Certainty (22 page)

He was thoughtful, his face somewhere between a scowl and frown. “I don’t know…sort of. We’ve all kind of felt that way. Maybe his is deeper. And he’s been there longer.”

We walked the rest of the way to school, thinking and talking in bits and pieces. We walked in to the attendance office together, but not holding hands. We didn’t want it to look like we were late on purpose just so we could hang out. Mrs.-TH Haggerty narrowed her eyes suspiciously at us, but she always looked like she’d been sucking on a lemon. I didn’t care. Her irritation didn’t matter.

“I missed homeroom,” I told Ren. “It’s the only class I have with him.”

“We’ll find a way to talk to him,” he promised me, his eyes distant.

Kyle was heading for disaster and Ren and I were watching every minute of it. I didn’t have Ren’s gift, but even I could feel that we were running out of time.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Kyle

I stepped onto the bus, finding my usual seat. I missed driving to school, but after the accident they took my license away. I’d driven illegally a few times, once to see Derek at the hospital and a couple of times to Noah’s. No one seemed to realize I wasn’t allowed to drive. It made me feel even more like a ghost when I could get away with things like that.

It was gray today, and cold. I should have gone to the dance Saturday. That wasn’t too smart. I didn’t want anyone to start noticing I was slowly losing my mind. Slowly? It was already gone.

I had my earphones in but I wasn’t listening to music. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Most of the time I couldn’t wait until I was alone in my room and I could just drift off. Thinking about reasons to kill myself or ways to do it. It was sick. I guess.
             

It didn’t feel sick anymore. They were my thoughts. No one could tell me what to think—that was all my own. It probably wasn’t normal. What is normal? I didn’t understand people that did their homework and went to football games and cared about stupid things like who was wearing what or who anyone was going out with.

The window was dirty and some of the gray stuff around the glass was peeling. Everything was so ugly. Ugly green seats, ugly smells...it all sucked.

What was keeping me here? No one would really notice if I wasn’t here. There’d be some lame drama where girls would act like they were my best friends so everyone would feel bad for them. And they’d have counselors in case anyone was traumatized. Right. My parents might feel guilty. They’d get over it. They weren’t that worried about me right now. Okay, they were, but they’d still get over it.

Did I want anyone to care? Why wonder what would happen if I was dead…why take the time to imagine what people would say? I wanted them to care and I didn’t. Or didn’t believe anyone did.

Only one person seemed to really know I wasn’t right, and I barely knew him. Ren had looked at me when I shot myself with the paint gun. I couldn’t get past the feeling that he knew about me, about what I wanted to do. How did he know? Did it matter? Not really.

I walked past my locker. I should pick up my books, but why? I didn’t care about school anymore. MacKenzie wasn’t in homeroom. Maybe Derek had taken a turn for the worse. God, please no. If he died I wasn’t going to wait. I should do it before it happened. That way I would never know. I didn’t want to know, ever.

I saw her in the hallway and she caught my eye but I turned away. So she was here, and that meant Derek was the same. She wouldn’t be in school if he’d…died. Good. I could still do it. I could still leave before she lost Derek.

Tonight. My parents wouldn’t be home. I could start the car in the garage, with the door closed. Done.

A huge weight lifted off me. Everything was going to be all right. No more pretending. Noah was yelling my name from too far down the hall. It was easy to act like I was happy. I was. Finally.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Ren

“Do something.”

I closed my eyes. I couldn’t believe he was here…in the middle of History. I’d been shutting out
Yurei
all day, concentrating on Kyle. Maybe that was why his
Yurei
found me? No one else could hear him, I was sure, but I couldn’t answer him.

Finally I looked up at him. I mouthed,
I know.

He knelt down, his distinguished features urgent.
No. I won’t be here after tomorrow morning
.

My skin prickled and I looked away. I needed more time. What was I going to do? The teacher was writing something on the whiteboard. I bent down and scribbled on my note paper.

Tell me what to say to him.

I’ll try. But you need to talk to him now.

I sat back in my chair and sighed. A little too loudly because Ms. Cubber asked if something was wrong, her eyebrow raised and her lips pursed.

“No, sorry,” I said.

“Am I boring you?”

“No.” Actually, yes, but I was enjoying the boredom right now. She was going to retire in five years and she and her husband would move to Colorado to be nearer their grandchildren. Her
Yurei
was dull and comforting, fading politely away almost instantly when I first met her. I hadn’t seen her
Yurei
since. Most of the time I only saw an
Yurei
once. Except for Kyle’s, which had turned into some kind of haunting ghost. I didn’t blame him.

She was discussing the death of Charlemagne and the fighting between his sons. I had missed all the stuff about Charlemagne and why he was important. I flipped through the last chapter in my book as she talked.

Class ended and I did something I’d never done before…I mentally asked for an
Yurei
. Kyle’s
Yurei
reappeared.

“Where is he right now?” I asked.

Lockers were slammed shut and it got noisy as all the classes came out into the hall, but I could hear him clearly. “
Upstairs
.”

That was convenient. Right next to Spanish, where I needed to go anyway. On the way upstairs I saw MacKenzie. She didn’t see me at first because she was looking down at the ground, frowning. She was wearing a pink hoodie that made her eyes a bright, beautiful blue. I hadn’t seen the hoodie before because she was wearing some kind of parka this morning. I should get one of those. Maybe I wouldn’t be so cold on the way to school.

I grabbed her waist from behind. “Hey,” I said. Her hair smelled good.

She smiled at me, the sadness disappearing instantly. Oh the power of Me.
             

“Hey,” she said.

“I’m going to go talk to Noah and Kyle for a minute, okay? I’ll meet you back in class.”

She glanced over at them, lingering on Kyle. “Okay. Good  luck.”

Kyle was leaning against the locker, slightly taller than Noah, who was waving around some markers. Kyle grabbed one of them. “Dude, I do not want you to write on my posters. Not even your mom can read your writing. It sucks.”

“Yours is worse,” Noah said, unoffended.

“That’s not possible.”  Kyle was smirking, rolling the marker between his fingers as he argued, his back still leaning against the lockers. He didn’t seem at all depressed. Actually, he was pretty happy. That was weird.

“I’m just saying we need to get them up sometime soon,” Noah said. “They’re voting in two weeks.”

“Relax. I’ve got it, Mr. President.”

Noah turned to me, his lean face not even remotely relaxed. “I don’t believe him.”

“Don’t look at me,” I protested.

Kyle narrowed his eyes at me. “Hey, Ren writes like a girl. He could do a couple.”

I laughed out loud. “I don’t write like a girl. It’s just that when I write the alphabet you can tell what it is.”

Kyle and Noah looked at each other. “He writes like a girl,” Kyle repeated.

“Do some posters for me,” Noah said, offering me a marker.

“Sure. What do you want me to write? Vote for Noah…” I paused. I’d forgotten his last name.

Kyle laughed. “He doesn’t know your last name!”

“Yeah well, he probably doesn’t know mine either,” I defended myself.

“Tanaka,” Noah answered, smirking at me.

“It’s not important,” I said.

The halls were beginning to empty. “Got ta go.” Kyle said, jumping away from the lockers.

“Do some posters tonight!” Noah yelled after him. He turned to me and muttered, “I bet he does two.”

We made it back to class, barely on time. I put my hands on MacKenzie’s shoulders as I sat down behind her. She turned, her face questioning.

“He seems fine,” I explained, bewildered. What was his
Yurei
talking about? Kyle actually seemed better, not worse.

“That’s good,” she said.

“No. It’s wrong.” I explained what his
Yurei
had told me this morning in history.

“I don’t get it.”

“Yeah, I know.”

No matter how I thought about it, nothing added up. I couldn’t figure it out. The creepy, strange Kyle from our paintball round was gone. He was healthy, all of a sudden. It didn’t make sense.

I knew one thing for certain, though.
Yurei
couldn’t lie. They were what they were—mirrors of the future.

The rain poured down outside the school windows as I racked my brains the rest of the afternoon. I finally decided I was going to need Noah’s help. I would have to tell him that I thought Kyle was in trouble and we needed to see him this afternoon. Kyle wouldn’t think a visit from Noah was too odd…although I didn’t know how tight they were as friends. I could use a little advice from Noah’s
Yurei
…an amazing guy, really.

I concentrated on  Noah and what his
Yurei
had been like. “Hey,” I said aloud, standing in the hall right before the last class of the day.

Hey.
It was Noah’s voice, just deeper.

I turned around and he stood there…tanned, the same brilliant green eyes and patient, calm expression. As if he were expecting me. How smart was he, anyway? He was intimidating.

“I need help with Kyle.”

I’m not sure what I can do.

“I’m desperate. I don’t know what to say.”

We’re talking about preventing a teen suicide, right?

A teen suicide? He was acting like Kyle was some kind of specimen. “Yeah. A teen suicide.” I didn’t know if he caught my sarcasm.

I’m sorry if I’m out of touch. I’m doing my best. In my life, Kyle did actually succeed in killing himself, but if there’s a chance we can change that, I’ll help.

That shocked me. Were the
Yurei
living different futures? Was Kyle’s
Yurei
real?

I asked, “Will Noah go see him this afternoon?” I was asking him about a change in the future; would he know what would happen if I changed it?

The older Noah raised his eyebrows.
Well, if he believes you then yes, definitely.

“Is there anything else you can tell me that might help? I mean, as an older person?”

He didn’t laugh at my question.
Yes. Don’t give up. Ever.

“On Kyle?”

On anything worthwhile
.

He faded after that little bit of fortune cookie advice, leaving me alone in the hallway, a few loose pieces of paper floating around and the rain beating down on the roof above.

I walked in late to class and got a detention. I tucked the yellow slip in my pocket. My parents would be thrilled.

We watched a movie, the darkened room serving as a perfect atmosphere for my thoughts.

All day classes had been getting in the way of what I really wanted to do. Conversations I needed to have, answers I was looking for, all rushed and crushed into three minute spaces. The clock moved so slowly… finally it reached 2:30 and I left my seat. I was almost the first one out the door. Luckily my detention was for tomorrow. Okay, where was Noah…he drove home so he probably wasn’t in a big hurry.

I found him at his locker with Katie. She was piling books into his hands, her pony tail bobbing as she bent dow
n and stood up.  “I think I’ve
got one more book.” The tower reached to his chin. He looked over at me.

“She needs them all.”

She put the last book on the stack, which went up to his nose. “I’m cleaning out my locker. I wanted to see what’s on the bottom.”

Noah smiled at me, a faint mimic of the patient expression on his
Yurei
that startled me.