Crashing Back Down (17 page)

Forcing myself to clean up the mess I had made, not wanting to let a stain settle into the wall, I cried for so many reasons. Even though it was only nine-thirty, I had had enough excitement for one day and made my way up the stairs. Going into my bathroom, I rummaged through my prescriptions in the medicine cabinet for my sleeping pills my doctor had given me right after Randy died, and popped two, washing them down with ice-cold water. I undressed and climbed into bed not bothering to turn out the lights down stairs or in the hall. I turned the TV onto an
I Love Lucy
rerun and slid under my covers. Before the first commercial came on, I was fast asleep.

The blaring of my phone’s ring tone woke me up thirty minutes before my alarm was supposed to. It was my boss calling to tell me that there was a small electrical fire in one of the labs at the hospital right next to my office, and to not come in until further notice. They didn’t think the damage would take too long to clean and fix up, but the fire department would have to do a bunch of testing, which could take a long time. I thanked her for letting me know, and before we hung up, she assured me that my pay would not be affected. I was truly grateful, silently, for the forced break from work, and turned off my alarm, allowing myself to be washed over by a wave of sleep.

My dream state was shaken by the other side of my bed caving in not too long after I had fallen back to sleep, shocking me awake. Startled, I turned to find Walker’s stunning green eyes filled with tears staring into mine. Without thinking or words we hugged right away, my entire body engulfed by his warm embrace. I could feel our tears mixing softly as our cheeks pressed together. The bristles on Walker’s face from not shaving for a few days were uncomfortable but I couldn’t bring myself to pull away. I never wanted to let go and in that moment it was clear what I wanted, or maybe needed, and I finally was holding it.

Softly, Walker sighed that he was so sorry and whispered that he needed to learn how to deal with his hasty temper. His words were comforting and soft, but made me cry harder. I pulled away from him so our eyes could meet again, his hands cupping my cheeks gently as I whispered, “This is not your fault. I was the ass.” He pulled me in again and we agreed to disagree for now. Whoever’s fault it was not the point. All that mattered was having Walker beside me.

I breathed in the mixture of his cologne and tears, pulling in as close as physically possible. Walker shifted our bodies until we were lying down in a more comfortable position and cuddled me from behind. For what had to have been at least an hour, we just lay there, silently embracing each other. Finally, Walker bent over and kissed me passionately on the lips, almost forcefully, but it was gentle at the same time. Propping myself up a little on my elbow, I kissed him back, softer though, trying to let him know I still needed a tender moment. Walker’s body relaxed into mine and held me close for a while longer.

Walker leaned in again, but just for a quick peck on my cheek, and to whisper, “I have some awesome news, Mags.” I looked up into his beautiful face, trying to think of how much more excitement I could handle at the moment. With a flirtatiously cocky grin on his face, he continued, “I got the old gang together and we’re planning on tailgating this weekend for the game. It wouldn’t be the same without you.”

I bolted up to my knees practically bouncing up and down on the bed. “That is awesome! I miss those days so much! This is going to be amazing.”

With a cute little chuckle, Walker grabbed me again. “That was a better reaction than I could have even hoped for.”

And with that, everything felt fine again between us. I didn’t know exactly how that worked, feeling like my world was crashing down all over again, and then within seconds, feeling on top of the world. Life really had a way of throwing me for some weird loops.

Walker and I stayed in bed for most of the early afternoon, finally deciding that food was necessary.

I climbed out of bed, stretching and pulling my slippers on. Walking to the bathroom, I could hear Walker getting out of bed and putting his shoes on. I spun around, fear of him leaving again stabbed at my heart. “You’re not leaving are you?” I was gasping, about to start crying and breaking all over again, which was utterly ridiculous and a silently cursed myself for it.

He smiled warmly at me, with a slight hint of panic in his face, noticing my awful reaction to the simple action of putting shoes onto his feet. “Just really quick …” He stepped over to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, resting his chin on top of my head. “I have to run back and change out of my pajamas if we’re going to go grab some grub.” I looked down at his lounge pants and ratty T-shirt; I hadn’t even noticed them before.

“Oh, okay.” I relaxed my shoulders and leaned into him, squeezing his overly toned middle tightly to me, being able to feel each ripple through his think shirt. Looking up at him, I asked, “When do I get my roommate back?”

He kissed my forehead. “I’ll move back in tonight if you want.”

I nodded yes into his chest; feeling like a gigantic weight had been lifted.

After Walker had changed, packed up most of his stuff and got back to the house, my stomach was practically eating itself. I hadn’t eaten for almost twenty-four hours, and the pains were starting to get unbearable. Walker laced our fingers together and led me to his truck that he’d left running in the driveway. I let him walk a little in front of me, so I could take in an amazing sight of him in my favorite of his jeans, a loose-fitting dark gray cotton shirt, and snake-skin cowboy boots.

He opened the door for me, but stopped me right before I got into the seat, pulling me in and lifting my chin with his hand to make our eyes meet. His cheeks flushed with a hint of crimson as he bent down to kiss me softly. Right before our lips met, he drawled, “You’re amazing.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck without allowing our lips to part. He hugged me into him and lifted me into the passenger’s seat. Shifting the truck into gear, we started driving in the direction of Charlie’s. A sly grin spread on Walker’s sexy lips and he held one hand on the wheel and the other in mine, rubbing his thumb on my palm.

I looked over, taking in the amazing sight of Walker’s happiness. “So, Charlie’s, huh?”

He nodded very matter-of-factly. “Yup, thought it’d be the perfect place. It’s kinda like a cure-all for hunger, hangovers, reunions, fights, what have you.”

Pulling into the familiar parking lot lifted my spirits even more, especially seeing Todd’s rusty old Cadillac in its usual spot. We climbed up into our usual seats, smiling and greeting our long time bartender warmly. Orange-honey drafts were resting on coasters, burgers were ordered and everything felt right with the world again.

Walker and I chatted with Todd, keeping a respectful distance from one other. Even though we had found a good place balance in our relationship, we had not defined boundaries and both of us were scared to send the other one run again.

It wasn’t until Walker excused himself to use the restroom that Todd laid into me. With a questioning smirk coupled with a suggestive eyebrow raise, Todd blurted out what had been on his mind since we sat down together. “So? How was it?”

Innocently, I shrugged. “How was what?” Taking a swig of my beer at that moment was a bad idea, because I nearly choked when I heard Todd sassily say in a hushed voice, “How was doing Mr. Hunky-Pants-Country-Boy-Roommate?” He gaped at me, placing his hand dramatically on his popped out hip. “Come on, it’s all over your faces! You did the dirty, now I want the dirt, Missy!”

Beat red, I opened my mouth and stared at him. “How’d you know?”

“Honey, I know you
and
him, and the ‘I did something dirty’ looks both of you have had over the years. Roll them all up and you get this moment right here, which I figured was going to happen sooner or later.”

Walker’s return saved me from the mortifying conversation. I hadn’t even told Cali the story yet, I wasn’t ready to volunteer it to one of the largest town gossips. We finished our meal and had a few more beers, Todd suggestively smirking at me every chance he got until we left the bar.

Walker held my hand from the time we got into the truck, all the way into the house and cuddled with me on the couch. We nestled down tight under my blanket just enjoying one another’s company, silently embracing our comfort and friendship again. Even though our lives were slowly spiraling out of control all around us, right there, in Walker’s arms everything finally made sense.

I
was so thrilled that we were finally going to be tailgating again, as I pulled myself out of bed excitedly to my school’s fight song blaring at me instead of my normal beeping alarm tone. The group Walker was able to round up was almost our entire old gang. The plan was for all of us to meet up at the fraternity house, and then walk over to the usual tailgating spot.

I woke up at the crack of dawn to get everything ready. For a one o’clock game, we could start our extravaganza at 9:00 a.m. on campus. So, the plan was to make sure everyone was beer-in-hand at the fraternity house before the clock struck eight. The anticipation coursed through my veins as I pulled my chest cooler out of the garage and into the kitchen. The night before I had stocked up on tons of beer, limes, burger meat, and all the rest of the fixings, and started to load all of it into the cooler. I was an old pro at tailgating, being from a student body that partied harder than our team played, and I was ready to let loose again with all of my old friends.

I could hear Walker’s feet shuffling across my bedroom floor, then him starting the shower. I was shocked he was up this early, feeling bad for probably waking him. I poured a few bags of ice over the cooler’s contents and slammed the lid shut.

Still in my pajamas, I made my way up the stairs as the pipes stopped whining, indicating the end of Walker’s shower. I was humming our fight song, happily looking for my favorite college shirt that had never missed a game day yet, when damp arms wrapped around my shoulders. Grinning, I turned around to face Walker, who was only wearing a towel. Looking up into his beautiful eyes only made my excitement even more evident, but with a twinge of nerves surging up. “How do you think everyone will react to us?”

He looked down at me with a frown. “Do you want to keep it a secret?”

I could see this was something that had not even occurred to Walker, and I didn’t want to be selfish, but all of these people were Randy’s friends, too. “Walker, I don’t know. I don’t want to be the next Frat scandal.” I let my head fall into his chest, kissing his tattooed pecs softly.
Man, his skin smells so good.

“Look,” Walker’s hand under my chin gave me no option but to look at him. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. You’re so excited. We’re friends, let’s just be that for the day. No kissing, no hand holding, just Walker and Mags as usual.”

I sighed with relief and snuggled up to him. “Thanks Walker.” I kissed him deeply and then got dressed in my game day best: boat shoes, white jean shorts, and my lucky shirt. I sat on the floor and applied a simple layer of makeup while my flat iron heated up.

I turned around when I heard my door squeal a little, to see Walker with a shit-eating grin on his face, standing with his arms crossed in my doorway. “Why don’t you do that in the bathroom like normal people, Mags?”

I sighed and then smirked “You know it’s been a habit since you guys lived in the frat house. Besides, this is more comfortable.”

Walker strode over to the bed in his khaki cargo shorts and black cut off that said ‘Bust the U’ in gold letters, and took a seat. I tamed my frizzy mess while Walker strolled me down memory lane of hilarious drunken game days past. I was snapped back to reality when five text messages came to my phone all at once, all along the lines of it being beer-thirty.

 Standing in front of the fraternity house, digging for a beer in my cooler, made my entire body shake with anticipation of a wonderful day with old friends. Once I started getting messages while pampering myself, Walker hopped into action and got us straight to our fun-filled day of boozing as fast as possible. We kept a casual distance in the crowd of our former classmates. Everything seemed to be back to normal in my old world, and the comfort of friends and smiling faces warmed up my icy guilt. I was surprised about how casually people would talk about Randy, or throw out funny stories about him. I was so used to people treating me with kid-gloves that the calmness and normalcy almost felt thick in the hot fall Florida heat.

The house had not changed since the first time I stepped foot in it my first week on campus. The walls were beer stained white, with years and years of fraternity member portrait collages hanging, dating back to when their fraternity first debuted on campus. The smell of locker room, cologne and booze wafted into my memory bank and brought a smile to my face. This was the first place I met the greatest guy friends I ever had. All of those years ago, I never pictured my life to be the way it was, knee-deep in confusion and depression. Luckily, that heavy sadness was starting to release me.