Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids (23 page)

There are also many less obvious benefits of marriage that are frequently denied to gay partners. Spouses are invited to graduations, award dinners and orientations. They are acknowledged in speeches that laud the achievements of their partners. When a soldier dies, his or her spouse is given the flag in recognition of the loss. Spouses are compensated in the case of tragedy, such as the monetary support offered by the government and charities to the spouses of the victims of September 11. Spouses are the topic
of informal but important conversations. Small disclosures about family and spouses create personal connections that smooth the path of professional relations. In some cases, spouses are expected to stand up for their wives or husbands in a display of family pride, as politicians do when campaigning.

MARRIAGE LAWS AND THEIR EFFECT ON LGB HEALTH AND WELL-BEING

In a thorough review of the effects of marriage on health, Dr. Robert G. Wood, Dr. Brian Goesling and Dr. Sarah Avellar of Mathematica Policy Research identified marital benefits related to healthcare access, mental health and effects on children. They found that married people have better access to private health insurance and receive care in higher-quality hospitals. Men and women in stable marriages have fewer depressive symptoms and smaller increases in depressive symptoms over time as compared to men and women in stable unmarried relationships. In addition, entry into a first marriage is associated with a decline in alcohol and marijuana use in young adults. Children who grow up in two-parent families live longer and enjoy better adult health than children from single-parent families.
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While these results are likely based primarily on heterosexual marriages, there is little reason to think that gay marriage would not confer similar benefits. I strongly suspect that the psychological benefit of marriage for gay couples surpasses that of heterosexual couples due to its de-stigmatizing effect.

Conversely, anti-gay marriage amendments and the campaigns associated with them have taken a toll on the health and well-being of gays and lesbians and their children by turning them into second-class citizens in the eyes of the law.
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Psychologist Dr. Sharon Scales, along with Dr. Ellen Riggle, Dr. Sharon Horne and Dr. Angela Miller, found higher levels of stress, depressive symptoms and negative affect among LGBs who lived in the nine states that passed anti-gay marriage amendments during the 2006 election when compared with LGBs from states who did not pass such amendments. The psychological distress was attributed to exposure to negative media messages, negative conversations and feelings about the passage of the amendment.
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When my state passed its anti-gay marriage amendment, I was devastated. My feelings ran the gamut from disbelief to rage to despair. I could not accept the fact that people were voting on something as personal as whom I married. As I walked around the streets of my town and down the halls of my workplace, I wondered which people might have voted against my rights. I felt alienated from my state and even from those around me who had occupied a seat of power over my freedom. Before the law was passed, I could rationalize away some of the stress I experienced when I heard negative chatter about gays. I could tell myself that the people I knew didn’t think that way. After the law passed, it was harder to do so. The slander I heard almost daily on the TV and radio regarding the passage of the amendment robbed me of considerable mental resources for some time. As a direct consequence of this experience, I began writing about gay rights.

S
uze Orman, the well-known financial advisor, stated on
The View,
“My social issue affects my financial issue. And the reason why it affects my financial issue is that if I die, Kathy—my partner—is going to lose 50 percent of what I have because we can’t be married.”

Survey your state or national statutes relevant to LGBTQs. The Human Rights Campaign Web site has information in a number of accessible and understandable formats. If you explore the laws, you’ll discover that a wide range of regulations impact LGBTQs. One key law you’ll want to know about: Does the state in which your daughter or son lives prevent employers from firing based on sexual orientation? The majority of states do not offer such protection, leaving LGBTQs victim to the biases of their employers. On the other hand, towns, cities and individual employers sometimes provide such protection in the absence of state law. My employer includes LGBTQs in its documented commitment to nondiscrimination in hiring and firing, even though the State of Michigan offers no such protection. It is important that your daughter or son know if s/he is afforded employment protection from at least one of these entities. I would be hesitant to sign an employment contract without it.

Advocate to change employment biases and, until this happens, advise your son or daughter to protect him or herself in the absence of
employment or housing rights by avoiding locales that allow discrimination. There is quite a bit your child can and should do to protect his or her rights regarding a relationship. If your child has a life partner whom s/he cannot marry, both partners will need to complete some important paperwork. While it is best for your child and the partner to see an attorney who specializes in such matters, I offer some suggestions:

Each partner should meet with his or her primary care provider (PCP) to complete a document called a Medical Durable Power of Attorney. This form may have a different title in your state, but your child’s PCP will be well acquainted with the state’s version and have copies in the office. The Medical Durable Power of Attorney tells the PCP and hospital providers what types of treatment the patient prefers and does not prefer in the event of a medical crisis, if the patient is unable to make decisions for him or herself. It allows the patient to state whom s/he chooses to make these decisions instead.

Incompetence is a temporary mental state. Be aware that people are incompetent for certain decisions at certain times. A patient who is unconscious cannot make any decisions. One who has a mild brain injury is competent for some decisions but not necessarily for all decisions. If the patient is deemed unable to care for him or herself and this condition is expected to be long lasting or permanent, then the court appoints a legal guardian. A legal guardian will sometimes have the authority to make many types of decisions for the patient, including financial and medical decisions, but, if desired, these responsibilities can be divided among different individuals. No one wants to think that a loved one will suffer a major medical crisis, but it does happen. Encourage your adult child to get his or her wishes in writing and to do so long before s/he thinks is necessary. If your child’s life situation changes, s/he can always reverse or alter legal paperwork.

Married couples are bound financially as well as emotionally. Unmarried couples need to ensure this is understood by government, banks and other financial institutions. Make sure that partners hold bank accounts jointly. In the event that one partner becomes ill or dies, the money will still be accessible by the other partner. Likewise, all property should be jointly held: vehicles, homes, rental properties and land. Your child and his or her partner need to write wills, even though they are young and healthy. Failure to do so will result in a lack of recognition of a partner’s rights to property, even property to
which s/he has financially contributed but is not listed as part owner. If your child wants his or her belongings to be passed on to a partner, s/he needs to indicate this in a will.

When state laws prohibit gay marriage and second parent adoption, intentions about children should be made clear in a written document. Imagine that your daughter’s partner bears a child whom they raise together. If the partner, the biological mother of your grandchild, dies before creating a will, your daughter will have no parental rights. If the partner’s parents were hostile toward your daughter and/or their daughter’s lifestyle, they could take custody of your grandchild, leaving you and your daughter with no legal recourse. Even when family members get along well, it is better to be sure there is no reason that courts can delay or object to your daughter’s parental rights. A will prevents such disasters.

Your child needs to talk with his or her employer or the employer’s human resources department about benefits. If the employer does not offer the full range of partner benefits, the employer still may allow your child to select the primary beneficiary for some benefits such as life insurance or a one-time death benefit. Roth, 401(k), 403(b) and IRA accounts allow for an intended beneficiary, which need not be a spouse. Many employers allow employees to opt in for additional life insurance for little extra cost; this is well worth considering for gay couples who, in most states, don’t inherent spousal social security and pension benefits. If a pension benefit, distributed monthly, does not transfer to an unmarried partner, your child might consider taking his or her pension in a lump sum so s/he can transfer the funds to an IRA and list a partner as the beneficiary and a child (the partner’s biological son or daughter) as the co-beneficiary or contingent beneficiary.

Divorce is another matter that could be a problem. In the case of marriage, the court divides property and other assets. Unmarried gay couples, especially those without civil unions, don’t have access to the courts. Like most splitting couples, they may have strong feelings about who should have what. Your child and his or her partner should include among their legal documents agreements related to property in case of separation. One option is to agree to have a legal arbitrator or mediator handle the division of assets.

All couples want to grow old together, in peace. Some assisted living facilities and nursing homes accommodate gay couples. Your son or daughter should explore these institutions and make his or her
wishes clear to children and other family members. It is tragic when a loving couple is denied sharing a room due to an antiquated nursing home rule.

Additionally, gay couples need to talk about other end-of-life issues: whether they want to donate organs, leave their bodies to a medical school, be cremated or be buried together. These wishes need to be clear ahead of time.

Until marriage is completely available to gay couples, they will need to patch together these legal protections to ensure that their wishes are honored.

T
o be happy, a person has to love him or herself. If shame is not jettisoned at liftoff, it will be hard for your child to leave the ground, let alone soar. When gays accept their sexual orientations and reject negative beliefs about homosexuality, they have every chance for happiness. Journalist Andrew Sullivan states in
The Daily Beast,
“And as I experienced intimacy and love for the first time as an adult, all that brittleness of the gay adolescent, all that white-knuckled embarrassment, all those ruses and excuses and dark, deep depressions lifted. Yes, this was happiness.”
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A study by Suffolk University psychology professor Dr. Jane A. Bybee and her contemporaries compared gay and heterosexual men at two age points (eighteen to twenty-four and twenty-five to forty-eight) and found that gay men twenty-five and older showed fewer mental health problems on measures of depression, suicidality, anger, negative self-esteem, emotional instability and emotional unresponsiveness as compared to younger gay men. Decreases in chronic shame accounted, in part, for the age-related decreases in depression. In fact, the mental health of gay and heterosexual men over twenty-five years of age appeared quite similar, particularly among men who were out and accepting of their sexual orientations.
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Similarly, psychologists Dr. Anthony D’Augelli and Dr. Arnold Grossman found that lower
internalized homophobia in older LGBs was associated with a lower lifetime prevalence of suicidal thinking and less loneliness.
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Unfortunately, the majority of studies conducted on the LGBTQ population focus on minority stress and the toll it takes on the health of gays and lesbians. There is only a smattering of studies that explore the positive aspects of being gay. As discussed earlier, University of Akron researchers Michelle Vaughan and Charles Waehler discovered “coming out growth”—strengths spawned from dumping homophobia and integrating sexual orientation; strengths that enhanced successful navigation through the broader scope of social-developmental tasks.

Dr. Ellen Riggle, professor at the University of Kentucky, and several of her peers asked over five hundred gays and lesbians from forty-five states how positive they felt about being gay or lesbian. Ninety percent of respondents said they felt “extremely positive” or “very positive,” 8.5 percent were “somewhat positive” and only 1 percent were “not very positive” or “not at all positive.” The researchers also asked participants what they thought was positive about being gay. The many responses received can be grouped into three themes:
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Gays and lesbians felt that being gay made them more sensitive to oppression and more empathic toward those who are discriminated against for any reason.

                  
Not everyone who is exposed to oppression becomes more empathic. The frequent mention of this among gays and lesbians in this study is interesting and worth more investigation. In this study, many of the participants were able to connect unfairness done to them with unfairness done to others. Respondents said that being gay gave them a deeper, richer insight into the nuances of discrimination. There was courage gained in having shrugged off mainstream expectations, enabling a greater willingness to advocate for those being discriminated against, as well as a general comfort in speaking up. Empathy appeared to be enhanced by hard-earned authenticity. Having searched one’s soul to discover the true self, gays and lesbians reported feeling present in their relationships with others, thus enhancing the empathic connection.