Crashing Souls (13 page)

Noa wiped her eyes. “That’s it,” she said, “I fucking love him.”

It
was easy to lose myself in their company, their banter had me watching them like a ball was volleying between them. And when Noa laughed, I could only smile, falling for the sound of it.

When she’d gone to the restroom, Ralph scooted over to me.

“Dude, I get it. I really do.”

“Does this mean you won’t be making fun of me anymore?” I was shredding the napkin in front of me, content with the easy task of it. I looked up at him when I asked.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, now,” he said, throwing his balled up napkin at me.

Ralph was droning on about some sport when Noa came back to the table. I wanted to put my arm around her, but I didn’t know if she’d be comfortable with it. Instead, I scooted closer to her and placed my hand beside hers. When she locked a few of her fingers with mine, I smiled to myself.

“All right, you two. Drop me home. I’m sure you’d love some alone time.”

We filed out. Ralph walked ahead of us, and I finally put my arm around Noa. She looked up at me, and when I opened the car door for her, she frowned.

“I know, I know. Not your style.” I leaned into her. “But you should just get used to it.”

She rolled her eyes as she got in, and I headed to the driver’s side. Noa took command of the music, and before long, Ralph was singing along with what lyrics he knew, making the rest up. As we pulled up in front of his house, Noa’s hand reached for mine.

If Ralph knew how ecstatic I was over her hand in mine, he’d lose his shit. But I was currently losing mine.

“All right, love birds. Have fun and don’t stay out too late. Dex, I’ll stop by tomorrow.” He slammed the door before I could say anything in return. I shrugged
and
looked at the time. If I headed to the theater now, we’d be waiting around an hour.

“What should we do now?” she asked.

I turned to her slowly. I said I wouldn’t push her. But I wanted more.

“We could always go to your house and I could meet your brother,” I offered.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She pulled her hand from mine.

“Hey.” I took her hand back. “Don’t.”

She sat quietly, her hand relaxing in mine.

“I have a better idea,” I said, pulling off. I drove with her hand in mine, and when we stopped in front of a park, she looked at me in surprise.

“This is your better idea?” She was smiling, but I didn’t know what she was thinking.
Surprise, surprise.

“Sure. It’ll be fun.” I got out, hoping she’d follow. When she did, she took the lead, heading to the swings.

“Don’t worry. You don’t have to push me. I’m a pro,” she said over her shoulder, a smile in her voice. She pulled her hair into a ponytail, and I caught the shimmer of the metal lining her ear.

“I get that you’re used to being this independent woman and all. And I’d never want to take that from you.” I came up behind her as she pushed off, grabbing the chains of her swing. “But you’re going to have to give a little, Blue.”

I pushed her for a little, not too high like I imagined she did as a child. It was a slow, steady swing, and all I could hear were the crickets chirping and the squeak of the chains as she swung. She placed her feet down, skidding to a stop, and turned so I could see her profile.

“I…think I’m a little afraid of you, Dexter Andrews.” She was so still, her breath coming up and vanishing into the air. It was dark out, and the streetlights cast a yellow glow around her. Snow fell lightly
but
I didn’t think to move. I didn’t want to break whatever moment Noa was having.

“I’m probably the least threatening person in your life right now. I’d never hurt you.” I wanted to eat the words back up. It didn’t matter that I said it. I’m sure guys who were out to hurt girls promised them they wouldn’t at first.

She shook her head. “It’s not that you would. It’s just that I’d be giving you the power to. Like giving you a rather sharp knife and praying to God you won’t slip and cut me. Or lose your mind and stab me repeatedly.” There was humor in her words, and despite the crazy analogy, I knew what she meant. I had to speak honestly.

“What if I told you I was giving you an equally sharp knife and my prayers were the same as yours?”

She tilted her head back and looked at the sky. “I’d call bullshit.”

“Do you honestly believe that?” I let go of her swing and sat in the one beside hers. “Don’t sugarcoat it. I want to know what you’re thinking for once. Not these little outbursts that you can’t help. I love those. But when it comes to deep stuff, you keep it in. Tell me.”

“It’s easier to think that. You keep coming around, so it’s pretty obvious to see you’re somewhat invested. But for how long?” She held up her hand when I opened my mouth to answer. “Don’t answer that. It isn’t a fair question for either of us.”

I kicked at the dirt. “So, where does that leave us?”

She stood up, shaking her hands out, and walked over to my car, lying against the hood. The old Dexter probably wouldn’t like that, but I couldn’t get over the beauty of it. She looked so relaxed, her ponytail fanned out against the sleek black exterior. When I stepped up to lie beside her, she scooted so I had enough room. And when our hands touched, she gripped mine tightly.
Small
flakes fell over us, and I couldn’t remember ever being so happy just existing.

“Maybe those stars are actually souls. I think I read a story somewhere where that was the case…” she trailed off, and before I could steer her back to me, she squeezed my hand. “I always ponder the universe. It’s comforting to think of something bigger than yourself. That way, if something terrible happens, it isn’t always your fault. And if something great happens…well, I haven’t been fortunate enough to experience many great things. But, I’d really like to try this, Dexter. You have to bear with me. I’ve never felt like this before. Not when it comes to someone I barely even know.”

“Like what?” I asked, afraid to look at her.
Intense, obsessed, euphoric, confused.
Those were a few things that I could think of off the top of my head.

“Dependent.” Not what I was expecting. But somewhere underneath the heavy adjectives I’d thought of, I knew I felt dependent too.

“But why is that such a problem for you?”

“I know your parents died. And I’ve wondered if your amnesia affects your memories of them. Do you remember anything about them?” I shook my head. “I do. I’d see them around, and your mom had this great big genuine smile. And your dad looked at her like she was his sun. His days revolved around her.” She ran her thumb over the skin between my fingers.

“I remember my parents, too. I remember the way they’d fight all day long. My dad would cheat, and my mom would be gone all night trying to find him. Tim was older, so he’d be out with his friends. And I’d be home by myself, trying to figure out what I’d eat for dinner. One day, my dad left. My mom left after him, as usual. Only, they never came back. I was twelve. Tim was seventeen.”

My hand was numb from the pressure of her grip but I didn’t care. She was finally letting me in. I turned
my
head to look at her. Silent tears slid toward her ears. I wiped them away with my free hand, turning to her.

“See, I relied on the people I was supposed to and they left. So what’s stopping you? Isn’t it only a matter of time?”

“I can’t make you believe what I say. All I can ask is for a fair shot at this.”

“I’ve only had a crush on you since the moment I saw you. At this point, I’d likely give you whatever you asked of me. Which is dangerous. And I probably shouldn’t have told you that.” She slapped her hand over her face.

“I have to tell you something,” I whispered. She peeked between her fingers and I laughed, pulling her hand away from her face. “You don’t have to look inside my head to feel what I’m feeling. You only have to know that it’s exactly what you’re feeling.”

“I refuse to believe you’re as dopey about me as I am about you.”

I could tell her time and again. Or I could show her. I could make it so she’d never believe anything
but
the fact that I was in as deep as she was.

I tugged her against me and ran my nose against hers. So close to her lips, I was so close but I didn’t kiss her. Her breath caught and only when I’d stayed still for a moment, did she find it again.

“It feels…intense,” I whispered, kissing the corner of her mouth. “I’m obsessed.” I kissed her chin. “Euphoric.” I kissed her cheek. “And so confused.” And I went for it. Softness and silk, her lips gave way and she pressed against me. Her arms came around me, and it felt like I was the one who was floating and she was bringing me back down to Earth.

When we pulled away, our hands still on one another, I saw the sparkle in her eyes. She sat up and hopped off the car, dusting the snowflakes from her hair.

“
Let’s go before we’re late to the movie, slowpoke.”

Could she not see the birds chirping around my head from that knockout?

Chapter
15

I
t was official. Noa was my girlfriend.

Except I hadn’t actually asked her. But we were always together. She spent Christmas with me, and we hung out and watched movies during the holiday vacation. It was New Year’s Eve, and I was hoping to take her out. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket, tapping it against my hand. Sitting nervously reminded me of the very first time I’d texted her. I typed out something quickly, figuring she’d either say yes or no. And either way, I’d be right by her side, held by invisible chains.

What are your plans for tonight?

I tossed the small football up in the air a couple times, waiting for the
ping
of her incoming text. When the text came, I grabbed my phone, forgetting the football until it hit me in the face. I rolled over and eyed the message she’d sent.

Whatever your plans are. If you’ll have me, Dexter Andrews.

I smiled.

I was invited to a party. I know last time wasn’t exactly great but I really want to try again.

Her response was immediate.

I trust you. Let’s try it again.

“Dex?” Tracey stuck her head inside my room. “What’s going on tonight?”

“Funny that you ask. I have the honor of escorting the loveliest lady in town to a party tonight.” I sat up, making room for her on my bed.

“Huh,” she said as she sat. “I didn’t know I was going anywhere tonight.” She chuckled and patted my knee.

“
Don’t stay in. It’s New Year’s Eve. Go out. Where’s that guy you were dating?” I never paid much attention to her dating life, and I immediately felt badly when her face fell.

“Well, that didn’t really work out. I forgot that men my age aren’t too keen on a woman with a teenager at home. Idiots, the lot of them. Except you. What about you? Are you excited for tonight? You and Noa seem to be getting cozy.”

I nodded as my finger hovered over my screen.
I trust you.
It hadn’t taken very long for her to tell me this. In general, we hadn’t taken very long to fall into place. I hated that the length of time determined the legitimacy of peoples’ relationships. I could bet that Noa’s parents had known each other almost two decades. Did they feel for each other the way Noa and I did?

It was hard to accept that as true, but maybe they had up until a certain point. I wouldn’t let what happened to them happen to us. It wasn’t about time. Not at all. It was about effort. And I was prepared to give Noa tons of it.

“I want to ask her to be my girlfriend. Do we…do that?” I asked. “Men, I mean. Or this generation. I don’t want to seem too old-fashioned.”

Tracey placed her palm on my cheek.

“Being old-fashioned is a rarity. She’s a lucky girl.”

I couldn’t help my grimace. “But Noa isn’t like that. She’s independent and pushes me away when I open doors for her. I want her to know that she’s, you know, mine. But I don’t want her to laugh at me.” Tracey moved her hand to her lap and pursed her lips.

“I think that’s just her defense mechanism. She’s afraid to let you do those things for her so she doesn’t come to rely on them or rely on you.”

“She’s waiting for me to mess up. It’s kind of frustrating.” I got up and walked to my dresser, pulling clothes out for tonight. “What can I do to change that?”

She
shrugged. “You can stay. I know that you have feelings for one another. But some things only time can give you. Trust is one of those. She may trust you for some things, but you still have to earn her trust for others.”

Leave it to Tracey to take my theory and shove it straight in the garbage.

“Hey,” she said, causing me to look at her again. “All you have is time, Dex. Enjoy the journey. I remember, not too long ago, thinking that things were so life-altering. They weren’t. I was young, and I didn’t have a grip on how much time I would have to get over stupid shit.”

I put my clothes down and just stared at her. “You’re the only person I know who takes me seriously. Why?”

“I think I’m old enough to know what it looks like when it’s real. Your parents had it. And after twenty-seven years, I certainly know what it looks like when it isn’t.” She walked to the door, opening the door and looking back at me momentarily. “Wear the sweater I got you for Christmas,” she said before walking out.

I pulled it out of my closet and set it on top of my pants. I reached for my phone, swiping my screen and typing out a message to Noa.

I’ll pick you up at 8:00.

I was going to show her a good time, and the constant worry that lived inside of her would ease. I could only hope it would ease mine as well.

•••

At 8:00 sharp I was outside of Noa’s building. I sent her a text letting her know I was downstairs. No response. By the time 8:15 came, I felt a sensation at the back of my neck. Worry. So I turned my car off and headed up the steps of her porch. The front door was unlocked and I entered, heading to the floor and direction I knew she
lived.
I could hear babies crying in other apartments and there was distant shouting. I tried not to notice the stale scent of old food as I walked up the last set of stairs.