Courage In Love (12 page)

“I don’t want to lose you either but I’m so scared. I don’t think I can live like this.” Parker admitted and Ross sighed as he raised his head.

“Give me tonight and tomorrow. Don’t decide anything now. In the morning, everything will look different and we’ll talk and figure this out.” Ross promised as he gathered Parker’s face in his hands. He was so beautiful and Ross couldn’t stand the idea of a future that didn’t include waking up to see Parker’s face or being able to fall asleep in his arms. “We’ll figure this out.” Ross murmured the words against his lips and swallowed the soft cry that spilled from Parker’s mouth as his tongue brushed tenderly against Parker’s.

Ross didn’t give Parker time to think. He backed him against the bed and tumbled them onto the mattress. He left Parker’s lips only when he had to as he quickly peeled off their clothes. When they were naked and panting, Ross prayed silently as he worshiped every inch of Parker’s body with his hands and mouth.

“I can’t live without this.” Ross breathed as his lips brushed up the length of Parker’s cock reverently. “Your body… it feels like my soul.” He admitted before his tongue slid into the cleft of Parker’s ass. Then, “I’ll never need anything the way I need you, Parker.” as the head of Ross’ erection pushed into Parker’s clenching heat.

They clung and strained as they fought to get closer, to somehow make their bodies merge, to pull one into the other as they gasped and cried. Parker sobbed Ross’ name as he clawed at his skin and Ross was sucked into his release. He screamed as he came, spilling deep into Parker as his arms locked his body against his.

“Please.” The word huffed over and over in Parker’s ear until Ross couldn’t keep his eyes open and everything became still and dark.

The room was a heavy grey as a weak sun tried to fight through an overcast sky as it rose. Ross blinked at the clock until he could read 5:37. He groaned as he rolled over and reached for Parker but his hand pushed across cool, empty sheets. Ross sat up and his hand shook as he reached for the note on the bedside table.

I’m sorry. I can’t do this.

Chapter 23

“Parker… I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless and this hurts like hell. You won’t answer and I can’t go after you. Please, tell me what to do. Come back. Or, answer your phone and talk to me.”

“It’s me. I only have a minute. I wish I could hear your voice before I go. I want you to know that I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I know you’re thinking about me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that what I do makes you so unhappy. I’ve been thinking and if you’ll just give me a little time… Look. I’ll do whatever I can to keep you. I have to. As soon as I can, I’ll be there. Please, stop shutting me out.”

Parker lost count of the number of times he listened to those two messages. The pain in Ross’ voice was so obvious, it stole Parker’s breath and made his chest ache. Ross was right. After almost three weeks, Parker felt emptier and lonelier than he ever had in his life. This was worse than when David left him. On top of missing everything about Ross, Parker was consumed with worry. Unlike Ross’ last few missions, he didn’t call and check in. Parker had no idea where he was or if he was ok.

Seeing Ross sitting on the steps in front of his house filled Parker with relief and incredible frustration. Everything within him screamed that he needed to get away from Ross and get over him but the physical pull, the urge to touch Ross and feel that he was healthy and really there was overwhelming.

“What are you doing here?” Parker asked as he dug in his pocket for his keys. Ross stood and leaned against the wall. His eyes were huge and dark as they washed over Parker. He looked exhausted yet beautiful despite having lost at least ten pounds. Parker dodged the hand that reached for his face as he pushed the door open and went inside.

“I would have come sooner but we went out the day after you left. I just got back a few hours ago.” Ross’ voice was weak and broke as he pushed Parker against the wall and practically fell on top of him. “Please, let me touch you.” He cried as his fingertips slid down Parker’s throat. His forehead pressed against Parker’s and Ross groaned. Ross’ weight, warmth and scent felt so perfect, Parker’s body relaxed and his hands glided up Ross’ back, against Parker’s will.

“Why couldn’t you just let me go? I need to get over you.” Parker breathed against Ross’ lips and Ross shook his head.

“Was it easier?” He asked and Parker searched his eyes.

“What?” He asked as heat seeped through Parker’s shirt where it touched Ross’ chest.

“Not talking to me, letting me go.” Ross’ voice was ragged as his lips tugged at Parker’s.

“No. It was terrible.” Parker admitted. “But it would have gotten easier.” He argued and Ross laughed softly.

“You’re wrong.” He promised as his hands slid beneath Parker’s shirt and pushed it over his head. “You love me. You’re not going to get over me by shutting me out. I know because no matter how far I went, I still needed you, I still loved you. I never stopped thinking about you. I missed you so much, it hurt. I love you, Parker and I’m not going to stop just because you won’t talk to me.” The words were a deep, drugging rumble that Parker felt in his veins.

Parker knew he was helpless. Ross was right, what he felt wasn’t something he could control. Parker had traveled the world and studied every religion known to man but he’d never felt anything close to spiritual, had never believed in the existence of the soul. Locked in the tranquility of Ross’s eyes, Parker felt his soul. It unfurled and sighed, rippling soft and warm through him as Ross guided him through the living room and into the bedroom. Parker’s heart felt like it was too big for his chest and his nerves flickered. Parker realized it was Ross, he was everywhere inside of Parker. Every beat of his heart was Ross’s voice. His name filled Parker’s lungs and Ross’ breath seeped from his pores. Parker’s skin carried the traces of Ross’ lips and fingertips and they’d never leave him.

He couldn’t stop himself from reaching for Ross. Parker pulled Ross into his arms. His hands shook as they clutched at Ross’ body and he felt unsteady on his feet. Ross’ hands closed around his face and their lips fused. Parker’s tongue plunged desperately into Ross’ mouth as he backed him toward the bed. Parker surrendered his lips and his tongue, he had no use for them without Ross. They fell upon the bed and Ross caught him, wrapping his arms and legs around Parker. His eyes met Ross’ and for a moment, Parker was mesmerized as he looked down at Ross. His eyes started to sting as they watered and his chest ached with awe. How did he think he could live without him? Ross’ hands splayed as they glided up Parker’s chest.

“I love you, Parker. Please…let me love you.” His voice broke with need and reverence. Ross moaned as he pulled Parker down. His hands wrapped around Parker’s head and he claimed his lips in a kiss that was so tender and deep, it made Parker tremble. Ross rolled them and his lips slid from Parker’s, across his cheek and pressed against his ear.

“I don’t deserve you, Parker. But I need you. I need you and I’ll do anything if you’ll never stop loving me.” Ross’ words were hot and low and Parker felt as if someone had lit a flame within his chest. Parker was lost.

“Love me, Ross. Love me half as much as I love you and I’ll never need anything else.”

Parker promised as he worked frantically at the fly of Ross’ jeans. Ross groaned as he rose on his hands and knees so Parker could slide them over his hips.

“Always, Parker.” Ross swore as he sat on his heels and swiftly dealt with Parker’s khakis and boxer briefs. Parker fisted his hands in the bedding and hissed when he felt Ross’ hand close around his rigid length. Ross fell forward and caught himself, his hand next to Parker’s shoulder on the bed. He adjusted his hips until his cock was next to Parker’s. Ross took them both in his hand and held them tight. The hard heat of Ross’ cock against Parker’s and Ross’ hand pressing them together made Parker dizzy with lust. He rose on his elbows and panted as he watched Ross’ hand slide along their erections. When Ross’ hand slid back down, Parker begged for more, faster and harder. Ross nodded and his hand gripped them tighter and his strokes came quicker. Parker let his head fall back and he cursed as he thrust into Ross’ hand.

“I swear, my body felt like it was dying, I needed you so bad. I’ve never felt pain or fear like that.” Ross whispered. Then, Ross’ hand was gone and Parker moaned in protest until he saw Ross sliding down his body. Ross settled on his knees between Parker’s thighs and Parker’s head fell.

“Oh, God… Ross.” Parker groaned and his eyes rolled back into his head as Ross’s lips closed around his cock.

The bedding was cool and crisp beneath Parker and a gentle breeze drifted through the window. When Parker shut his eyes, he knew it had to be heaven. This place, the way Parker’s body felt as Ross worshiped him with his mouth, these couldn’t be earthly things. When he opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, Parker couldn’t remember anything that happened before Ross. It was if he was born the moment Ross’ lips touched his. Somehow, he’d been taken out of the world and dropped into the bliss of Ross’ arms and his lips on Parker’s body.

Just as his body started to tighten and the first stirrings of pressure started to gather in Parker’s groin, Ross raised his head. He stretched, reaching for the bedside table and grabbed the lube. Parker started to feel giddy with anticipation at the thought of Ross fucking him. Instead, Ross filled his hand with a generous amount of lube wrapped it around Parker’s cock and stroked until it was slick. Then, Ross crawled up Parker’s body and pressed their lips together tenderly before he lowered, guiding Parker’s straining length to his puckered entrance and pushed back. Parker sat up as he slid his arm around Ross and set his lips to Ross’ shoulder. Parker felt Ross’ body clenching brutally tight around the end of his cock before it relaxed and Ross slid lower, taking Parker deep into his body.

“I’ll never feel whole without you, not like I do right now.” Ross whispered. The hairs on the back of Parker’s neck stood as a wave of lust rolled though him.

“Ross.” His name fell from Parker’s lips like a prayer as he let his hands wrap around Ross’ ass. Ross gasped as he rose and Parker bit his neck to keep from crying out as joy and relief overwhelmed him.

“Yessss…” Ross sighed as he slid down. “Please, don’t leave me again. I need you.” He pleaded as he rode Parker faster.

“I will never get enough of this, I will always need you.” Parker promised and there was a breathless gasp as Parker’s hands slid down Ross’ chest and stomach before they wrapped around Ross’ erection. Parker began to stroke and Ross’ lips found his ear.

“I can’t exist if I know that I’ll never feel you touching me again.” He groaned and Parker’s hand stroked more firmly as his body rocked in time with Ross’.

“It broke my heart, thinking I’d never feel this again.” Parker whispered as his hands slid along Ross’ thighs, caressing and gripping as he pulled Ross’ hips against his.

“Oh, God… I love you, Parker. I’m going to come soon.” Ross said as he clutched at Parker’s shoulders.

“Come for me, Ross. I need to feel you come.” Parker begged as his hands urged Ross on. “I’m going to come but I want to feel you go first.” He bit down on Ross’ shoulder hard. Ross started hissing frantically and Parker felt Ross’ cock twitch in his hand as he pulled.

“Parker, Parker, Parker…” Ross chanted desperately as a stream of come burst from his cock. He clenched tight around Parker as more come spurted from him in a thick steady stream and he shuddered violently.

“Ross!” Parker gasped as his body went rigid and his lungs locked. His eyes flared and his mouth flew open on a silent scream. Peace and joy saturated Parker before he felt heat and light streak through him as hot pressure burst from the base of his erection and through his cock. Pleasure exploded as come pumped from the head of Parker’s cock with enough force to make Ross shriek and shiver as he writhed upon Parker. For a moment, Parker was afraid he would hurt Ross as his arms locked around him, pulling him hard against his body as he convulsed against Ross.

As soon as he was able, Parker loosened his arms around Ross as he fell back on the bed. Ross went with him, covering Parker’s body with his. Their bodies remained connected as they struggled to breath, their chests heaving violently as their fingers intertwined.

“I’ll do whatever it takes, Parker.” Ross promised. Parker nodded, not trusting his voice. Ross raised his head and his eyes captured Parker’s. “I can retire in six months. I’ll have a choice then. Give me six months and if you can’t be happy, if you don’t want me to stay in, I won’t. Just give this a chance and if this won’t work for you, I’ll find something else.” His eyes were pleading as they searched Parker’s. He nodded again.

“Ok. I can do six more months.” Parker whispered. Ross’ eyes filled with tears and his forehead settled onto Parker’s.

“Always know that whenever I have a choice, you’ll come first. You’re everything to me, Parker. Nothing matters more than you.” Ross’ lips clung to Parker’s as he said the words and tears spilled from Parker’s eyes.

“I was so scared. I’m still scared. I love you so much and I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose you.” Parker admitted shakily. Ross groaned as he held him tight.

“I know and I’m sorry. I promise that I’ll do whatever it takes to come home to you. I’ll never give up.”

Chapter 24

It didn’t look like the kind of day to be out and about. Parker watched Ross frown at the sky on the other side of the window as they drank their coffee. Despite the miserable morning, they got out early and were sitting in their favorite coffee shop. Ross took a long sip of his coffee before turning to Parker.

“We should cook something today.” He announced and Parker’s brows pulled together.

“You want to cook?” Parker asked slowly and Ross shrugged.

“Why not?” He gave Parker an expectant look and Parker leaned back and crossed his arms.

“I don’t know, because neither of us knows how?” He offered and Ross waved dismissively.

“I’m sure that between the two of us, we can manage.” Ross countered and Parker rolled his eyes.

“Fine. I have stuff to make peanut butter and jelly’s and some boxes of mac and cheese. If you’re really that desperate to fend for yourself. We’d need to get some butter and my milk’s probably spoiled.” Parker said and Ross shook his head.

“No. Let’s find a real recipe, go buy everything we need and then go home and make it.” He suggested and Parker bit his lip and he considered.

“That sounds like a lot of work. Couldn’t we just buy a game or a movie and get take-out from wherever you want?” He asked and Ross shook his head again.

“Come on. It’ll be fun.” He promised and Parker wondered if he’d lost his mind. Ross laughed softly as he leaned over the table and took Parker’s hand. Parker already knew he didn’t stand a chance but he raised a brow and waited for Ross to “convince” him. “How about a lasagna?” He asked as he raised Parker’s hand to his lips. They were warm and soft against Parker’s palm.

“I’m pretty sure you can buy those pre-made and frozen.” Parker murmured. Ross rolled his eyes before his tongue discreetly traced the line down the center of his palm and Parker suppressed a shiver.

“We can make it from scratch. We’ll look online and find a recipe and make a shopping list. It’ll be an adventure.” His teeth grazed before he softly bit the heel of Parker’s hand. Parker’s thumb brushed along Ross’ cheek.

“I’m pretty sure I can do a lot of things but that doesn’t mean I have to.” Parker was certain that if he held out a little longer, it was going to pay off. “I can learn to remove my own appendix but I’d rather leave that in more capable hands.” He explained and Ross grinned.

“There’s a very big difference between making a lasagna and surgery. Or, so I’m told.” He kissed Parker’s wrist then leaned close and Parker sighed.

“I think lasagnas take a lot of ingredients and a lot of time to put together.” He complained and Ross nodded in agreement as his hand wrapped around Parker’s neck. Ross angled his head forward so that his lips hovered next to Parker’s ear.

“It’ll be great. We’ll make a salad and garlic bread, drink a lot of wine…” His breath was hot and damp, coffee scented steam in Parker’s ear. He bit back a groan as Ross’ hand wrapped around his thigh under the table and squeezed. “We’ll get some tiramisu, too. And I’m pretty sure that lasagnas take a long time to bake. We’ll have to find some way to pass the time. Maybe we’ll take a bath. You know how hungry baths make me.” He whispered and Parker nodded weakly as his cock got heavy and started to throb. The last time they took a bath, Parker found himself bent over the sink as Ross’ tongue-fucked his ass until he came all over the front of the cabinet.

“Ok.” Parker breathed. “We’ll make a lasagna.” He agreed. “Do you want to look for the recipe or should I?” His voice shook and Ross’ smile was brilliant as he sat back.

“You can look. Just don’t pick one of those meatless ones with lots of spinach.” He stipulated and Parker nodded, still too distracted by the idea of a long “bath”.

“Got it. With meat and no spinach.” He mumbled as his thumb slid over the lock screen on his phone.

An hour later, Parker was doing his best to pay attention and look interested as they stared into a dairy case at the grocery store. Ross had his phone and was studying the shopping list.

“I don’t want a diet-ie lasagna, so let’s get the whole milk ricotta.” He mumbled as he bent forward grabbed a tub. Parker’s eyes widened and he looked around nervously as Ross’ ass pushed against his groin. Ten minutes later, Parker gasped as Ross’ cock pressed into the cleft of his ass as he reached around Parker for the lasagna noodles. “It says ‘No Boil’ noodles. I think these are it.” Ross’ voice was a low, deep rumble in Parker’s ear. Parker elbowed him as he stepped to the side.

“Knock it off.” He warned as he gave Ross a stern look. “We’re going to get thrown out. I’m definitely not going to be in the mood to cook when we get home, if you keep this up.” Parker said under his breath as he turned and headed down the aisle.

“The recipe reviews suggested substituting some or all of the meat with sausage. Let’s do half.” Ross said as he reached for a package of Italian sausage. He winked at Parker as he dropped it in the cart. “I do love sausage.” He said and Parker snorted.

“Oh, my God. That’s not even a little bit of a turn-on. Unless you’re fourteen.” He grumbled then shuddered. “Oh, ew.” Parker complained and Ross laughed.

“I’m definitely not fourteen.” He grinned as his hand pressed against the middle of Parker’s back and pushed gently. A moment later, the hand curved around Parker’s ass as they turned a corner. Parker gave Ross an impatient look. “What? No one saw.” He insisted and Parker rolled his eyes.

They found the rest of the ingredients for the lasagna, garlic bread and salad, then a tiramisu from the bakery. After a little more research and a short argument, Parker picked two bottles of a syrah/malbec blend. In line, Parker frowned at their cart as they waited to check out.

“What’s wrong? Did we forget something?” Ross asked as he rubbed Parker’s shoulders reassuringly. Parker nodded.

“Yeah. We forgot that last weekend I almost cut my finger off trying to slice an apple for us.” He said as he reached into the cart and began to place items on the belt. “This looks like shit a for real nonna would buy.” Parker complained and Ross dipped his head and kissed Parker’s cheek before he moved past him to get to the register.

“Quit worrying. I’m excited.” Ross said before he grinned at the cashier. She offered Ross a disapproving glare.

“Do you think that’s appropriate behavior? There are children in here.” She announced a bit too loudly. Ross shrugged before he craned his neck, obviously studying her name tag.

“I don’t know what you’re referring to, Vera.” He said even louder. “Would you find it inappropriate if a man kissed a woman affectionately on the cheek? Or, are you offended at the concept of anything other than a chianti served with lasagna?” Ross teased and she gave him a hard look.

“Would you like paper or plastic?” She ground out and Ross gave her a warm smile.

“Paper, please.” He purred and she pretended to become absorbed in the hunt for the produce code for the garlic.

Parker shook his head in disbelief as he continued to empty the cart. He wouldn’t have handled that with as much grace. He would have demanded to see the manager and asked if Vera’s behavior was in keeping with the store’s policies. Parker would have made a scene, he would have wanted to make everyone aware of the hypocrisy, the double standard. Instead, Ross kept up a polite banter and thanked Vera as they left.

“You know, I would have lost it back there.” Parker said as they loaded bags into the back of Ross’ car. Ross shrugged and reached into the cart.

“That would have been fine, too.” He announced as he wedged the wine bottles between heavier bags to keep them from rolling. “Sometimes, I don’t feel like being a poster boy or an activist. Sometimes, I just want to pay for my groceries and have a chill kind of day with the man I love.” Ross said as he wrapped his arm around Parker and lowered his head to peck at his lips. “Sometimes, I like when people feel like shit when you respond with calm kindness. I like to be the Ambassador of the High Road, now and then.” He explained and Parker’s chest filled with warmth as happiness and admiration bloomed.

“You’re going to have a hard time convincing me that I should do anything but keep you in bed all day.” Parker said as he backed Ross against the car and dove for his lips. Ross moaned happily as he fisted his hands in Parker’s shirt and their tongues tangled. Parker couldn’t stop his hips from rocking as his erection pushed angrily against the front of his jeans. Ross’ head tilted back and he groaned as his hands wrapped around Parker’s shoulders. He pushed Parker back half a step.

“Now who’s getting carried away?” Ross asked as he stood up straight. “And you’re not going to sidetrack us.” He insisted as he reached around Parker and pulled the last bag out of the cart. “We keep them in our pants until the lasagna goes in the oven. Go park this.” He ordered as his head jerked toward the cart parking spot. Parker scowled as he pushed it across the parking lot then pushed his hands into his pocket as he trudged back to Ross’ car.

“I don’t understand why we can’t take a break after we unload the car and put everything away.” Parker mumbled as he sat and buckled the seat belt. Ross shook his head.

“And lose my incentive?” Ross argued. “If I put out before we even get started, you’ll be useless.” He stated as he drove out of the parking lot. Parker crossed his arms over his chest and didn’t hide that he was pouting.

“You’re a tease. You led me on the whole time we were shopping and now you’re telling me I have to wait.” Parker grumbled and Ross nodded.

“I did do that.” He grinned as he stopped at a light and his hand slid up Parker’s thigh. “And I plan to keep it up the whole time we’re cooking. I want you to stay motivated. And I know how easily you get bored. I need you to pay attention.” Ross’ hand dipped between Parker’s thighs and he cupped Parker’s sack. Parker bit back a groan as he spread his thighs wider and scooted lower in the seat so he could tilt his hips, giving Ross more access.

“What if I promise to be really helpful and focus if you’ll blow me when we get home?” Parker suggested. Ross’ lips twisted as he gave Parker’s offer some thought.

“I might be willing to compromise, if you don’t complain as much while we’re putting everything away.” He countered and Parker nodded emphatically.

“I promise to be very enthusiastic about your groceries.” He insisted as his hand closed over Ross’ and he thrust into his palm. “If I had known how turned on you got over shopping and cooking, I would have been on board a lot sooner.” Parker growled in frustration when they stopped at another light. He needed them to be home and finished unloading the car ten minutes ago. Nearly two hours of constant flirting and discreet fondling had taken its toll and Parker felt like he was about to explode. His balls ached and the front of his boxer briefs were damp with pre-cum. Ross’ hand squeezed Parker’s cock through his jeans and he hissed as he clutched at Ross’ arm. “Jesus. I’m going to lose my mind before we get home.” He whimpered. Ross’ jaw twitched as he changed lanes.

“Take it out.” He said firmly and Parker’s eyes flared as they swung toward Ross.

“What?” Parker screeched in disbelief.

“Take your cock out.” Ross commanded as his eyes remained fixed on the road. For a moment, Parker thought about arguing. They weren’t teenagers and they were only about five minutes from home. But somehow, his shaking fingers had already slipped the button free and were tugging the zipper down. Parker reached into the gaping front of his jeans and he sighed in relief when he released his angry, pulsing erection. Ross’ hand closed around it and Parker gasped as he began to stroke.

“Fuck, Parker.” Ross breathed as his hand slid slowly up his length. “That’s so beautiful.” Ross groaned as his hand slid back down. “And you’re so hard.” He licked his lips and Parker hissed as Ross’ hand reached deep and curved around his sack. Parker’s head fell back against the head rest and his eyes shut as Ross’ hand returned to his shaft and started to tug firmly.

“Oh, God…” Parker whispered urgently. “You’re going to make me come, Ross.” He warned and Ross shook his head as he squeezed the base of Parker’s erection.

“Not yet.” He growled as he stopped at a light and turned to Parker. “Wait until we get home. I want to swallow every drop of that after I’ve tasted every inch of your cock and sucked on your balls.” Ross demanded and Parker nodded as he clawed at the door and clenched everything, trying to hold his orgasm off, denying the tickling and tensing of his nerves and the swelling pleasure and pressure that filled his sack.

“Please, hurry!” Parker begged as his hips rocked rhythmically, silently urging Ross to keep stroking.

“We’re just about there.” Ross promised as his thumb swept over the head, collecting the dribble of pre-cum that leaked from it. He raised his hand and hummed in delight as he sucked his thumb clean.

Parker almost sobbed in relief when Ross pulled into the driveway and quickly shut off the car. He leaned and his shoulders dropped and Parker yelped in shock when Ross’ lips closed over the end of his cock and sucked hungrily.

“Ross!” Parker hissed as his head swung around, looking outside the car for anyone that might see them. The street was clear and Parker relaxed slightly. “We can’t do this here.” He whispered urgently. A moment later, Ross sighed heavily as he raised his head.

“I just wanted a taste.” He explained before his hands cupped Parker’s face and he pulled him close for a quick, demanding kiss. “Hurry up and get inside.” Ross ordered before he opened the door and jumped out. Parker cursed as he tugged his jeans in place and carefully settled himself before zipping and buttoning his fly. He half walked and half jogged awkwardly to the door and gasped as the breath was knocked from him as Ross threw him against the door as soon as he was through it.

“Thank God.” Parker mumbled as he reached for the fly of his jeans but Ross pushed his hands away. Within seconds Parker’s jeans and boxer briefs were around his ankles and Ross was on his knees. “Oh, God! Yesssss…” Parker’s head lolled against the panels of the door as his fingers sifted through Ross’ hair as Ross licked up the length of his cock.