Crowam 281 (16 page)

I ran back to rejoin the group. When I made it to the trail, the group was gone. I began to panic. I sprinted again like I did in the forest. I felt my legs tighten and lungs burn as I propelled my body through the muddy trail. The day was cold and damp. My shoes were drenched in mud. I eventually made it to the front gates. The gates open wide. I watched to see if anyone was around. I made my way through the gate. I saw the main entrance of Crowam. I walked toward it before another hand grabbed my sweater.

I thought it was Felix again, but Felix would not have had the strength to throw me to the ground the way this guard did. "Where the hell were you, Hudson!" the guard yelled.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," I said.

He pulled me up by my sweater. “Where have you been? Why weren't you with the rest of the group?"

"I'm sorry. I fell behind. I got a little winded."

The PE instructor and two other guards yelled also. They conducted an inspection after the run and noticed my absence. They put us all in a line, standing in attention.

The drill instructor paced up and down the line of us. His hands were folded behind his back. He held his chest high as if to say “I’m the alpha male.” He took his time going up and down the line, as if to purposely create tension before he would lecture us. "As all of you should know, everyone must be accounted for before and after any indoor and outdoor activity at any time of the day. It is within our power to conduct surprise headcounts so that we can ensure that all of you are present and accounted for. After our run, it came to our attention that one of you was missing. It is obvious at this juncture one of you decided to leave our good graces. Now, I want to know which of you knew that Mr. Hudson was no longer with the group?”

Mr. Hugo stood at a distance, watching us like a spectator. "None of you? Well, if none of you cooperate, I will have to assume that Mr. Hudson's actions were an attempt of escape by not only him, but by the rest of the group. If, however, you speak up, we will grant you leniency.”

The boys kept silent, standing in attention. The PE instructor picked on Charles, berating him in front of everyone. The instructor slapped him in the face, just like when the Bus Driver hit him on the bus trip to Crowam. “Come on you tubby. I bet you if I gave you a big piece of cake you would talk, wouldn’t you?”

“Please, sir,” Charles pleaded. “Leave me alone.”

“He says to leave him alone? Well, let me enlighten you boy. You belong to me. I will do as I wish. That goes for anyone of you blokes. I own you. Crowam owns you. Now, I will ask again. Which one of you knew of Mr. Hudson’s absence?”

Amid the line of boys, Owen stepped out from the line. The PE instructor approached Owen. “Yes?”

“I knew where he was, sir.”

“Tell me.”

“He ran into the forest, sir. He tried to escape. We tried to convince him not to, but he wouldn’t listen.”

“We? Who else knew?”

“I’m telling you what happened, sir. Isn’t that enough?”

“Tell me who else knew?”

“But I told you he tried to escape, sir. Why must you know who else knew?”

“I will not keep asking you, boy.”

“I already told you, sir.”

“Who else knew? Tell me now!”

“Please sir.”

Mr. Hugo went beside the PE instructor. He pointed at Owen and several of the other boys, including myself. Without hesitation the guards whisked us away into the underbelly of Crowam, thrown into cells, into the pit of darkness.

I crawled on the floor, hoping to find something that could guide me through the cell. I felt the sand-like pebbles on the surface of the floor rustling beneath my hands. I spread my hands out in front of me, trying to find my bearings. My hand touched a wall. I scurried to the wall and pressed myself against it. My breathing accelerated as fear engulfed me. I tried to fight it, but it was difficult being alone in the darkness. I pressed my knees against my chest and curled up in a ball, trying to calm myself down. I attempted to create the illusion that I was somehow impervious to the dim reality around me.

My chest felt heavy. My imagination concocted all sorts of possibilities. I thought anything could come out from the darkness. I thought I was seeing things as time went by. The demon from my dreams appeared, with its eyes aglow like flames. “Damn it. Get a hold of yourself Jake,” I said to myself. I wanted to leap out in a frenzy of anxiety. I just wanted to scream, but I didn’t think anyone would hear me or even care.

I lost track of time; minutes seemed like hours, hours like days. Suddenly, I became angry. Angry at my friends, angry at the world. The world already seemed foreign to me at the point I lost all sense of humanity toward my fellow man. I became cynical of the world around me, not that I wasn’t showing symptoms of cynicism in my attitude of the world before this.

I punched the hard floor, pounding away like a savage. My hands stung from the pounding. I could feel the blood drip from my knuckles. After a while, my energy ran low. I tried to conserve my strength, unsure of how long I would I have to stay in this dreadful cell. The isolation was a bleak reminder of why all of us were at Crowam.

I had the urge to talk to someone, to talk about anything. I wished to be with Hannah, not to just to make love to her, but to discuss with her anything her heart desired. Men and women are strange creatures. The necessity for companionship is as ancient as the pyramids themselves. I had feelings for Hannah. It was more than sex. It was that intimate connection we human beings crave. Being around her, I felt a sense of inner peace. I yearned to be with her. Instead, I was surrounded by cement, bricks, and steel. I started talking to myself, not just thinking aloud, but having entire conversations like I was talking with an old friend who needed advice about trivial matters. It didn’t seem strange to me at the time.

From the wall opposite from me, I heard laughter. It ended once I stopped talking to myself. I scurried to the other side of the wall. “Who’s there?” I asked. The laughter continued. “Please, talk to me. I can hear you. Can you hear me? I know you can.”

“Perhaps.”

“Who are you?”

His voice was shrill and raspy, but had a sense of clarity to it that complemented the harshness of the underground dungeon. “Ah, who am I? What a silly question. We are all the same. Lost souls, I say, unrelenting in finding what soothes our pain. What a fool you are. Nonetheless, to please your curiosity, my name is Joshua.” The name was familiar.

“How long have you been here?”

Joshua giggled again. “It’s hard to say, really. Time does not exist here. Here, it is only an illusion of the mind, only serving as a countdown to our inevitable demise.”

“I don’t plan on dying down here.”

“Ah ha, an optimist I see. Such a foolish heart you must have to believe in such silly folklore. Positivity, happiness, love, all hogwash I tell you. Hogwash.”

“Aren’t you just a cheery fellow,” I replied.

“Sarcasm! Do I love thee.”

“Why were you sent down here?”

Joshua didn’t respond. He only giggled underneath his breath.

“I asked, why were you sent down here?

The laughing ceased. I could only hear his faint breath. I hated talking to him, yet I yearned to talk to anyone. I wanted to know why he was sent here. I kept asking him. It was like I was talking to myself again. “Don’t you want to at least know who I am?”

“Who you are?” Joshua asked. “Oh fine, for all that is holy, please tell me who you are.”

“Jake Hudson.”

“Jake Hudson. Now I know the name of the boy who refuses to die in Crowam.”

“That’s the plan.”

“My friend, Crowam will kill you whether you leave here or not. A part of you dies if you stay here long enough. Innocence, integrity, call it what you will. It dies behind these wretched walls,” Joshua said.

“Then tell me, why were you sent down here?”

He sighed, reluctant. “Very well, if it satisfies your curiosity. Like you, I was determined to not overstay my welcome in Crowam. I decided to take it upon myself to check out of hotel Crowam.”

“You tried to escape?”

“Yes. Only I wasn’t sure how. I contemplated a number of strategies, none of which were realistic or suitable, until...”

“Until what?” I asked.

“There are ventilation shafts that run along the inner workings of Crowam. Like a maze, interconnecting with one another. However, they all lead to an outlet outside to the rear of the facility. I saw it when we were making the rounds during morning exercise.”

My memory began firing on all cylinders.
Joshua, Joshua
my inner voice repeated. I should have remembered his name. Felix spoke about him, about his attempt at escape. The bleak surroundings clouded my thinking.

“Wait a minute. I’ve heard of you.”

“Ah? I must be a celebrity up there.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. Felix told me about you. About your plan.”

“Felix. How is he? I guess he didn’t escape after all.”

“No. He didn’t.”

“Ah. But you yearn to free yourself from here, don’t you?”

“Damn right. How did you figure out the ventilation shafts?” I asked.

“Trial and error. At night I would sneak my way up the ventilation shafts from the kitchen. I attached a rope to the vent door in the event I got lost so I could find my way back.”

“What happened?”

“One night I decided to make a go of it. I couldn’t find the exit in my previous attempts, but I was willing to risk getting lost in a maze of vents so I could find my way to freedom. So, I made my escape, crawling through the steel vents. It was dark, so I used a lighter I stole from one of the guards to illuminate my passage through the vents. The smell was horrid, like rust and blood.”

“Blood?”

“Yes. I felt cold air hit my face. I sensed I was getting close. I was still unsure of specifically where the outlet was. In the distance I heard what I thought were screams. Horrific screams, Jake. I’ve never heard such screams before. I contemplated which way to go. I was lost. All that guided me was my light and the screams down the shaft to my right. My curiosity compelled me to follow them, to see what was up ahead. So I crawled toward the howls, which became louder as I approached.” Joshua stopped.

“What happened, what did you see?” I wanted him to continue.

“What I saw? I saw all my hope and optimism for humanity vanish. There was an opening in the ventilation shaft. I looked down upon them. The floor was stained with blood. I saw them scream, only to be silenced. Death would have been a far better alternative than what was done to those boys. In a way, only a part of them were kept alive, only to see and not feel. To lose their sense of self, to lose who they were.”

I recalled the faint screams I heard the first night I was on pots and pans duty with Owen. A chill went down my spine, yet I was infused with denial. “You’re full of it.”

“Oh, a liar I am?”

“Yea. I think you’ve been down here so damn long your head’s all twisted out of shape.”

“But how do you know that I am lying?”

“Because, it’s crazy.”

“Insanity is only a state of mind. What may be crazy to you may be perfectly sane to others. It is the way of the world. The lies are the truth and the truth are lies.”

“Oh, I suppose you think you have all the answers.”

“There is plenty of time to think behind these cell walls. I guess you can say I’ve become enlightened.” Joshua continued getting to his escape attempt.

“I tried making my way back, trying to find the outlet and escape. But I got lost in the maze of ventilation shafts. The cold air I felt before was gone, just damp air and the smell of rust and blood. I became ill and squeamish at the odor of death.

“Eventually, I made my way back to the kitchen, unable to find the outlet. On my way back to the dormitories, I was caught by one of the guards. I told them I tried to escape. There was no use in trying to weasel my way out of it. But I never told them about what I saw. If I did, I feared I might end up with the same fate as those boys. But I’m afraid, the fate of all of Crowam’s inhabitants is sealed.”

There was dread in his voice, a sobering reminder of the mystery that lay within the walls of Crowam. I was scared, confused, and most of all, angry. I felt betrayed by Owen and my supposed friends, who I felt like I couldn’t trust. I truly felt alone. Hannah seemed like the only piece of the puzzle that didn’t fit, yet I still wanted her. I imagined us in Paris at a café, better yet, New York. I so badly wanted to convince her to come with me. I still felt I could. “Is it possible to escape?” I asked.

“I suppose so. My plan is still sound. But if you leave, there is no telling what will happen to the rest of us. Escaping here will pale in comparison to the guilt you will have to live with, the anguish of knowing that your escape lead to the torment of so many.”

“I thought you said our fates were sealed. What difference does it make if I leave?”

“Well, dear friend, if you must leave, I only have one piece of advice to offer. Do not follow the screams, do not venture off to satisfy your curiosity.”

“Why?”

“Because what you will see will shatter that precious optimism you possess. You will lose your innocence, perhaps even a part of yourself that you haven’t already.”

“Please tell me what you saw.”

Joshua laughed again, enjoying the suspense of it all. “You’re like a child, so curious you are.”

I was getting tired. I was no longer interested in continuing my conversation with Joshua or even myself. I leaned back against the cold wall of the holding cell, eventually lying down on the hard floor. I took off my sweater and used it as a makeshift pillow. I didn’t bother saying goodnight to Joshua, dozing off in my own little cell.

I woke up abruptly. My heart raced. I felt like I just ran the bases at Yankee stadium. I was shaking, anxious. I don’t know why. I thought I was going to stop breathing. All I could think about was that I was going to just stop breathing and die right there on the spot. The darkness didn’t help either. I panicked. I wanted to scream again. I shivered and put my sweater back on. I was cold and hungry.