Crashing Souls (11 page)

She offered a small wave.

“She’s cute. I can dig it.” He downed the rest of his beer and threw the empty cup at the back of
another
guy’s head. “Piss off, Doug,” he yelled when the guy turned around angrily. They both laughed and hugged it out. I looked at Noa, worried this was too much for her already. But she was actually laughing at the idiots.

Cups were handed to the both of us and Noa frowned. Before I could ask her what was wrong, Ralph grabbed me and pushed me toward another room.

“Look who finally decided to show up,” he yelled and everyone else cheered. A few of the girls crowded at me and I turned, trying to find Noa. She wasn’t where I left her. I felt someone tap my shoulder and looked back.

“You done playing with that emo reject yet?” Becca’s words dripped with that fake sticky sweetness that made me cringe. She pressed against me suggestively.

“Get a grip, Becca. It’s over,” I said, pushing past her. Ralph leaned into me, throwing his arm over my shoulder.

He guffawed with his buddies over my exchange with Becca, and I was left looking for Noa again and praying Becca would leave me the hell alone. I walked back toward the front of the house and there she was, leaning against the wall, coat in one hand and cup in the other. She was looking at the cup with careful curiosity.

“I’m driving. If you…you know. Want to do that.” I didn’t know how to tell her what I meant without sounding judgmental. I loved Ralph but he looked like a moron out there, drunk and loud.

She shook her head and placed the cup on a table beside her.

“Whose house is this anyway?” she asked. I had to stand close to her to hear her, which I didn’t mind at all.

I shrugged. She fidgeted momentarily before leaning forward to speak again. I held my breath as her lips neared my face.
Red lips. All over me.

“I’ve got to use the bathroom. I’m guessing you don’t know where it is since you don’t know the house.
I’ll
head upstairs and pray I don’t see something that’ll scar me for life.” She held up her intertwined fingers for luck. “You stay here. I’ll find you after.”

As she stepped around strangers, I admired the way the dark blue fabric of her dress fit her. It was simple but sexy, and I couldn’t wait to tell her when she came back.

I watched everyone drink, dance, and act like animals while she was gone. I hadn’t realized I was still holding onto my cup. I set it beside Noa’s untouched one.

I began to worry once she’d been gone for over fifteen minutes. I maneuvered around bodies and climbed the steps slowly. I was halfway up when a familiar face caught my attention.
Becca.
She was making her way down the steps.

She smirked and pushed past me, the scent of alcohol coming off of her in waves.
At least she hadn’t spoken to me.

I walked up to the first door I saw, but before I could turn the knob, it flung open and revealed Noa’s tearstained face.

“What happened?” I demanded, pushing her back into the bathroom for privacy and shutting the door behind me.

“Auditions, Dexter? Really?” She pushed me when I tried to grab her, tried to reason with her. “I’m surprised I made the cut!”

“It wasn’t my idea.” It was a cop-out. “Look, I went with it but Ralph, he was just trying to help.”

“Help? Help you get laid?” She wiped at her face with the back of her hand. “I was cornered tonight by a lunatic. What the fuck!”
Becca.
I wanted to put my fist through a wall. How had she even heard about the stunt Ralph pulled?

“Listen to me, please,” I said, holding my hands out, putting hated space between my body and hers. If
she’d
felt cornered when Becca had verbally attacked her, I didn’t want to remind her of that.

“You listen. Take me home. Take me home right now.” She sobbed out a breath. “I don’t know why I even came here. I don’t belong here.” She was wiping the lipstick off of her lips, and I understood just how quickly this night went to shit.

I shook my head. “I need to know why you’re so upset. Help me understand.”

“You’re a pig! Just like I thought you’d be. This is some fucking joke to you! And I let you get in my head; I let you in more than anyone
ever
. I’m in a downward spiral, Dexter. I don’t expect you to understand.”

“Maybe because you haven’t let me in at all,” I yelled in frustration. I instantly regretted it. “Noa, come on. You call this letting me in?”

She shoved past me and walked out, pushing into people to get away from me. I caught up to her on the front lawn.

“Stay, please. Talk to me,” I pleaded, walking beside her.

“I can’t be here.” She wiped at her tears again and it broke me.

“I don’t want to push you but—”

“Then don’t!” she screamed and whirled around running back inside. I hadn’t known what to expect when I caught up with her again but it certainly wasn’t the sight of her downing vodka. She set the bottle down and saw me standing there, shocked. She spread her arms, welcoming my confused stare. “See? Imperfections.”

She took more shots, and when I thought she’d had enough, she kept going. I figured she’d get up and dance like the other drunk people, but I began to understand that she was a sad drunk. She stumbled along, swaying to the music, slurring, and shooting me looks that made me want to shake her and beg her to talk to me. At some point in the night, she was too
drunk
to function. It had taken quite a lot of alcohol to get her to that point, which confused me. And that was when I realized I was only beginning to learn who Noa was.

Chapter
12

I
t isn’t going to be easy. Love worth keeping hardly ever is.

I groaned as the sun streamed through the blinds I’d forgotten to close last night. I sat up and blinked, feeling disoriented. I was lying on the couch in my room. Immediately, my eyes went to my bed, where I’d tucked Noa in last night. The bed had been made, and there was no sign of her. Except that I could smell her everywhere. I never thought I could relate a color to a scent, but Noa smelled like the color blue. Like slow summer rain and lavender fields.

Where’d she go?
I got up, opened the door to my room and walked as quickly as I could down the stairs.

“Where are you going?” I asked as I saw her opening the front door. “You’re just going to sneak off?” I walked over to her and pushed the door shut, leaning against it.

She looked defeated. Her hair was down and her eyes were tired.

“What is there to talk about Dexter? I was a wreck last night. I feel like I’m going backwards with you, and I can’t afford to do that.” Her lips trembled, but she kept her face straight.

“See, that’s what I’m talking about. You’re speaking in riddles, Noa. You say you’ve let me in, but I don’t feel like you have. You ask me questions, you get honest-to-goodness answers. I ask you questions—very rarely—and you either lie or you tell some warped version of the truth. I’m…” I tugged at my hair. “I’m like a starving man, and you’re feeding me fucking breadcrumbs.”

“Why can’t you leave me alone?” she asked loudly, and I couldn’t help the embarrassed heat that spread
across
my face. I straightened and moved away from the door, gesturing toward it with an angry flourish.

“You want out, there’s the door.”

Though her eyes filled, she opened the door and stepped out, closing it gently behind her.

I walked up the steps, prepared to go back to sleep and deal with her later. I stopped at the top and turned. Noa would want that. She was looking for a reason to leave, a reason for me to leave. And if I left her now, she’d never let me back in. I ran back down to the front door and yanked it open, jogging after her. I grabbed her arm and spun her so she was facing me.

“Damn it, Blue. Quit pushing me away.” I pulled her into my arms and placed my chin on top of her head. She didn’t fight me, only stood there. Finally, her arms wrapped around my waist. “I’m as scared as you are.”

“Dex, why is the door—oh.” Tracey stood outside the doorway, watching us from a few feet away, her lips in a tight line. “No shoes, huh? You guys should come inside.” She left the door open, subtly letting me know the suggestion wasn’t a suggestion.

I grabbed Noa’s hand, tugging her inside. I could tell she didn’t want to come in. Maybe Tracey made her nervous.

“Come on,” I said, smiling. My feet were freezing.

“She won’t mind?” Noa being timid definitely threw me off.

“Tracey? Not at all. She’d love to meet you.” I closed the door when we came in and headed to the kitchen where I knew Tracey was making her first cup of coffee.

“I didn’t know we were having company. Looks like you guys had a late night. Coffee?” Tracey eyed me with curiosity and when Noa was taking off her coat, mouthed ‘Noa?’ to me. I nodded and smiled when she gave me an energetic thumbs-up.

“
Uh, sure. I’d actually love a cup.” Noa settled into a chair.

“A coffee drinker? I love her already, Dex. So, Noa.” She set about pouring three cups and distributing them. “There’s cream and sugar on the table. What are your intentions? You know, with my nephew?” She sipped from her mug with mock innocence and sat on a chair, wiggling until she was comfortable. Noa coughed. I shrunk with embarrassment. I gulped the hot coffee to hide it, burning my mouth in the process.

“To get him running in the opposite direction before it’s too late.” Tracey laughed and I nearly spit out the coffee I was drinking.

“I can tell you that probably won’t happen, Noa. He’s smitten. I can practically see the stars in his eyes.” She winked at me and I groaned.

“I’m only standing right here, Tracey,” I muttered.

“See, but how can I
really
know that? I’ve known him a few days and have managed to make an ass of myself in that short amount of time. Isn’t it only a matter of time before he sees me for what I really am?”

“And what is that?” Tracey asked simply, looking Noa square in the eyes.

“Beautiful,” I answered softly, looking down at my mug. After a few seconds passed, I looked up and ignored Tracey’s knowing grin. But Noa’s eyes smiled, even though she didn’t allow her lips to.

“It’s too fast. I don’t know him at all. Is it wrong to make him work a little?” Noa asked Tracey. Noa’s eyes never left mine.

“You’re already smarter than I was at your age.” Tracey placed her mug on the counter, prepping for her second round of caffeine. “I was thinking of putting up the tree today. I know it’s late in the game, but I’ve been busy at work and then finishing up my classes whenever I can.”

“
Classes?” I asked.

“Gotta stay sharp, young man,” she answered as she tapped her temple. “Let’s get this tree up.”

Tracey wasn’t one of those people who insisted on a real tree, which I kind of liked. I lugged the boxed one up from the basement, and after nearly an hour of putting it together and making sure the boughs were stretched and bent in a realistic manner, she grabbed the boxes of delicate ornaments and lights.

I untangled the strings of lights and made sure the bulbs worked while Tracey got her third cup of coffee in and told us about the guy who’d asked her out. It was more like she was telling Noa and I just hummed along. I looked over at the pair of them, and it dawned on me that maybe Tracey missed female companionship.

When I’d strung the lights on the tree, I stepped back and smiled. I had stirrings of what felt like memories, but the more I clung to them, the quicker they disappeared. I was disappointed. I wanted to know things. But this was my life now, so I had to get used to creating something new with people who’d already created memories with the person I used to be.

Tracey made quick work of placing the glass bulbs and ornaments on the tree, employing Noa as well. Each time she stepped back from the tree after hanging something, Noa’s eyes lit up brighter than the lights on the tree. They laughed and joked, and I had the best afternoon I could ever remember. The tree was beautiful and Noa was a part of that. Quickly, before she could fight it or realize it, she was becoming a fixture in my life.

When it was time to place the star on top, Tracey handed the ornament to me and I set it on top.

“Ever since you were a little boy, that has always been your thing. Dex puts the star on top of the tree,” she murmured with a sigh, stepping back and blinking rapidly.
Not the tears.

“
I’m sure you’ve grown tired of Tracey,” I said jokingly to Noa. “Ready for me to bring you home?” She nodded as the lights from the tree bounced off her face.

I told them I was going to shower and I stepped away, heading to my room.

“How did you know my name? I didn’t introduce myself,” Noa asked when she thought I was out of earshot.

“You’re the only person he’s talked about since the accident. Well, except Ralph. I’m sure he’s told you about his amnesia. He was different before. Angry and untouchable. I loved Dexter before it happened. But, and don’t tell him I said this, Dexter now…he’s been touched. He’s been touched by something spectacular. And, I think you have too.”

I stopped at the steps, waiting to hear what Noa responded with.

“Maybe,” she whispered.

•••

I parked in front of the brick apartment building and turned to Noa.

“I never did ask you how you were feeling.”

“About last night? The drinking or the…other stuff?” Her voice was uncertain, despite her usual demanding and quick words when asking a question. She didn’t quite request. She required.

She didn’t want to talk about last night at all.

“Both?” But if I was going to make this work, I was going to have to push her and not run when I found out something unflattering. She was going to have to realize that I wanted to be around simply because I wanted to be around her.

“Do we have to do this?” Her eyes were shut. When she opened them, she glanced out toward her home.

“
I wish I could look inside your head. I wouldn’t want to read your mind. I’d want to feel what you were feeling,” I whispered, wishing for it more than anything. Those same words she’d sent me held weight when I said them back. It was unnerving to be feeling what I was feeling alone.