Crashing Back Down (20 page)

Taking his seat across from me, Walker rested his hand gently on mine, a soft expression spread quickly starting at the corner of his eyes and dancing all the way down and across his plump lips. “I’m just treating you the way you deserve, Mags. I promised Mitch, after all.”

A playful smile settled in and I laughed a little. “Well, thank you very much.”

Halfway through our meal, I felt my cell vibrate in my pocket. I looked down to find a text from my boss saying that most of the offices would be ready for work on Wednesday and mine was one of them. I was a little relieved that I was going back to work. Even though the few extra days off gave Walker and me a lot of time to spend together and figure things out, work was my escape from reality, and I was really looking forward to getting back into my routine.

“Looks like I get to go back to work on Wednesday.” I tried to sound a little sad about it, giving a frown and an eyebrow crease for good measure.

“At least you like your job, though. I’m sure you’re ready to go back.” Walker took another sip of his coffee to wash down his last bite of pancakes. “Besides, I’m going to have to report to base soon and now you won’t be too bored without me.” He smiled and winked, getting up to put his plate in the sink.

Before he could start washing the griddle and plates, I shot up and shooed him out of the kitchen. It was simple in my head; he cooked, and I cleaned. He creased his brow while he protested, then plopped on the couch to watch sports highlights in a daze, clinging to his mug filled with coffee for, what looked like, dear life.

“Don’t forget I made plans for us to have dinner with Liz and Jim tonight,” I yelled to him, while elbow deep in hot soapy water. Walker agreed to call and confirm the plans while I finished up. He walked into the kitchen before dialing Jim’s number on his cell.

“Hey Jim, how’s it going?” Walker’s voice was different when he talked to Jim, a little bit rougher than I was used to. “Yeah, Mags and I will be heading over around seven if that works for y’all.” He paused before asking if there was anything we needed to bring, and asking how Liz was doing. Their conversations were always short and to the point. “Alright, Jim, we’ll see you tonight, and we’ll bring something for dessert.”

Walker came over to the counter, crossing his arms over his chest before leaning right next to me. “Is seven good for you, babe?” A sly smile spread on his lips while saying the last word, and it sent flutters through my body.

“Yeah, that’s good.” I was hiding the giddy tizzy in my response to the best of my ability. It was wonderful to be happy again and every time I thought something along those lines, guilt always settled right in. I made a mental note to talk to Candice about that during our next session.

A small frown had formed, along with a crease in Walker’s brow as he looked at me. Shaken by his expression, I threw some suds at him. “What’s wrong, sourpuss?”

Walker shook his head and then smiled amiably. “It just makes me sad that every time I make you smile, it’s followed by a look of pain, sadness or disgust.”

I was taken aback; I hadn’t realized that my face gave me away so easily. I tried to smile, taking Walker's hand in mine. “I’m just still learning how to be happy without guilt. I’m sure you, of all people, understand.”

Walker’s eyes went cold and shallow as his face went pale. “More than you know…” His head fell as his words trailed off. He bent down, gave me a quick peck on the cheek and then started to walk out of the kitchen. “I’m gonna hop in the shower. Be out soon.”

I leaned against the sink and stared after Walker. I was shocked by his reaction; most of the time he seemed so well-adjusted. I felt bad, not knowing if I should have gone after him to make sure he was okay. Right when I was about to take my first steps, the pipes above my head started to whine as the water was turned on in my guest bath.

I went back to the dishes and finished cleaning the entire kitchen and table before Walker came back downstairs. Before his musky shampoo finally filled the living room, where I had found myself curled up on the couch, I’d started to get worried.

From a low, almost growl, Walker strode into the room with pre-made questions that quickly caught me off guard. “Why didn’t you pitch a fit last night? What that bitch did and my half-assed comeback deserved a lashing and you fucking pussied out and I just don’t get it, Mags.” Walker was pacing between the kitchen and the living room, his hand resting on his crew-cut scalp.

I sat, paralyzed for a minute, not sure what to say. “Walker, I am over being pissed for no reason, letting things build. I’m a free spirit and have not been living lately. I died that day with Randy in that fucking hellhole and I am ready to reclaim my life.”

Walker and I had never really talked about our feelings until that moment. We had always been shallow with each other and that was selfish. Finally, in the heat of this moment, ready to let it explode, we were honest for the first time. We saw each other completely and it was beautiful.

In mid-stride, Walker halted, dropped to his knees and held his head in his hands. “He was never supposed to get hurt, but I made him a promise, and I am here living with it every day. I will protect you, Liz and Jim …” His voice cracked, broke, froze and then regained its strength. “And you will never have to live with that bull, like last night, ever again.”

I stood, looking down on Walker’s tensed and shaking body.  There was something so strange about the way he was acting.  Usually, he was tough, seemingly happy, not broken and never one to harbor anything like this. “Walker?” My voice was weak, I was scared to continue. I sat down in front of him on the floor, picking up his solemn face with my hand, “What’s really bothering you? You don’t care about last night, so what is it? What do you mean ‘promise’? What are you really hiding from? Why didn’t you go back home, why’d you stay here?”

It was almost like something in that moment snapped in Walker, his muscles puffed and his veins bulged, the hair on the back of his neck and arms stood on end, his light green eyes smoldered to an almost black, he seemed to turn almost feral. 

He shot up from the floor, breathing heavily through gritted teeth, “Randy made me swear.”  He stomped over to the fridge, punching it so violently, the sound sent shivers through me.  I had never seen him snap like this.  For the first time, I was actually scared of him.  I must have let out a cry from fright, because Walker face switched back instantly.  His jaw line softened, his eye rounded and lightened into their pale green.

“Mags.” He whispered, kneeling down next to me as tears rolled silently down my cheeks.  I was cringing, holding my knees to my chest, staring in the dent Walker had just put in my stainless steel fridge.  “Look, my home sucks, Randy knew that.  So when our numbers got called he asked me to stick around here with the only real family ever had.  That’s all.”

Walker’s arms were wrapped around my body and I let myself melt into him, nodding into his chest, “You just scared me that’s all.  I’ve never seen that side of you before.”

He pecked my forehead, leaving his lips lingering on my skin. “I promise to never let that happen again.”

I pressed myself into him harder, still a little shaken. I knew every word he uttered was true. Walker was always too loyal, and I knew he felt it was his duty to take care of Randy’s family, and that included me. It broke my heart to think that what the two of us had was just based on a soldier’s survivor’s guilt, but I was too chicken shit to bring it up. Walker made me feel safe, complete and halfway sane, and I was not willing to lose all of that due to my big mouth. So, instead of opening it to talk, I leaned up and kissed Walker firmly on the cheek.

From his knees, Walker’s strong body lifted mine effortlessly onto the counter, kissing my lips and jaw line as he set me on the chilly granite. Just being in his button-down and my panties made it easy access for his hand to wander over my thighs and stomach, and his lips searched over my neck and collarbone.

Breathing deeply, he pleaded, “Mags, just please be open and honest with me.” In between kisses of lustful passion, he continued, “I want you, I’ve wanted you, just please don’t let me screw this up.”

Kissing him back, loving every flutter that was erupting in my stomach, I said, “Walker, I want this, too. We are just going to have to work on it ...” I pushed him away a little so I could look into his eyes, making sure he heard every word. “I don’t care if it’s rough, you’re worth it and I am thankful to have you.”

His kisses softened as they lined my jaw once again and made their way back up to my lips. His muscular chest flexed against me, causing my entire body to tingle with covetous lust, as he lifted me again He started to make his way to the couch. I shook my head firmly once and he halted, stopping to look me dead in the eyes, questioning my response.

“No, not on the couch this time. Take me to my bed.” My voice came out strong and very matter-of-factly. Without another word, Walker obeyed.

We embraced our newfound comfort with each other, and with the only words that escaped Walker’s lips, I knew I was done for. “Just be honest with me, Mags, from here on out. Feel free to scream, whisper, and everything in between. I want to hear it all.”

With that, we made love to the rhythm of perfection and devotion for what felt like at least an hour, and cuddled for about that amount of time after. We lay wrapped up and intertwined in bliss and understanding, knowing it was us against the world.

I was so thankful to not be alone in my fight any longer.

W
alker sat up and stretched next to me after we realized that we were cutting it close to getting ready for dinner with Liz and Jim. In agreeing for us to bring the dessert, he unknowingly promised I would bake one of my famous German chocolate cakes. It was Liz’s favorite, and usually my bartering chip for her amazing four-course dinners.

“Well, we better get to the store so we can start baking.” I stretched too, and then got up to tie my bed hair into a messy bun and throw on some eyeliner so I looked a little more presentable.

Wrapping me up into an inviting embrace from behind, Walker lips caressed my ear, teasing me a little. “Why can’t you just be a normal dinner guest and bring a store-bought cookie cake or something?”

I smiled, turning to look at the smoldering lust still flickering in Walker’s green eyes, trying to resist how sexy he looked without a shirt on, looking at me like that. “Because this is what I do and its Liz’s favorite. Come on! It’ll be fun! You can help me.”

With an innocent, mockingly cute face, Walker shook his head. “Mags, I can’t bake, I’ll burn the house down.”

“Well, frankly, you don’t have a choice. I need a sous chef and you’re it, so go get dressed and I’ll make us a list.”

Protesting a little bit more, Walker sulked on his way out of the room and I scribbled all of the ingredients onto a loose piece of paper. I was pretty excited to have dinner with Liz and Jim. I really had missed them, and with them only living a few doors down, that notion was almost silly to me. I knew I was avoiding them because of my newfound feelings for Walker, but I also knew they would support me in finding happiness, whichever road I had to take to get there.

I started to rummage through my cabinets and pantry, checking ingredients off my list left and right, realizing I had everything except for the German baker’s chocolate and shaved coconut in my kitchen. I began to line up all the needed items, when a low groan came from behind me. “Mags, is it bad I’m nervous to see the McManus’?”

Walker was standing in the doorway, head down, hands in his pockets, with a solemn look on his face. It was an uncomfortable contrast to my excitement, which confused and pained me. I made my way over to him, cupping both his cheeks in my hands, bringing his gaze up to meet mine. “You have the right to feel any way you do, Walker.” I paused, let my words sink in and then continued. “If you’re not feeling up to going or are going to be uncomfortable being there, then don’t go. I can make up an excuse about you eating undercooked chicken for lunch and they’ll be fine. I’ll have a quick dinner and then come home to you.”

Walker pressed his cheek against mine, took a deep breath, kissed me quickly then shook his head, all in rapid fire. “No, love. Look at you! You’re beaming. How could I miss that, or be scared of it?” He smiled down at me and kissed my cheek again. “Liz and Jim are family. They’ll be supportive over anyone else.”

I hugged tightly around Walker’s waist. “Exactly!”

I started to go over the list of things we needed to do for our baking afternoon. “First, I'll get the last two ingredients, and then teach you how to froth egg whites, and you’ll make the frosting while I do the other stuff.” I was going a mile a minute, bouncing up and down in the kitchen.

Walker grabbed my shoulders to stabilize me, and his face lit up with joy, “Mags, I haven’t seen you like this in, I really don’t know how long. How about this; I’ll run to the store, you preheat the oven and get started, and I’ll be back soon.”