Cheap & Classy (Hide Your Crazy) (5 page)

Chapter 8

Wh
y yes, officer, that is a large man dancing penis.

I had exactly ten minutes to change before I had to be outside for the meet and greet. Ripping my Deftone’s t-shirt over my head, I find a plain black tank top and red vest to toss on. My t-shirt and jeans look was really fine to be wearing, but I tried to look a little more put together and professional when working with the public. Slipping on a pair of black skinny jeans, I slid my feet into my red ballet flats and set about fixing the rats nest on my head.  Plugging my straightener in, I frowned at my appearance in the mirror. I missed my bright purple hair. Sure, people responded to me better with my natural shade, but it didn’t make me feel like the Molly I used to be. Running the iron over my bangs, I grabbed a couple bobby pins and pinned the left side away from my face.

I ran some black eye liner over my lids, and covered my lashes with a quick coat of mascara. Smearing some chap stick on my lips, I puckered up and gave the mirror a quick air kiss. “Really Molly?” I laughed, realizing that was a total girly moment I just had. Stuffing my bathroom contents back into a bag, I slide the door open and did a final visual in the long mirror on the back of the door.

“Um………Molly,” Megan’s voice wavered once again from the stairwell on the bus.

“What now?” I sighed, dropping my bag on the couch.

“Slight problem outside.”

“Of course there is.” Taking a deep breath, I hurried down
the steps into the Californian sunshine. “What now?” I asked Megan, holding my hand above my eyes to shield myself from the light.

“That,” Megan squeaked, pointing to a rather large penis behind one of the barricades.

“Wow, that is giant penis.” I couldn’t stop laughing at the guy in the costume. Who in the right mind would dress up like a big dick and attend a meet and greet? Sure, the majority of fans were female, and I’m betting this man got a ridiculous amount of attention wearing the costume…………….but…………….a penis? Personally, I think the things are ugly; kind of like a deformed E.T, sometimes shriveled up and creepy looking.

“I didn’t know what to do.”

“Do nothing, Megan; just nothing.” I smirked. If the man wanted to stand in that costume in this seventy degree heat then be my guest. “Remind me to get a picture of that later.” Megan awkwardly nodded and glanced down at her clipboard. I couldn’t help but notice the blush that had crept over her cheeks and the tips of her ears.

“Hey it’s a dick! Fucking rad costume
, dude!” Chance yelled while walking out the door to the covered tent area. Of course that man would find it entertaining. However, I also found him whacking off to old episodes of Crocodile Hunter last week; it really shouldn’t surprise me anymore.

“I’m p
retty sure I’ve seen it all now,” Megan muttered, shaking her head at Chance hi-fiving the penis dude.

“Just wait unti
l they start asking for a unicorn to accompany them on the road, and then actually finding a damn horse and attaching a fake horn to make the children happy.”

“Seriously?”

“Trust me, it only gets weirder from here on out.” I laughed, patting her shoulder gently with a smile. I had already overheard the unicorn request a couple nights ago. It was only a matter of time until one of them came to me and asked if it could happen. At least it wasn’t an emu like the last tour I was on.

“Alright, boys, I need you all to be consciously aware of your water intake. It’s warm out here, and with your little party earlier, I don’t need any of you dying on me before the show,” I lectured both bands, nodding to Megan as she passed out cold water bottles to each of the band members.

“What
, so no beer?” Chance questioned, looking disgusted as Megan forced a bottle into his hand.

“No. You all can
get completely shitfaced after tomorrow night’s show. The only thing I ask is that you stop drinking till after the concert tonight, and tomorrow when you are so intoxicated your world is spinning and begging you to purge the night away, please do it in the bathroom toilet and not all over the buses.”

“Fun-sucker.
” Jeremy laughed, popping the top on his bottle and immediately taking a drink.

“Yep,” I replied, popping the p sound a little louder than I expected.

“That’s not the only thing she is good at sucking,” Brantley raved, reaching over to high-five Chance.

“Watch it
, asshole; I have your wife’s number now.”

“You lucky mother fucker. You’re going to get a threesome,” Chance
exclaimed loudly.

“Water! Drink it.
” I glared at the two of them, pointing to the water bottles sitting on the table in front of them. Nodding to security at the gates to start letting the first ten through the lines, I turned back around to threaten the boys again. “Please, be on your best behavior. We are outside in public and I really don’t want anyone arrested before playing tonight.”

Brantley and Chance both exchange evil smirks then salute
d me simultaneously. Perfect, I couldn’t trust them more than a horny teenage girl at a Bieber concert. I couldn’t erase the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. Being out in the open with seven adult children was the reason we normally had these little shindigs in an enclosed, private area. Lord only knew what shenanigans they had planned for this afternoon; and knowing them it would be something epic and stupid all at the same time.

“Megan, watch them closely. I don’t care if you have to annoy the shit out of them being that close, but I can’t afford for them to screw up. I have a couple of phone calls to make for their day off on Wednesday,” I quietly said to my assistant.
Megan offered a weak smile and wandered back behind the table as the first couple fans got closer.

I flash
ed Chance and Brantley the classic ‘I’m watching you’ motion, silently praying that the afternoon could go on without a hitch. Laughing out loud, I wondered why in hell I was kidding myself. Something always happened, and I always had to find a way to clean the disaster up. Maybe being a manager wasn’t my dream job after all. Maybe I needed to be a zookeeper, since I basically cleaned up shit all day long anyhow.

I had just run up to the sound boards to talk about a new intro for Pleasure Revenge when my phone started buzzing. Looking down, I noticed it was a text from Megan. Unlocking my phone, my fingers glided over the text app, rolling my eyes to what could have possibly happened now.

*Megan*
Police! Help!

“You have got to be kidding me!” Clenching my jaw tightly, I ask
ed Bill the soundman to give me one second while I sorted the latest problem out. Sprinting across the concrete floors, I silently sent up a prayer to the gods that I didn’t end up on my face. Slamming the large double doors open, I noticed Megan talking frantically with her hands to two police officers.

“Hi officers, what seems to be the problem?
” I asked in the sweetest voice I could possibly muster up. Plastering on the classic fake smile, I batted my eyelashes a couple times. I hoped my blonde hair would give me a pass to whatever happened out here. The two cops just glanced over to the railing, nodding at the still dancing super penis on the sidewalk.

“Why yes
, officers, that is a dancing penis,” I managed to say with a smile, realizing this moment was going downhill faster than a cheetah on roller blades in the New York City Marathon.

“Ma’am. The sidewalks are city property, and vulgar activity out in public cannot happen.
Public nudity is a criminal offence.”

“I apologize for the slight overlook on our part
at keeping this a wholesome family event, officers. Let me just go talk with him and I’m sure it can be resolved quickly,” I pleaded, silently killing the penis off in my head five million and one times. Of all the stupid things that have gone wrong today, I get law enforcement being called to the venue for an oversized dick.

“There are children that drive by this location with their parents and it is not okay for a costume like that
to be paraded out in public,” the officer scolded, giving me the trademark death look I’d witnessed several times as a teenager.

“I completely agree with you;
just let me take care of the situation right now,” I exclaimed, taking a quick step over to our personal security. The shorter officer caught my elbow and yanked me back gently.

“Ma’am, if this cannot get resolved quickly, then we will be forced to shut the concert down.”

“Well, then I guess you should let go of my elbow and let me sort it out then,” I snapped, giving the man a tight smile while yanking my arm out of his grasp. Quickly, I mentioned to one of our security guards that the man had to go. “I don’t care where he goes; just make the costume disappear off the street please.” I turned back around to the officers and that’s when the shouting began.

“Fuck this
shit; I can wear whatever I want. This is mother fucking America. Freedom to the people!” The giant penis shouted, putting on a show for everyone still in line.

My eyes grew fifty times larger
than normal as I watched one of the officers lean over to his shoulder and radio something in. “Slight problem, but my security should be handling it quickly,” I rambled, trying to convince the officers with my fake smile that everything was under control. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a fist flying through the air, and a large penis being brought to the ground.

“Son-of-a-bitch,” I moan
ed, looking over at the officers rushing over to take charge of the scuffle.

“Officers requesting back up,” w
as all I heard while closing my eyes. Perfect example on why Monday’s should never be allowed to exist. Stupid men and their damn attraction to having the bigger cocks.

Ten minutes later, several more police officers, a handful of event security, one giant penis, and two of our own workers in handcuffs, the incident outside ended.

“Megan, get the guys inside now,” I demanded. I couldn’t afford for the damn press to get any pictures of the band out in the midst of this freak show.  Megan quickly nodded her head and set out to herd the guys back inside the concert hall. Walking back over to the barricades, I was instantly stopped by a hand preventing me from coming any closer.

“Ma’am, you need to stay back,” another officer warned.

“Those are my guys you have in
cuffs; they were only acting on the request of getting the large male appendage out of the public’s view.”

“We are trying to do our job
, Ma’am. Please go back to the tent area and we will find you if needed.”

“You are not arresting my guys for something the officers asked me to correct. They didn’t throw the first punch! Hell
, all they did was take the idiot to the ground, then your ‘officers’ brought them down as well,” I sneered, bringing my hands up to emphasize quotation marks around the word officers.

“Sergeant Anderson, we have a situation over here,” the younger cop shouted over the commotion.

“Perfect; give me someone I can actually talk to.” I hated dealing with people that couldn’t immediately solve the problem for me. Screw the chain of command; give me the head haunch-o in the beginning. My anger was growing with the second for the stupid little outburst. Glaring at the younger cop standing close to me, I scanned over and watched as my guys were ripped off the ground unjustly.

“You can’t fucking arrest them! They did absolutely nothing wrong,” I screamed at the cops, storming past the officer to my guys. “This is absurd! Who in the hell do I need to talk to around here?”

“Ma’am, please calm down,” one of the cops mentioned to me, blocking my way as they deposited my two security officers into waiting cruisers.

“Get out of my way
, damn it.” I roared, attempting to push my way around the officer.

“You are under arrest,” w
as all I heard as my arms were yanked behind my back and I was forced to me knees. Seriously? I really needed to keep my mouth shut before I went barking up the wrong damn tree. Fuck.

Chapter 9

What is grey and white, and extremely pissed off? Me sitting in a damn jail cell, that’s what.

Keeping my mouth shut was apparently too hard of a thing for my mind to wrap itself around. Once again, I didn’t think before my verbal vomiting episode. It wouldn’t have been a bad thing, had it not been law enforcement that was at the receiving end of my mishap. But, then again, I’m pretty much guaranteed for something epic to go wrong every day.  Normally it didn’t result in being arrested, so I could chalk that up to new experiences

“Hey, do you have a smoke?” a rather intoxic
ated woman asked from across the holding cell. Being in general population was kind of like staying at a one star hotel. Being a little unsure of where I should sit, since it smelled like urine and vomit, and the floor resembled the nastiest of biker bars, I hovered on the edge of the steel grey, hard as fuck, cold bench. Keeping my arms tucked tightly under my breasts, I held a firm posture; trying hard not to come into contact with anything.

“Yeah, since they empty your pockets and pat you down before tossing us in this hell hole, the answer is going to be no,” I jabbed, clenching my teeth tightly.

“You don’t have to be such a bitch.”

Shrugging my shoulders, I offered the chick an insincere smile and went back to pouting.
I knew Megan would be working on my release, and since I technically didn’t assault anyone, it shouldn’t take too long before they bounced my ass from the slammer. Who would have known that talking to the police in the manner I did would get you arrested? I knew I should have kept my mouth shut, but I just couldn’t seem to manage it.

“Molly Anne
McGlenister?” a female officer called from the open steel door.

“Yes,” I hissed, taking
a quick glance around at the poor souls still locked in this dungeon. Smiling at the officer, I carefully stepped over a woman crashed out on the floor and mentally reminded myself to pour acid over any part of my exposed skin when I got home. Gross.

“Please have a seat over there,” the officer directed me to a row of plastic chairs against the far wall. Nodding silently, I proceeded to take the end chair again, this time allowing myself to relax as I sat down. At least the appearance out here seemed cleaner than those cells. Someone really should report that rat infested prison to the health department; it couldn’t be sanitary or up to code. The large room bustled with activity as people shuffled about. People being hauled in, some being transferred, and even a couple officers taking a midafternoon snack break. “Doughnuts.” I chuckled;
kind of ironic.
My stomach started to growl as I watched another officer reach into the box and pull out a chocolate sprinkled one. Groaning, I realized that my cup of oatmeal for breakfast just didn’t cut it. Maybe that was the cause of my sudden outburst earlier. Tired, hungry, and now cranky, I just couldn’t seem to catch a break today.

The three of us walked out of the building, laughing at the day’s events. Luckily, all the charges were dropped with the skill of the amazing legal team at NP Management. Now I could cross getting arrested off my bucket list. Not that I really had one, but maybe I should. These last couple months had been interesting to say the least.

“I can’t believe you started shouting at the cop
, Molly,” Sully, one of the security guards, laughed, shaking his head at my stupidity.

“Well, they shouldn’t have had you in cuffs.”

“True, but it was all sorts of comedy when this short, tiny little blonde thing started flailing her arms in the air and yelling profanities at men in uniform.”

“What can
I say? Respecting authority had never been my specialty.” I shrugged, pulling my cell phone out of the plastic bag with the remainder of my belongings. Flipping my phone on, I searched for a taxi company number, letting the seriousness of today’s events finally soak into my mind. There was never enough time in the day to accomplish everything that was required of me. How Stephanie did this day in and out, and having several bands at a time was a mystery that even Scooby’s gang couldn’t solve. All I had to do was play peacekeeper between the opening little punk band and PD, get the boys from point A to point B, herd the cattle every night of the show, and ultimately make sure no one got arrested in the down time. So why in the hell was I having such a hard time keeping up? Political Downfall was drowning me in almost a literal sense. So riddle me this Batman; where in the hell was my lifeguard?

The concert had already begun once we got back to the venue. After several cat calls, a couple high fives, and a few jokes later, I was finally backstage looking for Megan. Thank god she didn’t get inv
olved with today’s little stunt. Someone had to be responsible and do the actual job we were getting paid to do.

“Hey there’s our little hooligan,” Brantley called out from down the hallway. Several people around him starte
d clapping as I wandered toward them.

Rolling my eyes to the comment, I faked
a slight curtsey, and tried not to crack a smile. Sure, these boys could drive me absolutely insane. Have me questioning all my morals and inner judgment. But at the same time, this was my new dysfunctional family. Drowning or not, I could at least try and tread water. “Yep, I’m a real Bonnie. Just looking for my Clyde.”

“Well, I had been your Clyde for a while. I’m sure I could fill the vacancy again,” Brantley leaned in and whispered in my ear.

“You are such a prick,” I commented, shaking my head at his stupid remark. “Do you know where Megan is?”

“Last time we seen her she was heading backstage with the opening act,” a roadie remarked.

“Thanks,” I replied, flashing a smile in his direction.

“Wait, no details on your time in the slammer?
Did you become somebody’s bitch? Or better yet, did you take someone on as your bitch?”

“Fuck off
, Brantley.” Flipping the idiot off, I turned to head back down the hall again. “Tell the guys to finish getting ready for me, please?”

“
What, am I your secretary now?”

“Well, I thought you were my bitch?” I couldn’t resist a smart-ass grin. Flipping him shit right back was my lifesaver, and I refused to go down without it.

The crowd
tonight was absolutely electric. The sheer energy in the room could have lit up the Empire State building ten times over. I honestly forgot how big these guys were getting, but when you could hear the crowd sing back every single word of every single song, you realized the tour you were on would be remembered forever. I was witnessing something amazing as I stood out in the wings, watching the guys tear up the stage.

“
You doing okay?” Megan asked, leaning in closer to bump shoulders together.

“Yep, just a seriously long
ass day.” I let out a deep sigh and laid my head on her shoulder.

“Want to get drunk tonight? Maybe get arrested for public intoxication?”

I snorted and shook my head. “I’m game for the alcohol, but I’ve already filled my quota on getting arrested this year.”

“Gosh, you’re not fun.
” Megan giggled, breaking the connection between our bodies.

“Yep, regular
ol’ kill joy,” I muttered, instantly being drawn back into the guys on stage. Music was still the portal to my soul. It wrapped around the very core of me, and transported me into a happier time. Even with all the crap that surrounded my life, all the drama with the bands, and my pathetic love life, music was always going to be there.

“They sound great tonight.”

“Yes, Megan, they really do.”

It amazed me that the guys were awake, chomping at the bit Wednesday morning for their little motocross excursion, yet any other time on this tour it took everything but lighting a fire under their asses to get them moving.
You dangle a day off from the tour, add a little extreme sports action, and possibly some girls in daisy duke shorts screaming for them at the track, and they were like a kid at
Disneyland
. Now I just had to figure out how to capitalize on their jollies and have every morning for the rest of our tour like this. It would easily cut down on our coffee bill, considering I only had to have three cups before I was able to smile and not scowl at the idiots.

“So we have like the entire day then?” Eric questioned, his eyes sparkling like Christmas morning.

“Kind of. Technically, you guys have seven hours of gasoline, dirt, and dirty girl fun.”

“Molly, if you keep talking like that I’m
gonna have to go rub one out real quick,” Chance moaned, dropping his head to the back of the couch.

“Gross, and make sure you wash your hands please.”
Shuddering at the thought of Chance jerking off in the bathroom, I turned back to the stack of files on the counter. I had to prep for the next couple venues, call hotels, and confirm with radio stations before we headed down the Californian highway tonight. There would be no having fun for Miss Molly this afternoon; not that I ever would get on a damn bike with any of these wackos anyhow.

“This is going to be sick,” Jeremy shouted, slamming his hands eagerly on the top of his thighs.

“Alright gentleman,” I piped up, setting my files back down.

“Look
, guys, we graduated from kids to gentleman.” Brantley laughed, letting that lopsided grin catch my attention. If I wasn’t already screwed up by the kind of douches like him, I’m sure that grin would have dropped my panties all over again.

“You guys are dumb. Anyhow, I need you all
to seriously be careful. Like full on gear and helmets today. We can’t afford for any of you to get injured and for any of this tour to get postponed. We need to ride the current success you all have on radio, and dealing with broken bones and possible concussions would put a serious damper on our plan of attack.”

“Yes, M
other,” the guys replied almost instantaneously, turning my scowl to a little smirk.

“I’m serious
, boys.”

“Don’t worry
, Molly, we will be real boy scouts.” Chance grinned.

“I’m having a real hard time believing you were ever a scout
, Chance.” I rolled my eyes at the idiot, and reached over to grab my phone.

Chance laughed, and knocked knuckles with Eric sitting next to him. Yep, that basically confirmed that man had no idea what being a boy scout was about. In all seriousness, neither did I; but I
highly doubted it meant playing rock music, getting high, and banging girls. Boy Scouts were wholesome, and the guys on this tour closer resembled sewer rats, scrounging for any tasty morsels left on the ground.

“I would totally fuck a girl in one of those slutty Girl Scout costumes,” Eric muttered.

“Hey, Molly, would you let us eat your cookies?”

“Seriously, you all need mental help,” I groaned, shaking my head and walking to the back of the bus to make my first call without the guys and porn playing in the background.
One of these days they might grow up ……………………. or maybe not.