Chasing Before (34 page)

“No,” I say. But my voice wavers, and Cash grins.

“No?” He steps back and throws the globe high in the air. As it soars, it breaks into hundreds of lighted globes that float all around me, suspended by the force of his will. It is the most stunning sight I’ve ever witnessed. “Do me a small favor, then. You have the obol, yes? Take it out.”

My hand reaches for my pocket, and I slide the skep charm out into my palm.

“Excellent. Now all you have to do is view a memory. Any memory at all. You’ll open a portal, and we’ll all walk through it to Level Four so that we’ll be one level closer to our goal. Nothing could be easier.”

As I stare into Cash’s eyes, the globes reflect in his dark pupils like a universe of stars waiting to be discovered. The ice blue of his irises melts into the inviting turquoise of a tropical ocean. A whisper tickles the back of my mind, faint at first and then growing steadily into a thrumming chorus, serenading me from all sides. “Know yourself,” it says.

My angel DNA surges through my veins, assuring me that I’m better than human. I could be perfect. I could be divine.

Dimly aware that he’s using his power of compulsion, I squeeze my eyelids shut and shake my head violently, trying to force him out.

“Go on. Touch a globe to restore all your memories. Know yourself. Know how you lived. Know how you really died.”

I can’t help myself. I reach for the closest globe. It wouldn’t be so bad to join the Morati. Why have I been so against them all this time? I try to come up with reasons, but they seem so inconsequential. They pale in comparison to the gifts Cash offers me.

“Felicia!”

Neil’s voice breaks through the spell Cash has on me. I jerk my arm down to my side, dropping the charm. It clatters to the floor. I spin. Neil runs toward me.

Cash curses, and the memory globes start to swarm, swirling around him until they converge into one globe. Then he closes his fist and it’s gone. The twins tackle Neil before he can reach me, and wrestle him to the ground. Nate comes up behind them and jumps on one of their backs until the four of them become a great ball of tangled, kicking limbs.

Before I can join the fray, Cash rushes at me and launches himself at me with a flying kick. My arms go to the block position I’ve practiced so much in class, and as his foot nears my ear, I protect myself with a knuckle to his cheek and jab with my right fist into his neck. But unlike in class, Cash reacts with
a sweep of my standing leg, sending me careening backward. I grab Cash’s knee, and he falls on top of me. He scrambles for the skep charm and then clamps down on my wrist, tying the chain around my forearm.

He lets go of me and springs up. “Let’s try this again, shall we?”

Cash opens his hand, and the memory globe blooms once more. He lifts his arm like he’s going to throw a baseball, and I realize he means to pelt me with it in order to open up a portal. I leap to the side at the same time that Autumn crashes against Cash, pressing his lower back against the railing of the hellhole. “Don’t hurt her,” she cries.

He pushes her away roughly, coughing. Yellow spittle dots his chin. “Call her off, Felicia.” He thrusts his arm out, leaning his side over the railing and dangling the memory globe over the pit.

Autumn lunges at Cash again, and he loses his balance, pinwheeling his arms. He catches hold of Autumn’s hair, and the momentum propels them both over the railing. As Autumn latches on to the steel bar with her right hand, I sprint toward the hellhole and reach for her. “Take my hand,” I yell at Autumn.

Cash swings from Autumn’s hair, drops the globe, and grabs on to my left wrist. The globe splatters against the side of the pit. The force of his swing causes Autumn’s grip to slip from the metal. I catch her with my right hand. “Help me up,” Cash demands. “Or your memories die with me.”

Scuffling and cursing continue in the background as Nate
and Neil keep the twins occupied. I can’t keep holding both Cash and Autumn. My shoulders bellow with the strain of their weight. I have to let go of either my memories or my best friend. Either way I lose.

As I look into Autumn’s petrified eyes, I realize how I have been investing all my time and energy in the Morati’s narrative version of my life, letting them shape me via my memories. I spent my time chasing before, trying to find myself in my past, when all along I held the power to create myself in my present. It is time to take my life back. To be the best version of myself that I can be.

I shake my left arm violently, and Cash digs his fingernails into my flesh. He’s not going to go easily. My feet begin to slide. If I can’t get Cash loose, he’ll pull me in too.

“Help! Neil! Nate! I’m slipping!”

Autumn takes a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, Felicia. I let envy control me. I deserve this.”

Tears well in my eyes. “Don’t say that. We’ve both made mistakes. But the future is a clean slate. We can be friends again. Best friends.” My knees buckle. My strength is gone. We’ll both go down together.

She shakes her head. “It’s too late for me. But not for you.”

She twists her arm within my grasp, forcing my fingers open. “No! Don’t let go!” I shout. I clutch at her, but I can’t reach her.

She throws herself around Cash’s waist. Cash’s fingernails tear down the length of my hand, and his screams send chills down my spine.

As both Cash and Autumn fall into the abyss, I sink onto the floor and curl into myself, too horrified to even cry. My best friend. Gone. My memories. Gone.

I’m dimly aware of movement above me. Three bodies are thrown into the pit. The twins and Emilia? Shrieks, high-pitched and close, pierce my eardrums and then become quieter and quieter until they are nothing at all.

Nate gets in my face. “Are you okay, Felicia?”

I open my eyes. Nate and Keegan stand over me. Keegan must have arrived recently. I sit up with a start. “Where’s Neil?”

Nate harrumphs. “What? No thank-yous?” He pulls Keegan with him. “Come on. Let’s clean up the mess up top and leave the two lovebirds alone.”

Considering we broke up, “lovebirds” probably isn’t the most accurate description. Maybe it will be again soon. But even if it won’t be, I have to make sure Neil’s okay. I’ll never stop wanting the best for him. Ever.

“Nate!” Neil calls out. He’s by the stairs, lying in the fetal position, his arms clutched over his chest. Nate stops, leans over, and offers Neil his wrist to help him up, but Neil refuses it with a grimace.

Hurt registers on Nate’s face until Neil says, “I think my ribs are broken.”

“That’s nothing compared to the shape the other guys are in.” Nate chuckles morbidly.

“Yeah. Thank you for being here for me,” Neil says. “I appreciate it.” As I begin to crawl toward them, Neil lifts his knuckles for a conciliatory fist bump.

Nate crouches down and knocks his knuckles against Neil’s. “No one messes with my little brother but me.”

Neil smiles. Then he turns his gaze toward Keegan. “I told you to stay outside!” he admonishes. “You could’ve gotten hurt.”

“You guys needed me,” Keegan says defiantly. “And I kicked some Morati butt.”

“That you did.” Nate claps Keegan on the shoulder. “Now let’s go.” He nods at me and leads Keegan back up to the surface.

As soon as I reach Neil, I cross my legs and pull his head into my lap. I stroke his hair, mourning everything I lost today, but marveling, too. I am sitting here, despite all the odds, with this beautiful boy by my side. Even if we have only this moment, it’s up to me to make the most of it. That’s all I can do. “I could sing to you. I hear music really helps the healing process.”

He grins at me, rewarding me with the first dimple I’ve seen in ages. “Yes, please.”

I’d sing “Blessed Be the Tie That Binds”—it is kind of our song, after all—but it now reminds me too much of how I’m forever bound to the Morati, and there is nothing blessed about that. Instead I make up some lyrics to the
Prancing Goat
Symphony on the spot.

Neil covers his ears in mock distress. “Okay, okay—you can stop singing now.”

“Why? Because you feel better? Or because I’m torturing you?”

“Both?” We laugh. It’s no secret my singing voice is atrocious.

He sits up. “I like you better without all that black eye shadow.” I touch my eyelid with my finger, and it comes away clean. The eye shadow is finally gone.

“How did you find me down here?” I’m lucky Neil came and called my name when he did. “Can you stand?”

He nods, and we both rise to our feet.

“Julian got your distress call. He found Nate and me and told us where you were. He’s waiting outside.” Neil pulls at his collar. “He wanted to help . . .”

But he couldn’t because of the brimstone exposure.

“. . . but I begged him not to,” Neil finishes. “He can’t lose any more power. He has to get stronger so he can rebuild the bridges and the portal. Level Three needs him.”

Even when Neil is rushing to my rescue, putting his own life at risk, he still has the presence of mind to be concerned about everyone else’s well-being. It’s so typically Neil to put others before himself.

“What about Brady? Furukama? Are they up there too?”

“I didn’t see them,” he says.

I fill Neil in on what happened before he came, including what I saw in Autumn’s memory. When we return to the surface, Neil steps between the waiting Julian and me, in full-on protective mode.

“I was so worried!” Julian says.

“Were you? Then why were you plotting my demise in
Autumn’s memory of your meeting before the Halloween party?”

Julian gulps. “You saw that?”

“I did.”

Julian puts his hand out to me beseechingly. “I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. But I stopped working with the Morati a long time ago.”

I won’t let Julian emotionally manipulate me anymore. And I want answers. “You knew Cash was here. You knew Autumn was involved. Why didn’t you warn me?”

“They were watching me on Earth, in Level Two, and here, and they threatened to hurt you if I told you about them. I couldn’t let that happen.”

From what I saw in Autumn’s memory, I know he’s telling the truth about the Earth part, and the rest is plausible, though frustrating. “Okay,” I say warily.

“They already punished me for contacting you at all. Autumn was the one who sent the anonymous tip and got me put in jail. She even bragged about it to me. They didn’t want to torture me, just teach me a lesson, so Autumn convinced Furukama to let me out after one night.”

“In your memory of our bike ride together, you claimed you’d do anything to protect me,” I say as calmly as I can. “And yet you sent Neil down to face Cash instead.”

Julian’s so wrecked, I’d swear there are tears in his eyes. “I
would
do anything to protect you. If you don’t believe anything else, believe that.” He steps closer. “You have no idea how close I came to rushing down those stairs.”

“That’s true,” Neil confirms.

Julian blinks, and a tear escapes. “But I realized that what you most needed was an antidote against Cash’s false promises, someone who represented goodness to you, and only Neil could provide that.”

I try to imagine how it might have gone if Julian had come instead of Neil, but I can’t. He was right that Neil was the exact person who could break through to me at the moment of my compulsion. “Julian, I—”

“Don’t.” Julian’s lower lip trembles. “It’s okay. I’ll be fine.” And then he turns and walks away.

Neil slips his hand into mine, and that simple act breaks me. I pull him in and we hold each other. I let my tears flow as the thoughts of recent events all flood into my mind at the same time.

I always thought the universe demanded reasons, that by viewing my memories, somehow the story of my life would make perfect sense. But I’ve learned the hard way that reality is messier than fiction, and no matter how much you want to, you can’t sneak a look at the last page to see if everything turns out okay.

Neil leads me back to his room. We don’t talk. We simply lie in his bed, foreheads and knees touching, hands clasped, breathing each other in. And right now that’s all I can ask for.

thirty-seven

THE BELLS RING, marking the start of a new day. I untangle myself from Neil’s sheets and lean over him to stroke his cheek. His eyelashes flutter, but he doesn’t open his eyes. He smiles and then says, “You were right. It is nicer to wake up next to you.”

I laugh and snuggle back in next to him. “I could stay here all day.” Especially considering I don’t want to yet face any of the fallout from last night.

“Stay as long as you want.” He sits up, the sheet sliding down to reveal his bare chest, and gives me a searching look.

“Are you sure? You’re really okay with us sharing a room?”

Neil blushes, but he doesn’t bow his head. “Yeah, I think
I am. Level Three is different from what I was taught to expect from the afterlife. I didn’t know the rules of this place, and I automatically assumed that the rules I learned on Earth carried over. But they don’t. I get that now.”

This is a giant step for Neil, especially after yesterday, when we basically broke up. “What changed your mind?”

“Seeing you fight down there, I remembered why I fell in love with you in the first place. You’ve always been strong. But you don’t realize it sometimes.”

“Strong?”

“You are who you are, and you don’t pretend to be someone you’re not.” He turns his head away. “Not like me.”

I catch his chin so that he has to look at me again. “No regrets,” I say. “But no more secrets either, okay?”

He nods. “No more secrets.”

That means I have to tell him about my Morati DNA. I don’t really know how to say it after all this time, so I start casually. “So guess what I found out?”

“What?”

“Since my thirteenth birthday I’ve been eight percent angel.”

Neil sits up straighter. “How is that even possible?”

“I don’t know, but Julian said it happened when the fissure opened between Level Two and Earth.”

“And you believe him?”

“He doesn’t lie
all
the time.” I scoot over to sit next to him against the headboard.