Chasing Before (20 page)

“Speaking of which . . . your debt has come due,” Nate says. “I’m calling in my favor.”

I tense up. This can’t be good. “Oh?”

“That’s right. You will threaten to quit seraphim guard training. Unless Furukama kicks Autumn out immediately.”

twenty-two

“WHAT?” I SHAKE MY HEAD and press my fingertips into the carpet. He can’t seriously be suggesting that I betray Autumn again. It’s ludicrous. “Why?”

“Explaining my reasons wasn’t part of the deal.” Nate gets up and brushes off his pants. “I expect to enjoy the fallout.”

“There are two problems with your request. One, Autumn is my best friend. Two, Furukama isn’t going to choose me over her. He barely knows me!”

“I guess that’s the chance you take.” He shrugs and starts off down the hallway.

I jump up and run after him. Of all the favors Nate could have asked for, this one punches me right in the gut.
I can’t bear to lose Autumn again. Plus, Furukama will throw me out on my ear for making such a demand. I won’t be able to improve my skills or suss out the Morati among the seraphim guard candidates myself. I’ll be totally reliant on Julian, once he recovers, to get my memories back. “I won’t do it.”

Nate stops and spins so quickly, it throws me off balance. He grabs me by the shirt and twists the fabric in his fist. “Don’t test my patience.” Then he lets me go and gives me one of his patented jerk smiles. “You’ll do it. Tomorrow. Or I’ll throw you into the same hole I threw that demon into.” So he did see me down there. Furukama is right to keep the jail and the hellhole top secret. I fervently wish Nate didn’t know about them.

“I don’t believe you.”

“No?” He waves his arm menacingly in the direction of Neil’s room. “How can I prove it to you?” His voice is flat and hard. He’s threatening Neil’s life now too.

“Stay away from Neil.” Oh God, Neil was right. Nate is a psychopath.

“I better not hear that you warned Autumn about this beforehand. In fact, she’s never to know. I want there to be public fireworks.” He punches his fists together. “BOOM.”

As he struts away, I smooth the wrinkles from my shirt. I run through my options. If Julian were full strength, I could go to him. Maybe we’d be able to form some sort of emergency plan B. But in the state he’s in, talking to him would be futile. I could go to security, to someone other than
Autumn—Cash maybe, and tell them how Nate threatened me. But it would be my word against Nate’s, and Nate has a high position here, while I’m no one. Who will believe me? I’m too ashamed to go to Neil. He’d ask me how I even knew that a demon hole existed. If I tell him about this, he might never open the door for me again.

The stupid thing is, Neil actually made me believe that I had become a better person, and that I had somehow redeemed myself. But it’s clear that deep down I am still bad. It’s easy enough to rage against Nate, and obviously I hate him for taking advantage of my weakness, but in the end I have no one to blame but myself. I got myself into this mess out of selfish greed, and out of the need to view another memory at any cost. I’m powerless to stop what’s coming. I don’t deserve Autumn’s friendship, or anyone else’s for that matter. I deserve to be alone.

I reenter my room and flop facedown onto the bed. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to block out all the images of Autumn’s smiling face staring out at me from my collage. Instead I think of goats rearing up, one by one. Eventually, the monotony of my thoughts puts me into a trancelike state.

Light streams between the curtains I forgot to shut last night. I roll over and sit up against the headboard, the horror of what I have to do today making me want to retch. I don’t want to do this to Autumn, but Nate threatened Neil’s life, and I can’t take the chance that he’d follow through and
murder his own brother. I hold my stomach and do some slow breathing exercises.

Finally I get up. I materialize into a black tracksuit so that I’ll match everyone else at training. If I have any chance at all of Furukama choosing me over Autumn, I need to be dressed for the part of seraphim guard. It could be the tipping point. Still I allow myself the small rebellion of keeping the light pink glitter polish on my toenails inside my black shoes.

I pull my hair into a ponytail as I walk over to Neil’s door. I knock, but there’s no answer. I check, and he’s not in the room. It takes me a few moments to process that he left without me. It robs me of my last bits of confidence. I walk over to his desk, where he’s displayed Megan’s grass animals. Next to them is the box he gave me, with the useless flashlight. Gift number two of the week of gifts he promised me in the car before our accident, though he stopped with three. It’s not practical to carry the Maglite around with me, so I leave it where it is. I pat my chest to make sure the skep charm is still there. At least I have this reminder that at one point Neil truly thought I was good enough to love.

When I arrive at Gym Three, the rubber duck is once again being used as a doorstop. I give it a tiny good-bye wave, since this is almost definitely the last time I’ll be welcome at seraphim guard training, thanks to Nate. The duck’s yellow cheerfulness seems to mock me, especially when I’m confronted with the somber atmosphere inside. All the other candidates have arrived already, and from their
semicircle on the floor, Wolf stares at me with a sneer. I ignore him, my eyes locking with Autumn’s. She’s sitting with Furukama at the opening of the semicircle. I look away quickly. Moby and Brady are on one end, and when Brady pats the floor next to him in invitation, I don’t hesitate to join them.

Once I’m seated, Furukama goes down the line, examining each of us, with the exception of Autumn, from head to toe. He doesn’t touch us physically, but the way his eyes drill into me is invasive enough. Can he see the blackness of my soul?

“Seraphim reign supreme,” Furukama says, and we repeat it after him. “Your minds are strong. We train. Your minds get stronger. At the end of term, on Ascension Day, I will choose twelve to join the seraphim guard and ascend to Level Four. The rest will continue to train until they are one day chosen, or leave to seek another career.” Furukama materializes a binder, the same one we were all given yesterday. The one I left in my dorm room. This day is not at all going in my favor.

Wolf has his binder with him, of course, as do about half of the other students. Because I never touched my seraphim guard binder on Earth, I can’t materialize it now. I could materialize a similar-looking binder, but it wouldn’t have the same content, so it’s no use.

Autumn takes over. “If you looked at the syllabus yesterday after class, you know that our first unit is on meditation. And you would have read the required chapters
provided as well as practiced deep breathing techniques.” She pauses to look knowingly at those of us who didn’t bring our binders and probably also didn’t read or practice. “But considering the bombing of the library yesterday, we will not penalize anyone today. We will have an open session to talk about your concerns. Who would like to go first?”

Wolf’s hand shoots up, and Brady groans beside me. “It’s obvious who’s setting off the bombs. It’s that angel,” Wolf says. Some of the others around Wolf mumble in agreement. Even though most of the populace of Level Three doesn’t know about the Morati being here, it’s an open secret among the seraphim guard trainees, many of whom also serve on the security force.

Furukama nods. “You refer to Julian.”

“Julian continues to be in our custody,” Autumn explains. “Therefore, we can be sure that he is not responsible for the latest bombing.”

Wolf sticks out his lower lip like a bratty child. “Maybe he didn’t blow up the library, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t responsible for the other crimes. It means he has an accomplice.” When he says the word “accomplice,” he looks straight at me.
Real subtle, Wolf.

“I assure you, we are pursuing every lead.” Furukama’s tone is polite but firm. Wolf nods, satisfied for now.

“Anyone else?” Autumn asks.

Zhu Mao clears her throat and straightens her posture. She has pulled her dreadlocks back into a bun, which gives
her a more serious edge. “So these people in my hall were complaining that the security force sucks.” The trainees that are also part of the security force chime in with unhappy groans and denials. Some cast uneasy glances toward Furukama, waiting for his reaction. After all, if you criticize the security force, you are in essence complaining about its top commander.

“And everyone’s, like, totally freaked,” Zhu Mao continues. “The bomb chopped a girl in half yesterday. So is this, like, Armageddon or something?”

“There is no reason to believe that.” Autumn’s voice is tight. “If we stay calm, and lead with our calm examples, everything will go back to normal soon. To assist on this account we’ve enlisted Libby’s help. Some of you might have heard about, or attended, Libby’s first mood-enhancing concert last night. The results were extraordinarily positive.”

“But, like, isn’t that a Band-Aid for the problem? Drugging everyone up? I mean, not that I mind drugs,” Zhu Mao says, eliciting chuckles from the group, “but they don’t protect anyone from bombs. Won’t we be like lambs on a chopping block? Can’t we stop preventing people from leaving here to go to Areas One and Three?”

“You think we’d all be safe from the Morati if we moved? Why wouldn’t they follow us?” Autumn challenges.

“I don’t know.”

“If you have a better suggestion, you’re welcome to share it with us,” Autumn says.

Zhu Mao shakes her head.

Furukama stares at me. “Are there other concerns?” It’s like he can read my mind.

I gulp. Here goes nothing. I’d rather do this in private, but I can’t risk that Furukama will go back into his statue mode before I have the chance to do Nate’s dirty work. “Yes. I do have something I want to say.” I stand up. “I’ve thought it over, and I have to quit.”

Brady and Moby look up at me in surprise, and Wolf lets out a very inelegant cackle. Brady pulls at my arm. “What’re you doing?” he whispers. “Is this because of what Zhu Mao said?” I sway on my feet, fighting the urge to run.

Furukama’s face reveals nothing. “Class dismissed,” he says. “Only Felicia stays.”

My fellow trainees file out, eyeing me with a mix of curiosity and disdain as they go. They can’t fathom why anyone would voluntarily leave guard training and all the cachet that comes with it.

When the gym is empty but for me and Autumn, Furukama wastes no time in getting to the point. “Do you disagree with my tactics? Is that why you wish to quit?”

“No. The Morati drugged us in Level Two for selfish reasons. What you and Libby are doing is trying to help people.”

“Explain your problem,” Furukama says. “You are a valued trainee. You could find the Morati. I have high hopes for you.”

“I do as well,” Autumn interjects, the concern clearly showing in her eyes. Autumn’s acceptance makes this even harder for me.

I bow my head. I can’t bear to look at Autumn while I say what I have to say in order to keep Neil safe. Even though my afterlife will be bleak without Autumn’s friendship, it would be even more so if Nate were to dispose of Neil. “Thank you, but . . .” I pause, my voice cracking. “I can’t train with Autumn. It’s either me or her.”

Autumn yelps, like a dog that’s been kicked in the side. “What?”

Furukama reaches out both arms, placing one hand on Autumn’s shoulder, which silences her, and one hand on mine. His concentrated stillness fills my mind, pushing out all my thoughts.

He lets go of us abruptly and grunts. “Autumn, you are dismissed. Permanently.” Then he morphs into his stone statue mode as if to ward off any protestations.

My jaw drops, and Autumn careens into me in a free fall. I catch her and lower her to the floor. She slaps at my legs, and I let her. I want it to hurt. “Why, Felicia? Why? You have to explain this to me, because I don’t understand.”

“I’m so sorry. So sorry.” I could say it a million times and it would still never be enough for what I’ve done. I never could have anticipated that Furukama would choose me. I was fully resigned to be the one who had to leave. Autumn would still have her position. Nate would have his sadistic fun. And I would be reliant on Julian for helping me find the Morati. Maybe Autumn would have forgiven me again at some point down the road. But she’s not going to now, especially because I can’t tell her that Nate forced me to do this.

Her forehead creased in confusion, she lowers her cheek to the floor and stares at the balance beam against the wall. For a moment she’s the old vulnerable Autumn. “Do you have any idea how hard I’ve worked to get this? To become Furukama’s confidant? To have a position where people look up to me? And then you waltz in here, smile your pretty smile, and he dumps me for you.”

“I wish I could take it back. I am so, so, so sorry,” I repeat helplessly.

“Oh no, you’re not.” Autumn’s pupils dilate, making her look a bit crazy. A bit dangerous. “Not now you aren’t. But you will be.”

Is that a threat? “More sorry than now?” I squeak out. In all my fear of Nate throwing me into the hellhole if I didn’t do his bidding, I didn’t even consider what Autumn might do.