College Sex - Philosophy for Everyone: Philosophers With Benefits (34 page)

Sexual Morality is a Required Course

One nice thing about college is that you will prob- ably have the opportunity to have lots of sex. Sex is great. Enjoy it. But while you’re doing it, put in some time and effort to make your college years a period of morally positive growth and sexually ful- filling development. I offer the following reflec- tions on mutually respectful sexual interaction in the hope that my insights will prove useful to col-

lege students of many philosophical and sexual stripes. I hope my essay will illuminate your own thinking about sexual morality, but that is all I can accomplish here, so don’t treat this essay as a college student’s exhaustive or definitive manual to sex or sexual morality. When I talk about sex, I mean the vast range of possible interactions and relation- ships between human beings – however rare, weird, gross, brief, or tenu- ous – that arouse and satisfy someone’s sex drive. It isn’t actually relevant to my discussion whether your individual notion of sex is heterosexual petting and kissing with your steady girl or guy, bisexual heavy flogging and anal fisting with a group of friends, or homosexual hula-hooping in a tub of green Jell-O with a perfect stranger. My message is that many of the sexual activities, interactions, and relationships a college student might have the opportunity to enjoy can be morally right but that sex

poses serious moral quandaries for all of us and that we must address these difficulties before we have the right to enjoy ourselves sexually.

Morality and Sexuality

As a philosopher, I regard human self-consciousness and freedom as fun- damental to all other sorts of consciousness. In other words, I believe that our awareness of other things and other people depends on an imme- diate awareness of ourselves as thinking and active. From a moral per- spective, I identify humanity with its free capacity to conceive and will its own goals. Unlike non-sentient or non-selfconscious organic and syn- thetic things (such as carrots, amoebas, bicycles, and computers), human beings freely determine their own goals (choose and plan what they want to be or to accomplish in the future) and freely will those goals (act to realize their concepts of the future). Thus, because human beings freely determine and will their own goals, they have dignity (or priceless worth as ends in themselves) as opposed to organic and synthetic things that have a price value (for which they might be bought and sold as mere means to an end).

A succinct, simplified account of my approach to morality would run as follows: first, human beings are free, so they have dignity; second, human beings have dignity, so they deserve respect; and third, human beings deserve respect, so they should always treat themselves and others with respect. We should eschew actions that undermine human freedom and dignity – and we should engage in actions that promote human free- dom and dignity – in ourselves and in others. Instinctive, or common- sense, notions of basic human decency also suggest that all human relations – even the sexual relations between college students – should involve mutually respectful interactions.

We become familiar with our common human dignity by engaging in interactions with others that display mutual respect for our common human freedom. Some actions regarding ourselves and others preclude mutual respect. Manipulating (with lies or other deceptions) or coercing (with physical or psychological force) another person to perform an action she would not otherwise perform could not promote mutual respect. Seizing or damaging another person’s things without his permis- sion, or imprisoning or injuring his body, or attempting to control his psyche, would be disrespectful of his humanity.We would show no respect

for ourselves if we compromised the freedom of our thoughts and deeds or sacrificed the integrity of our possessions, bodies, and minds. Mutual respect also requires some actions regarding ourselves and others. Helping (with tangible or intangible charity) or encouraging (with advice or persuasion) another to pursue her personally or humanly needful interests and to realize her morally obligatory goals would support mutual respect. Treating another person’s possessions, body, or mind with con- sideration or benevolence is respectful of his humanity. We should show the same respect for ourselves by using our talents and other resources to their full potential and by caring for our possessions, bodies, and minds. Your sexual interaction with others is one of many social contexts that you’ll experience in college wherein you will come to know yourself as a human being, so your sexual interactions are not morally neutral ground. Our perceptions of ourselves and others as human beings are profoundly influenced by the integration of sexuality within our lives. Sex expresses our individual humanity, but not all sexual interactions involve mutual respect for our humanity. Some reflect an attempt to manipulate or coerce another person without promoting her dignity and freedom or to use another as a mere means without deferring to his humanity. We should avoid sexual actions that undermine human freedom and dignity – and we should engage in sexual actions that promote human freedom and dignity

– in ourselves and others. Basic human decency also suggests that human sexual relations should involve mutually respectful sexual interaction.

Some sexual actions concerning ourselves and others exclude the pos- sibility of mutual respect. Mutual respect also requires us to do certain things in our sexual interactions. Coercing another person to perform a sexual action he would not otherwise perform (e.g., by deceiving, manip- ulating, or drugging him) can’t promote mutual respect. Sexually using another person without her permission (e.g., using bodily threat or force when she is unwilling to offer her sexual favors and having sex with her when she is too mentally or physically incapacitated to offer sexual favors) is disrespectful to her humanity. Engaging in sexual activities that pose significant risks to anyone’s health and life (because we have not taken due precautions against disease or injury, because we are too incapaci- tated to exercise due prudence, or because the activities are inherently and unduly hazardous) or engaging in sexual activities that pose signifi- cant risk of pregnancy (because we have not taken due contraceptive precaution) for which we are unable or unwilling to take responsibility does wrong to ourselves and others. We show neither regard nor respect for ourselves if we fail to safeguard our consensual participation in sexual

activities or to protect ourselves from physical and mental injury in our sexual activities. Helping or encouraging others to realize their person- ally and humanly needful goals or their morally obligatory goals while engaging in sexual activity supports mutual respect. Treating others’ bodies or minds with consideration or benevolence while engaging in sexual activity is respectful of their humanity. We should show the same regard and respect for ourselves by caring for our bodies and minds within the sexual context.

Criteria of Mutually Respectful Sexual Interaction

Mutual respect requires that sexual partners give explicit, or at least implicit, expression of their voluntary participation in the sexual act. Additionally, it demands that each sexual partner exhibits concern for the other’s interests and needs insofar as their wellbeing includes and extends beyond their sexual wellbeing. Finally, it compels that each sex- ual partner attend to the other’s desires.

Reciprocal consent means that each partner shows that he chooses to engage in particular sexual activities with a particular partner at a par- ticular time. It is necessary for mutual respect because without some- one’s indication that she is a willing sexual partner, we have every reason to suspect that she is the unwilling sexual victim of some compulsion or coercion. Reciprocal concern means that each partner demonstrates regard for his partner’s personal, human, and moral wellbeing. It is essen- tial for mutual respect because we cannot separate our sexuality from our personality, humanity, or general interests and needs. Without some evi- dence of each partner’s consideration for the other’s interests and needs, we have grounds for thinking that the sexual interaction could under- mine at least one partner’s wellbeing. Reciprocal desire means that each partner expresses complementary expectations and goals for her sexual interaction and that each partner attempts to satisfy those expectations and goals within her sexual interaction. It is necessary for mutual respect because sex without desire results in sensual or emotional dissatisfaction at best and physical or psychological trauma at worst.

We must communicate with our partner in order to assure that recipro- cal consent, concern, and desire exist. Communication of consent, con- cern, and desire could be fairly direct, explicit, and specific or it could be fairly indirect, implicit, and vague. For example, you might say to some

enticing somebody, “My, you’re delicious; I’d love to jump your lovely bones right now” and this appealing, consenting partner might reply, “You’re pretty scrumptious yourself: the condoms are in the bathroom.” As you and your delightful partner begin to interact, he might suggest “I’m just crazy about giving oral sex,” and you might respond desirously, “My favorite: enjoy.” In the course of things, you might murmur, “This is so much fun, but I promised to help my friend with his homework tonight and I’ve got an early class tomorrow” and your concerned fellow enthusi- ast might exclaim “Aw, that’s too bad: Maybe we can continue where we left off after your class tomorrow. Say, do you like green Jell-O?” Of course, many communications of consent, concern, and desire are not as clearly evident. You can probably imagine how this same series of communica- tions could have been achieved more subtly.The issue is not how the com- munication was achieved, but that each partner possessed a reasonable, conscientious belief that reciprocal consent, concern, and desire existed.

Achieving mutually respectful sexual interaction would be easy if there were some fail-safe, trouble-free method for obtaining a reasonable, con- scientious belief that reciprocal consent, concern, and desire existed. Unfortunately, there are no fail-safe, trouble-free methods.We can some- times be uncertain about our own volition, needs, interests, and desires, so we can never be certain about our sexual partner’s. Moreover, admira- tion, affection, or even love for a sexual partner fails to guarantee recipro- cal consent, concern, and desire. We have only indicators, more or less precise, and signs, more or less ambiguous, to guide our deeds, which, ultimately, we must judge before the rational tribunal of our conscience. Despite these difficulties, we are morally obliged to make a strong effort to solicit, recognize, and interpret compelling evidence of our sexual partner’s volition, interests, and desires.

Does this obligation imply that sexual partners must sign a legally bind- ing contract that specifies their desires and expectations, describes their intended activities, and states their voluntary participation prior to every sexual interaction? No. Moreover, no legal contract could provide certain assurance of a partner’s consent, concern, and desire. Does this obligation entail that a sexual partner must accommodate his partner’s every sexual whim or devote every iota of his energy to making his partner personally, humanly, and morally fulfilled? No. Moreover, no effort could guarantee a partner’s fulfillment. There are no certain assurances or guarantees, but there are ways to increase the possibility of reciprocal consent, con- cern, and desire.We can try to learn as much about our partner as possible by communicating with her about sexual desires, general interests, and

other subjects. This reduces the chance of miscommunications and misunderstandings with our partner.We can take time to gain some sexual knowledge of our partner by proceeding cautiously and unhurriedly in the initial stages of a sexual relationship.This increases the chance of correctly interpreting and addressing expressions of consent, expectation, and desire. Before, during, and after sexual interactions, we can solicit more explicit, specific expressions of our partner’s thoughts and feelings; observe our partner’s reactions carefully; and reflect diligently on what we hear and see. This enhances the possibility of reciprocal consent, concern, and desire while improving our sexual technique and our opportunity for a repeat performance (or maybe even the addition of a hula-hoop or two).

An additional way of keeping sexually charged relationships and inter- actions in moral perspective is to compare them to analogous non-sexual relationships and interactions. If you were intoxicated, ill, distraught, exhausted, or if your capacity to choose and to communicate were other- wise compromised, would you think that you consented for someone to borrow your car or debit card simply because you left your keys or purse readily accessible? Probably not. Thus, you should probably question a sexual partner’s consent if his capacity to choose and communicate is somehow impaired. For example, when the new-found object of your desires gets food-poisoning, flunks his physics exam, and spends the rest of the afternoon crying and drinking shots, you should probably put him to bed rather than take him to bed.

If you were involved in a relationship or interaction that served the other participant’s needs and interests but undermined your wellbeing, would you believe that she was concerned about you? Most likely not. Thus, you should most likely doubt your own concern for a partner if your sexual relationship or interaction seems to undermine their needs and interests. For example, when aspects of your sexual relationship and interactions lead your main squeeze to neglect his studies, lose interest in the things that matter to him, abuse drugs, or tell lies, you should most likely change those aspects of your relationship or change sexual part- ners. If someone begged, threatened, pestered, bribed, or cajoled you into doing something for her that you didn’t appear eager to do, would you consider that your expectations and desires had been addressed? Surely not. Thus, you should surely suspect that your partner’s expecta- tions and desires were disregarded if you begged, threatened, pestered, bribed, or cajoled him into doing something sexual for you that he didn’t appear eager to do. For example, when you express expectations and desires for things – like marriage, or anal sex, or green Jell-O – that your