Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (31 page)

Mutual Respect,
79
–90,
204
–205

personal Style Under Stress,
61
–69

safety and,
52
–54,
55
–56,
61
–69,
76
–82

watching for,
53
–54

Confidence:

in asking for others' paths,
143

in maintaining safety,
133

in State My Path skills,
133
,
141

in talking tentatively,
143
–146

Conniving behavior,
13
,
151

Consensus decisions,
182

Consultative decisions,
181
–182

Content of conversation:

dual-processing and,
53
–54,
55
,
57
,
62

intent and,
76
–77

personal Style Under Stress,
61
–69

safety and,
52
–54,
55
,
61
–69,
74
–76

stepping out of,
74
–76,
82
–90

Contrasting,
84
–88

apologizing versus,
87
,
143

in clarifying deliverables,
185

examples of,
85
–87,
89
–90,
96
–98,
217

nature of,
85
–86

practice in,
89
–90

for prevention or first aid,
88

in providing context and proportion,
87
–88

in putting it all together,
213
,
217

to rebuild safety,
97

for sensitive personal issues,
206
–207

in State My Path skills,
142
–143

for tough situations,
206

Controlling:

of stories,
111
–122

as violence,
60

Couching,
59

CRIB skills,
91
–96,
97
–98

Cross-functional cooperation, silence and failure of,
12

Crucial conversations:

aversion to,
197
–198

avoiding Fool's Choice in,
21
–23,
36
,
44
–47,
119
,
125
,
134
,
209

best at dialogue,
75
–76,
91
,
106
–107,
133

building safety in,
73
–99,
213
,
215
,
217

characteristics of,
1
–3

common subjects for,
8
–9

CRIB skills in,
91
–96,
97
–98

crucial moments in,
11
,
222

decision making versus dialogue,
178
–179

defined,
3

dialogue in,
19
–31,
178
–179

examples of,
29
–30,
70
–71,
99
–101,
127
–129,
153
–154,
172
–174,
216
–222

Exploring Others' Paths,
143
,
146
–147,
155
–175,
197
–198,
215
–216,
218
–219 (
See also
Listening)

failed,
51
–53,
56
–57

free flow of meaning in,
55
–56

good at dialogue,
75
,
91
,
106

handling tough situations,
189
–209,
229
–230

honesty versus friendship in,
22

impact of,
12
–16

importance of,
2
–3,
9
–16

killers of,
38
–40

learning from,
223
–230

Learning to Look in,
51
–72,
112
–113,
200
–202,
214
(
See also
Safety)

learning to spot,
54
–55

Making It Safe,
73
–99,
213
,
215
,
217

Master My Stories,
103
–130,
215
,
217
–218

Move to Action,
177
–187,
216
,
220
(
See also
Action; Decision making)

Mutual Purpose in,
76
–78,
82
–96,
209

Mutual Respect in,
79
–82,
204
–205

nature of dialogue,
179

options for handling,
2
,
4

Pool of Shared Meaning in,
24
–28,
74
–75,
143
,
178

preparing for,
213
–220

problems in handling,
4
–8

putting it all together,
211
–222

responses during,
5
–6

role in improving relationships,
14
–15

safety at risk in,
51
–72

silence and (
see
Silence)

Starting with Heart in,
33
–49 (
See also
Starting with Heart)

STATE my Path,
135
–147 (
See also
Persuasion; STATE My Path skills)

in Style Under Stress Test,
69

worst at dialogue,
75
,
91
,
106

Crucial moments,
11
,
222

Curiosity:

being curious,
157
–158

in listening,
157
–159

staying curious,
158
–159

Deadlines,
186

Decision making,
177
–187

accountability in,
186

assignments in,
183
–186

authority in,
179
–180

deciding how to decide,
179
–182

dialogue versus,
178
–179

documentation in,
186
–187

examples of,
220

methods of,
180
–182

skills and questions in,
182
–186,
216

Defensiveness,
55
–56,
77

Deliverables, in decision making,
184
–185

Denial,
62
–63

Devil's advocate role,
147

Dialogue,
19
–31

decision making versus,
178
–179

defined,
23

fear versus,
55
–56,
106

learning skills for,
28

remaining in,
79
–80

(
See also
Crucial conversations)

Dirty tricks,
13
,
151

Dishonesty,
13
,
151

Documentation,
186
–187

Double standards,
118
–119

Dual-processing,
53
–54,
55
,
57
,
62

Emotions:

acting on versus being acted on,
104
–105,
106
–107,
112
–113

in Crucial Conversations,
1
–2,
5
,
54
(
See also
Stories)

excessive advocacy and,
150
–153

mirroring to confirm feelings,
163
–164

rethinking yourself,
106
–108

stories in creating feelings,
108
–109,
112
,
113
–114

thinking them out,
106
–107

(
See also
Anger)

Empathy,
124
–125

Excuses,
203
–204,
207

Exploring Others' Paths,
143
,
146
–147,
155
–175,
197
–198,
215
–216,
218
–219

(
See also
Listening)

Facts:

beginning your path with,
140

getting back to,
115
–116

as least controversial information,
138

as least insulting information,
139

as most persuasive information,
138
–139

sharing, in STATE My Path skills,
136
–140

stories versus,
115

Fear:

deference to authority,
194
–195

dialogue versus,
55
–56,
106

and sharing risky meaning,
132
–133

Feelings (
see
Emotions) Follow-up methods,
186

Fool's Choices:

avoiding,
21
–23,
36
,
44
–47,
119
,
125
,
134
,
209

encouraging testing and,
146
–147

exploring alternatives to,
47
–48

searching for the
and
,
46
–47

setting up new choices,
46
–47

stories and,
119
,
125

in wimpy versus tentative approaches,
144
–145

Freeze Your Lover approach,
27

Friendship, honesty versus,
22

Games, avoiding,
75
–76,
207

Generalizations,
151

Gestures (
see
Body language) Glaser, Ronald,
15
–16

Goldilocks test,
145
–146

Gratitude, in Starting with Heart,
40
,
42

Grenny, Joseph,
3

Groundhog Day metaphor,
201

Handy, Jack,
62

Harassment,
190
–191

Hasty generalizations,
151

Health care:

crucial conversations in improving,
15
–16

Pool of Shared Meaning and,
25

silence as killer in,
11
,
13
,
25

Helpless Story:

nature of,
119

Start with Heart and,
119
,
136

turning helpless into the able,
125

Herbert, George,
189

Hidden agendas,
77

Honesty:

dishonesty versus,
13
,
151

friendship versus,
22

in sharing opinions,
158

“Hot” words,
115
–116

Hughes, Howard,
184
–185

Humility:

in asking for others' paths,
143

in maintaining safety,
133
–134

in talking tentatively,
143
–146

Hypocrisy,
37
–38,
40
–42

Immune system function,
15
–16

Incompetence,
13

Initiative problems,
199
–200

Inquiry skills,
161
–162,
167

Insubordination,
204
–205,
208
–209

Johnson, Samuel,
177

Kiecolt-Glaser, Janice,
15
–16

King, Martin Luther, Jr.,
19

Labeling,
60
–61,
118

Learning to Look,
51
–72,
112
–113,
200
–202,
214

in putting it all together,
212
–213,
217

skills and questions in,
214
,
217

in STATE My Path skills,
152

in tough situations,
192

(
See also
Safety)

Life-threatening diseases,
16

Listening,
155
–175

ABC skills (agree, build, compare) in,
170
–172,
219

agreement in,
170
–171,
219

AMPP skills (Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime) in,
162
–167

asking for others' paths,
143

curiosity in,
157
–159

encouraging others to retrace path in,
159
–161

examples of,
155
–156,
157
,
158
–159,
168
–170,
172
–174,
218
–219

inquiry skills in,
161
–162,
167

patience in,
159

sincerity in,
157

skills and questions in,
215
–216

Starting with Heart in,
157
–159

in STATE My Path skills,
143
,
146
–147

stepping out of conversation,
74
–76,
82
–90

in testing others' views,
146
–147

understanding point of view in,
167

Logical fallacies,
151

Making It Safe,
73
–99,
213
,
215
,
217

(
See also
Safety)

Markman, Howard,
14
–15

Masking,
59

Master My Stories skill,
103
–130,
215
,
217
–218 (
See also
Stories)

Medicine (
see
Health care)

Meetings, failure to show up,
82
–83

Mirroring,
163
–164

Move to Action,
177
–187,
216
,
220

(
See also
Decision making)

Murray, Bill,
201

Mutual Purpose,
76
–78,
82
–96

brainstorming new strategies,
94
,
95
–96,
98

commitment to seeking,
91
–92,
94
–95,
97
–98