Clothing Optional (16 page)
Authors: Alan Zweibel
HE
It's just that
you
don't like to conga.
She sheepishly nods.
HE
(cont'd)
Hey, don't get so down on yourself. A lot of people don't like to conga.
He finds another CD, inserts it, and runs back out.
HE
(cont'd)
But everyone
loves
the limbo.
We hear recording of Chubby Checker singing “Limbo Rock.”
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He bows at the waist, does some limbo moves as he travels around and behind the booths, then leans backward at the waist as he attempts to limbo under the “exact change” tollgate.
HE
(cont'd)
This is fun.
He sings with Chubby as he dances and limbos. At one point it's obvious that his stomach is going to hit the “pole.” So, in the limbo position, he reaches into his pocket, grabs a coin, and throws it into the exact-change basket. The gate goes up, and he limbos the rest of the way.
HE
Nothing to it. Your turn.
She turns away from him. He grabs her from behind; she falls rigidly flat in his arms, yet he tries delicately to push and pull her as if she were a toy, toward the gate. Just when her chest is about to hit the gate, he becomes concerned.
HE
(cont'd)
Uh-ohâ¦I don't have an extra quarter.
(fumbles for it)
Do you have one?
SHE
In my booth.
HE
Ohâ¦
He now pulls her rigid body out from under the gate and stands her in an upright position.
HE
(cont'd)
I'll go get it.
SHE
Please don't.
HE
Why not?
SHE
Look, I think I might've made a mistake accepting this date.
HE
(to himself)
I've done it again, I took a person and pushed them a little too farâ¦.
SHE
It has nothing to do with you. It's just that I'm not into this right now.
HE
Sure.
SHE
I'm sorry.
She turns to go back to her booth.
HE
Is there someone else?
She stops, nods, and cries.
SHE
Yes. I mean, there was.
HE
Is he dead?
SHE
No.
HE
Does he collect tolls?
SHE
No.
She turns toward him and blows her nose.
SHE
(cont'd)
He's a chiropodistâ¦a foot doctorâ¦
He nods to indicate that he knows what a chiropodist is.
HE
I had a bunion once. I could barely put on my shoeâ¦.
SHE
That's why I took this job. To take my mind off things. To throw myself into the work.
He looks around at the vast nothingness and inactivity that surrounds them.
SHE
(cont'd)
You know what I mean?
HE
I sure do. And with all due respect, I think I know exactly what you need to help you feel comfortable enough to tell me, a total stranger, your innermost secrets about what went wrong with you and the chiropodist.
SHE
What's that?
HE
Wine.
SHE
Wine?
HE
Give me a second.
He runs to his booth, enters, and emerges with two chairs, a folding table, a bottle of wine, and a corkscrew.
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He quickly sets up the table and chairs.
HE
Are you hungry?
SHE
Not really.
HE
You sure? Because I'd be more than happy to run over to the beach, drill a hole in the ice, sit there, catch a fish, bring it back here, clean it, and thenâ¦
(indicates his booth)
cook it in my microwave.
SHE
No, that's okay.
They sit. He uncorks the bottle and pours the wine.
HE
So tell me what happened between you and the chiropodist.
SHE
I screwed up.
HE
You did?
SHE
Real bad.
HE
How?
SHE
I really hated to hurt him.
HE
I understand. But you still haven't told me how you screwed up.
SHE
I don't knowâ¦
HE
I mean, were you dishonest? Did you deceive him? Did you cheat on him and have safe sex with someone else but then when he asked where you learned all these new moves you insisted that you two have been doing those things all along and accused him of having amnesia but when he said, “I don't have amnesia, Robin,” you said that your name was Barbara, so you dropped him like a hot potato and now he's being kept in a special room until the doctors finish their tests but they say they're going to have to take his driver's license away from him no matter what and it's all because of
you
? Did you? Did you? Did you?
SHE
(smiling)
No.
HE
You were faithful to him and your feelings?
SHE
Yes.
HE
So? How did you screw up?
SHE
By placing too many unrealistic demands on the relationship. You see, I still have this fairy-tale idea of what romance is supposed to be. So it always starts off great, but when reality sets in, I get disappointed.
HE
I understand.
SHE
Sort of makes me never want to fall in love again, because I know I'm just going to end up getting hurt.
HE
Well, I don't agree with that.
SHE
You don't?
HE
Noâthat's like saying you're not going to get a dog because it's going to die someday. Why deny yourself all that love and all that fun just because you're eventually going to have to say good-bye? The trick with love is to seize the moment it hits you and try to make it last as long as you can, knowing that there are no guarantees.
SHE
Hey, that's smart.
HE
What's smart?
SHE
What you just said. That whole dead-dog thing.
HE
It is?
SHE
Sure it is.
HE
Wow.
SHE
You didn't know it was smart?
HE
I never said those words before. They made sense when I thought them, but you never know exactly how brilliant thoughts are going to sound until you say them.
SHE
How long have you had these brilliant thoughts?
HE
About seven weeks now.
SHE
Ever since you started working here?
HE
Actually, it's ever since my dad passed away.
SHE
When was that?
HE
About eight weeks now.
SHE
Oh, I'm so sorry. You were close?
HE
Very close. We worked together. He had a factory that he and I ran.
SHE
What kind of factory?
HE
Combs. We made combs.
SHE
Combs? You mean hair combs? Those kind of combs?
HE
Yeah, combs. We made combs. Combs don't grow. They're made. And that's what we did. We made those combs.
SHE
Sounds like your business was very important to you.
HE
Yeah, it was. It was the only business I ever knew. It was always just assumed that it would someday be my business, and that was fine with meâuntil the day after my father's funeral. I went to work and looked around at what was supposed to be my future, and you know all I saw?
SHE
What?
HE
Combs.
SHE
Combs.
HE
All I saw was plastic teeth and those pocket holders, which we also made. You see, my dad was the king of combs, and I was the prince who was supposed to assume his rightful place on the comb throne. But now, with the king gone, there I was, questioning what I really wanted to be when I grew up. That's why I took this job, to see what my next move should be, and when the opportunity presented itself, I'd seize the moment and become my own kind of king.
SHE
I'm sure you will.
HE
Thanks. And don't worry, your savior will come.
SHE
My Sir Lancelot?
HE
Sure.
SHE
My knight in shining armor who will slay the dragon?
HE
If that's what you want him to do.
SHE
And then sweep me off my feet and we'll live happily ever after in Camelot?
HE
Camelot?
SHE
Camelot.
HE
Then Camelot it shall be.
He runs to the booth and turns on the CD player.
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We hear the overture to
Camelot.
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He appears, smiles, and waves, then disappears.
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A plastic, uninflated dragon comes flying out of the booth and lands between the two booths. It inflates next to her.
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He emerges, wearing a breastplate and helmet and wielding a sword, just in time to sing at the appropriate musical moment.
HE
(singing)
Camelot! Camelot!
He strides out of the booth toward the dragon.
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The music continues throughout.
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His moves are choreographed as such that he approaches her as she cowers, gestures that she needn't be afraid, approaches the dragon, brings his sword back, and keeps hitting the dragon until it eventually deflates.
        Â
He approaches her, victorious. She now sees him as her noble, heroic knight.
        Â
He flings down his sword, helmet, and cape. She throws off her coat, revealing a taffeta prom dress.
        Â
They come together in front of the tollbooths and bow and curtsey respectively, as the tollbooths are transformed into the towers and turrets of Camelot. They start to danceâin between and around the tollboothsâgracefully and romantically to the music.
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Toward the end of the overture, they dance toward the tollbooth arm, which magically rises; they dance through and stop to sing.
HE AND SHE
(singing)â¦
for one brief shining moment,
that was known as Cam-e-lot.
They almost kiss, as the overture segues into “If Ever I Would Leave You.”
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He walks her back to her booth, where they stop awkwardly, looking tentatively at each other.
SHE
I had a real nice time.
HE
Me too.
A beat.
HE
Good night.
SHE
Good night.
He turns and walks slowly toward his booth.
SHE
Hey, Lancelot!
He stops walking.
HE
Yeah?
He turns to her.
SHE
What do you say we seize the moment?
She gestures toward the inside of her booth.
HE
Okay.
He runs a few steps toward her, then turns on his heels, rushes to his booth, enters, and rushes out carrying two pillows and a blanket under his arm.
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He runs about halfway to her booth, again skids to a halt, turns on his heels, rushes back, flips a switch that changes the light over the booths from green to red, runs out, and goes straight into her booth, the door slamming behind him.
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MUSIC
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LIGHTS SLOWLY FADE OUT.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Writing is a solitary act. But making writing my livelihood was a group effortâone that provided me with encouragement, inspiration, and opportunity.
For these invaluable gifts, my gratitude starts with my parents, who at times during an uncertain beginning had more faith in me than I had in myself.
From there, a list forms. It includes those who gave me a chance as well as those who extended a hand when I stumbled along the way. People like Morty Gunty, David Jonas, Lorne Michaels, Gilda Radner, Buck Henry, Herb Sargent, Arnie Kogen, Bernie Brillstein, Don Zakarin, Larry David, Billy Crystal, Rob Reiner, Peter Gethers, Bruce Tracy, Alan Gasmer, Martin Short, Mel Berger, Alison Grambs, and Drew Simon. I've been real lucky. And I thank them all for that luck.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
An original
Saturday Night Live
writer,
ALAN ZWEIBEL
has won multiple Emmy, Writers Guild of America, and TV Critics awards for his work in television, which also includes
It's Garry Shandling's Show
(which he co-created and executive-produced),
Monk,
and
Curb Your Enthusiasm.
In films, he co-wrote the screenplays for
Dragnet, North,
and
The Story of Us.
In addition, he wrote the popular children's book
Our Tree Named Steve
and the 2006 Thurber Prizeâwinning novel,
The Other Shulman.
His humor has appeared in such diverse publications as
Esquire, The Atlantic Monthly,
and
MAD
magazine, as well as on the
New York Times
op-ed page, and has been reprinted in numerous anthologies around the world. Alan's theatrical contributions include the play
Bunny Bunny: Gilda RadnerâA Sort of Romantic Comedy,
which he adapted from his bestselling book. He also collaborated with Billy Crystal on the Tony Awardâwinning play
700 Sundays,
and with Martin Short on the Broadway hit
Fame Becomes Me.
A frequent guest on late-night talk shows such as
Late Show with David Letterman,
Alan tours the country doing speaking engagements and performing his own one-man show, which he modestly calls
The History of Me.
But the production that Alan is most proud of is the family that he and wife, Robin, have created with their children, Adam, Lindsay, and Sari, and Adam's wife, Cori.
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