Certainty (17 page)

Every time I saw Kyle in the hall I saw a blank page.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

MacKenzie

“Honey, I’m so sorry we forgot about Homecoming,” Mom said. We were driving home from visiting Derek when she interrupted my thoughts about Kyle. She had the worry wrinkle in the middle of her forehead.

“Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal,” I said. Besides, I had imagined myself in the black and white dress Katie was wearing. I didn’t even know what I wanted to wear any more.

“No, it’s important that you go,” Dad said, glancing away from the road for a moment. His square, manly, don’t-mess-with-me jaw was firm but his forehead creased up like a Shar-Pei puppy.

“Uh, I don’t know how I could do that. It’s tomorrow night and I don’t have a dress. I wouldn’t worry about it.”

The truth is I wanted to go but I felt selfish for thinking about a dance when Derek was in a coma, for crying out loud. What was wrong with me?

“If we can find some time to get a dress tomorrow morning, will you go?” Mom asked in her coaxing voice.

I tried not to sound too excited in case it didn’t work out. “Sure.”

“Good. We’ll go as soon as the mall opens.”

The thought of dancing with Ren took over my guilt. I wonder if he would be pleased that I was going. I hoped so.

I texted Katie and Ren as soon as we got home.
I can go to the dance

Ren answered first.
You just made my day. I’ll call you later.

I was still waiting for Katie’s reply when he called my cell.

“Hey,” he said. His voice was low, like he had been sleeping, and it sent a thrill through me.

“Hey,” I answered.

“So you can come tomorrow night? That’s really good news. How is Derek?”

“He’s…the same. I’m getting better at talking to him.”

“That’s good.”

“Kyle came to visit him.”

There was a pause and he answered, “Really? How did it go?”

“Okay. He cried—he’s really upset about what happened. I feel bad for him.”

“Yeah, it’s got to be hard.”

“I saw him in homeroom this morning. He doesn’t look like himself.”

“Like how?” His question was quiet.

“He’s washed-out or something. Sad.”

“Hmmm. That’s not good.”

“I know.”

“How was he after the visit?” he asked.

I thought about it before I answered. I was hoping for some emotional moment when Kyle would realize it wasn’t his fault, but when he left the hospital I knew that hadn’t happened.

“I thought it would help, but I don’t know.”

“You never know. Maybe it made a difference.”

“Yeah, I hope so. Maybe he can talk to Noah. They’re good friends, I think.”

“I’m supposed to see Noah tomorrow. We’re playing some paintball at his house. I’ll ask about Kyle. He might even be there.”

I remembered playing paintball there once, when Noah first came. He invited me because of Katie, I was sure.

“That’s good.”

I suddenly realized I didn’t know how I was getting to the dance. “How are you getting to the dance?”

“Noriko’s brother is going to take us. It’s going to be his date and the rest of us. His car only seats five, though.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said, masking my disappointment. “I can meet you guys there. At least I can go.”

“Well, I want to go with you.”

I bit my lip and grinned, even though he couldn’t see me. “That’s sweet of you.”

“Yeah, it is.”

I laughed at him. We agreed to catch up with each other later after he knew more and then he said goodnight. His soft “goodnight” echoed in my head long after I closed my eyes, smiling.

I didn’t see Katie’s reply until morning.
Thats so great. Noah has his license we can meet you at the dance

When did Noah get his license? That was a big deal. I sent a text, hoping she was awake.
Im gettng my dress today

She answered me back immediately.

Send me a pic!

Okay.

As my mom drove us to the mall there was a strange sense of déjà vu. This is what we were doing a week ago. I wondered if my mom felt it too. The sun was shining in through the windows, warm even though it was cold outside. She turned on the radio and we sang along until she cracked on a high note and we both laughed. I realized that even though we were both sad because Derek was always in the back of our minds, the world was still turning.

Walking through the mall I tried to focus on my dress and not what happened the last time we were here.

There were so many dresses and I didn’t want any of them. They looked too eighth grade…even the black and white one I had liked so much.

I found a black one without any lace, crinoline in the skirt or anything. It clung to me, a simple black sheath with a strap that wrapped around my neck. It was plain and somehow matched my different mood. I wasn’t the same person who had wanted to sparkle last Saturday. I stared back at myself in the mirror. I was thin but with curves and this dress draped from my body in all the right places. My eyes were very blue today, and serious. I was pleased with what I saw.

I stepped out and my mom did the clasping-hands-to-the-chest thing, her mouth in an “oh” of surprise.

“You’re beautiful,” she said. She made me turn around, her eyes appraising me. “Really, honey. I’ve got a drop-dead daughter.”

That made me smile. “Thanks, Mom.”

We found a little bolero sweater to go with the dress. I couldn’t send Katie a picture because I forgot to take one while it was still on me. I texted her anyway and sent a picture of it in the bag, which earned me an LOL.

On the way home I looked out the window and wondered again if it was okay to be excited about the dance. Derek was locked in a place none of us could reach, and the world kept going—for better or for worse. If I was miserable would it help? I didn’t know. Right now nothing we felt seemed to matter for him, because it was out of our hands.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Kyle

No one was home. Again. My parents hated each other, so they didn’t like to be home at the same time. The house felt septic, wiped clean of any human beings in it. There was just furniture and swept out closets. The “for sale” sign out in the yard stood like a white, crooked cross.

No one was scheduled to look at the house today so I could have food in my bedroom and not worry about cleaning it up right away. I was tidy even when I didn’t need to be, though. Part of being an only child, I guess. I made a sandwich but I didn’t feel like eating it.

I cranked up my music as I lay on my bed with my earphones on. I was supposed to go to Noah’s today but I didn’t want to. Staring up at the ceiling wasn’t exactly doing something, but I didn’t care. I was always so tired. I closed my eyes, even though the blinds were drawn and it was dark in my room.

No one would care if I didn’t show up. That went for everything. School. Noah’s. Here. I could not exist and it wouldn’t matter.

Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Oh God, I was thinking about it. There was so much blood. It was red and dark, seeping out of his head in the street. His eyes were closed and I thought he was dead.

When I saw him lying in the hospital bed, it was like I’d hit him again. He had tubes going into his body to keep him alive, pulling out fluids or pushing them in, needles taped to his pale wrists. MacKenzie said she talked to him as if he could hear, but it was like the time I went to my uncle’s funeral. I was supposed to stand over his coffin and say goodbye. The guy was dead. He couldn’t hear anything. Neither could Derek.

 
I was surprised when MacKenzie held my hand during homeroom yesterday. She was so ridiculously pure. It was so unexpected she almost broke the dam I’ve been keeping up.
 

I just want to be numb. In my mind I’m in a room without any doors or windows and no one can touch me. I know other people are there, but I don’t feel them. I didn’t feel anything. Nothing mattered. They wanted me to go to a counselor or a psych. Whatever. What would that do?

Would that make my parents stop hating each other and putting me in the middle all the time? They wanted me to choose who to live with. My mom was sleeping with some guy at work, which made me want to puke. She denied it, but I’m not stupid. I read her text messages once. I even knew his name.

My dad said he wanted me to live with him but he’s never home. He was in Germany this weekend.

I’ve been pretending for a long time. Since last year. Pretending that I was fine, school was fine, life was fine. Divorce is fine. I’m just changing my address. Right.

Then it wasn’t fine. I couldn’t make Derek okay. I couldn’t fix that or pretend it wasn’t a big deal. My friends at school felt sorry for me and the teachers acted like I was going to break in half. How was I supposed to play the part of the normal kid when it wasn’t normal anymore? It was like standing on the stage as the backdrops fell over and the audience realizes the play is crap and so is the actor.

God, please make it stop. Razor blades? Could I cut deep enough? The car in the garage? Sleeping pills? What if it didn’t work? I didn’t have a gun. That would be quick, but I didn’t want my parents to clean up the mess.

Am I crazy? No one thinks about this. I’m a psycho. Screwed up and bent and damaged and I kill people. I didn’t mean to. It didn’t matter, though. I’d done it. Shut up. Make it stop.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Ren

My mom dropped me off at Noah’s house and I waved goodbye to the twins. They barely noticed. They were going out for lunch and then the park. Their little ponytails bobbed out of sight as my Mom drove away.

Noah’s house was smaller than I expected. He’s kind of a larger than life person, but his house was barely big enough to fit him and his three sisters and two brothers. I knocked on the door and a little boy answered it. He had a round face, not as narrow as Noah’s, but I knew they were brothers because of the startling, light green eyes and the olive skin. He was a serious little guy, running away from me without a word. I waited, knowing that he was probably telling someone a stranger was at the door. It’s what my sisters would have done.

Noah came to the door with two little girls peeking out from behind him.

“Hey man, come on in.”

We went straight to the kitchen. On our way Noah put his hands on his sisters’ heads and they giggled, staring at me. His mom was round and smiling, her cheeks rosy as she cooked over the stove. Her eyes were the same green. Her
Yurei
looked up at me briefly, and then winked away, as cheerful as her present self. Her tragedy would come in only a few years but she was not sad about it.

“Hi Ren. We’ve got some snacks in the oven. They’ll be out in a minute.”

The kitchen was warm and a small window over the sink was open to air it out. The smell of pizza wafted through the air.

Noah opened the oven door. “Five more minutes, right?” he asked her.

“Ten,” she said.

“Great. Come in the garage.”

He led me out to the garage, which was musty smelling and crowded with tools and odd boxes piled up on the walls.

“I’ve got four guns—have you ever played paintball before?”

“Yes. It hurts. So don’t shoot me at close range.”

He grinned. “Right.”

His pants were already paint smattered and his t-shirt was nearly the same. I was wearing a pair of old shorts and a t-shirt.

We loaded the guns and put on helmets and some chest protectors. I wondered how many times I was going to get shot. I wasn’t that good. And where was Kyle?

“Is Kyle coming?” I asked.

Noah shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s been kind of sketchy lately. Sometimes he comes and sometimes he doesn’t.”

I wanted to tell him that his friend was in trouble, but there was no way to do that without sounding odd. Once again I would have to keep a secret I didn’t want to and probably shouldn’t. The funny part is that the future Noah wouldn’t need me to tell him.

Noah's
Yurei
awed me, and I almost felt sorry for him, even now in the present before he was going to lose everyone. A few years from now Noah was going
to lose his mother and his sister
in an accident. It would change him forever from the arrogant guy he was now to someone who suffered and rose above it. He would find his calling as a
teacher.

The Noah today cocked his paintball gun and grinned at me. I was in for a long afternoon, unless I got good at dodging paintballs.