Censored by Confucius (18 page)

Little Mischief

One of the young servants of the Yongzhou magistrate, Mr. En, was a mischievous, cheeky sort of lad who came to be nicknamed Little Mischief. His sole duty was to keep the magistrate's study clean and tidy.

One night he happened to notice a bright light glowing near the eaves. On closer inspection he discovered to his great surprise that the light was produced by a single tiny firefly.

Later that hot summer's evening while he was stretched out naked in bed, he felt something crawling and scratching around his groin. He felt around and discovered that it was the exceptionally bright firefly he'd seen earlier in the evening.

"My penis must be something marvelous! Even this little insect can't resist it!" He laughed to himself, then rolled over and went to sleep.

It wasn't too long before the boy was roused from his slumber by a soft, delicate hand gently plying his penis. The hand stroked firmly up and down and every now and then pushed gently at the tip. He tried to move but found himself paralyzed. Before he knew it, a woman's body had pressed down on him and he was having intercourse. After what seemed like quite a long time, Little Mischief ejaculated and fell into a deep sleep.

The next morning he woke exhausted. All the same, he relished his night of pleasure. Hoping the experience would be repeated, he kept it to himself.

That evening he took special pains to wash himself and then jumped eagerly into bed, once again completely naked.

Around the second watch the firefly began to glow, but this time more strongly than before. In the dim light it cast, Little Mischief could see a beautiful woman slowly approaching him. He was ecstatic and walked over to embrace her. The two lovers then fell onto the bed to relive the previous night's pleasures.

Later, Little Mischief asked her name and she replied, "My name is Miss Yao. My father used to be a magistrate here, so this magistry was my old home. Unfortunately, when I was only eighteen I fell in love. But the romance turned sour and I pined away and died. Pear blossoms were my favorite flower, so I asked my mother to bury me beneath the pear tree just outside. When I saw you, so young and virile, I couldn't resist."

Little Mischief listened to this lengthy reply with growing trepidation. When it finally dawned on him that he was sleeping with a ghost, he picked up his pillow, tossed it at the woman, and ran out shouting, screaming, and banging on doors.

Thinking there must be a fire or some other dreadful calamity, everyone ran out, only to stop in their tracks at the sight of the naked Little Mischief. The women weren't at all sure whether to continue to evacuate their rooms or to run back inside to hide their embarrassment.

Eventually the master emerged and in rather impatient tones demanded an explanation for the disturbance.

Little Mischief rattled off his tale without omission or exaggeration. He was advised to rub himself with cinnabar to ward off the ghost, and as an extra precaution he was told to put his pants back on.

The next day the magistry people dug up the ground that the foot of the pear tree. Surely enough, at its base they found a coffin. They opened it to discover the fully preserved body of a beautiful young woman. They resolved to burn the coffin and rebury the ashes.

From this day on, Little Mischief lost his mischievous, cheeky manner and became an honest, hardworking servant.

His colleagues teased him, saying, "Little Mischief has had all the mischief knocked out of him. Your type should be introduced to ghosts more often!"

Commander Wang

The military commander of Shandong's Jining region was a man by the name of Wang. One night he dreamed that the famous general Zhou Chang of the Guandi temple at the southern gate said to him, "If you renovate the Guandi temple you will receive five thousand caddies filled with gold."

Wang, of course, was not at all inclined to believe in such a dream, but the next night he had a similar dream.

This time he was visited by the great general Guan Ping, who said, "Zhou Chang is one of us. More important, he is one of the most honest people you will ever meet, so you shouldn't doubt his words.

"The five thousand caddies of gold that he promised are waiting for you under the statue's incense altar. If you come tonight while it's dark, you'll be able to pick up all five thousand."

Naturally, Wang was extremely excited at this news. At the same time, he was quite scared at the thought of dealing with such powerful spirits. He ran through the situation in his mind. "If there really is gold hidden under the altar, then maybe I should go and claim it as my own."

Thus resolved, he called his son to accompany him, took some sacks in which to carry the treasures home, and set off for the temple. Arriving nearly at dawn, they saw a black fox sleeping at the foot of the altar. Its slumber disturbed the fox looked up at them with piercing eyes that glittered like gold.

Commander Wang then understood his mission. "Guandi has ordered me to expurgate this demon!"

So, with the help of his son, he bound the fox with rope, stuffed it in a sack, and proceeded home.

Along the way a voice came from within the sack: "I am an immortal fox and yesterday I got drunk and accidentally vomited all over Guandi's temple. In his anger he called you in a dream to come and get
rid of me, but I regret my crime—it was only a temporary lapse.

"As you can see, I have been vigilant in cultivating myself for more than a thousand years, so won't you please let me out of this sack? I would make it worth your effort."

Wang asked in jest what benefit he could possibly gain, and the fox replied, "You will receive five thousand caddies of gold by your next birthday."

From this reply Wang realized that the promise made to him by the two great generals, Zhou Chang and Guan Ping, was to be fulfilled, so he immediately released the fox.

It leaped to the ground and instantly transformed into a white-haired old man. The man wore a scarf around his neck that fluttered out on either side, his speech was gentle, and he had a sophisticated air. All in all, the old man appeared both refined and friendly.

Back home, Wang prepared a feast in the old man's honor and the two chatted on and on about the state of the world and what it was all coming to. Near the end of the conversation Wang asked how a humble regional commander such as himself could possibly be given five thousand caddies of gold.

The fox replied, "There are numerous extremely wealthy people in Jining, and each is more evil and immoral than the next. I'll choose a few of the worst offenders and start a campaign of terror to scare them—throwing bricks around, smashing their roof tiles, and the like.

"For good measure, I'll give them all a dose of fever and headaches. They'll soon call up a few mystical Daoists and exorcists for protective charms and incantations.

"Now this is where you come in. I want you to go to their houses and tell them that you'll rid them of the demons with some of your own protective charms.

"Write a few silly characters on some paper, then burn it and toss it into the air. That will be the sign for me to move on to someone else's house. We'll repeat the process for the next month and watch as the gold caddies sent by your grateful neighbors pile up .

"Just be warned, though—once you've reached five thousand caddies you must stop, because after all you are only a regional commander. Once my debt to you has been repaid you'll not see me again."

Sure enough, several families in Jining City were terrorized by a supernatural force. It seemed as if there would be no end to the chaos.
However, just when the afflicted families were at their wits' end Commander Wang would roll up, perform his rituals, and the chaos would instantly cease.

After the month was out he had indeed accumulated five thousand caddies of gold. Two hundred of these he put towards renovating the Guandi temple, taking special care to make offerings to Generals Zhou and Guan.

He then put in a request for early retirement on the grounds that his health was failing. This was duly g
ranted and he returned to his native village. To this day, Commander Wang lives a prosperous and peaceful life.

The Sea Monster of Jiangxi

A Jiangxi man by the name of Xu Hanfu tells the story of a local fisherman who trapped fish and turtles by chanting incantations over the water.

He would walk towards the water's edge chanting his mysterious incantations, and lo and behold, the waves would rise up and dump the sea creatures onto the shore. The fisherman would then stroll along picking and choosing which of the creatures he wanted to take home that day. He was careful to take only what was needed for his own consumption.

One day, just as he was about to begin his incantations at a huge lake, a creature suddenly rose from the water. It was the size of a rhesus monkey and had eyes of gold and claws of jade, and from its mouth protruded large fangs. It moved aggressively towards the fisherman and made as if to grab him. In response he covered his head with his pants. The sea monster then jumped onto the poor fisherman's shoulders and proceeded to scratch and claw at his trousered head. Eventually the fisherman fainted and fell to the ground, blood gushing from his head.

When the other people on the shore realized what was happening, they rushed over to help. At the sight of this crowd descending upon him, the sea monster cawed like a crow, jumped ten feet into the air, and made off into the sea. The people weren't keen to chase this ferocious monster, so they gave the wounded fisherman all their attention.

When he regained consciousness he explained the sea monster's attack. "This sea monster regards all the fish and turtles of the lake as his own sons and grandsons. As I have eaten his offspring, he has come to take revenge. As you can see, it has extremely sharp claws. It uses these claws to smash the skull of its prey, and that's why I put my trousers over my head.

"If you don't cover your head it will certainly kill you. In any event, I must thank you all for your help."

The Sparrows Repay a Debt of Kindness

There once lived a man by the name of Zhou Zhixiang. Zhou loathed seeing caged animals, and whenever he got the chance he would release them. He had a special affection for sparrows and would often put grain along the eaves of his roof to feed them.

When he was only middle-aged he lost his sight, but this didn't prevent him from continuing to feed the sparrows as before. Then one day, Zhou suddenly died.

His distraught family kept a constant vigil by his body because his heart and head still felt warm to the touch. After four days and four nights Zhou regained consciousness and told his anxious family the following tale.

"It was dusk and I found myself walking out of the house towards a field all on my own. There was absolutely nobody around. I remember being scared, so I quickened my pace, and after walking dozens of miles, I reached the outskirts of a city. Once again the place was completely desolate and not a light could be seen from any of the windows.

"Out of the gloom came an old man, leaning heavily on a walking stick. I recognized him as my old, dead father and I knelt down before him and cried.

"Father asked me, 'Who sent you here?'

"I replied, 'I lost my way and happened to end up here.'

"Father then gave the cryptic reply 'Oh well, so be it.'

"He led me farther into the city and we walked until we reached a government building. An old man dressed in the Daoist style, complete with head scarf, walked out to greet us, and as he came closer I realized that it was my grandfather.

"When he recognized me, he looked quite alarmed and he proceeded to reprimand father: 'How can you be so stupid! Bringing your own son to a place like this!' He promptly sent father away.

"Next thing I knew, Grandfather had taken my hand and was leading me down the street.

"Suddenly two fierce-looking prison officers appeared and shouted at us in a most terrifying manner: 'Once you've come here, you can never go back!'

"They made as if to grab me and Grandfather tried to fight them off. Then all of a sudden, millions of sparrows descended upon us from the west. They set about pecking the two prison officers, who quickly fled in terror.

"Grandfather and I continued our journey with the sparrows accompanying us all the way, forming a protective barrier. After we had walked several dozen miles Grandfather suddenly whacked me on the back with his cane and said, 'You're home now,' and the next thing I knew, I was back here. It was like waking from a dream."

Old Zhou regained his sight after this extraordinary journey and has kept in perfect health right up to this day.

Quan Gu

On Dang Mountain there was a teahouse run by a beautiful young woman called Quan Gu. Her skin was fair and she was lithe and slender.

When she was nineteen she had an affair with her neighbor, an equally handsome young man by the name of Chen. Some local hooligans happened to discover their illicit affair and threatened to expose it.

Chen was from a wealthy family and he gave them a hundred gold pieces to keep the affair a secret. Somehow the officers at the magistry got wind of the deal and decided they'd take a cut.

Having the money in their hands, these hooligans weren't happy to part with any of it. A fight ensued and they were arrested and imprisoned. Chen and Quan's affair was exposed.

The head magistrate regarded himself as a proud neo-Confucian who maintained a strict moral order among the populace. He promptly ordered that Chen be given forty strokes of the cane. When Quan heard the verdict she cried and wailed, begging the magistrate to show mercy. She lay on Chen's outstretched body declaring that she would take the beating in his place.

The magistrate was scandalized by her reaction. Deeming Quan to be a shameless woman, he ordered that she also be given forty strokes.

The officers charged with administering her punishment had been slipped some money by Chen and decided to go easy on her. In any case they were reluctant to beat Quan's soft, supple, tender flesh. So while they did perform the caning, they applied very little strength in their strokes.

Unfortunately, the magistrate's anger was not slaked by the beatings and so he ordered that her hair be cut and her tiny slippers be removed from her bound feet and placed on his bench. Everyone in the courtroom who so desired was allowed to fondle the slippers, by way of warning to others. Eventually, the shoes were locked in the officer's safe. The magistrate then put Quan up for sale as a concubine and
declared the case closed. His logic was that such a humiliating punishment would be a lesson to everyone in the prefecture.