Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (30 page)

This embarrassing moment exemplifies one of the things I have become most conscious of in the last ten years. I have become more and more aware of (1) how
true
emotions can feel during crucial moments and (2) how
false
they really are. I have learned to be suspicious of my convictions during these moments of strong emotion and more confident that if I use the tools I've learned I can create an entirely different set of emotions.

The second thing I have learned over and over again is how much these emotions can corrupt my view of those closest to me. When I am in the grip of Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories, when my motives degenerate and I am driven by a desperate need to be right—I don't see others as they really are. Even my precious son can look like a monster.

As my brain tried to force an unhelpful sentence out of my mouth aimed at the heart of my son, I did what we've advised you to do in similar circumstances. I asked myself, “What do I really want?” I challenged my story. I asked why a reasonable, rational, decent person would do what Hyrum had done. I examined my role. In a matter of seconds I started to feel muscles in my chest relax. My shoulders dropped a full two inches. My hands unclenched. But most important, my heart did too.

As this happened, Hyrum literally transformed in front of me. He was no longer a monster—he was a vulnerable, beautiful, precious boy. Whereas moments earlier I was thoroughly convinced my view of him was just and true, I now had an entirely different view that felt even more just and true.

Our emotions are incredibly plastic. In crucial moments they are almost always wrong. With practice, we can gain incredible power to change them. And as we change them, not only do we learn to change how we see those around us, but we learn to change our very lives as well.

After a decade of talking with people who have read
Crucial Conversations
, I'm always surprised at the number of individuals who suggest that the book has helped them immensely, yet when I ask them what specific part has been of most assistance, they hesitantly explain that they haven't exactly read the entire book. As I press further, many indicate that they haven't read much of the book at all—okay, they've only
scanned
the book—but somehow the title, cover, headers, and first few pages have served them well. And they aren't kidding. A quick glance has helped them enormously.

How could this be? As I probe further, I learn that the simple idea—that some conversations are so important that they deserve a special title and treatment—reminds individuals that as they step up to high-stakes conversations, they ought to be careful. Instead of becoming frightened or upset and then degenerating into their worst selves, they ought to bring their best conversation skills into play.

It's not as if your typical readers are bereft of communication skills. They weren't raised by wolves. When a discussion digresses, they can listen better. That they get. They can be thoughtful and pleasant, and they can most assuredly avoid harsh language and terse accusations. All of this, of course, is within their current skill set.

This means that readers don't have to study every concept and skill contained in this book before they risk speaking their mind. Many come armed with communication skills. And now, after a
brief exposure to the book, they'll be even better prepared. More specifically, if they'll simply note when they're entering a crucial conversation and then do their best to avoid transmuting into a troglodyte, they'll be just that much more likely to succeed.

The reason I find this response so refreshing is because it offers so much hope. You don't have to read every syllable contained in this book, go into intense training for months, and then emerge with the minimum skill set to survive a crucial conversation. When it comes to high-stakes and emotional conversations, it's not an all-or-nothing proposition.

For some readers, a simple reminder that they have moved from a casual discussion to a crucial conversation helps them to be on their best behavior. For others, the idea that they can catch themselves going to silence or violence, apologize, and start over helps get them on track, even when they've started off on the wrong foot. Some have found that restoring safety now permeates their every interaction. Still others find value in not telling ugly stories.

Of course, learning and applying more communication skills better prepares one to deal with a variety of situations. However, if you want to get started with crucial conversations, grab but one idea from this book and bring it into your next high-stakes interaction. It may be just what you need to find a way to speak your mind and make it safe for others to do the same.

Over the last ten years, I've been amazed at the powerful, positive impact that Crucial Conversations principles and skills have had on organizations' results and peoples' lives. We have a marvelous collection of personal stories, business cases, and research studies proving the efficacy of these skills. I have overwhelming confidence in their power and utility. But, I am frequently reminded of a sobering, balancing lesson:

If you do everything we tell you to do in this book, exactly the way we tell you to do it, and the other person doesn't want to dialogue, dialogue will not take place
.

The other person has the ability to choose how to respond to your efforts. These skills are not techniques for controlling others; they are not tools for manipulating behavior or eliminating others' agency. These skills have limits and do not guarantee that other people will behave in exactly the way you desire.

Now, before you demand your money back for the price of the book, consider another lesson I've learned. The title of the book is
Crucial Conversations
; “conversations” is plural, meaning many, not one. The temptation is to think of a crucial conversation as “my one chance to solve this problem” or as “the one conversation needed to save a relationship” or as “the one opportunity to make everything right.”

What if, instead, we see the single crucial conversation as the beginning of a dialogue—the first step toward making a negative relationship positive, the first of many steps necessary to right a wrong? What if we seek to have not just a conversation based on Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect, but rather a rich relationship based on these conditions? To see these principles and skills as ways of building relationships, teams, and families over time is to take a longer-term perspective. The wisest use of these skills is to develop habits, lives, and loves, not to use them just occasionally in single interactions.

Years ago, I had serious concerns about one of my teenage daughters. She had always been a straight A student, but then her grades tanked. She started bringing home Cs and Ds. Her grooming degraded. After school, instead of hanging out with her friends, she stayed in her room alone. I knew something was very wrong.

My repeated efforts using my very best skills to get her to talk were rebuffed with icy silence or sullen one-word replies. When
she did initiate a conversation, it was only to complain or make a sarcastic comment.

It would be easy to see my crucial conversations with my daughter as failures—not a single one created a dialogue with her or solved a problem. And yet, consistently applied principles can have a strong influence over time. Every heartfelt attempt on my part to talk with her made it safer for her. Each time I replied to her sarcastic remarks with respect, safety was nurtured. Every time I stopped probing before she felt overwhelmed, I showed respect for her privacy. When I shared my good intentions and offered to be of help, her negative stories softened.

Then came the memorable moment. After several weeks of patient effort, when she felt safe enough, she approached me, shared her problem, and asked for my help. Our conversation created understanding and options, and gave her the resolve to pursue them.

If you use these skills exactly the way we tell you to and the other person doesn't want to dialogue, you won't get to dialogue. However, if you persist over time
, refusing to take offense, making your motive genuine, showing respect, and constantly searching for Mutual Purpose,
then the other person will almost always join you in dialogue.

1
. Clifford Notarius and Howard Markman,
We Can Work It Out: Making Sense of Marital Conflict
(New York: G.P. Putnam's Sons, 1993), 20–22, 37–38.

2
. Dean Ornish,
Love and Survival: The Healing Power of Intimacy
(New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1998), 63.

3
. Ornish,
Love and Survival: The Healing Power of Intimacy
, 54–56.

1
. Cathleen F. Crowley and Eric Nalder, “Within health care hides massive, avoidable death toll,”
Hearst Newspapers
, August 10, 2009.

1
. The Arbinger Institute,
Leadership and Self-deception: Getting Out of the Box
(San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler, June 2000), 72–74.

ABC skills (agree, build, compare) in,
170
–172,
219

Accountability:

in decision making,
186

importance of,
13
–14

living up to agreements,
82
–83,
193
–194

Accusations,
77

Action:

emotions and,
104
–105,
106
–107,
112
–113

skills and questions in,
216
(
See also
Decision making Path to Action)

Adrenaline:

in crucial conversations,
5

need to calm down,
202
–203

in Starting with Heart,
42
,
45

Advocacy, excessive,
150
–153

Aggressiveness,
57

Agreement, in listening,
170
–171,
219

AMPP skills (Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime),
162
–167

Anger:

adrenaline and,
5
,
42
,
45
,
202
–203

contrasting and,
89

need to calm down,
202
–203

stories about,
103
–104

Apologizing:

contrasting versus,
87
,
143

to mend safety violations,
84
,
97

Appeals to authority,
151

Assignments,
183
–186

Attacking, as violence,
61

Authority:

appeals to,
151

in decision making,
179
–180

deference to,
194
–195

insubordination,
204
–205,
208
–209

Avoiding,
59

Bad-mouthing,
7
,
61

Barry, Dave,
211

Behavioral cues,
54
–55

Belittling,
61

Bierce, Ambrose,
33

Body language:

mirroring,
163
–164

in Starting with Heart,
38
,
40
,
44
,
54

Brain:

in crucial conversations,
5
–6

reengaging,
56
–57

refocusing in Starting with

Heart,
42
–43,
44
,
45
–47

in refusing Fool's Choice,
45
–47

safety violations and,
56
–57

Brainstorming, in creating Mutual Purpose,
94
,
95
–96,
98

Building, in listening,
171
–172,
219

Bullying,
13

Butler, Samuel,
26

Career progress, crucial conversations in,
10
,
20
–23

Change, avoiding Fool's Choice in,
44
–47

Command decisions,
181
,
195

Commitment:

accountability and,
82
–83,
193
–194

to seeking Mutual Purpose,
91
–92,
94
–95,
97
–98

Comparing, in listening,
172
,
219

Conditions of conversation:

dual-processing and,
53
–54,
55
,
57
,
62

Mutual Purpose,
76
–78,
82
–96,
191
,
198
,
206
,
209