Cruiser (8 page)

Lex

Rey’s practicing the violin in
his living room. I forgot which song this time. He’s been going at it for two hours, and I’ve been cheering him on, giving him all my support. As much as I love hearing him play, I wish he’d take a break and sit with me on the couch. But I don’t want to sound selfish. Rey stresses over these recitals and the last thing I want is to hurt him.

I lie back on the couch and continue to smile and clap.

After another twenty minutes, he rests the violin and bow on the coffee table and stretches his arms. I’m about to tell him to join me on the couch and suggest a movie, when he says, “Bathroom break and then I’ll practice some more.”

My heart drops. I twist my hands in my lap, biting down on my lip. When he returns, I say, “Rey?”

He grabs the violin and presses it to his neck. “Yeah?” He picks up the bow.

“I…” I take a deep breath. “I kind of miss you.”

He raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“You always seem to be busy and we haven’t been spending that much time together.”

“We’re spending time together now.”

I run my hand through my hair. “I know. But you’re playing and I’m just sitting here.”

Now he looks confused. “I told you at school that I need to practice.”

“I know. But you don’t have to play all
night, do you? I thought you said we’d, you know, be together.”

He looks even more confused. “When did I say that?”

I play with a few strands of my hair. “In school. You said your parents and Cruiser will be out until midnight.”

He runs the bow lightly across the violin. “Oh. I didn’t mean anything by it.” He lifts his eyes to me. “I’m sorry, but I really need to get this piece right. I’m nowhere near there and the recital is only a few
days away.” He releases a heavy breath. “My teacher told me one of the scouts has his eye on me and another guy. I need to ace this.”

It feels like he squeezed my heart too tight with his bare hand
s. “I understand.”

He starts playing again, and I try to hold back the tears threatening to burst out of my eyes. After a few minutes, Rey sits down near m
e and takes my hand. “I’m sorry.”

I wipe my eyes with the back of my palm. “Have things been off between us?”

He stares at the TV and puffs out some air. “I don’t know.” He turns to me. “What do you feel?”

“I don’t want to break up.”

“I don’t want to break up, either,” he says.

Relief washes over me. But I feel a small tug of something else. Disappointment. As if deep down I hoped he’d want to break up with me. I shove it away.

“So what’s the problem?” Rey asks.

“Do you love me?” I ask.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Are you sure?
Or do you love the idea of having a girlfriend?”

He rests his hands on his knees and stares down at them. Then he says in a really low voice. “You think we feel like we need to be together because we’ve always been best friends?”

I shut my eyes. Those exact thoughts swirl through my head as I lay awake at night. “You’re so busy,” I say. “All your clubs after school, your violin lessons, your recitals. It never used to be like this when we first got together.”

He rubs the back of his neck. “My parents want me to take as many extracurricular activities as possible. You know, to get into a good college or music program.”

I bite down on my lip. “And what about me?”

His eyes meet mine. “What do you mean?”

“Are your extracurricular activities more important than me?”

“That’s not fair. You know that’s not fair.
You want me to quit my clubs?”

“I don’t know!” I cover my face. “I don’t know.”

He gets up from the couch and grabs his violin. “I can’t deal with this right now. I need to practice.”

Tears enter my eyes. I stand. “You can’t
deal
with this right now?”

He lets out a breath. “Do you have
any
idea what I’m going through? The pressure?”

“I’m going through
things, too.”

He raises the bow and starts to play.

“Are you seriously going to play now? We need to talk.”

“Tomorrow, okay? I need to get this right.”

I grab my bag from the couch and storm out of his house. I fish my cell phone out of my pocket and dial Dani. “What’s up?” she asks.

“Can you come over?”

“Are you okay?”

After stabbing my key into the lock, I push the door to my house open. Mom’s with Rosie at the community center and Dad’s at work. I grab a bag of chips. “Just come over, please.”

“Sure. Be there in ten.”

I stand in the hallway, replaying the conversation with Rey over and over again. Am I the one at fault?

The doorbell rings a few minutes later and I let Dani in. “Boy drama?” she asks as she takes a handful of chips. I lead her up to my room.

I chew on a strand of my hair. “Rey and I
had a fight.”

She cocks an eyebrow. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.” I drop down on my bed and hug a pillow. “Am I clingy?”

She sits down near me. “I don’t think so. Did he say you were?”

I shake my head. “He wanted to practice the violin. I wanted to spend time with him.”

“A
perfectly reasonable request.”

I stare down at the pillow.

“Lex, if he’s not giving you attention maybe you should end it.”

I squeeze the pillow. “
How do I know if I truly love him?”

She’s quiet for a few seconds. “I don’t know. What do you feel?”

I tighten my hold on the pillow. “I know that I love spending time with him. I love talking with him. We have similar interests and get along very well.” I gently place the pillow on the bed. “Things have never been hard for us. Our relationship has always gone very smoothly. We never had to, like, work at anything.”

Dani nods. “And?”

“This is the first time we’re…struggling. Maybe I’m scared I’ll get hurt.” I thread my fingers through my hair. “Maybe we’re missing a key element, and that’s what’s off.”

“What key element?”

I bite down on my lip. “Passion.”

Dani nods slowly.

“Maybe we’re still in the ‘friend’ zone and never really crossed over into the ‘boyfriend, girlfriend’ zone.”

Dani pats my hand. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you been feeling this
way before or after Cruiser returned?”

My head snaps up.

She holds out her palms. “Just answer the question, Lex.”

I get up and walk to my shelf of stuffed
animals, facing my back to her. “I don’t know,” I whisper. I shut my eyes. I don’t want to analyze myself and discover the answer is yes.

The bed creaks as she shifts. “His return is bringing up old feelings you had.”

I face her. “In the past, I never questioned anything about my relationship with Rey. I just accepted it for what it was.” I cross my arms over my chest and stare at the window. “But now that Cruiser’s back, I feel things, and I can’t help but wonder…”

“That maybe you need more?”

I nod as tears fill my eyes.

She gets up and hesitantly hugs me. “You deserve to be with someone you want to be with. Really want to be with. And so does Rey.”

I pull out of the hug and wipe my eyes. “Are you suggesting I break up with Rey for
Cruiser
?”

She shakes her head. “I’m not saying that. But what I’m saying is that maybe it’s time to stop hiding or running. You need to let go of the past. Forgive and forget. Listen to your heart.”

“You hate him,” I say.

“No, I don’t. I don’t like what he did to you. But
the guy’s got passion. Maybe…” She puffs out some air. “Maybe you need to give him a chance again. Maybe we all need to cut him some slack.”

I collapse on the bed and bury my face in my hands. “I do love Rey, Dani.” I uncover my face. “Maybe we need to work through
this. I can’t just give up on him.”

She joins me on the bed. “What do you feel?”

“I don’t know! I don’t know what I feel.”

“Are you still in love with Cruiser?”

My hands shake. I wring them in my lap. “I don’t know him anymore. Maybe I’m holding onto the guy he used to be. But he doesn’t exist anymore. The real Cruiser hurt me. He sleeps around. He can’t have a committed relationship.”

Dani says, “And Rey?”

“I don’t want to give up on us. Even with all of Rey’s activities, we were okay until Cruiser came back. I don’t want to lose Rey, Dani. Does that make me selfish?”

She shakes her head slowly. “I don’t know.”

I need to be more understanding and put my boyfriend’s needs above my own. I don’t want to lose Rey because he’s the best thing that happened to me since the accident. I was so messed up last year, and Rey was there. He sat with me and let me cry on his shoulder and held me and comforted me. He helped me heal. It doesn’t matter if we don’t have a lot of passion—that could happen later. Relationships need work and dedication. I can’t just run away because things are tough.

I take out my cell to call
him.

Cruiser

Ten. Eleven. Twelve.

Feels like hot mercury spreads through
my chest. I lift the weight bar higher.
Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen.

Dropping the bar
, I grab my phone and check the time. Past midnight. Erica won’t call me over.

I
pull myself off the bench. Grab a towel and mop my face. My neck.

She’s
probably with another guy. Yeah, definitely. Not that we’re exclusive or anything.

My cell phone rings.
I find the shirt I tossed on the floor, coiled up in a ball. I pull my phone out of the pocket and scan the screen.

T. Rex.

T. Rex? Nah, my eyes must be screwing with me. ‘Cause the words “T. Rex” flashing on the screen means Lex Woods is calling. The girl would never dial my number, unless the world was coming to an end. Wait, scratch that. Even then she wouldn’t call me.

Must be Rey. Yeah, bro probably left his cell at home. “Sup?”

It’s quiet.

Or almost quiet. All I hear is low breathing.

“Hello?”

“Cruiser?”

Shit. Lex. Her voice—it makes my heart pump ice throughout my body. My mind fills with different scenarios. Lex tied to a chair in some pervert’s basement. Walking in some alley with a murderer on her tail.

You said you’d get over her. If she has a problem, let her call someone else.

That voice needs to shut the hell up.
“Lex? You okay? Where are you?”

Silence for a few seconds, so thick I can feel it crawling on my skin. “Um…can I ask you a favor?”

A favor. She’s not in some alley and calling me to come to her rescue. Be her hero.

“Cruiser? Are you there?”

“Yeah, I’m here.” I drop down on my chair. Drum my fingers on the desk. I need to stop fixating on the sound of her sweet, needy voice that makes my blood go wild with all these emotions running through my body. Anger—who the hell does she think she is to ask favors from me? Happiness—Lex is talking to me like I’m a decent human being. Wanted—she needs me right now. Something that hasn’t happened for a very long time. Hope—maybe this is the building blocks for a better relationship.

I need to keep her on the phone for as long as I can.

“Cruiser?” Her voice wavers. Sounds helpless. “Can I…can you help me, please?”

I want to teleport into her room. Tell her I’d do anything for her. That her life and happiness come before mine. That they always have.

Pathetic, really. Today should be crowned Pathetic Cruiser Day. “Yeah,” I say. “Ask me anything you want.”

A long pause. Makes me squeeze my phone so tight it digs into my palm. “
Have you seen Rey?” she asks.

Someone sticks a pin in my arm. All the hope and anticipation and excitement seep out, deflating me. Of course. It’s all about Rey.

Well, why shouldn’t it be? He’s all she ever thinks about. Eats, drinks, breathes. Did I think she called because she wants to cuddle?

Concentrate.

“Hmm. I don’t think I’ve seen him since I got back,” I tell her, keeping my voice cool. “Last I’ve heard from him was when I left for work. He told me you were comin’ over.”

Another few seconds of silence. Then a sigh. “Yeah, I did.” Another sigh. “He’s
ignoring my calls.”

“What’s going on, Lex?”

“I…he…” She clears her throat. “We got into a fight.”

“You guys got into a fight? About what?”

Silence.

More silence.

“Just a fight,” she whispers.

Right. The man-whore can’t be trusted. The man-whore is a fool, too. “I’ll look
around for ya and see if he’s home. Hold on a sec.”

Taking my phone with me,
I leave my room and knock on the bathroom doors. Call his name, check out the backyard. The parents are watching TV in the living room. I don’t ask them if they’ve seen Rey. Don’t need them freaking out on me because their precious boy’s whereabouts are unknown.

I pass Rey’s room. Push the door open. Empty. Cool air blows in from the window. I trek inside. Peer out across to see Lex sitting on her bed, a stuffed
zebra squished to her chest. She’s holding onto her phone like it’s her lifeline. I can only see her profile. Her hair is tied into a high ponytail and a blanket is wrapped around her lower body. The need to comfort her invades me. I try to shake it off. It won’t leave.

I lower the shade and peer through the blinds so she won’t see me peeping. I pick up my phone. “He’s not here, Lex.”

Her fist closes around the edge of her blanket. “I know something’s wrong. God, I didn’t think…”

“
Didn’t think what?”

“Nothing,” she quickly says.

Again, the man-whore can’t be trusted. “You think he crashed into a tree or somethin’?” I ask. Damn, I miss talking to her. Even if it’s about Rey.

“I don’t know,” she says
.

I run a hand down my face. Collapse on Rey’s bed. Can’t help but start to get worried myself. When Rey gets mad, it takes a while for him to calm down. Kinda like me. What
used to work for me was some pot.

Shit.

“Tell you what,” I say. “I’ll try to get hold of him, maybe ask some of his buddies. I’m sure he’s all right. I’ll get back to ya.”

“Okay.” She exhales. “I…”

Say thank you. Please say thank you.

She hangs up.

I stare at my phone, like I’m waiting for her to call again and show her appreciation.

She doesn’t.

I get up from Rey’s bed and go to the window. Peek through the blinds. She takes a tissue and wipes her eyes.

Don’t cry. Dammit, don’t cry. Big macho man-whore has never been able to take it when Lex Woods cries. I turn my back and dial Rey. Damn, he’s not picking up. I try again. And again. And yet again. Answer the damn phone, Rey.

“Cruise?” a slurred voice asks.

“Rey, are you drunk?”

“Man, Cruiser!” He laughs like someone’s tickling him. “There’s this, like, light over here? It’s, like, shining on me when I look up?” He laughs again. “You sound
so
funny on the phone. Do you always sound like that? Hehe.”

“Man, you are drunk.” I pound a fist on Rey’s desk. “Where the hell are you?”

“Mark Wolf’s. Man, brother, this place is sweet. And his pool? It’s an effing lake. There’s this girl, right? I think from my calc class? Or is it psych? She tore off all her clothes, right? And she’s like swimming in there
naked
!”

Oh, fuuuuck. “You’re at Wolf’s?”

“Dang right I am.” I hear a bang along with some static. “Hehe. My bad, brother. Dropped my phone. It, like, totally almost broke.”

“My God, Rey, what the hell are you doing at Mark Wolf’s party?” Mark’s known to throw some wild parties. I should know, I’
d been there many times before I left Miami Beach, done things I shouldn’t have done, found lots of girls there.

That is not a place for Reagan Dalton.

“I’m here to get my party on!” Rey yells, like I’m standing five hundred feet away from him. “Yo yo, Timothy! Don’t you touch that vodka!”

“Vodka? Rey, you need
to get the hell out of there.”

“
Wha? This place rocks, man! Why didn’t you ever bring me here?”

Because you’re Rey. You spend your time doing things a future successful
person is supposed to do. Like studying, doing extracurricular activities that will look awesome on your college applications, being there for your parents and obeying their wishes. A guy like you is not supposed to go to a party at
Mark Wolf’s
.

“I’m coming to get you,” I tell him. “
Wait for me, okay? And don’t drink any more alcohol, or jump into pools, or touch any drugs.”

I hang up
and look at Lex through the window. She’s staring at the spot in front of her, fingers wringing the phone.

I call her. She answers after the first ring.

“Cruiser?” Her voice is full of hope. Fear. Worry. My hands ball into fists. My body convulses with anger.

He doesn’t deserve her.

You don’t deserve her.

He does deserve her, you selfish bastard. You know he does.

“He’s okay. At a party. I’m going to pick him up right now.”

“A party?” Her voice is an octave higher.
“Rey doesn’t go to parties.”

“
He’s perfectly a-okay.” I’m surprised at how the lie comes out so naturally. I never could lie to her when we were kids. “I guess he just needed a change of scenery.”

“Because of me.” Her voice is so low, I would have missed it if I weren’t drinking every one of her words like they’re holy water. Her head is lowered and her stuffed animal is swallowed by her body. “Because of our fight. Because I
’m so…” Tears soak up her words.

“Don’t sweat it, Lex,” I say softly. “I’m going to get him, and he’ll be okay. Sit tight. I’ll call ya later with an update.”

A few sniffs. Then, “Okay. I, uh…Cruiser?”

An invisible claw clamps around my heart and tugs. “Yeah?”

“I…thanks.”

She hangs up. I lower the phone from my ear. Don’t realize I have it pressed against my chest—my heart. Lex and I just had the longest conversation we had in quite a while.

A conversation that involved Rey. No, not involved. A conversation that was
all
Rey.

She gets up from her bed. Treks over to the window. I don’t want her to see me standing here. I
return to my room and pull on that wrinkled shirt from the floor. I reek from my workout. Well, screw that.

I
sprint down the stairs, past the parents, ignoring their, “Where are you off to now, Elvis?” and grab my bike. Ride to Wolf’s house. I know the address like my own.

I park in the front yard. Barge into the house. Blasting music, crowded rooms, couples’ mouths glued together, a mess on the floor. Looks like a tornado swept through here. Smells like beer and pot. And sweat. Maybe that’s from me, though.

“Rey!” I call out. “Rey Dalton!”

I ask around, “Have any of you seen Rey Dalton?” They look at me like I have antennae coming out of my head. Or like I’m some freaked-out parent looking for his kid. For a second, I feel like a freaked-out parent looking for his kid.

Some ignore me. Some flip me off. One guy staggers over and nearly hurls on my boots. A girl tries to pull me into an empty bedroom.

Work, twin telepathy. Tell me where my brother is.

Three minutes later, I find Rey lounging on a pool chair, liquor in hand, watching a group of kids dancing and singing in the pool. Puke floats in there. Almost makes the burger I had for dinner climb its way out.

“Come on, Rey.” I snatch the bottle out of his hand and toss it into the pool.

“Cruise! Pull up a chair. Grab some beer. Get your groove on.” His vest’s hanging off his left arm. His white shirt’s stained with alcohol. The first three buttons are gone.

“We’re going. Now.”

“Awww, Cruise.”

I draw his arm over my right shoulder and wrap mine around his waist. Haul him to his feet. Half carry him outside. He talks—incoherently. His breath reeks.

I find his car parked down the block, reach into his pocket, and fish for his keys. Lay him in the back seat. I’ll have to come back for my bike tomorrow.

“Why did you do this?” I ask once we’re on the road. “Why would you go to a party at Wolf’s, Rey? Is this because of Lex? What happened between you guys?”

I look through the rearview mirror. Can’t see his face because he’s lying across the seat.

“Too much pres—ure
, Cruise. ‘Bout time I had some fun around here,” he says.

“I agree. But you should have told me where you were going and talked to me about the fight you had with Lex.”

“Why?”

“Because I would have helped you. Would have helped you figure out how to handle the stress and blow off some steam. Maybe one bottle of beer. Maybe a
shot of vodka. You could have really fucked up.”

He’s singing
some lame song he loved when we were kids.

“Tell me what you and Lex argued about.”

He continues to howl at the top of his lungs. Dammit.

I reach the house and
pull into the driveway. My eyes catch sight of something. Lex running down her front steps. Robe thrown over her pajamas, blowing in the wind. I can see the little duck designs of her shirt underneath. I look away.

“Rey?” She stops before
the car. Eyes circle the back of it. “Is he okay?” she asks me.

I
cut the engine and haul Rey out. Sit him down on the ground. Lex rushes over and flings her arms around him. “I’m so sorry about our fight.”