Crazy Baby (22 page)

ANDI

What normally takes five hours in a car will end up being about eight hours on a motorcycle because I’m not accustomed to riding. I’m so uncomfortable after about an hour that I have to ask Travis to pull over at a rest area and let me walk around.

Plus the vibrations make me have to pee really badly.

Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I see I have a missed call and a voice mail from an unfamiliar number. Listening to the voice on my phone, I have to sit on a park bench and catch my breath. It’s so good to hear his voice, and I can almost feel him through the phone.

He said he loves me. He’s sorry. He wants me to come back to him. Do I want to?

I do. More than anything, I know I do.

How do I tell Travis? I don’t want to hurt him for anything in the world. I feel terrible about doing this to him. But my heart belongs to Luke, and it always has. I’ve always known that, even when I was mad or hurt and didn’t want to admit it, I knew.

“What’s wrong, Andi?” Travis asks, looking down at the phone clutched in my hand. “He called you. Didn’t he?”

Looking up at Travis, I know I have to be honest even if it hurts us both. “He did. He asked me to come back to him.”

“You’re taking him back,” Travis says sadly.

Tears form in my eyes as I nod. “It kills me to hurt you, Travis. I never wanted that. My heart won’t let go of Luke, though, so I think we need to try to work it out.”

“I understand, Andi. You can’t help who your heart wants,” he says, his pain evident on his face.

Standing, I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him. “You mean so much to me, Travis. I can’t just put you out of my life, unless you tell me to. Can we still be friends?”

He takes my hand and kisses my palm. “I’ll try, Andi. But right now, it may be too hard for me to be around you and not want more.”

My tears increase, and I can barely hold the sob down. I’ve hurt him so much and he doesn’t deserve it.

“I’m so sorry, Travis,” I cry.

“I love you enough to want you to be happy, Andi. Even if it’s not with me. Come on. I’ll take you back to Vegas. You still have a couple of days before the next show,” he says quietly.

Getting on the motorcycle without saying a word, I wrap my arms around Travis when he takes off. I feel his breath hitch in his chest for a second, and my tears flow even more. About a mile down the road, a car flies up out of nowhere and swerves over into our lane. Before I can react, I realize the car clipped the motorcycle and we’re now flying out of control.

When I come to, lights and sirens are going all around me and I’m in the most intense pain I’ve ever felt. The pain in my leg is excruciating, but the pain in my abdomen is even worse. Barely able to keep my eyes open, I can feel the life slipping away from me. My body is going cold, and I just want to sleep.

My thoughts immediately go to Luke and how I’ll never have the chance to tell him how I really feel. He’ll never know that I would’ve left every bit of this behind and stood by his side—that’s how much he means to me. Traveling, living out of a bus, and not seeing my family and friends are not worth it to me to have this career.

I’ve lived my whole life with very little family to speak of, and now I want a huge family. I wanted that family with Luke. The things that matter the most but never happened are the regrets that I’ll take to the grave with me. I feel it coming, and it’s harder and harder to keep it at bay.

“Andi! Andi, talk to me!” Travis yells, but his voice sounds far away. “Tell me you’re okay, baby!”

Feeling the wind and hearing the whirl of the blades tells me the helicopter landed nearby. The medic rushes over to me, and I faintly hear him telling me to hold on.

Hold on.

Just hold on a little longer.

ANDI

May

I’m so nervous about talking to him that I’m literally shaking from my frayed nerves. Will he see me? Will he turn me away? Is she in there with him? My heart is beating so hard, I can hear the blood rushing through my ears. The roaring and whooshing almost drown out every other sound, except for my breathing that’s out of control. Part of me wants to turn and go back to the elevator as quickly as possible, knowing that if this doesn’t go well, I won’t be able to handle it. The other part of me, the part that has me standing here at his hotel room door, wants to fight tooth and nail for him.

For the love of my life.

For Luke.

Before I lose my nerve and leave, I consciously will my hand to knock on the door. I wait impatiently for several seconds before I hear footsteps approaching. The peephole darkens, and I know I’m being scrutinized. Here’s the moment of truth, the moment I find out if he ever wants to even look at me again. Or if he’ll just turn and walk away without even opening the door.

My heart jumps, my pulse races, and my breath seizes in my chest as the door slowly opens. My hands are shaking even harder now, and I’m not sure how I’m still standing. It feels like an eternity since I’ve taken a breath. My lungs are burning, desperate for a gulp of air, and my eyes are already watering.

The face that stands before me isn’t Luke’s.

I exhale forcefully, and I feel the fight leaving me along with my breath. Is this the wrong room? I look at the number again, but it’s correct. He sent someone else to the door to send me away, to make sure I get the message. My heart wrenches in my chest, making me want to grab my chest in physical pain and cry out loudly. The man standing in front of me eyes me speculatively before speaking.

“Yes? Can I help you?” the large man asks with a mixture of disdain and curiosity.

“I need to speak with Luke, please.”

“And you are?”

“Andi Morgan.”

Recognition lights in his eyes and he nods curtly. “Just a moment. I’ll ask Mr. Woods if he’s accepting visitors.”

He closes the door in my face before I have a chance to reply, and I’m left to wait again. But this time, I know he’s on his way to tell Luke I’m here. When that door opens again, there will be no room left for doubt or hope if he says he doesn’t want to see me. No chance for explanations. No chance for reconciliation. No chance for a new beginning.

The click of the doorknob turning startles me as Jeeves opens the door again. I don’t know his name, so he gets an unattractive nickname to help me feel better.

“Mr. Woods is in the main living area, straight ahead.”

I kind of wanted him to say,
“Mr. Woods will see you now,
” but that may be a little too weird for the circumstances. And this is just my odd little way of distracting myself from the task at hand.

Jeeves holds the door open for me to enter and then leaves the room when I’m out of his way. I’m glad he’s gone, and I hope that Luke’s alone. Jeeves didn’t say anything about
her,
so I don’t know if she’s with him or not. It doesn’t really matter, though. Either way, I’m here to say what needs to be said. Whatever happens then is completely up to Luke.

As soon as I enter the living area of his suite, I hear the music playing softly through the gifts I got him last Christmas. When we were still happy together. The song is our song, “Familiar Taste of Poison,” and it gives me hope. He’s playing our song—the one that signifies our first acknowledgment of feelings for each other. The song that has been our signature song for our entire relationship. Hope wells up in my heart and emotions clog my throat because he’s still
my
Luke.

He’s standing with his back to me as he stares out the window into the Vegas night. We’re too high up for him to be able to make out any of the people below, and from his reflection in the glass, I can tell he’s deep in thought. Thoughts of us? Thoughts of why I’m here? Good thoughts?

Please, God, let them be good thoughts.

His button-down dress shirt is stretched tight across his broad shoulders and tapers down to his narrow waist. His dress pants fit him perfectly, accentuating his muscular legs and equally muscular ass. I can’t help but wonder if he’s been out on a date with her, with him being dressed nicely. The thought of them together absolutely kills me.

Clearing my throat that’s dangerously close to closing up on me, I begin to speak.

“Luke,” my voice cracks.

Without turning to face me, he speaks. “Oh, wait. Let me change the song to something more appropriate.”

Walking to his right to the desk, he picks up the stereo remote and hits the button to scroll through his music. The song that blasts through the speakers next shreds my heart and dashes any hope I foolishly had for us.

“You Give Love a Bad Name” by Bon Jovi blares through the room, echoes off the walls, and rips my heart into a million pieces. I can’t help but think my life will never be the same again.

Without looking at me, he walks back to his spot and stares out the window again. The remote is still in his hand, and he turns the music down after Jon yells the beginning lyrics at me.

“What do you want, Andi?” His voice is so cold, distant, and lifeless. Loveless.

Taking a deep breath, I steel myself for the words that must be said, regardless of the outcome. If I don’t try, I know I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.

“Only to talk to you. There are a few things I need to say, that I want you to hear. If you want me to leave after that, I’ll go.”

“Some things are better off left unsaid.”

“Not this.”

“Fine. Say what you came to say, and then get out of my room and my life.”

His strong jaw is set, his eyes are hard, and even in the reflection, he won’t look at me. He purposely keeps his eyes from straying in the direction of my reflection.

“I’m sorry for the things I said last time we spoke. I was mad, and hurt, but I didn’t really mean them. Maybe I wanted you to hurt, too.

“I’ve realized that what we had is definitely my love of a lifetime, and there’s nothing, and no one, in the world that even compares to you. Being on tour, traveling all the time, and being away from you are not what I want. I got caught up in the excitement of performing in front of thousands of people for a short time. But when it comes right down to it, you’re the only person who means anything to me.

“I love you, Luke.” I manage to withhold a sob. “I love you more than anything. No matter what’s happened, if you asked me, I’d drop everything and run to your side right now. No regrets, no looking back, and no questions. I finally see that there’s no time for fear, no time for regrets, and no time to be apart if we want to be together.”

I can see his jaw working as he grinds his teeth. His hands are at his sides and they’re curled into tight fists, as if he’s getting ready to pounce on an unsuspecting opponent. He waits at least a full minute after my last word before he speaks.

“Is that all?”

“Yes,” I reply, deflated. Our time together has passed, and any chance of mending this burned bridge is nonexistent.

There is one truth that I have learned through all of this. True love doesn’t end. If someone says they just fell out of love, they never really loved in the first place. Love doesn’t just stop, it doesn’t wither and die, and it doesn’t diminish. The love I have for him will remain in my broken heart forever. Luke will always own my heart. Even if I could take it back, I wouldn’t because that would be an insult to love. I’ll carry him with me for the rest of my days.

Will I love again? Will I eventually move on and find someone else? I can’t fathom it now. But in time, maybe someone else can have a small part of what’s left of my heart. I’ll stay away from Luke and try to forget, but the scars of love will remain. I lower my chin to my chest and sob quietly. My tears drop from my eyes to the floor. My vision is blurry, and I’m shaking so much that I’m afraid to try to walk out.

But that’s what he said he wants from me. That’s what I said I’d do.

As I turn to leave, I stop at the stereo and pick up his iPhone. Scrolling through the music, I find the song I specifically put on it. The song isn’t even available through the store, so I had to load it directly from the physical CD. It was that important to me that he listen to the words of this ballad, and even more so now.

I stop for a few seconds and listen as Garth Brooks’s version of “To Feel My Love” plays softly. If only I could make him feel my love again, maybe things would be so different right now. He’s so close, but I can’t touch him. He’s only mere feet away, but I can’t show him my love. He may as well be thousands of miles away instead of in the same room with me. My quiet sobs start to become louder, so I turn to leave his room, his life.

For good.

LUKE

I’m so fucking pissed off it’s unbelievable. I don’t think I’ve ever been this mad. First, when John told me she was here, I said to tell her to go away. John convinced me I should meet with her. I finally caved and let her come in to say what was on her mind. I heard her gasp when she realized what song was playing. It honestly wasn’t my intention to have that song on.

I only listen to it when I’m alone and thinking of her. I’m always thinking of her, but I’m not always alone. I don’t play the songs around the gym, but when I’m running and wearing my earphones, I listen to them repeatedly. It’s my twisted way of keeping her with me all the time. She created these playlists for me, and she took the time to put all this music on here for a reason. But no one knows that.

I knew my song choice would hurt her, and I wanted it to. I need her to leave while I’m still able to maintain my resolve. She killed me with everything she did to me with Travis, and I can’t forgive her for it. I left that voice mail, pouring my heart out and begging her back, but she never returned my call. It is obvious to me that she chose him more than two weeks ago. Now she shows up, wanting my love, and expecting me to forgive her. I can’t do that.

That is, I can’t forgive her as long as I don’t look at her. If my eyes were to find hers, I know I wouldn’t be able to resist. If I look at her now, I’ll forgive her for running to him and leaving me behind. If I look in her eyes, I’ll be lost in the deep pools of chocolate that draw me in and keep me as her willing prisoner. I’d throw all my pride away and drop to my knees in front of her, begging her to never leave me again.

Hearing what she came here to say was pure torture. I want to believe her words more than any fucking thing I’ve ever wanted. I want to believe it more than I want to win the championship belt. I want to believe her more than I want my boxing career. If those were the last words I ever heard, when she said she loved me, I’d die a happy man. Simply knowing that she loves me.

No matter what.

Do I have that kind of unconditional love in me to give to her? Obviously I do since I still love her more than my next breath. But she chose him over me and broke my trust for good. The damage that has been done is irreparable. How can there be love with no trust?

But there
is
love. I feel it deep in my soul. She’s in every fiber of my being. She owns my heart, my body, and my mind. Every decision, every thought, and every desire holds her in the center. She is my bright, shining sun, and I completely revolve around her.

It has taken every ounce of my willpower to not turn and rush to her after I asked her if that was all she had to say. One thing I know about Andi, she’ll keep her word. She said she’d leave if I wanted her to go, and she’ll keep that promise.

As that very thought manifests in my mind, it’s at this exact moment that the ton of bricks is dropped on my head.

I know her.

“You know her, man. Andi wouldn’t do that to you, Luke.”

Shane and Brandon have both assured me of her loyalty in the past, but the circumstances showed me otherwise. By the time the words of the song that’s playing softly in the background reach my ears, I realize that she’s purposely chosen this song to play for me. Even after the song I hurt her with, she still chose one that conveys her love for me. It’s just now at the part about having not made up my mind yet, but that she wouldn’t treat me wrong.