Chiaroscuro (15 page)

"You've never been in love," Jamie said as if just realizing it.

"I loved Tristan."

"But you weren't in love with her. You loved her as a friend--like a brother. Not like a husband. It's not the same thing, Ben--I mean, it's love, but it's... different. Not lust, not desire. Passion. Passionate love. You've never felt that." He huffed. "Largest vocabulary of all the world's languages and we still don't have a word big enough for love."

Ben fidgeted with the stub of cigarette. "You think what you and Micah have is love? This--waiting? All this pain, all these questions? Do you believe a thing he says to you?"

"I know he's trying. And I know he's young. There's a lot he's still figuring out."

"That excuse isn't going to work forever."

Jamie looked out at the city and didn't answer.

Ben waited, then said, "I'm going back to the party. You've given him a good birthday, Jamie."

"Yeah," Jamie whispered and was still looking out at the city when Ben went inside.

Chapter Eight

"He's goth," Micah said to Jamie over burgers and chips at a campus diner. "He spent twenty minutes putting on makeup last night before we went to dinner--and it was just at the dorm cafeteria. Eyeliner and black lipstick and the whole deal. I have no idea what he'll do if we ever go out together."

"Do you think you're going to be going out together a lot?" Jamie said, smirking, and stole a chip from Micah's plate.

Micah turned his plate so the mound of ketchup was within Jamie's reach. "I have no idea. That seems to be the thing to do--a bunch of guys from the floor went out late last night. At least he hasn't read me any poetry yet."

"I fear for the day he reads you poetry. You've ketchup on your face," he added.

Micah scrubbed his face with a paper napkin. "Did I get it?"

"Yup." He wondered what Micah would have done if he'd wiped the ketchup off with a chip--or with his tongue, like he'd really wanted to. Micah was a lot more relaxed since he'd moved on-campus, but he still hadn't held Jamie's hand when they walked from his dorm to the diner. At least they weren't the only gay couple in the place--Jamie suspected that would only help, for Micah to see how other couples handled themselves. "But you get along, at least, yeah?"

"Yeah, so far. He's not a slob or anything."

"Do you have a signal for when he brings home girls? 'Cause the last thing you want to listen to someone else having sex when you're not getting any yourself."

Micah made a face and swiped a chip through the ketchup. "It hasn't come up. I'm not sure what you even do with breasts. Have you ever had sex with a girl?"

"Never."

"You've never even wanted to?"

Jamie picked at his burger. "I have never wanted to. I've often thought I needed to be some fabulous woman's gay best friend--we could go shopping together. I could advise her on shoes. But--yeah. I'd rather the whole sex issue never arose."

Micah took a long sip of his shake. "If a girl asks me out I don't know what I'll do. Faint, probably."

"You could just say you're dating someone."

"Yeah," Micah mumbled. "I'll probably just do that."

Jamie raised his eyebrows at him a moment, wondering if there was more to that statement than appeared. Time to change the subject, it seemed. "How are your classes?"

"They're okay. I've only had two so far. Two more tomorrow. The programming class is fun--the English class is lame but I have to, you know? Stupid general education requirements."

"Even programmers need to know how to express themselves."

"I guess so."

"That was always my big complaint at Virtuoso. The memos from Programming were unintelligible at times. You blokes have never met a modifier you couldn't misplace."

Micah made a face at him. "I have no idea what that means but I think I should be insulted."

Jamie smiled winningly and sipped his own shake. "All part of the university experience: learning how much you don't know." He added, "So. What are you doing next Saturday?"

"Spending it with you, I hope."

"Brilliant. Because Sunday is my birthday and I would prefer to spend it with you, too."

Micah smiled and squirmed. "Cool. What do you want to do? I could do a party at the dorm common room."

"That's okay," Jamie said with a laugh. "Let's just go out to dinner or something. That will be fine. "

"Okay. I can even pick you up and take you someplace really nice," he said proudly. "Working for a couple years before college was a great idea."

"You're probably the only freshman who won't be writing home for money."

"Yeah." He grinned and ate a chip. "How about I pick you up at eight and we go to... I don't know, you like Italian, right?"

"I love Italian."

"I'll find a place. And we can dress up. You look good in a suit." He gave Jamie a flirtatious look.

"That'll be lovely," Jamie said, pleased.

"You'll be twenty-five, right?"

"Twenty-six."

"You're so old!" Micah crowed. "You're an old man!"

"Hush, you," Jamie said cheerfully. "And you're the one dating an old man so what does that make you?"

"What's the opposite of a cradle robber?" He giggled--so Jamie had to come around the table and tackle him, tickling him until he was gasping for breath and begging him to stop.

***

"Your birthday's coming up, isn't it?" Dune said, pausing between sets on the ab machine. "It's the 24th?"

"Yup, next Sunday." He paused too and flexed his legs, sore from the thigh toner. "Micah's taking me out."

"Is he? Good for him."

"We're going out for Italian. Birthday tiramisu, mm."

"Birthday sex should be good, too."

"Yes," Jamie said gleefully. "He's stayed over every weekend since school started."

"Which has been, what, three weeks?"

"Yeah... but it's the principle of the thing. He's here in the city, he's got a car, and we're seeing each other a lot more." He started another set of reps--flexible legs made Micah happy. "He was right to live in the dorms. This college experience is only going to be good for him."

Dune grunted in a neutral way and Jamie glanced at him. Well, he was pressing weights again--it didn't necessarily mean disagreement. "I've got a present for you--I'll bring it by on Sunday."

"Thanks," Jamie said, grinning. "Not too early."

"No, not too early--interrupting the birthday sex would be terrible."

"Or the post-birthday-sex breakfast and accompanying food porn."

Dune snorted. "Jamie, you can't cook. And if the kid can make anything more than ramen I'll be very surprised."

"I can so cook. And Micah makes good pancakes." He looked up and smiled as Ben left the treadmills to join them, flopping down on an unoccupied Nautilus machine.

"What's this about pancakes?" He drank from a bottle of water.

"Micah makes good pancakes," Jamie explained. "I'm expecting a good birthday breakfast."

"Oh, is it your birthday?"

"On Sunday."

"Fabulous," Ben said. "We'll have to give you a shindig--post the birthday breakfast, of course." He offered the bottle to Dune, who shook his head, and Jamie, who took it gratefully and had a swig.

"I don't need a big party." He wiped his mouth. "Micah and I are going out Saturday night--all I need is a night with the man I love."

"Aw," said Ben. He and Dune exchanged looks, and Jamie wondered what they were planning.

"I'm bringing him a present sometime Sunday," Dune said. "Maybe we should all go out to lunch."

Jamie smiled and got off the thigh machine, wiping it down quickly with his towel. "That would be very nice, if you'd like."

"I would like," said Ben with a nod. "And what do we get for the man who has everything?"

"You don't need to get me anything--though I appreciate your gifts, Dunie."

"As well you should." Dune finished with the ab machine and wiped it down as well. If he noticed all the stares he was getting from the other gym patrons he gave no sign. "Swim or steam?"

"I didn't bring a suit," said Ben. "And I'd rather not rent one--you never know where they've been."

"Next time," Jamie said. "Let's steam."

"Seriously, what do you want? I know you like art and books and things to draw with..." Ben got to his feet to walk with them to the locker room, and slung his arm over Jamie's shoulders.

Jamie leaned his head against Ben's chest a moment, his arm going around Ben's waist. "I like... whatever you think I'd like. I like being surprised. I like serious gifts or silly ones."

"I could take you to his favorite store," Dune offered, draping his arm over Jamie's shoulders as well.

"Mm, shopping with Dunie," Ben said. "Sounds like fun to me."

Jamie smiled as they walked: they both were much taller than he was, but he had no trouble keeping up with their pace; and it felt so warm and reassuring between them, hips brushing and arms holding him close. He loved that they liked each other--loved that they had no trouble showing affection to each other as well as to himself.

I'm so lucky, he thought. He had a lover like Micah--he had friends like Dune and Ben. Nobody in the world had it better than he did.

***

At six on Saturday, Jamie took a shower and shaved his beard, ironed his suit and slapped on some cologne. At seven he put on some music and made certain he had plenty of supplies for a good night with Micah, lube and condoms and a new toy or two to try out. At eight he got dressed and turned on the answerphone, and waited for the knock on his door.

It didn't come until nearly twenty after eight, and Micah was apologetic as Jamie hugged him hello: "Jamie, I'm so sorry! Lab ran long and then all the showers were busy since it's date night--"

"Just kiss me," Jamie said, holding his face in both hands.

"I didn't even have time to shave," Micah murmured, eyes slipping closed, and he clung to Jamie as they kissed.

"You know I don't care, baby." He nuzzled Micah's neck, appreciating the scent of soap and his crisp white shirt. "Oh--you've got some schmutz--" He picked at the black smudge with his thumbnail. It came off easily, waxy to the touch. "What you been doing? Rolling around in grease?"

"Oh--um--I'm not sure what that is--" He closed one eye to look at his collar. "Are you ready to go?"

Jamie held the collar flat, frowning. It wasn't just a random smudge, he realized, and all at once his hands felt cold, his face felt hot, and Micah's voice seemed far away.

That was a lip print on Micah's collar.

"Your roommate wears black lipstick," he said distantly and let Micah go.

"Jamie--" Micah hauled him back into his arms, ran his hands over Jamie's face. "Jamie, it's nothing--he's a goon, I told you, he likes to--"

"He kissed you." Jamie wondered at himself--why did he feel so calm? So cold? Shouldn't he be furious right now? Angry? Screaming? "Did you kiss him back?"

Micah looked at him unhappily, eyes enormous behind his glasses. "Jamie," he said, "we--we just--it was just a kiss--"

"Was it, really? Was that all it was? Or did he fuck you, too?"

Micah's eyes dropped and he blushed.

"He did," Jamie whispered and turned away. His hands felt freezing cold. "Well."

"We're there in that tiny room," Micah blurted. "He studies naked! And he's got a tongue piercing and I wondered what it felt like and he--he--"

"He showed you."

"Jamie." Micah sounded close to tears. "It wasn't--I didn't mean for it to happen!"

"Was it only today or has it happened before?" Stone and ice. That's what he was.

"Before," Micah whispered. "From the day he moved in. We were getting ready for bed and he--he wasn't shy at all--and--and--"

"Three weeks." Jamie leaned his forehead against the nearest wall to keep from falling over.

Micah whispered, "Jamie, he wanted me so much."

He whirled on Micah, rage finally boiling in his blood. "And I don't? I don't want you, I don't love you? I haven't waited for you? I haven't been patient with you? I haven't been everything you asked me to be?"

"Stop yelling," Micah begged. "Please stop yelling. Please, Jamie, I never meant to hurt you."

"You did whether you meant to or not," Jamie snarled. "What were you going to do, wait until tomorrow to tell me? Or Christmas? Valentine's Day? Our anniversary? How long were you going to cheat on me, Micah?"

"I didn't--"

He grabbed Micah's collar and shook the boy like a rag doll. "Then what the fuck do you call this!"

Micah tore himself from Jamie's hands and slumped to his knees. Tears streamed down his face. "Stop! Please, Jamie. Please. I never--I never--I never wanted this--please--I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Jamie." He wiped at his wet face savagely with his palms. "I won't ever do it again. I love you."

Jamie watched him as the boy sobbed, his own eyes stinging though for entirely different reasons. Micah meant it, now that he'd been caught, but if his roommate hadn't got lipstick on his collar how long would their affair have gone on before Jamie learned the truth? All year? All of Micah's college career?

He said, sorrow in his voice, "If you loved me this never would have happened. You fucked him because he was naked. Because he had a tongue piercing. Fuck, Micah. How many blokes have you fucked just because you were curious?"

"No one!" His face was turned up beseechingly and he reached for Jamie's hands. "No one, I swear. There hasn't been anyone but you."

"And him."

Micah's lips turned down again and he reluctantly nodded.

"Are you sure?" Jamie said and hated how rational he sounded, how calm. Anger felt better. Anger numbed the pain. "Are you sure there hasn't been anyone else? None of the campus tour guides you've been seeing all summer? No random blokes in a movie theater? No sneaking out of church for a quick shag in the boy's loo?"

"No one, Jamie. No one. I love you so much. Please don't be like this."

"Why shouldn't I? You're the one who was fucking around."

Blue fire flared in Micah's eyes. "What about you and Ben? You'd be fucking him if it weren't for me!"