Crest (Ondine Quartet Book 3) (56 page)

It lashed out and pressed against the skin just above my heart. Searing pain whipped through nerve endings, the smell of scorched flesh reaching my nostrils.

Magic surged, a pure force both alien and familiar.

I closed my eyes, power blazing beneath my lids.

A tornado of blurred colors and discordant sounds whirled through me.

Gradually, a sound emerged from the turmoil.

Faintly at first, then strengthening until recognition sank into every cell.

His voice.

The one that read me countless bedtime stories, laughed as he lifted me in strong arms, and told me about the sky, dogs, and moon.

The sound of my dreams.

My father.

From the back, a secondary melody joined his in perfect harmony, a dark-hued mezzo-soprano melting into his baritone.

My mother.

Images and memories flashed at inhuman speed. Every part of my body squeezed, pressure intensifying.

And finally, it burst.

Tears flowed.

How could I have thought I'd forget?

It was all still there. Hidden beneath the surface at the core of who I was, it simply waited for the tides to shift so light could illuminate it.

His laughter warming me on cold nights. Making me pancakes shaped like ladybugs because it made me giggle. Showing me how to grip a pencil and draw the letter 'A'.

A mother I didn't recognize. Happy and smiling at the park, voice light with pleasure and joy. Brushing my hair, holding me close.

Telling me how much she loved me.

Images flew faster, careening behind my eyes like a film on fast forward.

We were all memories and experiences, a kaleidoscope of colors refracting through water, intersecting lines shifting and changing with each ripple.

Swept up in a narrative that had no beginning or end, a story that began far before I was born and would continue long after I was gone. It didn't matter whether it was one, five, fifty, or a hundred years.

Our time was so brief, so heartbreakingly short.

It would never be enough. The boundaries limiting it were what gave life its worth.

This was the stunning power the Armicant carried in its ugly, mashed up body. It flowed through his veins and resonated in our
kouperets
; it tied all of us to something stronger than blood or magic.

It was the origins of who we were and the future of who we could be.

Magic slowly faded and the burn disappeared.

I opened my eyes. My cheeks were wet and heat lingered on my skin. The Armicant's claw remained on my shirt, displaying the elemental brand over my heart.

I stood, proud and defiant, evidence of vulnerability glittering on my cheeks, proof of strength seared onto my flesh.

I lived. So would they.

A sea of selkies, solemn and unmoving, stared back. As one, the warriors called out.

"
Kahliev
."

RICH STILLNESS SETTLED LIKE PURE silk over the library.

Aub and Ian finished the basic framework of their project and had already cleared out.

I knew I'd find him here. He sat near the window, a book of Baudelaire open on his lap.

The question hung in the air. I needed to know.

He told me his New York Lieutenant received valuable information. The way to the sondaleur lay through the Prince.

"Tell me you didn't give him to them."

Dark blue eyes met mine. He couldn't.

I knew he couldn't and I didn't need my Virtue to reach inside for what was true.

"Why?"I asked tonelessly. "When?"

"New York. When we went after Bernard." He looked away. "I needed to provide strong enough info that they'd trust me and let me in."

"You wanted to bring more men but it wasn't for me. You thought they'd attack him."

Julian rubbed his face. "I suspected. Thought maybe even the Shadow himself would show up."

Betrayal choked my throat. He'd used Tristan to set his own trap.

Deliberately placed us in danger so he'd have the glory of presenting me with the Shadow and prove chevaliers were as important as gardinels.

"Where's the line before you fall off the edge?"

His expression shuttered. "I did it because I care about you."

"Bullshit."

He could've given information on me or himself. We were the ones on the job, the ones whose lives could be risked.

Instead, he'd dangled someone else as bait.

If he cared about me, he wouldn't have put someone I cared about at risk.

It was the kind of behavior that made selkies distrust Redavi and validated their concerns about their people and kingdom.

His hands clenched. "Asking you to love me is too much?"

"That's not what you're asking for."

"What do —"

"I like you, LeVeq."

His head snapped up.

I leaned in, really wanting him to hear me. "A lot. I like the way you laugh. I like that you'd have my back in a fight and if there was a problem you'd help without question. I like that you're clever and resourceful. I like that you took the time to train me, whatever your motivations. I even get a little jealous sometimes with how good you are at so many things and how amazing your Virtue is."

His eyes widened slightly.

"But I don't like the way you ignore me when I tell you to back off," I continued. "I don't like how you disregard my words when I'm telling you the truth about how I feel. And I don't like that you put others at risk."

"It's always been about him —"

"I would've felt the same way if you'd put Chloe, Aubrey, Ian, or any of the others in danger." My voice tightened. "I would've felt the same way if he'd put you in danger."

The difference was Tristan would never do that.

He settled back in his seat. "So if I'm not asking you to love me, then what do you think I'm asking for?"

"You want me to make you happy," I said quietly. "And that's something I can never do. It's something no one can ever do."

It was why I'd always felt the need to establish firm boundaries between us.

Julian wanted me to become his everything.

But becoming his everything meant having nothing left for me. What he wanted was something he needed to find for himself.

"Don't you want to be free?" His eyes burned. "We could leave! We could end this war, you and me. You could do everything you wanted. You wouldn't have to worry about others being in danger."

It wasn't just money and power. Or the demands and expectations others placed on you.

People were trapped by the lies they told themselves, by their fear of what lay behind the reflection.

Julian thought the bars of his cage came from his family name and elemental society.

But the real cage he imposed was on himself.

"The freedom you want isn't out there. It's inside you."

He slammed the book closed. "Do you believe I care about you?"

I heard the rejection behind his tone. He'd had a lifetime of it and deserved honesty.

"Yes, in your own way. But you want something I don't have and..." I shook my head. "I don't think it's supposed to work like that."

It was like Dylan and Amber. Or Phillip and Renee.

A deep, satisfying relationship of mutual respect and care could exist between us.

But you couldn't force something more if it wasn't there.

Julian was a Redavi demillir, a chevalier, someone who understood my abilities. Even our Virtues complemented each other.

He made sense and my life would be so much easier if I could feel about him the way he wanted me to.

But it didn't work that way.

"You're telling me you don't want anything from him?" He raised his brow. "Both of you want things from each other. That's what it is."

I leaned against a shelf and thought about it carefully.

"I don't think it's about wanting something from the other person. I didn't seek this or want it."

He made a sound of disbelief.

"No. I..." I paused, trying to find the right word. "I found it. Or maybe it found me."

"And what's that?"

It was kind of like the
sondaleur
prophecy. Unexpected, complicated, and not necessarily wanted. But powerful enough to change your life.

"I found something I need to fight for."

Frustrated eyes searched mine. "He can't give you a future."

"I know. Because I make my own future."

Moonlight splashed across his face, highlighting the line of his nose and the curve of his cheekbone. Vulnerability flashed and I wondered how many people saw this side of him.

He tipped his head back and closed his eyes. "I still remember the first time I saw you outside the dorms. You were so beautiful, so different. I thought you'd come just for me."

He'd thought I was his way out. The person to help him escape all the things he didn't want to admit he was running from.

"I told you from the beginning what I could offer."

"And I knew from the start I wouldn't be able to compete with the great Warrior Prince in your eyes." His laugh was sharply bitter. "I wonder how different it would've been if I'd met you first and brought you to Haverleau. Guess it really is first come, first serve."

All I'd wanted was for him to say he'd made a mistake and admit he'd gone too far.

After everything we'd been through, he was letting fear keep him from seeing what was right in front of him.

He was choosing the easy way out and I knew he was better than that.

Sharp disappointment rolled through me. "Fuck you, Julian."

I put everything I had into it.

He stood, his smile hard. "I wish I'd at least had that."

Only inches separated us, but the distance felt uncrossable.

He'd made his choice and I'd made mine.

I stepped back. "The chevaliers need a strong leader and you're the best we have. I need your word you'll work with us on this."

The message was clear. He had to learn to work with others or we were done.

He headed for the door. "Not my problem." His voice was aloof. "I'm outta here toni — "

"You will stay. That's a direct order."

He froze.
 

The words rang through the hushed air.

Slowly, he turned back, face sharp with incredulity. "Have you forgotten I'm Head Chevalier? You have no power —"

"I'm officially an inducted chevalier. Section one seventeen of the Chevalier Code."

Political position outweighed a chevalier's rank.

It was an obscure and rarely used provision, mainly because most chevaliers didn't have political positions.

But it applied in my case. As both the Irisavie representative and Governor-elect, I now outranked him within the chevaliers.

Fragility framed his expression. "Are you really doing this?"

He'd done this. I was establishing new boundaries now.

"Are you staying or not?"

"And if I decide to go Rogue?"

"You prove your mother and everyone else right. You were a Redavi playing at being a chevalier and couldn't really cut it."

It played on his worst demons. But it was also the one thing I knew would make him stay.

"Help me end this war and I promise whatever support you need when its done. If you want to leave or go Rogue, I'll help," I said. "Money, resources. Anything."

"Except the one thing I want."

"You'll have everything I can give."

"Nothing but war and duty. " His voice turned cold and flat. "Who would've thought you'd turn out just like your grandmother?"

"Thanks for the compliment. Will you stay?"

"Of course,
sondaleur
." His tone dripped with derision.

He turned and left, leaving a hole in my chest much larger and deeper than I'd ever expected.

***

Legs dangled over the edge. Sun peeked over the horizon, dawn's pink threads unrolling over the land.

This time, it came from below.

Shadow darted, just beneath the glassy surface. It gained speed, zigzagging through the sea. A silver beast soundlessly burst from the water, brilliant scales glittering like crystal in the air.

Thick claws thumped onto the ledge beside me. Glistening drops of water disappeared into its body.

"You asked me to show you a sacrifice."

A murmur of agreement in my mind. "Yes."

It settled beside me with a flutter of wings. Heat touched my side.

Without cost didn't mean free. It meant priceless, an immeasurable worth that superseded everything else.

It was a mother who'd give or do anything to save a child. A soldier who understood the principals he fought for was more important than the hard price he paid in doing it.

Without cost meant understanding something greater than ourselves.

"You asked me once why it's worth fighting. And you're right. Mortals are the worst monsters of all. We're flawed and scared. We lie, cheat, steal, and hurt each other. We're capable of creating real nightmares."

I gestured at the vista he showed me at our first meeting.

"What did you see when they attacked?"

"An ondine protecting a kingdom not her own."

"That's not what I saw."

I told him I'd seen a mother destroy so many lives yet somehow raise a remarkable daughter. A demillir whose last act of protection defied a lifetime of being on the receiving end of selfish violence.

A fearful ondine and a demillir who hid for years drew courage from their son to stand together.

Ondines fiercely determined to choose their own futures, whether it was against Aquidae or the oppressive demands of unquestioned traditions.

The finest detail and the largest arc.
It was the constant balance existing within the Armicant.

In the infinite stretch of time, our lives were infinitesimal. Nothing more than a speck on the horizon.

But the choices we made while we were here had enormous power.

"Sometimes it's so small it seems invisible. But there's a part of us that's not monstrous." I paused. "And there's still a chance that tiny, decent part of us will be better than the rest. Protecting it is worth the fight."

Its growl reverberated in my chest. "A great deal to risk for such a small chance."