Complete Works of Rudyard Kipling (Illustrated) (506 page)

I drew him aside, whispering, “Shaynor seemed going off into some sort of fit when I spoke to you just now. I thought, even at the risk of being rude, it wouldn’t do to take you off your instruments just as the call was coming through. Don’t you see?”

“Granted — granted as soon as asked,” he said unbending. “I
did
think it a shade odd at the time. So that was why he knocked the chair down?”

“I hope I haven’t missed anything,” I said. “I’m afraid I can’t say that, but you’re just in time for the end of a rather curious performance. You can come in, too, Mr. Shaynor. Listen, while I read it off.”

The Morse instrument was ticking furiously. Mr. Cashell interpreted: “‘
K.K.V. Can make nothing of your signals
.’” A pause. “‘
M.M.V. M.M.V. Signals unintelligible. Purpose anchor Sandown Bay. Examine instruments to-morrow.’
Do you know what that means? It’s a couple of men-o’-war working Marconi signals off the Isle of Wight. They are trying to talk to each other. Neither can read the other’s messages, but all their messages are being taken in by our receiver here. They’ve been going on for ever so long. I wish you could have heard it.”

“How wonderful!” I said. “Do you mean we’re overhearing Portsmouth ships trying to talk to each other — that we’re eavesdropping across half South England?”

“Just that. Their transmitters are all right, but their receivers are out of order, so they only get a dot here and a dash there. Nothing clear.”

“Why is that?”

“God knows — and Science will know to-morrow. Perhaps the induction is faulty; perhaps the receivers aren’t tuned to receive just the number of vibrations per second that the transmitter sends. Only a word here and there. Just enough to tantalise.”

Again the Morse sprang to life.

“That’s one of ‘em complaining now. Listen: ‘
Disheartening — most disheartening
.’ It’s quite pathetic. Have you ever seen a spiritualistic seance? It reminds me of that sometimes — odds and ends of messages coming out of nowhere — a word here and there — no good at all.”

“But mediums are all impostors,” said Mr. Shaynor, in the doorway, lighting an asthma-cigarette. “They only do it for the money they can make. I’ve seen ‘em.”

“Here’s Poole, at last — clear as a bell. L.L.L.
Now
we sha’n’t be long.”
Mr. Cashell rattled the keys merrily. “Anything you’d like to tell ‘em?”

“No, I don’t think so,” I said. “I’ll go home and get to bed. I’m feeling a little tired.”

SONG OF THE OLD GUARD

“And thou shalt make a candlestick of pure gold of beaten work shall the candlestick be made: his shaft and its branches, his bowls, his knops, and his flowers, shall be the same.

“And there shall be a knop under two branches of the same, and a knop under two branches of the same, and a knop under two branches of the same, according to the six branches that proceed out of the candlestick. Their knops and their branches shall be the same.” —
Exodus.

  ”Know this, my brethren, Heaven is clear
    And all the clouds are gone —
  The Proper Sort shall flourish now,
    Good times are coming on” —
  The evil that was threatened late
    To all of our degree,
  Hath passed in discord and debate,
    And,
Hey then up go we!

  A common people strove in vain
    To shame us unto toil,
  But they are spent and we remain,
    And we shall share the spoil
  According to our several needs
    As Beauty shall decree,
  As Age ordains or Birth concedes,
    And,
Hey then up go we!

  And they that with accursed zeal
    Our Service would amend,
  Shall own the odds and come to heel
    Ere worse befall their end
  For though no naked word be wrote
    Yet plainly shall they see
  What pinneth Orders to their coat,
    And,
Hey then up go we!

  Our doorways that, in time of fear,
    We opened overwide
  Shall softly close from year to year
    Till all be purified;
  For though no fluttering fan be heard
    Nor chaff be seen to flee —
  The Lord shall winnow the Lord’s Preferred —
    And,
Hey then up go we!

  Our altars which the heathen brake
    Shall rankly smoke anew,
  And anise, mint, and cummin take
    Their dread and sovereign due,
  Whereby the buttons of our trade
    Shall all restored be
  With curious work in gilt and braid,
    And,
Hey then up go we!

  Then come, my brethren, and prepare
    The candlesticks and bells,
  The scarlet, brass, and badger’s hair
    Wherein our Honour dwells,
  And straitly fence and strictly keep
    The Ark’s integrity
  Till Armageddon break our sleep …
    And,
Hey then up go we!

THE ARMY OF A DREAM

PART I

I sat down in the club smoking-room to fill a pipe.

* * * * *

It was entirely natural that I should be talking to “Boy” Bayley. We had met first, twenty odd years ago, at the Indian mess of the Tyneside Tail-twisters. Our last meeting, I remembered, had been at the Mount Nelson Hotel, which was by no means India, and there we had talked half the night. Boy Bayley had gone up that week to the front, where I think he stayed a long, long time.

But now he had come back.

“Are you still a Tynesider?” I asked.

“I command the Imperial Guard Battalion of the old regiment, my son,” he replied.

“Guard which? They’ve been Fusiliers since Fontenoy. Don’t pull my leg,
Boy.”

“I said Guard, not Guard-s. The I. G. Battalion of the Tail-twisters.
Does that make it any clearer?”

“Not in the least.”

“Then come over to the mess and see for yourself. We aren’t a step from barracks. Keep on my right side. I’m — I’m a bit deaf on the near.”

We left the club together and crossed the street to a vast four-storied pile, which more resembled a Rowton lodging-house than a barrack. I could see no sentry at the gates.

“There ain’t any,” said the Boy lightly. He led me into a many-tabled restaurant full of civilians and grey-green uniforms. At one end of the room, on a slightly raised dais, stood a big table.

“Here we are! We usually lunch here and dine in mess by ourselves. These
are our chaps — but what am I thinking of? You must know most of ‘em.
Devine’s my second in command now. There’s old Luttrell — remember him at
Cherat? — Burgard, Verschoyle (you were at school with him), Harrison,
Pigeon, and Kyd.”

With the exception of this last I knew them all, but I could not remember that they had all been Tynesiders.

“I’ve never seen this sort of place,” I said, looking round. “Half the men here are in plain clothes, and what are those women and children doing?”

“Eating, I hope,” Boy Bayley answered. “Our canteens would never pay if it wasn’t for the Line and Militia trade. When they were first started people looked on ‘em rather as catsmeat-shops; but we got a duchess or two to lunch in ‘em, and they’ve been grossly fashionable since.”

“So I see,” I answered. A woman of the type that shops at the Stores came up the room looking about her. A man in the dull-grey uniform of the corps rose up to meet her, piloted her to a place between three other uniforms, and there began a very merry little meal.

“I give it up,” I said. “This is guilty splendour that I don’t understand.”

“Quite simple,” said Burgard across the table. “The barrack supplies breakfast, dinner, and tea on the Army scale to the Imperial Guard (which we call I. G.) when it’s in barracks as well as to the Line and Militia. They can all invite their friends if they choose to pay for them. That’s where we make our profits. Look!”

Near one of the doors were four or five tables crowded with workmen in the raiment of their callings. They ate steadily, but found time to jest with the uniforms about them; and when one o’clock clanged from a big half-built block of flats across the street, filed out.

“Those,” Devine explained, “are either our Line or Militiamen, as such entitled to the regulation whack at regulation cost. It’s cheaper than they could buy it; an’ they meet their friends too. A man’ll walk a mile in his dinner hour to mess with his own lot.”

“Wait a minute,” I pleaded. “Will you tell me what those plumbers and plasterers and bricklayers that I saw go out just now have to do with what I was taught to call the Line?”

“Tell him,” said the Boy over his shoulder to Burgard. He was busy talking with the large Verschoyle, my old schoolmate.

“The Line comes next to the Guard. The Linesman’s generally a town-bird who can’t afford to be a Volunteer. He has to go into camp in an Area for two months his first year, six weeks his second, and a month the third. He gets about five bob a week the year round for that and for being on duty two days of the week, and for being liable to be ordered out to help the Guard in a row. He needn’t live in barracks unless he wants to, and he and his family can feed at the regimental canteen at usual rates. The women like it.”

“All this,” I said politely, but intensely, “is the raving of delirium. Where may your precious recruit who needn’t live in barracks learn his drill?”

“At his precious school, my child, like the rest of us. The notion of allowing a human being to reach his twentieth year before asking him to put his feet in the first position
was
raving lunacy if you like!” Boy Bayley dived back into the conversation.

“Very good,” I said meekly. “I accept the virtuous plumber who puts in two months of his valuable time at Aldershot —  — ”

“Aldershot!” The table exploded. I felt a little annoyed.

“A camp in an Area is not exactly Aldershot,” said Burgard. “The Line isn’t exactly what you fancy. Some of them even come to
us
!”

“You recruit from ‘em?”

“I beg your pardon,” said Devine with mock solemnity. “The Guard doesn’t recruit. It selects.”

“It would,” I said, “with a Spiers and Pond restaurant; pretty girls to play with; and —  — ”

“A room apiece, four bob a day and all found,” said Verschoyle. “Don’t forget that.”

“Of course!” I said. “It probably beats off recruits with a club.”

“No, with the ballot-box,” said Verschoyle, laughing. “At least in all
R.C. companies.”

“I didn’t know Roman Catholics were so particular,” I ventured.

They grinned. “R.C. companies,” said the Boy, “mean Right of Choice. When a company has been very good and pious for a long time it may, if the C.O. thinks fit, choose its own men — all same one-piecee club. All our companies are R.C.’s, and as the battalion is making up a few vacancies ere starting once more on the wild and trackless ‘heef’ into the Areas, the Linesman is here in force to-day sucking up to our non-coms.”

“Would some one mind explaining to me the meaning of every other word you’ve used,” I said. “What’s a trackless ‘heef’? What’s an Area? What’s everything generally?” I asked.

“Oh, ‘heefs’ part of the British Constitution,” said the Boy. “It began long ago when they’d first mapped out the big military manoeuvring grounds — we call ‘em Areas for short — where the I. G. spend two-thirds of their time and the other regiments get their training. It was slang originally for beef on the hoof, because in the Military Areas two-thirds of your meat-rations at least are handed over to you on the hoof, and you make your own arrangements. The word ‘heef’ became a parable for camping in the Military Areas and all its miseries. There are two Areas in Ireland, one in Wales for hill-work, a couple in Scotland, and a sort of parade-ground in the Lake District; but the real working Areas are in India, Africa, and Australia, and so on.”

“And what do you do there?”

“We ‘heef’ under service conditions, which are rather like hard work. We ‘heef’ in an English Area for about a year, coming into barracks for one month to make up wastage. Then we may ‘heef’ foreign for another year or eighteen months. Then we do sea-time in the war boats —  — ”

“
What-t?
” I said.

“Sea-time,” Bayley repeated. “Just like Marines, to learn about the big guns and how to embark and disembark quick. Then we come back to our territorial headquarters for six months, to educate the Line and Volunteer camps, to go to Hythe, to keep abreast of any new ideas, and then we fill up vacancies. We call those six months ‘Schools,’ Then we begin all over again, thus: Home ‘heef,’ foreign ‘heef,’ sea-time, schools. ‘Heefing’ isn’t precisely luxurious, but it’s on ‘heef’ that we make our head-money.”

“Or lose it,” said the sallow Pigeon, and all laughed, as men will, at regimental jokes.

“The Dove never lets me forget that,” said Boy Bayley. “It happened last March. We were out in the Second Northern Area at the top end of Scotland where a lot of those silly deer forests used to be. I’d sooner ‘heef’ in the middle of Australia myself — or Athabasca, with all respect to the Dove — he’s a native of those parts. We were camped somewhere near Caithness, and the Armity (that’s the combined Navy and Army board that runs our show) sent us about eight hundred raw remounts to break in to keep us warm.”