Chasing Before (12 page)

I materialize a cloth and wipe the blood from his arm. “I’m so sorry.” I can’t believe Kiara is gone. She was strong. I could never thank her enough for saving Neil’s life. Was there something I could have done to save hers?

I shiver. Standing up, I survey this section of the fair. The healers’ booth is not only at the very edge, but there are several empty booths between it and the next closest, a poorly constructed hovel occupied only by the caretaker representative that we talked to a few moments ago. Now he lies in a green hammock, his attention elsewhere.

Kiara said they didn’t get many visitors down this way, and she wasn’t kidding. When did the attack happen? Most people would fade out rather quickly if they had injuries as serious as Kiara’s, but Kiara was a powerful
healer. She might have been able to hold out for hours.

“The Morati killed them. We have to tell Libby about this.” Neil gestures wildly at the red blanket, now stained dark. “They specifically targeted the healers. You know what that means.”

I do. It means Level Three is even more dangerous for everyone now. Without the healers, we’re more vulnerable than before. Maybe it means the Morati are planning large-scale attacks. The Morati’s ultimate goal is to ascend all the way to heaven, but how does weakening the people here help them do that? Julian might know.

I should have told Libby about Julian’s visit. It’s not that I think he did this, but he is still Morati. I’ve protected him because of our bargain, and because I care about him more than I dare to admit. But now that all our lives hang in the balance, I can’t rationalize keeping his presence here a secret.

If he’s truly innocent, if he works with Libby and Furukama and helps them as much as he can, they’ll have to treat him fairly. They wouldn’t expose him to brimstone and make him sick. Maybe once they capture the Morati, they’ll also let me question them about my stolen memories.

But considering Libby’s insistence on detachment, I’m deluding myself if I think for a second that they would allow me any access at all. It comes down to a choice: a chance to view my memories or a chance for everyone’s safety. Obviously, the latter is much more important.

“Um . . . Neil . . . I need to tell you something.” I’ve been
dreading this conversation about Julian. Neil is not going to understand why I didn’t alert the authorities immediately.

“What is it?” he asks warily. “We need to find Libby. Now.”

“Well . . . ,” I begin, but I’m cut off by a girl’s screams. I whip around. The girl stands in shock just outside the booth, staring down at the red blanket. She sees me, gulps, and runs back toward the fair. She stumbles and flies to the ground, and begins to sob and point toward the healers’ booth. Toward me. My shirt is covered in Kiara’s blood, which has sunk into the weave of the cotton fabric and caked into an ugly brown.

Soon enough the girl’s hysterics attract the attention of the security force, led by Autumn and the guy with the silver belt buckle who came to my room while Neil was in a coma.

“What happened here?” Autumn guides us out of the booth onto a patch of trampled grass behind it. I give her a report of how we found Kiara and what she said about all the healers being killed by an angel.

“It’s terrible.” The shock of it all is clearly etched on Neil’s face. “I owe Kiara my life, and now she’s gone.” He sinks down onto the stump of a tree.

Silver Belt Buckle escorts the shocked girl away while the others roll out yellow-and-black crime-scene tape to cordon off the area from the rubberneckers who’ve already started to gather, wide-eyed and curious.

Autumn lets out a piercing whistle. “The career fair is
over. Curfew is in effect until tomorrow, as of immediately. Please return to your rooms.” The Careers shutter their booths with worried glances. A trickle and then a flood of fair attendees bump into one another in their haste to get back to the dorms. I reach for Neil to return to our rooms, but Autumn calls out, “Stay for a minute, will you?”

She returns to my side. “Did Kiara say who did this? Give a description?”

“No. She was really weak by the time we found her, and then . . .” I trail off. It’s surreal to be talking about Kiara’s death to someone who was murdered similarly and in my own bed.

Autumn shakes her head. “It’s okay. I’ve come to terms with the way I died. It has only made me tougher.”

While Autumn gathers evidence, I sit next to Neil on the stump and put my arm around him. Kiara’s death has hit him harder than I would’ve expected, especially considering they barely knew each other. But then, I’m starting to see several new sides to Neil. It must be all the upheaval and change he’s gone through lately. As someone who moved a lot, I’ve come to expect change, sometimes even crave it. But Neil spent his whole life in the same town, his days set to a familiar rhythm. No wonder he’s so moody.

Libby arrives and consults with Autumn. As Autumn hurries away, Libby approaches us. “I understand you found Kiara.” She offers her wrist to Neil to help him stand. He takes it and scrambles up, flustered.

“What will we do? Now that the healers are gone?”
Neil is visibly calmer, almost as if Libby’s touch took away his sadness. She fixed my hearing, so it’s possible that she can affect emotions as well.

“I’ll have to train new healers,” Libby says. “I’ll brush up on my skills and take over the program. It’s a priority now.”

Kiara mentioned that Libby had once been a healer. It’s a good thing she switched careers, or she’d be dead now. “But won’t that make you a target? And anyone you train?” I ask.

“You should know as well as anyone else that sometimes the good of the many comes before the good of the few,” Libby says.

Guilt hits me hard. It’s time to tell her about Julian.

As I glance over at the healers’ booth, the security force starts to run toward Eastern Avenue. There’s a commotion at one of the distant booths. “What’s going on over there?”

Libby follows my gaze. “We’ve found one of the Morati.”

“You have? That’s great!” Neil says.

I paste on a bright smile. The capture of a Morati means we’re all safer, which is the best news of the day. It also means I don’t have to turn in Julian, and Neil won’t be disappointed in me. But how did they capture one? Libby told me that they hoped I would be the one to find the Morati, and then they managed it themselves after all. It’s doubtful I’ll get the chance to grill their prisoner about my stolen memories, which is a shame.

The group of security officers strides toward us. They form a tight circle around a prisoner and are at high alert, all ramrod-straight postures and shifty eyes. Autumn argues with Silver Belt Buckle, and she’s vibrating, as if she’s trying her best to maintain control over her reactions.

“He’s not responsible for this, Brady!” Autumn shouts. “Let him go.”

The prisoner’s head finally becomes visible.

Julian.

thirteen

“SOMEBODY GAVE US an anonymous tip,” Brady says in a southern twang as big as his belt buckle. “This one might be an angel. We’re fixin’ to take him somewhere to make real sure.”

Julian blanches. Brady must mean some sort of brimstone enclosure, like a jail. If they hold him too long, he’ll go insane. As much as Julian frustrates me, I don’t want that for him.

I wonder if it was Neil who gave the anonymous tip. Did he somehow find out that Julian was here and turn him in already? I have to try to stop this.

I march over to Julian, elbowing the security goons when they try to stop me. “Julian is innocent. I’ll vouch for him.”

“Tell it to Furukama-Sensei at his trial.” Brady’s towering stance is formidable, but his chin quivers. He is waffling.

Libby breaks in. She materializes a cashmere wrap and bundles up in it, which makes her look softer, an impression that is counterbalanced by the stiff way she holds her head. “If he truly is an angel, he is our main suspect. We’ll find out soon enough.”

At this point I risk another glance at Autumn. Despite all her years of training, the fact that the three of us—her, me, and Julian—are all back together again has to have made the events of that last Halloween, when she caught us kissing in the taxi, rush to the surface. At least the boiling red color of her face makes me think that.

“Take him away, Brady,” Libby says. Brady looks over at Autumn for confirmation, and she nods, jaw tight. Apparently Libby outranks her.

The security detail regroups and blocks my access to Julian. I start to approach Libby to protest, but Neil pulls me back. “Let him go.”

The steel in Neil’s voice stops me in my tracks, and all I can do is look at the back of Julian’s head. Autumn, Libby, and Brady fall into step behind Julian’s captors, and the procession moves back in the direction of the hill.

I close my eyes and press my fingertips hard against my temples. The Morati are still on the loose. We’re all in danger. Right now Julian is the only one who can help me find my lost memories, something he can’t do in custody—and something he can’t do if he’s exposed to brimstone and goes
crazy. I don’t want Julian to get hurt, even if he has hurt me countless times. I’m concerned for his well-being. I
care
about him.

“Come on, Felicia.” Neil prods me in the side with his folded-over brochure until I open my eyes. “If he’s the criminal, then things will go back to normal.”

“Do you think Julian’s the one behind all this?” I ask, trying to keep my voice measured, but apparently failing, if Neil’s sudden defensive posture is any indication. “He rescued you. He brought us back together.”

Neil scoffs. “He did that to serve his own agenda. You know that even better than I do.”

Julian is a master of twisting the truth. He screwed up my life, and he’s messed with my death. And yet I am drawn to him. I yearn to give him the benefit of the doubt. There is obviously something wrong with me.

“Were you the one who gave the anonymous tip that Julian is an angel?” I ask, half-scared of the answer.

Neil narrows his eyes. “Me? I didn’t even know he was in Level Three. Did you?”

I get the distinct vibe I should keep my conversation with Julian to myself. “Why would I know?” I ask so I can avoid an outright lie. “There must be something we can do to help him. You seem pretty chummy with Libby. Maybe you could ask her to release Julian.”

Neil tenses. “Let’s let the security team handle this. If Julian’s innocent, he’ll be fine.”

If they expose him to brimstone long enough, he won’t
be fine. But I can’t tell Neil that because he’ll wonder how I know about brimstone’s effects on angels.

As we walk, Neil taps the brochure against his thigh. I’m used to him redirecting his nervous energy into a driving beat to a song only he can hear in his head, and for several minutes I try to guess what it might be. I peek over at him, expecting his features to reflect the calming effect of music. But instead of gaiety I get grim, as if we’re on some sort of death march. I think back to the easy way Neil and I were able to interact in those months after the fall of the mainframe in Level Two. How we created top ten memory lists in different categories, even silly ones like top ten car rides and top ten root beer floats. How we recited poetry to each other and he sang me songs. And how he kept me close, even when intently counseling others on the best way to face unpleasant memories so they could move on. Now in Level Three, with Nate in the picture, and Gracie, and Julian, there are so many tiny land mines to avoid in the space between Neil and me lately.

For Julian’s sake, though, I have to try one last time to persuade Neil of Julian’s importance to us. “But what if Julian knows a way to get all our memories back? Think about it. The Morati could have stolen our memories when we got to Level Two. They might still have them. What if Julian could help us?”

“If Julian is some kind of evil mastermind, I wouldn’t want him to do me any more favors.” Neil squints at me. He shakes his head and opens the door of the dorm.
“Deals with the devil never turn out well.”

“Maybe Julian isn’t as evil as you seem to think.”

We climb the stairs in silence, and when we reach his room, he takes my hands in his. “Promise me you won’t get caught up in this Julian mess. Let him lie his own way out.”

“But—”

“We’re still in this together, right?” His blue eyes search my face. I’m never going to be able to adequately explain to him why Julian is important to me, not only as someone who is willing to help me but as a friend. I’ll have to drop it for now.

“Of course. And we always will be,” I say forcefully, as if mere determination could make it true.

“Good.” He brushes back the hair from my face and kisses my forehead, then my temple, my cheek, and finally my lips. “I love you, you know.”

My heart soars within my chest, because this is big. Because despite all we’ve been through, this is the first time he’s ever said it out loud. I don’t hesitate to say it back. “I love you.” His grin is contagious, infecting me with desire and delight. My lips long to spread kisses all over his body, and my limbs itch to spontaneously break into dance.

He opens the door and then steps back into his room. I move to follow him, but he blocks me with his body. “I . . .” He swallows hard. “Can you give me a little time? After what happened to Kiara, I need to be alone to process all this . . .” He trails off, leaving all the other things he needs to come to terms with hanging in the air.

He finally tells me he loves me, and then he sends me away. He might as well have smacked me across the face. “Yeah, okay.” My smile is wobbly but far more generous than is genuine. He closes the door on me for the second time in two days.

I return to my room and spend the next couple of hours flipping through my muse workbook and wrestling with myself. If I’m a good girl, I won’t break curfew. I’ll stay here and meditate on my future until Neil comes to get me for our class tomorrow. But the sting of Neil’s rejection and the lure of getting my memories back are too strong. I didn’t actually promise Neil I wouldn’t go to Julian. He’s over there mourning a girl he barely knew. He doesn’t care about our lost memories or about finding out what happened in our relationship back on Earth. I need to know, so in case the same obstacles come up again, I will be able to conquer them, for the benefit of both of us. After the way Neil so thoroughly shut me out, he won’t miss me tonight.