Chiaroscuro (18 page)

Ben's lips twitched and he looked away a moment. "Look," he began, "I don't--"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I've heard them all."

Ben took hold of his face again. "Listen to me. I don't want to be your rebound guy. I may entertain being something else at a later date."

Jamie couldn't help smiling. "So we do have to stop being friends."

"Asshole." He let go of Jamie's face and stood. "I'm going home before I do something we'll both regret."

"The only way I'd regret fucking you would be if I forgot the lube."

"Begone, foul tempter," Ben said and let himself out.

Jamie leaned back in his chair, grinning, and finished off his wine.

***

In the morning, Jamie packed up Micah's things while he cleaned up from the party. There wasn't much--it barely filled a box--but it took Jamie a long time to fold every shirt and tuck them away. They smelled like Micah. He wanted to bury his face in them, inhale his scent and remember the good times. There had been some incredible good times.

Dune showed up to help, with Daniel in tow and a love bite on his neck, and whenever he thought Jamie was lingering too long over Micah's things he would take them from his hands and put them in the box. "Be strong, honey," he said, and Jamie nodded.

It was much easier to be strong when he thought about the promised rewards--Ben had come to help as well, and whenever their eyes met Ben would get this hot, dark look, like it was all he could do to keep from jumping Jamie right then and there.

Jamie wished he would. Sex would help him forget Micah--which was why, he knew, Ben would not be Rebound Guy. Sex with Ben should not be about Micah--sex with Ben should be about sex with Ben. Time and patience--and maybe some throwaway dates, as Ben had said--would cure the Micah-induced wounds.

When the flat was clean, the wine stashed in the cupboard, and the cake wrapped and put away in the freezer, Dune picked up the box of Micah's things. "We'll take this to him," he told Jamie. "No need for you to see him."

"All right," Jamie said. "Probably for the best. No hitting," he added to Ben, who was putting on his jacket to accompany Dune.

"I never!" Ben said, eyes wide and innocent, and put his hand on Dune's back to urge him out the door. Daniel, though, stayed behind and made himself comfortable on the sofa.

Jamie closed the door behind Ben and Dune, and said to Daniel, "Drink?"

"No, I'm good." He picked up a cushion and fidgeted with it. "You and Micah, huh?"

"Yeah." He poured himself a glass of water.

"Hard to believe, man. You two hid it well. I always thought you were more like brothers than boyfriends."

"It didn't start until that last week, so there wasn't much to hide." He sat on the sofa beside Daniel and put his feet up on the coffee table. "Maybe we should have stayed like brothers."

"It's a shitty way to end a relationship."

"I'm not going to disagree with you there."

"So..." Daniel put the cushion aside. "What are your plans now?"

"Ben says I should have a lot of throwaway dates."

Daniel nodded, leaning his head on his hand. "Dune said the same thing to me."

"You and Dune discussed this? Fabulous." He sighed.

"Well, he did tell me about the Micah thing. And he has a lot of opinions about everything."

"I don't think he was ever told to shut up once when he was a kid."

"We were talking about you, not Dune." Daniel's hand fell onto Jamie's head and began to slowly stroke his hair. "You and the Micah situation. And throwaway dates."

"Meaningless sex. Yeah." He sighed again. "The cure for everything."

Daniel's fingers gently brushed the hair back from Jamie's forehead. "You know, when we worked together I always wondered what it would be like with you--but you were my boss and it was just a bad idea all around."

"I'm not your boss anymore," Jamie said.

Daniel leaned back his head, waiting. Jamie took another sip of water, then set the glass on the coffee table and moved to straddle Daniel's lap. He held Daniel's chin and kissed him lightly, tasting his lips with the tip of his tongue. Daniel held onto Jamie's hips, shifting under him, and his mouth followed Jamie's when he pulled away.

"Are you ready for this?" Daniel asked in a low voice. "'Cause it did just happen and all."

"It's like ripping off a bandage, mate," Jamie answered and kissed him again. Daniel chuckled low in his chest and slipped his fingers under Jamie's T-shirt to stroke his back. Jamie shivered and pushed back Daniel's head, moved his mouth to kiss down his throat. His skin was olive-toned, warm, and he tasted like caramel.

His fingers combed into Jamie's hair and he rubbed Jamie's scalp, moans humming in his throat. He pulled Jamie's mouth back to his and turned Jamie beneath him as they kissed. He pushed up Jamie's t-shirt and started kissing his stomach, running his fingers over Jamie's ribs.

Jamie thrust his hand into Daniel's hair--Daniel looked up with a cocky grin and licked Jamie's navel. Jamie yelped and laughed, squirming. His hips arched, his jeans gaping away from his waist, and Daniel hastily undid his fly and pushed down his jeans. He scraped his teeth over Jamie's hipbone, kissed up his belly and pushed his t-shirt up to reveal his chest.

"Nice," he murmured at the sight of the nipple ring. He closed his mouth around Jamie's nipple, dabbing with the tip of his tongue. Jamie moaned, his whole body arching now, and started rubbing his shoulders, his back, up his neck and into his hair.

Jamie pulled himself up on the sofa to give Daniel more room to move, pushed his jeans lower and touched Daniel's face. Daniel grabbed Jamie's hand and kissed his palm, kissed his fingertips--wove their fingers together and held Jamie's hand over his head as he kissed his mouth. Jamie worked his hand loose and held Daniel's head as they made out. Daniel's hand moved down between them, inside Jamie's opened jeans and wrapped around his cock.

Jamie thrust into his hand and moaned into his mouth. Their tongues circled and slid against each other. Daniel's body arched and thrust with Jamie's, his hand working between them, and he broke off the kiss to catch his breath. He gasped into Jamie's ear, "I could fuck you all day and all night," and Jamie laughed from his chest and licked Daniel's cheek.

"Maybe next time, baby." He tilted back his head and closed his eyes, his breathing heavy and quick as Daniel stroked his cock. He gasped into Daniel's neck, digging his fingers into Daniel's back, and Daniel looked down at him with a hungry expression and dark, smoky eyes.

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon," he chanted and bent to lick into Jamie's mouth. Jamie clung to him as they kissed and finally broke it off, coming hard with a deep groan and a shudder.

Daniel's breath slowed down and he quietly laughed, his head falling into the crook of Jamie's neck. "Well. Huh."

"I--" He reached into Daniel's trousers.

"No." He shook his head and pulled Jamie's hand away. "It's okay. I should be getting home, actually--still have family visiting."

"I bet that made last night interesting."

"We were quiet." They smiled at each other and Daniel ran his hand over Jamie's hair. "Are you okay, Jamie?"

"I'm better."

"That's a start." He moved off Jamie and stood, stretching from his toes to his fingertips. "Ah...to be concluded later."

"Definitely. See you, Daniel."

Daniel nodded to him and let himself out. Jamie cleaned himself up with his T-shirt and stayed stretched on the couch, dozing and wondering where Ben was.

***

Ben carried the box up the stairs behind Dune and rested it on his hip as Dune pounded on Micah's door. "Micah!" He looked at Ben, waited a moment, and pounded on the door again. "Micah! Open up."

"I promise not to hurt you," Ben said, and muttered, "Much," to Dune.

"Quit it," Dune said and rapped on the door again.

The door opened as he was knocking, by a tall, slim, dark-haired kid in black clothes, who leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed. "Micah's not here."

"You must be the roommate," Dune said with a forced, tight smile. "We're the boyfriend's friends, and this junk is Micah's."

"When do you expect him back?" said Ben, matching Dune's smile and raising it a few points.

The door opened wider to reveal Micah, who was holding himself as if he expected to be pummeled. "It's okay," he told his roommate, who rolled his eyes and continued looking at Dune and Ben with a bored expression. "This is Dune and Ben, and this is Ryan," he said, gesturing to each of them and then worrying his lower lip. "Um. Do you want to come in?"

"Definitely," Ben said and brushed past them to set the box on what looked like Micah's desk: the computer and video games magazines gave it away. He leaned against the desk and crossed his arms as well, imitating Ryan's pose.

"How's Jamie?" Micah said as he sat on one of the narrow beds. He pulled up his legs and wrapped his arms around them.

"Oh, wrecked," Dune said casually. "I'm sure you'd be in his situation. But thanks to people who actually love him he managed to have a good day."

"Hey!" said Ryan.

"Ryan," Micah said, not looking at him, "why don't you go get some sodas down in the vending machine? Please."

Ryan looked from Dune to Ben. "I'll be right back," before flouncing off down the hall.

Dune sat on the bed opposite Micah, his posture perfect. "What I want to know--and granted, I don't expect you to have an answer to this but I would like you to at least think about it--is why. Especially for that." He pointed out the door.

"You wouldn't understand," Micah muttered, his eyes on the ugly brown carpet.

"Wrong answer. Try again. Without the sulky teenage attitude, please."

Micah's gaze darted to Ben and then back to a point between his feet.

"Okay," Dune said, "since you're not going to talk then you get to listen. Jamie is my best friend. The only thing that I want as much as happiness for myself is happiness for him. Now, for whatever reason, Jamie convinced himself that you could make him happy." He took a deep breath. "Unfortunately you failed miserably, as you are a selfish child."

Micah finally looked at him, his expression stony.

"So." Another deep breath. "What you need to do in order to not be remembered as a complete and utter prick is to go to Jamie and take responsibility. Do you know how to do that or do I need to explain it step-by-step?"

Micah muttered something into his knees.

"What was that?" Ben said sharply. "What did you say?"

"Jamie was selfish, too!" Micah shouted, glaring at Ben. "He had this whole fantasy--he wanted me to be perfect. How am I supposed to be perfect? How am I supposed to do all the shit that he wanted me to do? Move in with him? Are you kidding?"

Dune asked calmly, "Then why did you tell him that you would?"

"I knew you wouldn't understand."

"I'm trying to," Dune said. "I want to. I don't hate you, Micah--nobody hates you."

Ben coughed and looked out the window.

Micah focused on his knees again. "Jamie hates me."

"He'll hate you a lot less if you apologize. Admit what you did was wrong and that you're sorry for hurting him. If you want him back, he may even consider it. If you don't, let him know. Don't lead him on. Don't give him false hope."

"I just want things to be simple."

"Welcome to gay life," Ben said. "Nothing is simple."

Micah glared at him. "If he were fucking you everybody would think it was hunky-dory. The two of you, just--just--like you were meant for each other," he said bitterly. "That's what he thinks. Says your name in his fucking sleep."

For a moment Ben was too stunned to speak, and finally managed to stammer out, "So this is about him talking in his sleep?"

"This is about him wanting you more than he wants me!" He pulled himself into a ball again, arms wrapping tight around his knees. "Ryan doesn't expect me to be perfect. He just likes me for me." He turned his face away from both of them. "Get out of here. Both of you. Coming over here to scold me. Jesus. Go home."

Dune looked at Ben and gave a little nod, and got to his feet. "Breakups don't have to be horrible, you know," he said and squeezed Micah's shoulder a moment. "That's all I'm trying to say."

Micah twitched out from under his hand.

Ben was going to leave without speaking--he was still reeling from what Micah had said--but he stopped a moment as he passed between the narrow beds. "You know, I was married before." Micah raised his eyes to look at him. "I wasn't much older than you, either. Twenty-one. I loved her." He paused and nodded to himself. "I loved her a lot. But I was lying about a lot of things, too. To her and to me. And the thing about lies is they don't make love stronger. They don't do anything good, Micah."

Micah's eyes narrowed and he looked away, and Ben followed Dune out into the hall.

They passed Ryan on the stairs, who was carrying a pair of soda bottles between his fingers. "Did you leave him in one piece?" he said, stopping a few steps above them.

"He's fine," said Dune.

"It's not right, you know, you coming over here like--like--like this. He's a good guy. He didn't do anything wrong."

Ben said, "He broke a promise. He broke a lot of them. But at least now you know what to expect from him, right?"

"He won't cheat on me," Ryan said with less confidence than he could have.

"You keep telling yourself that."

"Come on," Dune said, taking Ben's hand. "Let's go home."

***

Tristan didn't like Ben smoking and he couldn't smoke in the shop, so Ben sucked on a lollipop rather ferociously as he watched Tristan get fitted into her wedding gown. "Why isn't your mother helping you?" he'd asked her, and she'd replied, "Because I need an objective opinion and you're as objective as they come."

He sat in the fitting room with his legs sprawled out, wondering if the dinky chair he was in would break if he squirmed. The bridal shop was very pink and flowery--it didn't seem like Tristan at all. The gown was, though: a slender column of ivory, sleeveless, embroidered in more white around the bodice, no lace or beads or crystals.