Catching Liam (Good Girls Don't) (12 page)

His eyes flickered to mine briefly when he said the word experience.

“That seems like a waste of time, doesn’t it?” It wasn’t really a question. It was just Tara speaking her mind.

“Mom!”

“No, it’s okay.” Liam gave me a crooked smile. “The more general the coursework, the greater the chance the credits will transfer back to the University of Edinburgh. I knew I wanted to come over here when I started college, so I did more work in my field of study my first two years at university. I should have no problem graduating in four years.”

“And what are you studying, son?” my dad asked.

I relaxed in my chair a little and speared some lettuce onto my fork. My dad was genuinely interested in Liam, unlike Tara.

“I’d like to be an oceanographer. It’s one of the reasons I chose Olympic State.”

“He volunteers at the aquarium downtown,” I jumped in.

“Just for fun. It’s not really related to my field of interest,” Liam said, looking slightly abashed.

“Which is?” Tara asked. I knew for a fact that my mother cared as little about oceanography as she did sports, but that wasn’t going to stop her from trying to pin Liam down.

“Climate change,” he said, without skipping a beat.

“Are you one of those Green Peace types?”

“I believe in green and peace,” he answered, still smiling. I wondered how long it would be before that smile slid off his face.

“As do you, Mom,” I said in a warning tone.

“Well.” Tara reached for her wine glass and took a slow sip of it. “At least,
you
have a major. Jillian is totally aimless. You might as well stick her in one of your boats and put her out to sea.”

The smile disappeared from Liam’s face, and I saw his jaw clench.

I was so embarrassed that I didn’t know what to say. “I’m narrowing down a major. I don’t want to make a mistake.”

“The mistake was sending you to college in the first place, Jillian. For which I take responsibility,” Tara pressed her hand to her chest as though this great
responsibility
might be the death of her.

“Mom,” I said. “I was going to talk with you about this later. I’ve had some great classes so far this year.”

“She’s doing really well in our communications class,” Liam spoke up.

“One class isn’t a future,” Tara said. Beside her, my dad fidgeted with his napkin and turned his attention to the game. I could always count on him to ignore Tara’s barbs.

“One class can be enough to show you what you want to do. I took a biology class in secondary school, and we visited an oceanography lab. That’s all it took for me.” Liam’s voice was calm and steady, but his jaw was still tense as he spoke. He wasn’t going to allow Tara to belittle me, but, unlike when I defended myself, he was countering her with logic.

“Jillian was never academically-minded and then when she—”

I stood up so quickly that my chair clattered to the floor behind me before she could spill my biggest secret to Liam. “Excuse me,” I said, choking back a sob. I darted out of the restaurant and into the lounge, grateful to see that it was empty. Everyone else in the Alumni Club was busy watching the game. They didn’t have horrible mothers berating them in front of their boyfriends.

I found a corner near the ladies room and tucked myself into it, letting the tears roll freely. I liked that Liam had a plan. He was amazing at the aquarium. I thought it made him a more interesting boyfriend. But Tara had succeeded in reminding me that I didn’t share that same ambition or depth. That was how she operated: suck all joy from Jillian’s life.

“Hey.” Liam appeared next to me and wrapped an arm around me. I cried into his shoulder, afraid to face him, scared that he saw what my mother had been trying to show him about me. Because part of me knew she was right.

chapter nineteen

“I hope you won’t be offended by this, but your mother is a bitch.”

I nodded, my face still pressed against his shirt.

“It’s okay that you don’t know what you want to do yet,” he whispered. “Three of my older sisters went to university and declared fields because they had to. Not one of them is in a job she likes.”

That made me feel better, and then worse at the same time. Apparently I was in a no-win situation. If I chose a major, I could be unhappy, but if I didn’t, Tara would drive me crazy about it. Never mind the fact that I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I pulled back to look at him and saw mascara marks on his shirt.

“Shit,” I said. “C’mom, we need to wash that out.” I dragged him towards the restroom a few feet away.

“I can take care of this, chicken.”

“I can’t go back and face her yet,” I said in a small voice. “Let me help you. It will make me feel less useless.”

Liam caught my face in his hands. “You are not useless.”

The kiss was meant to be sweet, but all the anger and hopelessness rushed away when his lips met mine. His mouth consumed me like a fire growing steadily out of control. I could feel my pain slipping away more and more as we tumbled back against the bathroom door and fell inside. It was mercifully empty.

We kissed like our lives depended on it. Liam’s weight pinned me to the wall, but he kept his hands in my hair or my shoulders while I let mine explore the muscles hidden under his shirt.

“Touch me,” I whispered.

“Jillian.” I could hear the struggle in his voice.

“I need you.”

I pushed him into the empty handicapped stall and drew him towards me. Liam unzipped my hoodie between kisses and pulled the top of my tank top down so he could trail his lips over my breasts. But he didn’t linger there, instead he brought his mouth back up to mine. He brushed some loose hair from my face and kissed me deeply. I reached for the button on his jeans but he backed up a step.

“I need to feel something else,” I told him in a soft voice. “I need to feel wanted.”

“Oh, baby, you are so wanted.” He didn’t need any more encouragement. Liam lifted me in the air, urging my legs around his waist, hiking my jeans skirt up around my hips. It was tricky to maneuver pants and underwear, but then he slipped inside of me, and I gasped at the feeling of wholeness as his warmth filled me.

“I missed this,” I whispered into his ear as I clung to him. “I missed making love to you.

“Jillian,” he breathed as we moved together slowly. “I missed you, too.”

“So the whole taking it slowly thing…” My thought trailed off in a breathless gasp.

“Worst idea ever,” he whispered.

I tucked my face against his neck and held my breath, focusing on being with him. The feel of his hands clutching my hips and his lips resting on my cheek. I needed Liam. I needed all of him. I couldn’t stand to hold myself back when I was with him. My body trembled against his, swelling with anticipated release. It shivered through me as it spread through my limbs and erupted through my veins. I clutched his shoulders, my nails digging through his shirt as I cried out. My name was on his lips moments later, warmth spreading through me.

“We can do this, right?” he said, still pressing me against the wall. “We can make this work?”

“Yes.” I crushed my lips to his. I knew then that I was willing to do whatever it took to make it work with him. Not because of this—not because of sex—because of everything else. Everything came naturally with Liam. For the first time, I had met a man who fit into my life as effortlessly as my best friends.

“We need to go back,” he said in a soft voice. “I know you don’t want to.”

I opened my mouth to tell him that I wanted to go home. I wasn’t about to return to let my mother talk down to me, but the sound of the bathroom door swinging open stopped me from speaking, and we both froze. It wouldn’t take much for someone to spy his legs under the stall.

“Jillian?” My stomach flipped at the sound of my mother’s voice. “Are you in here?”

Liam’s wide-eyed panic mirrored my own. We didn’t move, but then we heard her try to open the stall door.

“I know you’re in there. Stop being a child and come out. Your food is waiting for you,” she ordered. I heard her slump against the door.

I untangled my legs from Liam’s waist and pushed my skirt back down. He stepped to the side, quietly pulling up his pants. But our movement was enough to alert Tara that she wasn’t alone in the bathroom.

“What are you two doing in there?” she hissed.

I took a deep breath and zipped up my hoodie. I turned to check that Liam was decent and he gave me a small, encouraging smile as I went to unlock the door. It looked like he was trying really hard to muster up that smile.

Opening the door, I stepped through and tried to look devil-may-care, but I was pretty sure I failed miserably at looking like I didn’t give a shit what Tara thought. Liam followed me out, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans.

Tara’s eyes narrowed and then widened in realization. “Were you screwing in the bathroom of the Alumni Club?”

I sincerely doubted that Tara would have cared less if she had walked in on us in my bedroom. Tara had drilled the importance of abstinence into me since I got my first period. It was archaic, but despite knowing that, I felt a flush of shame at being caught by her. Not just because it was embarrassing, but also because this would affect how she saw Liam. She would tell my dad and then there would be awkwardness between all four of us. It was small comfort to consider that Liam would be returning to Scotland by the end of the school year.

“We should get back to the table,” Liam suggested. He took my hand gently and pulled me through the bathroom door.

I had no idea how he could be so calm after being walked in on by my mother.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured to him as we walked swiftly toward the dining room.

“Not your fault, chicken. It takes two, you know.”

“No, for how horrible this is going to be be,” I clarified.

“If you’re there, it won’t be horrible. We can tell our grandkids about our crazy antics someday,” he whispered as Tara caught up with us.

I raised an eyebrow to let him know I’d caught the not-too-subtle reference to a future we both knew we could never have. But even as I tried to look annoyed, my heart pounded as though it was more than a meaningless joke.

Don’t be stupid
, I told myself. Liam was leaving, and I wasn’t going to put anyone through a marriage with me, let alone put kids through that. And yet, I had jumped immediately to considering it. This was bad.

We took our places at the table and no one spoke. My dad looked at each of us, but Tara shook her head as if to indicate now was not the time. At least she wasn’t going to ruin our meal. Not that I could eat.

My dad caught Liam up on what he had missed in the game, and they slipped back into easy conversation. Meanwhile Tara glowered at me from across the table. It was almost an improvement from her earlier tongue-lashing. I turned my attention to the field and let my mind wander to thoughts of Liam. I replayed the last few times we’d been together. Not just in bed, but at the aquarium and the exercise we did in Interpersonal Communications earlier this week.

“I know what you’re thinking about,” Tara whispered, her words full of admonishment. “You’re all flushed. Stop it.”

“What’s that, dear?” my dad asked, looking to her.

“Nothing. We’ll discuss it later,” she replied in a clipped tone.

I had hoped for a moment that she might be so shocked by my behavior that she would insist on dropping us off. I could avoid her phone calls for weeks before she’d sick campus security on the case. She might not even bother. I was clearly a lost cause to her physically and maternally. I not only didn’t live up to her expectations, I threw them in her face. Strangely, this didn’t make me want to cry. It made me angry.

She was the one who’d pushed me to the breaking point. I wouldn’t have left if she hadn’t acted like some cracked-out Mommy Dearest. The fury surged inside me, and I clenched my hands into fist, feeling the familiar tingles of stress overtaking my body.

We both stayed silent for the rest of the afternoon. Liam cast worried glances my way, and I did my best to give him reassuring grins, but I knew I wasn’t fooling anyone. Least of all the person I was most intimate with. The game ended in defeat, and the men commiserated with a final beer before my dad called for the check. By that point, I could feel my muscles stiffening from the stress of the afternoon. I needed to get home and away from Tara before things got worse.

When we pulled into my apartment complex, I grabbed Liam’s hand and hauled him toward the stairs to my floor. He stopped and nodded towards my parents. The last thing I felt like doing was saying good-bye, but my dad stopped the car and I watched in horror as they both got out.

“We need to talk,” my mother said in a thin voice.

My heart sank into my stomach. So much for the hope that she would write this off.

They followed us into my apartment. Jess was at the bar studying, and she gave us a huge smile.

“How was the game?” she asked us.

“Great!” my dad said. It was the most enthusiasm he’d shown in the last three years of parents’ weekends, and we hadn’t even won this time.

“Interesting,” I told her in a careful voice. Jess’s face stayed placid, even though I could tell she picked up on the tension in the air. I had never known anyone who could remain as emotionless as she could in any situation.

Tara grabbed my elbow and dragged me toward my room. “I need to talk to you.”

I wanted to tell her that even if we shut the paper-thin door to my room, everyone in the living room was going to be able to hear what we were saying. But now was not a time to be logical with Tara. We were well past that.

Tara slammed the door behind us and rounded on me.

“What the hell do you have to say for yourself?” she demanded.

I paused for a moment to consider the question, but I couldn’t stop myself from saying the first thing that flew into my head. “At least I know why Scottish boys wear kilts.”

“Are you joking with me?” she asked, shock written all over her face. “Are you actually making a dirty joke right now?”

That was exactly what I was doing, but I got the impression that Tara didn’t want to hear that.

“Our family has a reputation to uphold. Your father went to school here, and you are fucking some boy in the bathroom?”

This was more serious than I had realized. Tara dropping the f-bomb was equivalent to a nuclear strike by the President.

“No one saw.” My argument sounded weak, but I knew it was valid point. Tara had no right to judge what Liam and I did behind closed doors—even bathroom stall doors.

“I saw! Good girls don’t act like that, Jillian. Do you think I want to know my sweet baby girl is being screwed by her boyfriend?”

“I’m twenty-one, Mom. I’m hardly your baby girl,” I said as I crossed my arms over my chest.

“You will always be my baby girl.” The words were soft, and I spotted tears sparkling in her eyes.

Confusion churned inside me. Tara wasn’t the sentimental type. She never had been, even when I was a little girl. I has assumed this was about saving face and nothing more.

“Are you even being safe?” she asked. “Never mind the diseases that you probably got from that bathroom stall.”

“That would hardly matter now, wouldn’t it? My body is already fucked up.”

Tara looked like I had slapped in her face. “It does matter. That boy is going back to Scotland, Jillian.
Scotland.
What if you get pregnant?”

“I’m on the pill.”

“Do not roll your eyes at me,” she said, shaking a finger in my face. “The pill? You think that’s enough? I got pregnant on the pill.”

“And we all know what a fucking mistake that was!” I screamed at her. “What a mistake I am!”

“I have never said that to you,” she said.

“You think reminding me every time sex has ever come up between us that you got pregnant on the pill isn’t a pretty clear way of saying that I was a mistake?” I couldn’t believe she didn’t see anything wrong with this fucked-up conversation.

“You haven’t even told him about your condition,” she accused.

“You don’t know that.”

“Do you really think that boy would stick around if he knew you were going to be dependent on him some day?” she asked me, but then her voice softened to flat horror. “Are you trying to get pregnant? Are you trying to trap him?”

Something snapped inside me. I stormed toward the door and flung it open. “Out! Get out of here!”

She knew nothing about me. No one had better indoctrinated me to the catch and release lifestyle than Tara with her constant reminders that no one would ever want me. The message was clear: I was damaged goods. Slightly irregular. If my own mother couldn’t see how anyone could ever want me, what shot did I have at a normal life?

Tara flew through the door after me, and everyone in the living room stilled.

“Ask your daughter—” she spit the word out —“what she was doing in the bathroom!”

My dad shuffled his feet a little and looked over at Liam. “Tara, they’re in college.”

“I cannot believe you are making excuses for her,” she said with an overly dramatic gasp.

“We get it, Mom. I’m a slut.” Jess’s arm wrapped around my waist, but I pushed her away. I was fully in control of this moment. I lifted my arm to point towards the door before I felt the slowness creeping over my legs, but Jess realized immediately and grabbed me by the shoulders as my muscles locked up.

I could see Liam staring at me, a look of horror moving onto his face.

“Leave. Please leave.” I couldn’t move, couldn’t step forward. If Jess hadn’t been holding me, I was pretty sure I would have fallen flat on my face.

Tara appeared with my pills. I wanted to shake my head but I couldn’t without risking my balance. Pills weren’t going to help me though a freezing episode.

“You need to take them,” Jess whispered. “They’ll help you after it passes.”