Confessions of a Naughty Night Nurse (11 page)

‘Great,’ he said. ‘I owe you one.’

‘Mmm, I guess you do.’

He narrowed his eyes and appeared to suppress a grin. ‘I’m not a man who likes to be in debt.’

‘Good, because I don’t like waiting for what I’m owed.’

He chuckled then exited the cubicle.

A warmth spread in my belly. Yes, I was getting pretty close to doing the deed with the hospital hunk. If I could just clear up the matter of him and Iceberg first, get him to confirm that it was all a sick rumour, then it would make the occasion so much more fun.

I turned to Tristan. He was nibbling at his thumbnail, his eyes wide.

I reached for his notes. ‘Please, don’t look so worried. By morning we’ll have you all sorted. You’ll probably even be able to go home, as long as there is someone to keep an eye on you.’

‘I think Nadia, my wife, will go and stay with her sister for a while after this. She said something about that on the way here.’

‘Does she live nearby, the sister?’

‘Hull, not too far.’

I jotted this down in his notes. It was too far. He’d have to stay in longer if he was going home alone. ‘And do you work?’

‘Yep for myself. I’m a farmer.’

‘And Nadia is your next of kin?’

‘Yes, I guess so.’

‘Any kids?’

‘No chance.’

I raised my eyebrows, surprised at the vehement tone in his voice.

He sighed. ‘That’s how all of this started.’

‘All of this …?’

‘Shoving things up my bum. Yeah, that’s why it started. Nadia decided she didn’t want to have sex any more after she accused me, wrongly, of carrying on with another woman nearly a year ago. Damn long time for a man to go without any … you-know-what.’

‘Yes, absolutely.’ Blimey, nearly a year. That’s got to be hard on anyone, but for a nice-looking young farmer in the prime of his life? Not fun and quite likely to push him into an affair if he wasn’t having one before.

‘Thing is,’ he said. ‘When the bloody hell would I have time for another woman? I work all the daylight hours God gives me, seven days a week. Hardly conducive to shagging around. But she wouldn’t let up, kept on and on about the girl at the tractor shop until she’d created this wild, passionate romance in her head. It was just a figment of her imagination. No grounding or truth to it at all.’

‘But you must have told her that. Reassured her?’

‘Yes, course I did. Over and over. But she wouldn’t believe me. In the end I think it must have sent me mad or something.’ He sighed. ‘I keep telling her that I work all day, every day, for her. To buy her nice things, keep a roof over our heads and make a home for the kids we hope to have one day. But will she listen, no. Fat chance.’

‘So how did this, er, problem start?’

He was quiet for a moment, then, ‘Don’t think I’m not embarrassed about this, because I am. And telling you, a young woman, about my stupidity, is humiliating. Not something I’d planned, ever.’

‘Don’t be embarrassed on my behalf, Tristan. I’ve seen everything over the years working here.’ This was a first. But I wouldn’t tell him that.

‘I’m sure you have.’

‘So tell me,’ I said, drawing up the chair his wife had used. ‘Right from the beginning. I really need you to be specific, for the notes.’

He sighed. ‘OK then. After all this affair fuss Nadia took to going to the new gym in Skipton. Suited me fine. Then one day, about two years ago, I’d popped back to the house to make a sandwich for lunch and the doorbell went, it was one of those City Link vans, the collies were going nuts. Anyway, the guy handed me the box so I signed his little screen thing, and he went away. I wasn’t expecting anything, so I was intrigued.’

‘What was it?’

‘It was a prize, some competition I didn’t even know I’d entered. Maybe I hadn’t and it was just a random thing. Whatever it was it was free and it changed my life.’

I raised my eyebrows. ‘Oh?’

‘Sounds crazy,’ he lowered his voice, ‘but it was a box of sex toys. There were blindfolds, handcuffs, pink feathery ticklers and a spanking paddle. Vibrators too, with lube that tasted of strawberry.’

I suppressed a giggle. ‘So what did you do with it?’

‘Well, I just shoved it in the tool shed to start with. But then after a few days I went back to it. Had a fiddle, you know, with the vibrator and the, er …’ He frowned.

Tristan?’

‘The butt plugs. There were two – I didn’t know what they were to start with, had to read the leaflets that came with them. Well, eventually curiosity got the better of me, it wasn’t like I was having sex. Nadia’s legs were firmly shut and she was sleeping in the spare room until I confessed to sins I hadn’t even committed. So you can imagine I needed some kind of release, or stimulation at least. Most of the stuff there was for couples to play with – except the plugs. Well, I could do that on my own. So the next time she went to her step class, I got the lube and the butt plug and carefully eased it in.

‘The thing was big and that was the smallest of the two. It hurt but not in a bad way, in a good way. Kind of stretched and burned and then when it eventually popped in it felt amazing. I loved it instantly, that feeling, and my dick got hard.’ He touched his cheek; there were small dots of redness beneath his freckles. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be telling you things like this.’

‘It’s fine. In fact, more than fine. You need to tell me so that we can help you.’

He swallowed and glanced away.

‘Please, go on. How did it escalate?’ I asked.

‘It escalated fairly quickly. I was like a guy on Viagra when I had a plug in, it really hit the spot. Not that I got to share any of that new-found libido with anyone. This was all done on my own. Soon I couldn’t wait for Nadia to go to the gym so I could grab that plug and play.

‘Then one day, I discovered something. Nadia was supposed to be going to see her sister, the one in Hull. I pleaded paperwork jobs; I wanted an hour playing with my toys, undisturbed, before I had to plough the twelve acre field. Nadia had got just far enough away for me to get a plug in and then she came home. I was upstairs when I heard the door. I felt sick. Quickly, I pulled up my jeans, shoved the lube in my sock drawer and then walked down the stairs. The plug shifted inside me with each step – it felt amazing, hard and solid on whatever it is up there that’s so sensitive. But more than how it felt inside me, was “knowing” that it was there. My secret. That was thrilling. She’d accused me of being secretive, well, now I was. Kind of served her right.

‘So I opened the mail while she ranted about the car’s new rattle and how she didn’t trust it to make the journey to Hull. I said I would take a look and all the time I was hard as concrete, the plug doing its job regardless of Nadia’s constant disappointment in me. I felt hot and feverish with excitement. If only she knew that her husband had a big butt plug up his arse and a raging hard on that would rival any porn star’s.’

‘But she found out, eventually,’ I said.

‘Yes, and it was my own fault, really. I got greedy.’

‘How come?’

‘Within a few weeks of that day I was wearing a plug nearly all the time, not just in the house but out on the farm. That constant state of arousal became the norm. I liked it – it made me feel alive. No, more than that, it made me feel when I hadn’t felt anything in months. Eventually though I decided I wanted some more, bigger, better plugs. I’d heard you could get vibrating ones. I fancied that, could just imagine how great they would feel. I wondered if they were silent and I’d be able to sit watching
EastEnders
with Nadia in the evening, buzzing away and her know nothing about it.

‘So I dug out the details of the place that sent me the original toys and went online and put the order in. I spent nearly two hundred pounds. Bought whatever I fancied. The bigger the better, ridged were great and so was anything that had a battery.’ He frowned. ‘Now don’t get me wrong, nurse, I’m not gay. I didn’t buy anything that vaguely resembled a penis, that isn’t what this is about. If another bloke tried to shove his cock up my arse I’d deck him. I think of women when I’m aroused, sexy, hot, naked women.’

I nodded seriously. I could see that was a big deal for him. He might be a fruitcake but he was a straight fruitcake and that was important.

‘I had a wonderful time with all my new toys. I liked one called the Bionic Bullet the best. It was a good size but when it started vibrating it was awesome. Had me stiffer than a bull’s horn I can tell you. But each plug had its own merits, its own advantages. My favourite, though, was a thick squat one – it was made of glass and seemed to stay cool, even when it had been inside for a while. It was perfect for wearing for a long period of time, through dinner with the family, or watching one of Nadia’s soppy movies in the evening. It kept me hovering in a nice state of arousal for hours until I could go and relieve myself in the bathroom before bed.’

‘So what went wrong?’ I asked. ‘How come you’ve done this to yourself today?’

He shook his head, shifted slightly. ‘Nadia found my stash. It was a Wednesday, I got back from the weekly market expecting ham and eggs, and instead my plugs were all set out on the kitchen table.’

Nice. ‘Did she know what they were?’ I asked.

‘Yes, she’s not stupid. She hit the roof, went into the fridge, grabbed the ham I was supposed to have for my tea and threw it to the dogs. She then stormed off and I didn’t see her for several hours.

‘I put the plugs away and hoped that was the end of it. She would either come back for her designer wardrobe or not. That suited me as well as anything, I guess I’d pretty much given up on her.

‘But she did come home. Silent and moody, and as soon as I went out to check the cattle she got rid of all my back-entry treasures. Every last one. I was upset. But what could I do? If I bought more I knew she’d find them, dispose of them again, or maybe worse, serve them up in a casserole pot for Sunday dinner when we had the family round. I wouldn’t put anything past her, the mood she’s been in.

‘So that’s when I began to experiment. That full feeling, the arousal, the secret in my arse had become a habit – no, more than a habit. A need. When my bum was empty, I was empty. Sounds strange to say it but I kind of felt bereft.

‘Then, not long after, I was in the bath and my attention fell on a bar of soap. Next thing I knew I was easing it in. Felt bloody amazing after a few weeks of being empty. I got out of the bath feeling like myself again.

‘Best thing was Nadia had no idea and I didn’t need to worry about hiding anything. I replaced the soap with a fresh bar on the side of the bath and that was it, I was ready to go downstairs to watch
Silent Witness.

‘Except what I thought was good really wasn’t. My guts began to growl and spasm. Then it was all I could do to get up to the bathroom in time to expel the soap. Didn’t feel nice, I can tell you. But despite my discomfort I knew I was on to something. I just needed to find home-made objects to slip up there. Nothing chemical, that just hurt, and nothing that wouldn’t be able to find its way out if I couldn’t grab it.

‘I fashioned a couple of plugs out of candles, they were pretty good. Vegetables were fine too, but didn’t last that long, and let me tell you, ginger root burns to high heaven. If anyone ever offers you a ginger root butt plug, think twice. How hot do you really want to be?’

‘I’ll bear that in mind,’ I said, making a mental note and also hoping I’d never be in the situation where I’d have to use the information. ‘So how did you end up needing a doctor the first time?’

He sighed. ‘I’m a bit of an obsessive type of person. Always have been, so thinking up new ways to plug myself became my every waking thought. Nadia knew none of it, or if she did she turned a blind eye. Until, that was, I made the mistake of using one of her Impulse perfume bottles. I think it was Hint of Musk, quite a nice one. It went in fine and had a good length, felt pretty substantial as I moved around, sorting out some feed deliveries. But then later on, I realised it was stuck. But not only was it stuck, the damn thing was leaking. I was farting perfume, smelt like a bloody pansy. This all happened right as Nadia came out of the bedroom hunting for her Impulse. I couldn’t hide my distress, I was farting yes, but the damn sprayer must have been going off all the time. My guts were filling up with gas of an unnatural kind.’

‘That must have been awful,’ I said, making a concerted effort to keep my face straight. This poor guy really was an act-now-think-later kind of bloke.

‘Well, she took one look at me, put two and two together, guessed my secret and called the ambulance. I felt that was a bit extreme, after all, I only had a perfume bottle stuck up my arse, wasn’t like I was in a car crash or anything. But I wasn’t really in any fit state to argue. I didn’t know whether to hop about, lie down, or try and poo it out.’

‘Sounds terrible.’

He shook his head. ‘It was. And never again. It was the first time I felt scared of what I’d done to myself. And then when they had to sedate me, pull it out … I was pretty embarrassed.’

‘But you’re back here now? Why?’

‘Yeah, I’m a tosspot, aren’t I?’

‘Well, I can see you have your own reasons for doing this, but still.’

‘I was self-controlled for ages after the Impulse affair. But then it started up again. Just a shampoo bottle when I was in the bath at first and then a carrot when
Strictly Come Dancing
was on. Nothing seemed to quite hit the spot though, do you know what I mean?’

‘Yes.’ No. ‘So what happened today, for you to take such a risk again?’

He sighed, closed his eyes for a long moment then opened them again. They held a look of defeat and resignation. ‘Earlier me and Nadia had another row about that woman in the tractor shop. Apparently the new John Deere 5GH series is in and she called and left a message to let me know. Well it was a make or break row, neither of us can continue the way we are, living in virtual silence and as strangers. Let’s just say the conversation didn’t go well and afterwards I went into the tool shed, sat down and my attention fell on a box of spare light bulbs. The top one looked just like one of my old plugs. Smooth, a good size and a tapering shape. The next thing I knew I was circling the pointy end around my bum-hole. I told myself out loud how stupid it was, but then, because of the lube I suppose, it was in. Damn thing felt good, a solid wedge of pressure right where I needed it. I got hard instantly, breathed through the lovely sensation and stared out of the shed window at the sunset.