Crashing Back Down (16 page)

I went through the motions of the next few days, just self-medicating with alcohol, stupid TV reruns, a book I had read a thousand times, and work. I ignored the calls from Cali, my mother and everyone else who felt the need to check up on me. The only call I answered was from Mitch. I knew he needed me, and we talked for a while about how his shattered family was handling everything.

He and his father had not heard from Eva since she ran away. We both figured it was all for the best. Mitch had been pretty worried about Buck, and decided that it was in both of their best interests if Mitch moved back home for a while. The conversation started to lean in a direction I was not comfortable with, and when Mitch asked how living with Walker was going, I ended the call lying that work was on the other line. I felt like a complete batty loon, coward, idiot, harlot, and many other things all rolled into one.

For the first time, I was excited to be sitting in my therapist’s lobby. I desperately needed advice, or really, someone to make decisions for me. Dr. Davenport was sickeningly cheerful, ushering me in from the waiting room. Her hair was done in bouncy curls and she had a hint of red lipstick on, which made her skin look almost pasty white. She smiled wide at me, taking her regular seat across from me on the couch, daintily crossing her ankles as she opened her note pad to write. She looked up at my blood-shot eyes, forcing her cheery smile to twist into a frown. “Have you been getting enough sleep, Mags?”

The amount of concern that filled her voice made me feel sick. “Yeah, I guess so.” I slouched down onto the back of the couch. I didn’t know why I was lying to my therapist, but it seemed like the correct answer.

Candice stared at me for a minute, analyzing my gaze. “So, have you considered having someone move in or not?”

I couldn’t believe how much had changed since the last time I had seen her.
Has it really only been a week since my last session?
Anger at her stupid suggestion of having a roommate in the first place, forced me to lash out. “Terrible! Why couldn’t you have just told me to get a freaking dog or something?” Tears already were starting to pour from my burning eyes and my face and neck were hot with anger at myself and at the terrible situation I had dug myself into.

Shocked at my response, she shifted in her chair. “What happened? Did someone move in already?”

I tried to calm my temper and being as polite as possible, forcing a softer expression as I took the tissue from Candice’s dainty hand. I explained to her about Walker moving in and how I was conflicted. I told her everything up to Sunday’s events. I was still ashamed of my feelings and actions from that day. I did not feel right letting those words escape me. Mostly, it was from fear that if I said it out loud, it must have really happened.

My therapist calmly sat, letting me finish my whole story, well, everything up to my evening ending with Cali. I didn’t know how to put the rest into words, so I didn’t. I just waited, hoping Candice would take over the conversation. Her hand stopped writing, as she gazed up into my eyes, her voice low. “So, have you made up your mind about your roommate? Do you think you have feelings for him?”

YES!
I silently screamed, but my body just shrugged shyly, fading more into the couch.

“This is something we need to explore. Please, Mags, I am here for you to tell me anything. Don’t hold back on yourself, it will only delay progress.”

Not wanting to fight my feelings anymore, I finally let myself open up to my therapist. I relaxed my body, forced in a deep breath and began to finish my story. Once I got to the point of asking Walker to leave for a little while, a little bit of sadness settled in. I realized then that I truly missed him.

I had not seen or heard from Walker since he left my house. It was odd for us, usually talking every day, especially since we were supposed to be roommates. I sighed, wondering what he had told Jim and Liz about why he had returned. It was strange for Liz not to call me if she thought something was wrong. I planned hat after my session was over, I was going to call her to “check in” but really it was to get information about Walker.

I realized my body had stiffened again as Candice began, looking up from her notepad. “Let me just see if I have the time line of events correct.” She paused and waited for my nod of approval before continuing. “You asked Walker to move in Wednesday on your way to work. By the end of the day on Thursday, he was all settled in. Friday you and he went out, leading into your fight, ending this past Sunday with finding out Walker didn’t sleep with the girl and then sleeping with him yourself.” I stared at her, my lips parted, letting the reality of how fast everything had happened. In my shock, I could only nod yes to confirm her chronicle.

Candice shifted in her seat, leaning over and reaching for my hands, I hadn’t realized how badly they were shaking. With warm, thoughtful eyes, her voice softened. “Mags, let’s talk about what is really bothering you.”

I nodded, but didn’t know what I was supposed to say. There was misunderstanding and pain settling in. I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. When I felt Candice’s warm hand on my forearm, our eyes met. She had a look of concern as she continued. “Are you worried someone might replace Randy?

Tears started to well up in my eyes, realizing her words were true. I nodded again and she continued, never moving her hand or changing her expression, “I would like you to try to forgive yourself for wanting to be happy. I would like for you to try to understand that your vows were fulfilled and he would want you to move on. I want you to know that you deserve happiness and to be loved again.”

She handed me the box of tissues, pausing for a minute for my sobs to calm a little. Her words were piercing into me causing me to gasp for air. Candice grabbed my hand again, regaining her thoughtful eye contact, “I want you to let yourself fall in love again. If it happens to be with Walker, or with someone else, it does not matter. But,” She paused for a brief second, choosing her words carefully, “You need to free your heart to make room for someone new. I am not asking you to stop loving Randy. What you shared was magical and no one will ever be able to replace him to you.”

I was shuddering, crying, sobbing; acting like a blubbering fool. I could not compose myself. Everything that was just said I knew but never let myself think about or feel. Every suppressed emotion was smoldering, blistering my entire body. I went through the motions instead of allowing myself to grieve appropriately or let go; now it was being forced upon me. I involuntary took a few deep breaths as Candice instructed and they surprisingly helped. I was able to stop the almost hyperventilation, leaning back to try to calm my rigid muscles.

For a few minutes, we sat in silence; while Candice kept a soft, compassionate hand on mine. All I could do was stare at the floor, still shaking a little. She settled back down into a seemingly more comfortable position and asked me again in a whisper, “Mags, do you think you have feelings for Walker?”

This time I nodded yes as I let my head collapse into my open hands, tears falling more furiously down my cheeks, my nose even starting to run. Guilt washed over my body like icy water. I looked up and grabbed a few more tissues, waiting for more questions to be fired away, but they never came. Candice looked down at her watch, smiled sheepishly at me and told me she thought that our session had been very successful. She looked satisfied when I agreed, starting to leave her office, turning back quickly when one final question came to me, “What do you think I should do about Walker?” My voice was pleading and trembling, my eyes matching my tone.

She grinned at me again, put a loving hand on my shoulder and pulled me into a much-needed hug.

“I think I am going to call Walker, we have a lot to figure out and talk about. Thank you.” I pulled away from my therapist.

She nodded at me with a reassuring smirk and wished me luck as I opened the door to leave the building.

I
took a deep breath as I turned onto my street. On my way home, I would pass the McManus’ house and I had planned that, if Walker’s truck was in the driveway, I was going to stop and talk to him. Right after I told Candice I was going to call him, I knew I would chicken out. Face-to-face was the only way I wouldn’t be able to back out of this one. In person, I was a terrible liar, and I was counting on that to make myself grow the balls to tell Walker how I felt. My heart started racing as I pulled past the red brick pavers to find that Walker’s truck was nowhere in sight. I was surprised at my lack of relief and how disappointed I felt.
I had really psyched myself up for that one.

I parked Randy’s truck in its spot in my driveway and without climbing out, I dialed Liz’s number. It had been far too long since we has caught up, and a little bit of guilt waded into my mind. I figured she would be able to give me some idea on how Walker was feeling without making me seem like a spy, which kind of made me feel bad, but I really needed to figure all this out and fast. I didn’t know how much longer I was going to be able to live like this and frankly, I was sick of it.

I smiled when I heard a warm voice greet me from the other end of the line. “Oh, Margret! How wonderful to hear from you,” she sighed a little with relief. “You know we’ve missed you? How is it that we’re neighbors and still we barely get the pleasure of your company?”

I forced a giggle. “You know how busy work can get for me and all.” I trailed off for a second before continuing. “I miss you guys, too.”

“Will you please come visit soon? How about dinner sometime in the near future?”

“Of course Liz, we’ll plan for dinner soon!”

I loved that she was making plans without forcing me into a committed time. Liz was great about trying to make as little pressure for me as possible. I knew I had an open invitation to their home anytime I wanted, but knowing they wanted to see me helped relax me and put my mind at ease.
Maybe Walker didn’t cause too much alarm and red flags by returning to their home after all.

We continued to small talk about the new sweater she found on sale for seventy percent off, and how Jim was still fighting off retirement, saying that he’d go crazy cooped up in the house.

Finally, I was able to butt into the conversation. Gaining enough confidence I choked out, “How’s Walker been doing, Liz?”

Her voice turned almost sad. “He’s moping around again, scared that you’re mad at him and all. I won’t pry though. Your relationship is something I never wanted to get into the middle of. You know though, Mags, he’s a good one.”

Her choice in words was strange to me. I couldn’t help but wonder what Walker had told her. I tussled my hair angrily at the thought of what Walker might have actually divulged. Liz was Randy’s mother. He had no business bringing her into this. But, maybe he hadn’t. He could have just told her that we didn’t work out as roommates.
Ugh
, I was so confused.

I ended the call telling her I loved her, and that Walker and I would be fine, just needed to get into the groove of our new arrangement. At that clarification, a sigh of relief came from my mother-in-law that made me wonder again what she might have known, or assumed.

I turned off the truck and hopped out with a swift glance back at the McManus house. I sulked inside, and my house felt bigger and lonelier than normal. I knew why and shivers ran down my shin and goose bumps erupting from head to toe. It wasn’t that I was missing Randy; it was that I wanted Walker’s company. This new type of guilt was starting to become all too familiar, and my stomach knotted into a painful mess. I walked into the kitchen and poured myself yet another glass of my coping mechanism. Taking one sip, I stared at my reflection in the crystal that was given to us as a wedding present and without really thinking, I launched the glass across my kitchen, making it crash against the wall. Purple streaks started to run down the off-white paint Randy had applied the first night we moved in. I slid to the floor and cried for what felt like hours.

I knew I was going to have to learn to live with all of these horrible thoughts and emotions. I knew it was not going to be easy, but I really needed to let go. Moving out of my home was never an option because that was the one thing I truly knew would tie me to Randy forever. I felt like, as long as I had the memories we had built together there, he would never be gone. With the shattering of the glass, I felt a pint-sized bit of his hold on my heart lighten a little.
Just another small break through that I have to be proud of…

I felt my stomach rumble but keeping down food didn’t seem like an option. I was hurt Walker still hadn’t called, but I had to keep reminding myself that he promised to leave me alone until I contacted him. Walker had always kept his promises to me, so I guessed I shouldn’t have been too surprised.

I wondered if Liz had told him about our conversation, and wished I knew how much they talked. Liz always was good about respecting my privacy, so I figured she hadn’t told him I called.