Chasing Before (24 page)

She excuses herself for a meeting with Furukama, and the three of us return to the dorms. Moby’s building is farther down than ours, so we part ways with promises of getting together tomorrow to practice more songs.

When Neil and I reach the entrance, he stops and caresses my cheek. “It meant a lot to me. What you did tonight. Thanks.”

Little does he know much I did. And I can’t tell him either. Not if I want him to keep looking at me the way he is now.

He opens the door for me and then holds my hand as we take the stairs. As we step into our hallway, he comes to an abrupt stop.

“Umm . . . I was thinking,” he starts, but then doesn’t say anything more.

“Yes?” I prompt.

He puts down his guitar and then pulls at his collar with his free hand. “Do you want to stay with me tonight?”

twenty-six

NEIL’S INVITATION LEAVES me speechless. I have kept him in the dark about so many things. He wouldn’t be saying this to me if he knew I was the cause of the bombings and Kiara’s death. I have trouble looking him in the eye.

When I don’t answer, Neil bites his lip. “Of course, I understand if you have too much homework.”

“No . . . I mean . . . I’m surprised, that’s all. Are you sure?”

“When I saw you onstage tonight, it made me realize how hard you’re trying to see things from my point of view. I don’t want you to think that I’m not trying to see things from yours.” He looks so sincere, it breaks my heart a little.

“Thank you.” I can’t trust myself to say more, or the
whole chain of events leading up to this moment might spill out.

“So is that a yes?” Neil asks with a tentative smile.

I nod, my mind going numb. My throat constricts as he leads me by the hand into his room. Neil and I both kick off our shoes, facing each other. I lie down on top of his covers at the very edge of his bed.

Neil gets in beside me and presses himself against my back, nuzzling my neck. When he snakes his arm around me, hitching up my shirt and running his fingertips lightly right below my breastbone, every muscle in my body freezes even as every nerve ignites.

I curl my toes in as he explores my curves under my clothes, touching me in places he has never dared to before. When I can’t stand the intensity of it any longer, I buck against his fingers. I turn into his waiting arms and find his mouth, kiss him with the pent-up need of hundreds of nights of waiting, thrust my fingers up the back of his neck and thread them through his hair.

He shifts his weight, and all at once he’s kneeling between my legs, and my hands are on his hips. His trusting eyes meet mine, and guilt crushes my chest.

I push him backward, rolling off the bed and into a crouch. I look up. His mouth forms a perfect
O
of surprise. “Are you okay?” he asks.

“I can’t do this.” But when his face registers hurt, I cover my real feelings with a lie. “It just hit me. I forgot about this super-important assignment for Furukama. If I don’t do it,
he’ll kick me out. I might have to pull an all-nighter even.”

Neil forces a smile as he sits up. “If he kicks you out, there’s always a place for you with the healers.”

I stand and back away a few steps, reaching for my shoes and pulling them on quickly. I can’t keep my hands from fidgeting, and my feet are itching to run. “Thanks. But I have to see this through. If I can somehow stop the Morati plot, I have to try.”

“It seems we both have our jobs, then.”

He makes a move to get up, but I break for the door. “Okay, I better get started. See you tomorrow.”

Before he can answer, I’m out of there. I fly down the hall, down the stairs, through the lobby, out the doors, and onto Western Avenue. It’s the semidark of twilight now, so curfew is in effect. But I don’t care. I run as fast as I can down the road, until I’m past all the university buildings, all except the seemingly endless row of dorms. Most of these sit empty, waiting for more trainees to ascend from Level Two.

I pass Assembly Hill and I’m into the sports fields. I dash across a football field, then a soccer field, and finally a baseball diamond. I collapse onto home plate, exhausted from trying not to think about the scene with Neil.

A rustling sound comes from the dugout, then a girlish giggle. Two people sit entwined, and when the girl turns slightly, I recognize Autumn. How strange that she’s all the way out here with some guy.

Then the guy turns his face. It’s Cash, which I don’t get. They’re together a lot, it’s true, since they’re both on
the security force. And Cash does seem to really admire Autumn. But I never detected any sparks between them. In any case, I’m glad she is happy.

Autumn and Cash are so much in their own world, and I don’t want to startle them, so I start to tiptoe away as quietly as I can.

“Felicia. It’s always Felicia,” Autumn says, and I freeze, thinking she’s spotted me. “Everyone chooses her over me. Even Furukama.”

Cash mumbles something. I sneak closer to the dugout, but at an angle, to keep out of their line of sight.

“I wish, just once, someone would see me,” Autumn says with the petulant tone that defines my memories of her. “And not her.”

“Someone besides me?” Cash asks. He sounds vaguely annoyed. But then he laughs. “Isn’t my love enough for you?” From my vantage point next to the bleachers, I see him knock his shoulder into hers.

“She showed me a memory of us when we were kids. I wrote a play and we performed it for the neighbors. And guess what?” She pauses.

Silence. “What?” Cash finally asks.

“Every single one of them fawned over Felicia and ignored me. Even my own parents. Maybe it was my fault, because I idolized her too. I wanted her to have the starring role.” I choke up thinking about how lucky I was to have her as a friend, and how I blew it not once, not twice, but apparently many times over.

But then her voice hardens. “Felicia soaked it all up, like it was her right. She has always been like that.” Did people really ignore her? How could I have not noticed that?

Cash whispers something into her ear, and she giggles again, shoving him playfully. They start to wrestle, which turns into kissing, and I leave while they’re occupied.

The running helped me calm down a little bit, but I still don’t want to go back to my room.

I walk somewhat aimlessly back in the direction I came, and I find myself turning right between two of the dorm buildings, onto the main thoroughfare to the bridge that leads to Area One. Or rather, the former bridge.

Picking my way through shards of ancient stone, I approach the bridge slowly. The bridge bottomed out in the middle, but the stone edges that protrude from both sides of the chasm are remarkably smooth, with a gentle concave slope marred by the circular grooves made by the pulse bomb. I get as close as I dare, peering down into the canyon the bridge once spanned.

I place my hand lightly on one of the stones of what’s left of the bridge, my fingers tracing the deep cracks etched into its surface. I wish I could somehow fix it. The gray color shimmers silver for a moment, and the stone appears less damaged somehow. But that’s impossible. Stress is making me see things that aren’t there.

Hugging my arms to my chest, I proceed south along the gorge until I find a bench facing out. The outline of buildings in Area One is so much like Earth that homesickness
creeps up on me. I lie down on the bench and rest my chin on my folded hands.

I try to practice the meditation drills Furukama assigned for tomorrow, but it’s no use. I’m too distracted—by the twin memory globes that revealed I asked Neil to marry me. By the twin bridge explosions that revealed my guilt. And by having to run away from Neil because I’m keeping too many secrets from him.

I stew for what seems like hours, until the sunrise begins to paint the sky gold over the gorge. I go back to my room to pick up my binder before class.

The morning bells ring as I open the door to my room. Neil will check on me soon, I’m sure. I rush across the room to grab my binder, and my shoes crunch on broken glass. The framed photo Neil gave me of him in his Scout uniform lies facedown on the floor. It must have fallen during the bridge bombing, but I don’t have time to clean up the mess now. I turn to leave, glancing at the Morati’s small table as I do. Another memory globe hangs suspended on a wire hanger with a circular base, like a shiny Christmas ornament for sale in a store.

twenty-seven

I FREEZE IN TERROR. I cannot touch this globe, or who knows what else the Morati will destroy. But if Neil sees it, he’ll make us go straight to Libby with it, and I’ll never know if Neil said yes to my marriage proposal. Obviously I can’t view the memory now, but if I wait it out, keep patient until the Morati are caught, then I can view it without consequences.

A knock on the door springs me into action. I leap across the room, drop the binder, and pick up the hanger by its base, careful not to let the memory globe swing into contact with my skin. “One second,” I call loudly as I sink to the floor to shove the whole thing under my bed. I materialize a silvery bed skirt to hide the globe from prying eyes.

Neil opens the door and peeks in as I’m bending down to retrieve the binder from the floor in front of the small table. “You ready?” he asks.

Keegan is beside him, something that is becoming increasingly common these days. “Good morning, Miss Felicia,” he says in a way that makes me feel ancient. I’m only five years older than him, not fifty.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Binder in hand, I join them in the hallway, and we start walking.

“So did you finish your big project?” Neil asks. Keegan hums and thumps a notebook against his leg.

“Oh, man, it took me forever.” Lies beget even more lies. He won’t bring up last night with Keegan around. Instead we chat about Libby’s plan to test more healer recruits.

We part ways like nothing awkward happened last night, with a quick kiss and a wave. I’m impressed with Neil’s poker face in regards to my abrupt departure. He has the enviable ability to go on as though everything’s fine, even when it most certainly isn’t. I guess that does make him a great candidate for the healing profession.

When I get to the gym, Cash is standing at the door, keeping it open. His black combat boot rests atop the poor rubber duck. “I’m glad you decided to continue with the class after all. You can leave your binder on the table here and pick it up later. We don’t need it today.”

No mention of Autumn’s expulsion or my part in it? I examine him for any signs of his late-night rendezvous with her, but he’s no more or less cheerful than usual. “Have a
good study session last night?” I ask, a hint of suggestion in my tone.

He looks at me, slightly puzzled. “Furukama-Sensei assigns a lot of work, doesn’t he? But he’s only hard on us because he wants to toughen us up.”

Cash’s poker face is as good as Neil’s today.

Inside the gym, people talk about Autumn’s absence. There are various rumors going around as to why she is missing. Some say it’s because she had a fight with Furukama. Some say it’s because she answered a call to become a healer. When my classmates see me, however, they look at me suspiciously. “I thought you wanted to quit,” Wolf grunts. I shrug and walk over to join Brady. We sit down together next to Cash and Moby.

Furukama is seated at the front with his legs crossed, his arms outstretched and resting on his knees, and his eyes closed. He silences the chatter with a deep, vibrato hum. “Seraphim reign supreme,” he says. We run though some meditation drills. Then he stands and asks us to pair up.

Once we do, Furukama begins to lecture us on what he calls mind blocking and mind stunning, two of the most important skills a seraphim guard can possess. Mind blocking involves protecting your own mind from foreign invasion. It is essential in battle because opponents may try to plant thoughts or try to compel you to do things you normally wouldn’t. It’s how he suspects the Morati were able to convince the healers and William the librarian that they were dying. Mind blocking would also keep others from
extracting memories, the latter a skill the Morati already possess.

Mind stunning allows you to incapacitate someone, since the mind controls the functions of the body. It is a more difficult skill to master.

“Class begins with meditation,” Furukama says. “Then we spar.” He scans the room, nodding slightly when he sees me. “Wolf. Come help me demonstrate.”

Wolf looks all too pleased to be Furukama’s first choice now that Autumn is gone. He bounds to the front of the gym and stands next to Furukama, pulling at the hem of his black jacket to straighten it.

“First mind blocking and its opposite, mind mining.” Furukama squares his body so that he is facing Wolf, and offers up his palm. “While Wolf attempts to mine my mind and extract a memory, I create a force field in my mind to protect my memories.”

As we watch, Wolf connects his palm to Furukama’s and they circle each other, almost like they’re dancing. “Tell me what you see,” Furukama demands of Wolf.

“A great wall.” Wolf wheezes with effort. “Like the one in China. Trying to climb it, but it’s too slippery. Can’t get a foothold.”

How can Wolf speak so coherently while his palm is connected? I am always immediately sucked in, and have no outside awareness of what goes on around me. Wolf’s ability must come from practice.

“Good,” Furukama says. “Now you try to keep me out.”

Wolf closes his eyes, and his forehead furrows in concentration. “Okay. Ready.”

Furukama purses his lips almost imperceptibly. “A heavy steel wall.” He doesn’t say anything for about thirty seconds, and then, “A small breach in your fortress. I rip it open. I am inside. In your memory you sing in the shower.”

Everyone laughs. Wolf pulls his palm away and ducks his head in shame. He starts to walk back toward his partner, but Furukama stops him. “Now we demonstrate mind stunning.”

Wolf reluctantly returns to his former position facing Furukama. He’s no longer excited about being Furukama’s demonstration partner.

Furukama reaches out his arm so that his palm is only inches from Wolf’s forehead. “I strike.” As we watch, Furukama slams his palm toward Wolf but stops just short of touching him. Nevertheless, Wolf reacts by falling to his knees and then collapsing into a heap at Furukama’s feet. “Wolf cannot move. I focused my energy on Wolf’s frontal lobe. That was a soft blow, and Wolf will be fine after a minute.”