Crossroads (39 page)

“
Where are you?” I yelled.
I turned my back to Austin and looked for Michael in every
direction. “Michael,” I called, panicking. But all I heard were the
echoes of my own voice.

“
He can’t find you,”
Austin said. “I can’t help you if you don’t want it.”

I felt relieved when I saw a
reflection on the water of what appeared to be wings expanding;
Michael must be standing behind Austin.

“
What do you mean he can’t
find me?” I turned to face Austin. But Austin was gone and Michael
was nowhere to be seen. There was no one here but me. I was lost,
alone.

I woke up with an uneasy feeling. Was
Michael in danger? Why was Austin in my dream saying Michael
couldn’t find me? As I lay on my bed trying to analyze my dream, I
was startled by my alarm clock going off. After I turned it off, I
lay back down, and cuddled with Michael’s shirt.

I didn’t want to get up and face
reality. It had been twice in just over a month that I had lost
loved ones; first my friend, Claudia, and now Gamma. Remembering
how difficult it was to say good-bye to Claudia, I didn’t want to
do it again. After I tucked Michael’s shirt underneath the blanket,
I slowly dragged myself out of bed. I started to reluctantly head
toward the closet, but instead, I found myself walking in the
direction of the window.

As I opened the blinds, I quickly
looked away. Squinting and blinking from the brightness, my eyes
finally adjusted to the light. The luminous rays from the sun
spread warmth all over my body. I just stood there and closed my
eyes, as if to melt the pain away; if only it were that simple. It
had rained the past two days, and I was relieved to see the sun. I
was glad that we didn’t have to bury Gamma in the rain. It was a
beautiful day, despite today’s event. The funeral was already
depressing enough, but I could imagine it being a hundred times
worse in the rain.

After I changed my clothes and got
ready, I sat on the edge of my bed, staring out the window. It felt
good to just sit there and feel nothing. I didn’t want to think
about “what ifs” because there was nothing I could do to change
anything that had happened. Gamma said everything had a purpose and
a reason, and everything fell in its place at the right time. I
only wished that some things that fell in place were
different.

It had been days since I last saw
Michael. I was beginning to wonder if I had dreamt him up, but the
necklace I wore every day, his T-shirt, and the scar on my chest
from Julia were sure signs that he was real.

Mom interrupted my thoughts when she
spoke. “Claudia, you ready, honey?”

“
I’m almost ready,” I
said, opening the door to look at her. We both looked dreadful
dressed all in black, with pale skin, puffy eyes, and no makeup. We
looked like we were burying ourselves. The truth was, I wasn’t
ready. I was dreading today, though there was no way out of this.
Who said funerals were necessary? Why would you want to witness
your loved one being buried underneath the ground? It was like
shutting the door permanently, knowing they will never come back.
At the same time, I understood why there was a need for a funeral;
it was closure for the ones left behind. But at this point; a
funeral wasn’t going to ease the pain of losing Gamma.

I heard my mom’s voice again.
“Coming,” I said, as I stepped outside into the bright
sun.

After the funeral mass, we headed to
the burial. We were waiting for Father Roy to get situated. As I
looked around, I saw many of Gamma’s friends, as well as many
unfamiliar faces. I wondered if any of them could be Earth angels.
Strangely, I thought I saw Austin by a tree, but when I looked
again, he was nowhere to be seen. My mom stood in front of me,
while my friends surrounded me. Kristina and Maggie stood to my
left; Patty, Andrew, and John were on my right.

I was so preoccupied with my thoughts
of Gamma and our happy times together that I didn’t realize Father
Roy was speaking. “There is an appointed time for everything, and a
time for every affair under the heavens. A time to be born and a
time to die.”

My thoughts wandered again. It was
hard to listen to the words when all I could think of was that
Gamma was gone. Her existence had already become nothing but a
memory. Father Roy continued. “We go to the same place. We were
made from the dust, and to the dust we shall return.”

My attention turned to Mom when I
heard her weeping. Mom and I had shed so many tears that I was sure
we had none left, but I was wrong. When I heard her soft sobs, it
filled my eyes with tears yet again. Then, Kristina, Maggie, and
Patty started sobbing too. Patty rummaged through her purse, took
out a pack of Kleenex, and passed it along. She also gave me a
quick squeeze to comfort me.

Watching Gamma’s casket being lowered
into the perfectly rectangular empty space that had been dug for
her made me lose it. I felt like my heart was being ripped into
pieces. My lungs forgot how to take in air. When my body became
weak, too weak to stand, I knew I was falling apart. As my heart
sunk to the ground, I wanted to collapse.

“
Please…nooo,” I cried
softly, as my hand reached out for Gamma. “She won’t be able to
see. It’ll be too dark down there. It will be too cold. I won’t
ever see her again. I’m sorry, Gamma. I’m sorry I didn’t call
enough. I’m sorry I didn’t visit you enough. I’m sorry I went
camping, and I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry that you gave up
your life for me.” My whole body was trembling. I was certain my
knees would give out, but Kristina and Patty were holding me up,
trying to comfort me, ready to catch me if I fell.

I didn’t realize others heard my words
until I saw them crying harder than before. Even Andrew and John
were sobbing. They felt the depth of my pain, the pain that was
hidden deep inside. The pain that I desperately tried to suppress
was now pouring out uncontrollably. Tears streamed faster, and
there weren’t enough tissues to wipe them. Eventually I managed to
somewhat compose myself, but short gasping sounds still
lingered.

Feeling embarrassed by my emotional
display, I gazed at the casket, knowing there was nothing I could
do. As I tried to reorganize the wet tissues, I was startled by a
voice. “Claudia,” he called to me.

It was Michael, but I continued to
stare at the casket. Was I being delusional? I missed him so much
that I heard his voice. I looked up and blinked several times.
Michael, Davin, Vivian, and Caleb were standing at a distance,
dressed in black. Were they a figment of my imagination? A clear
vision of them was just enough for me to smile on this dreadful
day.

“
Claudia.” I heard his
voice in my head again as I gazed back at the casket. “We’re here.”
He felt so close. I could almost feel the warmth of his whisper in
my ear. Then I repeated his words in my mind,
We’re here
.

Suddenly it hit me that what I saw was
real. I was ecstatic, and tears rolled down my face. But this time,
they were tears of joy. My heart was lifted and happy again. They
had come back. They came back to comfort me and pay their last
respects to Gamma. When I looked up again to see them, I was
disappointed. They were no longer there. Where did they go? I
looked to the left, right, and behind me, but nothing. Patty nudged
me and asked, “What’s wrong?”

“
Don’t worry, I’m fine,” I
replied softly and didn’t bother to look again. I wanted to see
them so desperately that my mind was definitely playing tricks on
me.

After Father Roy said his last words,
one by one everyone gently tossed a red rose onto her casket. Then
they headed to their cars.

“
You go first,” I told my
friends. “I’ll catch up with you in a second.”

Mom and I stayed behind to say our
final goodbyes to Gamma. We were standing there quietly, when I
felt a soft, warm breeze. It felt as though a hand had brushed
against my cheek, but there was no one around.

Something inside my pants pocket was
crinkling. I pulled it out. It was a note from Michael. It
read,

We’re here. See you at
home.

In my heart, in my
soul—M

I read it again. My mind was not
playing tricks on me. They were really here. I was overwhelmed with
happiness, but at the same time, felt slightly guilty for feeling
happy at Gamma’s burial.

“
Everything all right,
honey?” Mom asked, glancing over my shoulder to see what I was
looking at.

“
It’s nothing,” I said,
smiling and placing the note back in my pocket.

“
Ready to go,
honey?”

I let out a heavy sigh. “I’m ready,” I
said. I was ready to close this chapter. I know that time heals all
wounds, but it was easier said than done. It had been an honor to
have Gamma in my life. Happy memories of her were what I would
always cherish and remember. Memories were what would keep her
alive, Michael had told me once, and that was exactly what I
planned to cherish. No more tears and no more sulking, just happy
thoughts.

“
I love you, Gamma,” I
said. “See you in my dreams, or when I look up at the
stars.”

Chapter 26

After the funeral, Mom took our
grieving guests out to a late lunch. When we got home, I told Mom
that I was tired, and that I desperately needed a nap. As I headed
to my bedroom, the anticipation of finding them there was beating
out of my chest. When I opened the door, my heart sunk deeply when
I didn’t see them. Maybe they had to do something first, I thought
and decided to wait for them. After all, Michael did say, ‘We’re
here. See you at home.’

After I changed into my comfortable
clothing, I decided to take a nap. When I woke up, I didn’t realize
how long I had slept, until I opened the blinds. The sun was
setting, with hues of violet that spread across the horizon. While
I was marveling at its beauty, I took a deep breath, disappointed
that they weren’t here yet. Had I misread the letter? When I went
to my desk to reread the letter, I saw a new letter.

I miss you more. See you
at The Cliff.

In my heart, in my
soul—M

My spirits lifted, and my frown turned
into a smile. I placed the letter back on the desk. I nearly flew
across the room, startled by Davin’s appearance.

“
Hello, there,” he said,
cheerful as always.

“
Davin!” I shouted and
hugged him tightly. I was so happy to see him.

“
Claudia, I’m not
Michael,” he teased and returned the hug.

“
I’m sorry. I’m just so
happy to see you. Is everybody all right? I haven’t seen you or
heard from any of you in a while. I just can’t believe you’re
here.” I couldn’t stop talking. He just stood there and let me say
my peace.

“
We’re fine, and Michael
is better. I told you the next time I saw you would be when you
were in danger, but…”

“
I’m in danger?” I asked
frantically.

“
Calm down, Claudia.
Everything is fine. I guess I should have picked my words better.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you like that,” Davin said, as he
placed one hand behind my back. “What I meant to say was…the next
time I saw you would be when you were in danger, but you’re not,
and here I am.”

“
Oh,” I said, relieved. “I
guess I overreact sometimes. I should have known better and let you
finish. Where are Vivian and Caleb?”

“
They were sent back
before the funeral ended. Phillip found out about Gamma and gave us
permission to pay our last respects to her. Vivian and Caleb wanted
to stay, but Michael thought it was best for them to
leave.”

“
Oh.” I felt disappointed
that I didn’t get to hug and thank them for going to the
funeral.

Davin sensed my sadness. “Don’t worry,
they’ll come back. I’m actually here to take you to
Michael.”

My face lit up. “You are?” Then I
wondered why he asked Davin to take me to him. Why wasn’t he here
himself? Maybe he was still weak from the injury? After all, Davin
said he was better, but didn’t say he was completely better. “Where
is Michael? Is he all right?”

“
Don’t worry. He’s fine,”
he said quickly, and changed the subject.