College Sex - Philosophy for Everyone: Philosophers With Benefits (33 page)

1. Friends can help us make sense of our lives by holding up the mirror of self-reflection. They can give voice to what we often fail to see in our- selves, namely, that we’ve allowed our standards to fall too low. They can remind us of our values, interests, and ideals. Our aspiring medical stu- dent may have been systematically deceiving himself about his situation
   

   or he may have lacked the wherewithal to live according to his professed goals. It is also possible that after careful reflection, he decides to give up his former ideals and embrace the life of a barfly. However, like Hill’s waitress-turned-prostitute, he is capable of a great deal more and has sold himself short. His friends speak out because they know he is walking down a foolish path. Once a friend has said her piece, however, there may be little more that she can do. Sometimes we choose wisely and some- times we don’t. Since friends cannot live our lives for us, they must stand back and watch us make our own mistakes (even foolish ones). Respecting a person’s ability to give her life shape and meaning can sometimes require respecting her freedom to be foolish. This discussion points to the fifth feature of self-respect, the willingness to accept the possibility of error and the corresponding willingness to live with the consequences.
   

   Can Girls Go Wild With Self-Respect?
   

   There seem to be plenty of women willing to take it all off for strange men and engage in the raunchy displays captured on “Girls Gone Wild” videos and jumbo screens in Cancun. There’s nothing inherently wrong with public nudity or women deciding to perform for men. Under the right conditions, women could do either of these with self-respect. I worry, however, that some of these women are going wild without con- sidering whether pandering to hollering crowds is something that they ought to want. There is some concern that they have internalized unhealthy expectations and unconsciously tied their sense of self-worth to fulfilling them. Mistakes happen, but if they have failed to reflect or respond to available reasons, then they have sold themselves short. But what’s so troubling about women going wild?
   

   First, the producers of “Girls Gone Wild” videos and organizers of spring break festivities give the impression that they are documenting ordinary women feeling the urge to be spontaneous. It is true that the behavior depicted isn’t strictly scripted, but the displays fall into highly predictable patterns. Moreover, the level of cheering, baiting, and cajol- ing suggests that this is more than ordinary women deciding to be playful on a whim. There is some degree of manipulation at work.
   

   Second, DVDs and cell phone videos serve as a visual record of a woman’s decision to go wild.Women should be concerned that these will be found by parents, potential employers, or even grandchildren.
   

   Of course, if “she’s got a pretty body,” then she might be able to look back on them with some satisfaction. It is less clear whether the same can be said of the ever-escalating displays of lewdness. Video evidence reminds us that these activities come at some cost. Like the dangers asso- ciated with binge drinking, they are costs that ought to be counted.
   

   Third, producers give the impression that the women on display are eye candy to be consumed. I worry that this feeds into sexist stereotypes sug- gesting that a woman’s worth lies in how she looks. In its strongest form, the criticism suggests that the women depicted in these videos are being treated as mere commodities that are useful only insofar as they have the power to satisfy male sexual desires. The philosopher Immanuel Kant (1724–1804), for example, distinguishes between dignity and price.
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   The latter value applies to items that can be bought, sold, traded, and thrown away when they are no longer useful. The former value applies to human beings, which, unlike commodities, are inherently valuable and beyond compare. The strong criticism suggests that the hyper-sexualization of women has contributed to the perception that they are merely objects to be used and then discarded. This perception and the actions that flow from it are wrong because they fail to respect the basic dignity of women. In a weaker form, the criticism suggests the characterization of women in these videos is too one-dimensional. Women are not depicted as fun- loving people who also have intense interests in poetry, engineering, and intricate public policy questions. It is their sexuality, and only their sexu- ality, that is on display.While there is nothing wrong with being sexual or being seen as sexual, there’s cause for concern when a woman’s sexuality eclipses her other noteworthy features. The concern is not that women are sexual creatures, but that they have sold themselves short if they fail to appreciate the many other things they have to offer. The same can be said of men who have mindlessly internalized a one-dimensional view of
   

   a woman’s worth and seem all too eager to encourage its propagation.
   

   Fourth, the “Girls Gone Wild” culture promotes a shallow conception of feminine beauty. Consider the narrow range of body types on display. It is not as if ordinary women of all shapes and sizes are flashing their natural endowments. Rather, the producers are “looking for tens.…You know, 100 to 110 pounds, big boobs, blonde, blue eyes, ideally no piercing or tattoos.”
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   They are tapping into a set of cultural norms that promote an unrealistic and consequently unhealthy standard of beauty. Because not everyone can conform, many women will enter the arms race of diets, beauty products, and plastic surgery. Because no woman can maintain this body type for- ever, she will eventually fail to measure up.This would be far less troubling
   

   if we as a society could recognize the absurdity of these standards. The worry, however, is that men and women unconsciously equate a woman’s worth with her ability to conform. And there is the added worry that the women who are perpetually dedicated to approximating these stand- ards will find themselves living an unbalanced life in which tanning and exercise push out their education and interpersonal relationships.
   

   Fifth, the rise of raunch culture risks promoting an unhealthy model of sexual relationships. There is something peculiar, for example, about men passively consuming displays of female sexuality. This is not a model of mutual and reciprocal engagement. Rather, women perform. Men watch. It makes little room for any discussion of female desire.While women might derive some satisfaction from knowing that they are the object of sexual interest, there isn’t a sense of give and take. Or to the extent that there is an exchange between the participants, it is he saying “take it off ” and she deciding whether and how to comply.This does not send the message that women and men are equal partners in sexual encounters, but threatens to reinforce old stereotypes encouraging women to serve their men.
   

   Note the contrast with other forms of exhibitionism. Skinny dipping, for example, is joint activity in which men and women share similar goals (swimming and revelry) and occupy similar positions (everyone is naked). There’s no push to be as raunchy as a person possibly can and there are fewer opportunities for women to pander to screaming men. Skinny dip- ping typically occurs among friends and lovers, but the size of the group is irrelevant. Alternatively, we might imagine thousands of people march- ing naked through the city. This might be a collective act of protest or a simple expression of camaraderie. Like skinny dipping, there is common participation in a mutual goal.While superficially similar to women going wild, skinny dipping and naked marches do not promote the same kind of unhealthy sexual relationships because they do not reinforce power asymmetries or the objectification of women.
   

   None of these considerations are conclusive, but they do suggest that women should think carefully about whether they ought to want to bare their breasts, drop their pants, or simulate sex with other women for a crowd of cheering onlookers. Men should think carefully about what screaming “take it off” says about their values, interests, and ideals.
   

   It is possible for a woman to go wild with self-respect. I can imagine a self-confident woman who quite consciously decides to take a walk on the wild side. She retains the right to forgo any activity that violates her personal standards or conflicts with her considered values. She may live to regret the choice, but she is aware of the various pitfalls just described.
   

   For example, having spent several years as nude model for art classes on campus, she is prepared to live with visual representations of her naked- ness. Though a raunchy video is not the same as an artistic endeavor, she hopes it will stand as a testament to her adventurous spirit. If her body happens to conform to conventional standards of beauty, she might be delighted by the prospect of being considered a “hottie.” If not, she may enjoy exposing her older, larger, or more ordinary brand of nakedness. Either way, she doesn’t equate her sense of self-worth with her physical attributes, and she will not give up other worthy pursuits in search of unrealistic standards of beauty. Moreover, she is not unduly influenced by jeering men. She performs, but she does so on her own terms. She might even use the immaturity of men to her advantage and think “if showing my tits will get me free stuff, then I’m okay with that.” She rec- ognizes that this is a warped form of sexual engagement, and she is well aware of the fact that healthier forms exist. She may dabble in this pecu- liar brand of sexuality, but she doesn’t believe that it is the source of meaningful interpersonal engagement.
   

   Most importantly, this adventurous woman has reflected upon whether going wild is something that she ought to want. She concludes that a wild evening or two will not affect the core of who she is as person. She is will- ing to go wild responsibly and live with the consequences. She is reflec- tive about her values and consistently adheres to her personal standards. Further, she derives her sense of worth from her ability to direct her life accordingly. I can’t know how many of the women going wild on camera or on spring break actually share the adventurous woman’s sense of self- worth, but I do hope to have shown what features must be present for a woman to go wild with self-respect.
   

   Thoughtful Sexuality
   

   My goal is not to endorse sexual repression or offer an unduly narrow conception of acceptable sexual expression.To the contrary, any adequate account of college sexuality will need to allow for a wide variety of per- sonal expression, including public nudity. College life is about book learn- ing, but it is also a time for experimentation and self-creation. My aim is to encourage all of us to be thoughtful about how we choose to express ourselves and this includes how we express ourselves sexually. It is not enough to adhere mindlessly to cultural norms or haphazardly accept
   

   some standard of behavior. Rather, we come into our own as people when we decide which values we ought to endorse and why. Self-respecting people are responsive to reasons and willing to alter their values, interests, and ideals when the evidence suggests that they should do so. Despite our best efforts, we sometimes sell ourselves short. Mistakes happen. When they do, a self-respecting person will hold himself accountable. However, it is also the case that some consequences can be foreseen and some values shown to be unhealthy. This underlines the importance of self-reflection. A person’s sense of self-worth and her ability to live a meaningful life is tied to this capacity. Given the rise of raunch culture, women (and men) must decide whether such displays are in keeping with their values, inter- ests, and ideals. It is far from clear that this is something that women (and men) ought to want. If a woman has any hope of going wild with self- respect, she must consider the question, take ownership of the choice, and be willing to live with the consequences.
   

   NOTES
   

   1. Thanks are owed to Kimberly Blessing, Julian Cole, Bethany Delecki-Earns, and Jason Grinnell for their comments on previous drafts.
      

   2. Ariel Levy,
      Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture
      

      (New York: Free Press, 2005).
      

   3. Ibid., p. 9.
      

   4. Meghan Daum, “Rauch is Rebranded as ‘Confidence,’”
      Los Angeles Times
      , March 15, 2008, available online at www.articles.latimes
      .com/2008/mar/15/ opinion/oe-daum15 (accessed July 29, 2009).
      

   5. Robin Dillon, “Introduction,” in Robin Dillon (ed.)
      Dignity, Character, Self- Respect
      (New York: Routledge, 1995), pp. 2–3.
      

   6. Thomas Hill, “Servility and Self-Respect,” in
      Autonomy and Self-Respect
      

      (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1991), pp. 4–24.
      

   7. Ibid., p. 5.
      

   8. Harry Frankfurt,
      Taking Ourselves Seriously and Getting it Right
      (Stanford: Stanford University Press, 2006), p. 2.
      

   9. For further discussion of this point, see Lynne McFall, “Integrity,”
      Ethics
      98 (1987): 5–20.
      

   10. Thomas Hill, “Self-Respect Reconsidered” in
       Autonomy and Self Respect
       , pp. 19–24.
       

   11. Immanuel Kant,
       Grounding for the Metaphysics of Morals
       , trans. James
       

       W. Ellington (Indianapolis: Hackett, 1993).
       

   12. Levy,
       Female Chauvinist Pigs
       , p. 13.
       

YOLAND A ESTES

CHAPTER 16

MUTUAL RESPECT

AND SEXUAL MORALITY

How to Have College Sex Well