Conflicted (20 page)

I finished Cole’s checklist and got to work on some new ideas for the MTC account, and before I knew it, the clock ticked past five o’clock.

I worked right through it, lost in brainstorming fresh ideas. I didn’t even realize the time until Cole interrupted my train of thought by clearing his throat.

I scribbled one last thought down and then looked up at him.

“I appreciate your dedication, but you don’t have to work this late. We need to leave for dinner in less than an hour, so if you need to run home, now’s the time.”

I set down my pen and smiled up at my boss. “I don’t need to go home. In fact, I thought I’d just hang out here and get some more ideas down for MTC while I’m on a roll.”

“Great enthusiasm for the project. Clearly you were the right choice for the account.” He glanced around, and once he realized we were completely alone in the office, he lowered his voice. “I’ve got something in my office that you can show the same enthusiasm for.”

I laughed. “Oh, do you?”

He nodded. “Follow me.”

I stood and stretched, thinking that one more romp before dinner didn’t sound so bad.

Even though the office was empty, I appreciated Cole’s discretion. As soon as I was through the doorway, he kicked the door shut and then pushed my body against it. His mouth crashed down aggressively to mine, and it was the passion and fervor he exhibited for me that completely turned me on in a way no other man had ever managed before him.

His tongue pushed past the seam of my lips, dancing hungrily against my own. A deep moan rumbled involuntarily out of me as he assailed my mouth with his. The ever-present ache in my core intensified as he tightened his hold on me.

He was going to fuck me again, and I was ready for him.

He pushed off the door, separating from me. He stared me down as we both panted, and the way he looked at me with so much hunger and lust made me want him even more.

“What was that?” he muttered, and it was only then that I realized he hadn’t stopped because he’d been about to toss me on his desk and he’d wanted to switch positions. He’d stopped because he’d heard something.

And I’d been so caught up in his kiss that I didn’t even hear whatever it was that made him stop.

“What was what?” I asked stupidly, not bothering to whisper.

“Someone’s out there,” he said.

I glanced at the clock. “The cleaning crew?”

He shook his head. “They don’t start for another half hour.”

“Well, why don’t we just go out there?”

“Your hot little moans aren’t exactly quiet. Go in my private bathroom and wait there. I’ll check it out.”

“I can go see who it is. Isn’t that my job as your assistant?”

“Your job is to do what I tell you. I can’t let our relationship get out. Not when you’re married and the Assistant of the Year is being announced tomorrow.”

My heart raced and my eyes widened. “Is it me?”

He narrowed his eyes at me. “Now isn’t the time. Get in the goddamn bathroom before I carry you in there.”

I raised my eyebrows and couldn’t help my smile. “Carry me in there?”

“Go,” he snarled. He meant business, so I scurried into his bathroom. I kept the door cracked open so I could listen to his conversation with whoever was out there.

He opened the door. “Can I help y—” He was interrupted.

“Where’s Lucy?”

Fuck.

John’s voice was clear as day, and I pressed myself to the wall a little tighter as my heart raced in fear.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We couldn’t get caught. I needed to talk to John, to tell him that I was leaving him. He wasn’t supposed to find us about to screw on Cole’s desk. This was all wrong.

God, what if he found me? My heart raced even faster as I held my breath.

“It’s not my job to keep track of your wife,” Cole said irritably.

“She said she had to work late. Her car is in the parking lot. So where is she?”

“How the hell should I know? We’re meeting here at seven and we have a dinner with clients at eight.”

“Who’s in your office?” John demanded.

“None of your business. Now get the fuck out of my building.”

“It’s my business when you’re screwing my wife.”

“Excuse me? I haven’t touched your wife.” Cole’s indignation was award-worthy, and his easy ability to lie was more than a tad concerning.

Silence followed Cole’s declaration, and I imagined John trying to stare Cole down in the quiet.

But Cole would never back down. Cole Benson didn’t lose, especially not on his home turf. He didn’t withdraw. He didn’t give up. It just wasn’t in his DNA.

I heard John sigh, and then I heard a soft thud, retreating footsteps, and the elevator doors. My heart rate slowed back to normal the further John moved from our corner of the building.

“Jesus Christ, Lucy. You need to talk to him. I can’t keep doing this.”

I emerged from my hiding place and found Cole sitting in one of the chairs that faced his desk. He rubbed the bridge of his nose as if he had a sudden headache.

“I’m sorry.”

He glared at me. “Don’t apologize. Fix it. Be honest. I don’t want to be in the middle of this shit. This is why I stayed the hell away from you.”

I felt tears prick behind my eyes, and then one cascaded down my cheek. I wiped it away.

I wanted Cole to offer me some comfort. That had been close for both of us, and the adrenaline that had rushed through me was gone now, leaving me crashing to the ground.

Instead, he was angry. And he had every right to be. “You don’t have the right to cry right now.”

“I know I don’t. This is my fault, and I’m going to fix it.”

“When, Lucy? When the fuck are you going to fix it?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered.

“Just go. I need some time.”

I stared at the back of his head for a minute, wanting nothing more than to run to him and hold him in my arms.

And then I walked out of his office toward my desk.

My breath caught as I spotted the item that had made the thudding noise before John had left.

A black velvet box sat on my desk, and the second I spotted it, guilt knotted my stomach.

I knew exactly what it was before I picked it up and opened it. I stared at it for a long time.

I should’ve known the second John said he had something for me, the second he said it was something he knew I’d always wanted.

I flipped open the top of the box, and my heart broke.

John was a good man. Everything he’d done had been for me, and I’d been blind to it, lost in my own selfish thoughts that he was choosing work over me when he’d been putting me first all along.

He deserved better than me.

He deserved a faithful woman who would always put him first. When we’d said our vows to each other, I thought I was that person. I’d worked hard to be that person, and I probably would’ve kept being her if Cole Benson hadn’t stepped foot into my life.

It was too late now. I’d navigated a course that I couldn’t return from. I’d strayed too far from my husband and from our marriage, and I deserved every cut and crack that slashed my heart.

I pulled the gorgeous ring out of the box. A princess cut diamond gleamed against the black velvet. I thought back to the day John had asked me what my dream ring would be, way back before we’d even gotten engaged. It matched the exact ring I’d told him—a pipe dream, really. It wasn’t something I’d ever
really
wanted.

I remembered telling him that a strong marriage with the right person was more important than a huge ring.

I checked for the inscription, knowing what it was going to say before I read it. Sure enough, it predictably matched the words John had said in the car a week earlier, the ones that were from our vows.
It all starts here, babe.

He thought that a ring was going to fix our marriage. He thought that it was what I wanted. He’d ironically sacrificed us so I could have a tangible sign of our marriage—something I’d never really even wanted.

Cole stepped out of his office as I stared at the ring pinched between my forefinger and thumb.

He gazed at me wordlessly for a few beats. I looked up at him. His eyes were focused on the ring I held.

His eyes finally moved up to mine. “We need to go.” His voice was firm, and his face held not a hint of emotion.

I wished I could read him. I wished I knew what he was thinking.

I set the ring back in the cushioned box and put the box in my purse before following Cole toward the elevators so we could head to our dinner.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Silence blanketed our elevator ride down to the first floor. He continued his silent treatment as we exited the building, got in the back of the car, and drove to the restaurant. Just before we pulled up in front of the restaurant, he finally spoke.

“Dan’s contract is up in a few weeks and he’s shopping around. We need to seal him into a new agreement. Schmooze his wife while I handle the business.” He didn’t look at me while he spoke, instead focusing on his phone.

I wanted to ask if I should expect the frigid silent treatment to continue, but I bit my tongue.

It felt an awful lot like we were back to where we used to be—back before New York, when everything between us changed so drastically.

I hated that he was treating me with such indifference when I’d experienced the detonation of passion between us.

I wanted us to go into this dinner meeting as a united team ready to conquer Utica and then go home together to make love.

Cole focused his attention on Dan, and I was once again relegated to the position of lowly assistant. As I listened to Dan’s wife, Lauren, discuss some new shoe store in her nasally intonation, I couldn’t help but think what awaited me after this dinner. I had to go back to the office with Cole, and after that, I had to go home to John. I had no idea what to expect out of either situation.

I started drafting my lie to John in my head. He’d want to know where I’d been when he’d shown up at the office, and I needed to make sure I had my story straight.

Or maybe…

It was time to finally tell him the truth. It was time to end the charade.

I realized after a glass of wine as I tuned out Lauren that the deeply rooted issue in my heart was that I just didn’t want to hurt John. I hated that I’d betrayed him the way I had.

I hated it…but I didn’t
regret
it.

And that was the root of the issue. I didn’t want to mend things with John. I wanted to be with Cole.

If he still wanted me.

Somewhere between the main course and dessert, I finally committed to telling John. It had to be that night when I got home.

The interminable dinner finally ended a little after eleven. While Cole didn’t talk to me on the way back to the office, at least his meeting with Dan had gone well. He was busy on his phone the entire car ride back.

When we pulled up at the curb and got out of the car, I finally broke the silence. “Do you need me to come up so we can review?”

He shook his head. “I got it all down. We can review in the morning. You should go home to your husband.”

“I’m going to talk to him. Tonight.”

He glanced at the clock on his phone, and then his eyes met mine. “It’s late.”

“I know. But I want to be with you, Cole. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

He nodded and looked away from me. “I’ve heard it before.” And then he turned and headed into the building as I stood on the sidewalk staring after him.

No hug. No kiss. No comfort. But I didn’t deserve those things. I’d let Cole down one too many times, but tonight would be the last time.

I rehearsed in my head what I wanted to say to John, but how did you end a marriage? What were the right words to say?

“I’m leaving you.” Too blunt.

“It’s over.” That might not be clear enough.

“I’m fucking my boss.” Too harsh.

I hoped the right words would just come to me when it was time, because rehearsing wasn’t doing me much good.

The closer the car crept toward home, the harder my heart pounded in my chest. My stomach was in knots and my ears buzzed. I pulled into my space and took a few deep breaths before I got out of the car. My legs felt like jelly as I moved toward our front door, and my hands shook as I unlocked it.

And then I was inside, and it was dark. When I got to the bedroom, I found my husband on the bed watching television with the lights off.

“Hey,” I said, standing in the doorway.

He flipped off the television, sending the room into complete darkness. Then he flipped on the lamp on his nightstand, and we both blinked in the brightness that filled the room.

He sat up in the bed and leaned against the headboard. “Where were you earlier?”

“When?” I asked, dodging his underlying question. I didn’t move from the doorway.

“I came to your office a little after seven and you weren’t at your desk. Where were you?”

I cleared my throat and pulled in a deep breath as I tried to calm my racing heart. This was my chance, and I wasn’t going to back down this time. “I was there.”

His eyes narrowed. “Where?”

“In Cole’s bathroom.”

He nodded slowly, as if he’d known all along, and then he stood. It was as if he needed the less vulnerable position of standing before asking his next question. “What’s going on between the two of you?” His voice took on a hard edge.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” he asked, his voice rising.

I shook my head.

“But it’s something. Right?”

I looked down at the floor and closed my eyes.

“What is it?” he asked.

I shrugged, unsure what I should say.

“Do I want to know? I don’t want to know.”

He was right. He didn’t want to know.

“Whatever it is, Lucy, we’ll work through it. We’ll figure it out. It’s us, babe. We can overcome anything.”

“Not this,” I whispered.

“Not what?” he asked desperately.

“I’m sorry, John,” I said, my voice hoarse as tears filled my eyes.

He looked around the room in shock, his eyes out of focus as he pieced it all together. “No. Lucy, no. Tell me you didn’t.” His eyes slowly drifted to me. His voice lowered to a hiss and his eyes narrowed. “Are you sleeping with him?”

Admission meant the true end of our relationship.

And for as much as I’d convinced myself that I didn’t even like John anymore, he was still my home. He was the man I’d married, and he was all I’d known for the past five years.

Everything was going to change.

Everything.

And that wasn’t really something I’d thought about when I’d given into the passion I felt for Cole. Was passion enough to build a relationship on? Was passion a solid foundation?

I wasn’t sure it was, and I was pretty sure that starting a relationship without really being free to do so wasn’t the best place to begin, either.

But my silence was as good as an admission of guilt, and that meant that nothing would ever be the same again.

I looked away from him. I couldn’t lie, but I didn’t want to admit the truth, not when I knew how much it would hurt both of us.

“Goddammit!” John yelled in anger. “You’re married, and you’re fucking your boss. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

The tears spilled over onto my cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated.

He took a deep breath as anger turned into blame. “Was it my fault? Did I push you away?” He stepped closer to me and I took a step backward.

I shook my head. Maybe I’d been feeling neglected, but sleeping with Cole had totally been on me.

“Okay,” he said, nodding. He’d morphed into problem-solving John. “Okay. We can work through this. It’ll take time for me to trust you again, but you’re my wife.”

“That’s not what I want,” I said, forcing courage I didn’t feel into my tone.

He ignored me and moved closer, his lips moving toward mine.

“John, listen to me.” I set both hands on his chest and pushed him away. “That’s not what I want. You’re not what I want. Not anymore.”

He stared at me for a long moment, the words finally registering. “You don’t…?”

I shook my head.

“So that’s it. It’s over.” His voice was flat.

A sob pushed up from my chest. “It’s over,” I whispered.

He was quiet for a few beats, contemplating my declaration. And then I watched as the anger turned him from the man I’d married into a stranger. “Fuck your fake tears. Give me the ring back and go stay with your boyfriend.”

I sighed. “He’s not my boyfriend. Can’t we talk about this?” My voice was meek. I didn’t want to provoke his anger further.

“You’re fucking your boss and our marriage is over. So we’re pretty much through here.”

His words stung, but the pain was something I had coming. I deserved every hateful word John flung at me. I deserved his worst.

I pulled the ring box out of my purse and set it on the dresser.

He deserved space from me, so I went into the closet and packed an overnight bag. John was no longer in the bedroom as I moved from the closet to the bathroom. I grabbed a few toiletries and then walked through the apartment I shared with my husband, not sure where I was going but sure that I was no longer welcome in my own home.