Could It Be I'm Falling in Love? (56 page)

No wimping

Worried about oversleeping for that big day in the office? The solution’s easy –
don’t sleep
! Sleep’s for amateurs, and no excuse to cut short a top night. Just samba straight from the club to the office – some of my best work’s been done pissed.

Office sleepover

If you
do
feel the need for a nap, go to bed in the office. Keep a duvet under your desk, just in case. Never mind the office mice (every office has them) – just smile at that nice security man again, flash him your pass (or anything else you think might work) and then head to your desk to power down. You can snooze safe in the knowledge that if you’re already early, it’s totally impossible to be late.

Pull

It’s the ultimate win-win no brainer. Long way home to bed? Pull someone who lives close to the office, and catch a few zzz’s at his place instead. It’s office-promptness/stringless-intercourse double-bubble. And hey, you rock –
you deserve it!

Pull a doctor

You get extra points for pulling a doctor (preferably one with a drip). After shagging him senseless, sweet-talk him into hooking you up to an IV. A couple of hours on the fluid bag, and you’ll be perkier than a
Blue Peter
presenter.

Pull a fighter pilot

If no doctors are available, pull a fighter pilot and ask to have sex in his jet. Jets come with oxygen masks, and a few hits of oxygen have the same effect as a few hours on a drip. Plus, you get to indulge in a few
Top Gun
fantasies …

Reapply slap

So you’ve made it into the office – now your packing comes in handy. You need to bury your 40% sheen ahead of that big meeting. Open your make-up and apply with a trowel. Who cares if you look like a tranny? Think quantity rather than quality, and add an extra layer every hour.

Brush your teeth with Red Bull

As they say …
every little helps
. And your gums might absorb the caffeine.

Pop in gum

Not only does it mask beer breath, but the chewing action stops you nodding off.

Rearrange Cleavage

Make sure your friends are on show – they’ll divert attention from your party eyes. Alternatively, an illegally short skirt will do fine.

Administer Coffee

I recommend a double Irish.

Switch on Tens Machine

OK, so these are normally used during childbirth, but did you know that Tens machines can be worn under clothing, and give small, but regular, electric shocks? Perfect for keeping you awake! Buy one, or rent one from Boots. I always book ahead and reserve one for the Christmas party season.

© Roxy Squires

You can follow Roxy on Twitter
@foxyroxysquires

Thank-you to Mum, Dad and Nige, for your sterling services to babysitting, and unstinting dedication to shamelessly plugging my books!

Thanks also to Jos, Nicky and Sevenoaks Bookshop – plus Charlotte, Nicola, Maggie, Sarah and all at Quercus and Ed Victor for the clever stuff.

Thank you to everyone who asks me how the writing is going, and gives me a thumbs-up of encouragement along the way. And thanks to Mr Pinot and his friend, Mr Grigio – plus Mrs Galaxy, Mary Landcookie and Miss Yorkshire Tea – without whom this book would never have got written.

Finally – thank you to all the 90s ladettes. You rock! I loved – and wanted to be – you all!

Alice Brown is a matchmaker, and as far as she’s concerned, she has the best job in the world. What could be better than helping others find love? Even if she herself remains single.

Her latest client is Kate. She’s already five years behind in her life plan and she knows exactly what she wants, but that might be the problem. Will anyone measure up to her standards?

Then there’s Audrey, Alice’s misguided boss from hell, who has somehow managed to bag herself the perfect husband. But all is not as it seems. And when her love life and work life collide, will she be able to take her own advice?

www.quercusbooks.co.uk