove away. It hurt me to see him so sad. Despite everything he had done to me, all the nights I’d wept over him - I had loved him once. His car disappeared at the end of Davis Court, and I turned to my front door, pulling my coat tight around my jaw. Mom brought home a purple and gold wreath the day before to add her own festive touch to my complete failure of a party, and I now stared at it from the bottom of my steps. I considered the warmth inside, the house I’d known my whole life, the one I considered home even when my condo was filled with IKEA furniture and good intentions. This was the haven I ran to when the storms brought me to harbor.

Right now, this wasn’t the harbor I sought.

I turned and took off running. The road was dry, a path of white salt and gravel. My boots clomped over the ground with an even and purposeful rhythm. I knew where I was headed, and I would not be slowed. I rounded the end of Davis Court with clouds of steam pumping from my chest,
and the cold biting at my throat. I barreled toward the center of town. I was a beast, I was purpose incarnate, I was – out of breath. Fuck running.

I hustled as best I could across Central Square and onto Lowell Road, watching Stellan’s house as though I might burn through that invisible razor wire with my Stephen King worthy mind powers. Out of stubbornness as much as haste, I ran the last thirty feet to his doorstep, trudged up the steps as loudly as I could, to clear my feet of snow as much as announce my damn presence, and plowed into the foyer like I was being chased.

There was no one to greet me. The house was dark. I made for the basement door and opened it, hearing the familiar hum of electronics downstairs. I moved down the stairs, wasting no time to scan the room for my intended. As always, he was perched at his wall of screens.

I went for him. “There’s nothing to fucking say?”

He sat silent, staring at his laptop.

“How dare you fucking say that to me, you shit?”

At this he calmly leaned back in his chair and turned, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m sorry, are we in an argument I was unaware of?”

“Fuck you! Yes, we are!”

He nodded, rubbed his chin, then stood up. I swallowed hard as he took a couple steps toward me.

“Alright, then let’s get clear on who was wronged here.”

“I didn’t wrong you!” I said, and let’s be honest it was irritatingly shrill.

“You threw me out of your fucking house!”

“No I didn’t! I would never throw you out of my house!”

“
Bull shit! That’s exactly what you did! Threw me out to make way for that cock gobbling hobbit of a boyfriend of yours!”

“I didn’t! I didn’t want you to get in trouble!” And with that he laughed in my face. “Don’t you fucking laugh at me!”

“Oh I’m gonna! What? You think you were you protecting me?”

“Yes!”

“From what? I could pick my teeth with that fucker, and there ain’t a soul who would say otherwise.”

I frowned. “He would have pressed charges.”

“Let him. Big man. It’d be hard to tell the cops what happened with his jaw wired shut.”

“I’m serious!”

He surged toward me. “So am I! It would have been fucking worth it! Fucker needed to taste his own blood.”

He was yelling at me, and my fervor was collapsing. I coughed back a tightness in my throat. The effort caused the words to come softer than I intended. “You can’t get in a fight!”

Stellan tilted his head to the side. “What?”

“Assault with a deadly weapon. You would have gone to jail.”

He furrowed his brow and shook his head as though shooing off a fly. “What are you saying?”

“I know him, he would have pressed charges, and you had to register -”

He cracked a smile, and the thought of him mocking me again was too much.

I covered my face. “I hate you! Don’t laugh at me!”

His hands were at my elbows, then at my hands, trying to pull them away so he could see my face. I fought with a couple swats.

“What are you talking about, F-bomb? You’re not making any sense.”

I flailed my hands away from his, stepping out of his reach. “You’re a fucking black belt. If you get into a fight you could go to jail. I didn’t want you to go to jail.”

And like any other day that year, tears rolled down my cheeks.

He chuckled and pulled me to him, put his arms around me and rested his chin on the top of my head as I tried to hit him.

He held me to him too tightly to put up much of a fight. “Oh
Älskling. Where did you hear that?”

He tensed in his arms. “One of the ninjas from your school.”

He laughed again and swayed.

I didn’t like his laughter, but I liked the sway, so I let him continue. “Is it not true?”

He cupped the back of my head and rubbed. “No, it can be. I don’t think I was going to get quite that rowdy.” He released me, pinched my chin between his thumb and forefinger and smirked at me. “You never know though.”

He took my head in his hands and kissed my forehead, before whispering “I’m sorry.”

Fuck, how those words carry power. Especially when he wasn’t in the wrong.

His phone rang on the desk, and his arms loosened. When he let go I almost fell to the floor.

He crossed back to his chair, checked the phone.

“Who’s that?” I asked. I imagined the auburn girl from the now defunct Boathouse Bakery, and my chest ached.

He smiled. “Evan. He’s been haranguing me to talk to you all morning. I’m telling him you booted my door in like a crazy person.”

I wiped my eyes. “You love it.”