Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids (10 page)

BOOK: Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids
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What would you do if you found out that your child was being bullied at school? The first instinct for many parents is to run to their children’s defense. The next instinct might be to blame the school administrators for letting it happen. Some parents might teach their children to fight back. No matter what action you take, you will probably feel a degree of helplessness. In this chapter, I provide information and practical advice that will help you combat the problem of school bullying.

Bullying is a massive problem, affecting millions of school children worldwide each year.
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While any child is at risk of being bullied, those who identify as LGBTQ experience more school bullying than their heterosexual peers. A survey of over seven thousand American adolescents between the ages of fourteen and twenty-two found that those who identified as mostly heterosexual, gay,
lesbian or bisexual were more likely to be bullied than those who identified as heterosexual. The study also reviewed bullying behaviors by LGBs. Gay boys were much less likely to report bullying others than were heterosexual boys. While no lesbians in the study reported bullying others, girls who identified as mostly heterosexual and bisexual were more likely to bully others than were heterosexual girls.
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There is some evidence to suggest that students in the process of questioning their sexual orientations are at greater risk of being bullied than those who identify as gay. One study of over seven thousand seventh and eighth graders from the Midwest found that students questioning their sexual orientations reported the most bullying, the most homophobic victimization, the most alcohol and marijuana abuse, the most feelings of depression and suicidality and were more often truant than either heterosexuals or LGB students.
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More research is needed to understand the heightened risk associated with students questioning their sexual orientations. I theorize that perhaps children who clearly identify as gay benefit from the social support of their peer group. It may also be that identifying as gay suggests a certain level of maturity and confidence; having taken this step, gay children may present to peers as more assertive and therefore are less likely to be victimized.

Children, both gay and straight, who are perceived as gender nonconforming are also at risk for victimization.
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Because adolescents conflate gender with sexual orientation, gender nonconforming children are typically harassed for being “gay,” whether or not they are gay. The more gender nonconforming, the more likely a child will experience bullying at school.
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Those children who identify as transgender are at greatest risk for being bullied.
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About two-thirds of all gender nonconforming adolescents report being verbally harassed and about one-third report being physically harassed at school.
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In fact, most gender nonconforming children have their first experiences with physical victimization on school grounds.
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Texting, online chat rooms and social networking sites have opened the door to a new kind of bullying: electronic or cyber-bullying.

The consequences of school bullying are significant. Bullied youths have more unexcused absences, drug use, depression and suicidal behaviors than their peers.
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They tend to isolate themselves,
withdraw from school activities and fail to thrive academically.
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They also are at risk for somatic problems such as headaches and abdominal pain.
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Adolescents who are chronic victims of bullying may be more at risk for psychotic symptoms later in life as well as post-traumatic stress disorder.
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Cyberbullying results in many of the same psychosocial problems experienced by those bullied in school settings.
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This may be due, in part, to the fact that adolescents who are bullied electronically are often bullied in the school setting as well.
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School bullying doesn’t harm just the victims. Everyone in the school community suffers when a school becomes a battleground and everyone benefits when bullying is stopped. The study of Midwest seventh and eighth graders found that children who described their schools as being positive environments where homophobic teasing did not occur had the lowest levels of depression, suicidal feelings, alcohol and marijuana use and unexcused absences.
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If a school’s administration has the political will to end bullying, it can. A meta-analysis of forty-four anti-bullying school programs showed that when anti-bullying programs are employed, they are effective: on average, these programs decreased bullying by 20 to 23 percent and victimization by 17 to 20 percent. The more intensive programs were more effective, as were programs that included parent meetings, firm disciplinary action and better playground supervision.
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The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) offers clear guidance for school administrators seeking to end school violence. The CDC recommends that schools encourage respect, prohibit bullying, create “safe spaces” where bullied youths can seek support from counselors, teachers and school staff, encourage gay-affirming student groups such as the Gay-Straight Alliance, utilize health education curricula and materials that are LGBTQ inclusive, train all school staff on how to facilitate mutual respect regardless of sexual or gender orientation and facilitate access to LGBTQ-friendly healthcare providers.
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I have a few more recommendations to add to this list of suggested changes. Schools need to assess where bullying most often occurs and consider making changes to the physical environment of those settings. For instance, gender-neutral bathrooms may help reduce harassment of transgender students. Also, teachers and staff who create and develop
school activities should be mindful of language and roles that may limit LGBTQ involvement.

 

Joe’s Story

Joe, who is biologically female, has a male gender orientation. He has been in several scuffles at school due to his transgender orientation, but his performance in school is very good and his outlook about the future is hopeful. He works part-time at a local ice cream place. The owner has taken Joe under his wing and recently promoted him to manager. One day the manager called Joe’s parents and told them that he was worried about Joe. Apparently, Joe had started to use the boys’ bathroom and some students had been pushing him around.

When Joe came home that night, his parents told him that they knew about Joe’s using the boys’ bathroom. Joe told his parents that he can handle any problems and not to worry. Joe’s mother asked Joe if he could use the women’s bathroom for one more year until he graduates high school. Joe replied, “Absolutely not!”

A few weeks later, the school principal called Joe’s parents to tell them Joe had been frequently absent for the past month. Joe’s parents told him that skipping school was not the answer and they scheduled a meeting with the principal the next day.

Joe is still a child and children need their parents to intervene in unsafe situations. Joe’s attempts to handle the abuse didn’t work; quietly dropping out of school is not a solution. Joe may resist his parents’ interventions for fear that they will draw attention to him and make matters worse. I counseled Joe’s parents that they need to assure him that they won’t send him back to an unsafe situation. If they can’t remedy the problem with the help of school administrators, they should not make him return to that school. But they should insist that he finish high school.

A caring, competent principal may be able to come up with some creative solutions. If the abuse is contained to the bathroom, the principal might try converting one of the bathrooms, preferably one near the watchful eye of staff, into a gender-neutral bathroom. If that’s not possible, s/he might consider letting Joe use the staff bathroom for the remainder of the year. If
there isn’t a Gay-Straight Alliance at the high school, the principal should work with school leaders and teachers to create one. If Joe is being harassed, it’s likely that other children are being harassed as well and that the school is not doing enough for LGBTQ students. Gay-Straight Alliance groups use positive peer pressure to discourage harassment and it works. Though Joe may not like it, the principal should also discipline school bullies quickly and unequivocally so that every child in the school understands that harassment will not be tolerated.

If Joe gives the school another try, his parents should keep a close eye on the situation and act swiftly if problems reoccur. Joe should not be asked to “stick out” the year if he feels unsafe. If the school’s efforts don’t work, his parents will need to consider alternative ways for him to complete schooling. He should not be blamed or made to feel inadequate. The school has failed him; he did not fail the school.

Home schooling may prove to be least disruptive, especially because Joe has a steady record of doing well academically. Joe’s parents may want to consider community college programs that allow high school students to complete their requirements by taking college classes, thereby obtaining college credits as well. Some high schools now offer credit for engaging in work experiences off school grounds. Joe may also benefit from meeting with the school counselor or a therapist. The therapist could provide Joe with a place to vent and may also be able to provide practical advice for dealing with bullies.

If the principal does his job well, Joe will be more optimistic about asking for help the next time he needs it. Joe will never forget that his parents put in a great effort for his safety, for his education and to understand his gender orientation. Transgender youths shouldn’t fall victim to the belief that their futures are constricted by their gender orientations. Joe’s parents, by their unwavering support, make it clear that they see the possibilities and they expect Joe to see the possibilities too.

 

WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?

Victims of bullying are less likely to be assertive. If your child is a victim of bullying, I suggest you arrange for your child to attend sessions with a counselor who has a social skills focus. This type of counseling
will help your child manage conflict more effectively and may help reduce the risk of being bullied.

When children are bullied, it increases the risk of suicide. That risk is further exacerbated by feelings of rejection at home and by family discordance.
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If you and your spouse are having difficulties in your relationship, you can help your child by working them out. When you manage conflicts at home in a calm and respectful manner, you teach your child how to do the same. If you are a victim or a perpetrator of partner violence, get help. You child will feel defeated if both school and home are battlefields. If you or your spouse suffers from an untreated mental health disorder, like major depression, pursue treatment. Untreated depression depletes a person of energy. It also leaves a person with a sense of hopelessness and foreboding—feelings you don’t want your child to adopt. It is important for children to know, especially bullied children, that their parents are there for them and home is a safe place. Take care of yourself so you are available to take care of your child.

What can you do as a parent to ensure that your child will not have to endure school bullying? Find out if your child’s school has an antidiscrimination policy and if that policy includes LGBTQs. If it doesn’t, become an advocate and demand that the administration create one. Ask school administrators what they are doing to educate children about sexual orientation and gender identity and to foster a positive school environment where all children are treated with respect and dignity. Every school should have a well-articulated and well-supported policy in place that teachers and staff can follow if they witness bullying or if they are informed of cyberbullying. Inquire how recently the school administration assessed bullying among students. What was the method(s) of the assessment (e.g., anonymous surveys)? What were the results of the assessment? Based on the results, do you, as a parent, think the administration is doing enough to put an end to bullying? If you get resistance from teachers or the principal, take your concern to the school board or to the superintendent of schools. Refer also to the resources in the appendix, many of which provide educational handouts and example letters for your use.

Some towns are more gay-friendly than others. Where my family lives, the stores have rainbow stickers on the windows. When a gay couple walks down the street holding hands, they attract no more attention than would a heterosexual couple. Movie posters, without
censure, feature gay themes.
Between the Lines,
a gay newspaper, is delivered to breakfast joints and people read it without fear of reprisal while sipping coffee and munching on bagels. The bookstores have “gay interest” sections. There are even churches boasting signs that invite LGBTQs to be a part of their congregations. The local schools have posters in the hallways that make it clear that homophobia and bullying won’t be tolerated.

I work in a town that is only an hour away from where I live, but my experience of that school system and community is much different. In fifteen years, I have never once seen a same-sex couple holding hands in public there. The Academy Award-winning movie
Brokeback Mountain,
which features a gay couple, did not play in local theaters. I have never seen a rainbow sticker posted at any public establishment.

I provide therapy for some LGBTQ adolescents. The children whom I counsel report that their schools are not gay-friendly. Once, with my client’s permission, I contacted a school counselor to let her know that my client was experiencing difficulties at school because the teen was gay. The counselor revealed that she knew she was supposed to offer support to gay students, but she did not agree with homosexuality. I offered to come to the school at no charge and give a talk for staff and teachers about the experiences and needs of LGBTQ children. The counselor told me that she didn’t think the principal would approve and she didn’t take me up on my offer. In situations like this, I help the children I counsel manage their school environments by being selective when coming out and by making use of support systems outside of the school setting.

BOOK: Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids
11.18Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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