Cruiser (6 page)

Lex

I stab my key in the lock and open the door to my house. Happy voices tickle my ears. I stop dead in my tracks, keys pressed against my palm, ears straining toward those sounds. One is childlike and the other is male. Familiarly male.

Oh. My. God.

Tossing my bag somewhere in the hall, I enter the living room. Cruiser’s on his knees across from Rosie, his body bent over a board game laid on the coffee table. Rosie’s sitting forward on the couch, eyes on the game, her eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

 
My hands ball into fists and my blood starts to cook. He should not be here.

“Lexi!” Rosie waves at me. “Come play with us
. It sucks with only two people.”

Cruiser turns toward the doorway. His eyes meet mine.

This isn’t what I meant when I wished Rosie would play games with other people. I don’t want him near my little sister. Marching inside, I yank the board off the table. Cards and tokens splatter on the floor.

“Oh em gee!”
Rosie says.

“What are you doing here?” I demand. He hasn’t stepped foot in my house since the night of the accident. As it should be. He
’s
not
welcome here.

Cruiser slowly gets to his feet, his eyes never leaving my face. “
I came over to drop off some of your mail that got mixed in with ours. Your mom asked me to watch Rosie for half an hour while she ran to the store.”

I don’t care what his reason is.
Balling my hands even tighter, I say, “Leave.”

“Lexi!”

“I’ll play with you later, Rosie. Right now, Cruiser’s leaving.”

“
Rosie and I are having a great time, Lex,” he says. “Just a harmless game.”

“
Leave my house,” I say through clenched teeth. “
Now
.”

He looks at me like he has something to say
, but he walks over to a pissed-off Rosie and ruffles her hair. “We’ll play another time.”

The nerve of him. “If you’re not out of here in thirty seconds I’m calling the police.”

He marches to the door and I follow, wishing I could hurl a dart at his back. His hands are clenched, too. When we’re a few feet away from the door, Cruiser suddenly spins around and stomps toward me. I find myself backing away like a coward. I hit the wall.

He presses both of his palms on either side of me
and moves his face close, so close our noses almost touch. I stare into his eyes, and find many emotions cluttered in there. Anger, hurt, betrayal.

“Why
?” he mutters.

I swallow. “You know why.”
He’s breathing on me. My brain tells me to stretch my head as far back as I can. My heart tells me to lean closer. His body heat makes me feel like I’m in a sauna.

He pushes himself off the wall. “No, Lex, I don’t know why. So maybe you’d like to clarify?”

The memory of the night of the accident attacks my mind. My blood boils. I take a step forward, and to my shock, he falters back. “You’re the reason my little sister is bound to that wheelchair,” I hiss, venom rolling off my tongue like a cobra. “I
hate
you.” Tears prick my eyes.

He moves forward, and my back hits the wall again. “You don’t mean that, T. Rex.”

I look into his dark brown eyes framed by long eyelashes. T. Rex. He hasn’t called me that in…I don’t even remember.

His face is really close now. Despite all the pain I’m feeling, my heart pounds hard at the thought that my lips could touch his if I move m
y mouth. He looks down at them.

I pull my head back. “Does your libido work best when you’re confronted with the sins of the past?”

He’s staring at my lips. My breath catches in my throat. My legs are going to cave and I’m going to slide down to the floor and he’s going to catch me in his arms and then he’s going to move his mouth over mine and…

I blink those thoughts away and straighten up.
“You expect me to respect you when you ruined my family’s life? What are you trying to prove by playing a game with Rosie? Do you think you can give her back her legs? When it comes down to it, you’re nothing but a self-absorbed man-whore, who doesn’t care about anyone. Playing a game with my sister is
not
going to change that or make up for what you did to her.”

I expect him to pull away, but he moves his face even closer, so close our lips are only centimeter
s apart. “I think you’re getting your facts mixed up, Lex. You know what really happened that night, and I’m not the only one who’s to blame.”

The tears are seconds away from running down my cheeks. Cruiser raises his
hand and wipes the corner of my eye with his thumb. I shove him away. “It’s all
your
fault! You know that. Nothing you say will change that.” My voice is weak and my chest rises and falls heavily.

Cruiser
leans forward and whispers in my ear, his breath tickling my cheek, “The sooner you can forgive yourself for what happened, the sooner you could move on.” He draws back and stares into my eyes. “And maybe the sooner you could forgive me.” He closes his hand around the doorknob and walks out.

My legs give in and I’m on the floor, tears pouring down my cheeks like a thunderstorm. Just like the night of the accident
, when I saw my little sister sprawled across the asphalt.

After breathing
in big gulps of air and wiping my eyes, I get up and head back to the living room. Rosie’s gathering the game pieces, a scowl on her face. With shaky hands, I pick up the tokens from the floor. “Why did you have to go all psycho?” she says. “
God
.”

My heart’s still haywire. I can hardly form a coherent sentence. “I’m just looking out for you, Rosie.”

She rolls her eyes and opens her laptop. “Don’t bother. You always ruin everything.”

I slink up to my room and fall down on my bed.
Tears seep into my pillow. It’s been so long, but it feels like it happened yesterday. Mom asked me to babysit Rosie while she and Dad went out to dinner. I had no problem with it, because I’ve done it before and Rosie was always a good kid. I asked Cruiser to stop by because, well, I really liked him. Like really. And I
needed
to know if he liked me, too. It turns out he did. He sat Rosie by the TV with
The Lion King
and asked me to go up to my room where we could be alone. I wasn’t sure at first because of Rosie, but I gave in. Soon after we were making out, and I was so caught up in the moment and the feeling, and so ecstatic that Cruiser liked me back, that I didn’t think of checking on Rosie.

Then
we heard the screeching tires. The yells. We ran outside and saw the sight—a little girl’s broken body strewn on the street, an ambulance’s siren heard somewhere in the distance. Rosie wanted to play with her friends across the street. I hadn’t made sure that the outside door was locked.

It’s been over a year, and the memories still haunt me. The guilt. No one knows what happened between Cruiser and me that night
, other than Dani. I never told Rey. Everyone thinks we were irresponsible. My parents forgave me. So has Rosie. But I’ve never forgiven myself.

Covering my face, I
sob. I put the blame on Cruiser and convinced myself it was
his
decision to ditch Rosie and go up to my room. He tried to talk to me after that night. I couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t face him. I blamed him, turned all my pain into anger. When he needed me most. I know he felt just as guilty and hurt as me.

It wasn’t until a little later that I realized how horrible I behaved.
I was ready to talk to him and ask him to forgive me, but he pushed me away for other girls. That tore my heart. All I wanted was for him to find solace in me. He never bothered to wait until I was ready.

His behavior grew worse. He partied
and did drugs. His parents sent him away to his grandparents, hoping he’d straighten out. I was lonely, Rey was lonely. It was hard to acknowledge him at first because he reminded me of Cruiser, but after a while we started hanging out. I missed Cruiser and cried every night, but after spending so much time with Rey, he made me feel good. He helped me get over the accident and the guilt I felt for what I caused Rosie. Cruiser was still on my mind, but I thought he was long gone. I never thought he’d come back and pushed him out of my mind and heart. Rey showed me how to be happy again. I fell in love with him.

Now Cruiser’s back and
my feelings are a mess.

Cruiser

Damn. Been up for hours.

I reach for the small clock on my night table and squint at the fuzzy letters. 3:46. I rub my eyes and stare at the ceiling.

Moonlight shines in from my window. The trees outside cast shadows on the walls. I remember being scared when I was a kid. Yeah, scared of the dark. I still don’t like it. Makes me feel alone, forces me to think.

Lex, Lex, T. Rex
.

That needs to get out of my head. Don’t want to think about her, about the past. About Rosie and the
night of the accident. If only I had a switch in my brain. I’d turn off every memory I have, past, present, and even future. They just screw with you. I want to close my eyes and pretend like nothing ever happened.

Hell it won’t leave me alone.

I was in love with her. So in love. She messed with my dreams and my thoughts, made me feel things I’ve never felt before. When Dani told me Lex had a crush on me for a while, I wanted to dance on the dining room table like a drunken fool. Then Lex asked me over when she babysat for Rosie, and I knew we’d be alone. Perfect opportunity to tell her how I felt. ‘Course I chickened out and we spent a good part of the night making out.

Then we heard the car and saw Rosie.

All I wanted was to hug Lex. Hold her close and comfort her. Tell her it was okay, that it was an accident and she shouldn’t blame herself. That I was the one who took her upstairs. But she wouldn’t look at me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for that night. For what
happened to Rosie. But I’ve accepted it and am trying to move on.

Rey didn’t know about us.
I never told him. I wonder if he would have still made a move on her.

Rolling onto my stomach, I bury my face in my pillow. As if that erases it all.
I throw off my blanket and stalk to the window. Peer out. The streets are quiet. Not a single car on the road. The sky’s black and there’s a full moon.

Damn. I didn’t no
tice Lex sitting by her window. What’s she doing up this late? The moonlight glows into the window, on her face and her pink pajamas. Makes me see her so clearly. Her hair’s draped around her face and shoulders in a jumbled mess. Her eyes look ragged.

She’s staring at the moon, too.

Lex, Lex, T. Rex.

I’m a
bastard. Having these strong feelings for a girl who belongs to my brother. Gotta forget her. Forget the past and everything that happened because there’s no going back to how it used to be.

I snap the shade closed. Turn my back on the window. On her.
Gotta try to forget her. Not sure I could love another girl like I love her. I tried in New York, but she’s got my heart. I need to join the Navy. Constantly be on the go. This Cruiser’s cruising solo for all of eternity.

***

Can’t breathe.

I pull the blanket off my face. Take deep breaths. The sun blinds me. Didn’t I close that shade?

Sitting up, I strain my ears. Voices downstairs. I reach for my clock. 9:13. Who the hell comes over at nine o’clock on a Sunday?

Then it hits me.
Grandma Dorothy and Grandpa Herbert, my other grandparents. They always visit the second Sunday of the month. Haven’t seen or spoken to them in a year.

I slam myself down on the bed. It creaks. Like it’s telling me to get my lazy ass up and do something productive. I slam down again. It creaks more. I kick my blanket and hurl my pillow across the room.
I won’t be able to function if I don’t get some sleep. I roll onto my stomach. The blanket wraps around my left leg.

My
eyes shut tight. The voices get louder. Screw it. I’m not going to get any sleep this morning. I pull on a shirt and jeans and head to the bathroom. Catch my reflection in the mirror. Bloodshot eyes, messy hair. Looks like I have a hangover. It’s these damn emotions.

Forget
Lex.

You got that right.

I turn on the faucet. Splash water on my face. Run my hands through my hair. Eh, I look somewhat good. I stop at the foot of the stairwell and listen to my grandparents talking to Rey. Praising him. I hop down the steps and head for the door.

“Elvis, care to join us for breakfast?” Mom calls.

Damn. I make a one-eighty and walk inside.

They’re
at the table, Herb in a white shirt and suspenders and Grandma in some yellow dress, her gray curls pinned up. Rey’s across from them with a bowl of cereal. Face flushed, a sign that he’s getting all the love and attention. Dad looks small and unimportant, as he usually does when they’re in the room.

They all stop talking when I walk in. “Elvis, good morning,” Grandma Dorothy says
, looking me up and down. Her nose wrinkles. Guess I failed inspection. I mutter a hello and get a bowl and sit down near Rey. Pour half the box. They’re staring at me. Assessing. Thinking, pondering, hoping I’ve changed.

I grunt and
pour the milk.

“And we understand you
joined the law club as well, Reagan,” Herb says, picking up from where their conversation left off.

“Yeah.” Rey beams like he just won the favor of the president.

“Well, you’re quite the busy boy,” Dorothy chimes in, mixing her coffee with a spoon. “The debate team, the law club, student body, and orchestra.” Her eyes shift to me. “What activities have you signed up for, Elvis?”

I need to get out of here.
“Nothing.” Shit, I just spat cereal all over the table.

“Nothing?” she asks.

“No.”

Dorothy turns to my mom. “How can you let this happen? Not involved in any school activities? What college is going to accept him?” She looks at
Dad. “I told you, you need a firm hand on the boy. He needs discipline. Sending him to New York? How did you think that would help? Send him to Cayton Hill, that program for troubled boys. They’ll straighten him out.”

Yeah, treat me like wallpaper.

“We’re not sending Elvis to Cayton’s, Mom,” Dad says so low like he’s scared she’ll chop his head off.

“He’s
still a walking disaster,” she mutters. “Maybe worse.”

Yeah, I’m not deaf.
I slam my bowl in the sink and march out the door. Collapse on the living room couch.

I miss Gran and Gramps.
So much I get this ache in my gut. I’ve always loved them as a kid, but never got the chance to spend enough time with them since they lived in New York. They showered Rey and me with gifts when they visited. Took us to the park and the zoo when we spent a summer there. Let us stay up late watching scary movies. Gran baked her famous oatmeal cookies. Just for us.

Gramps was a retired Navy captain. Kept our minds filled with his adventures at sea. Rey told me that Gramps made up some of the stories when we were kids because sea monsters don’t exist. It didn’t matter to me, though, because Gramps and I had a connection. The Navy didn’t interest my brother as much as it interested me.

When I stayed there last year, Gramps and I talked for hours and hours about the Navy. About the ships, his experiences, what it’s like to be a sailor. He gave me his old uniforms. I almost brought them back with me, but I knew Mom would give me shit.
“Dad, stop filling Elvis’s head with all those stories.”
The woman can’t get over growing up without her dad being there for her. As if anyone would miss me if I joined the Navy.

“Hey, Cruise.” Rey sits down near me on the couch. “Tough breakfast, huh?”

I shrug. Prop my feet on the coffee table, knocking down some lame-ass finance magazines.

“Come fishing with us today, man. Show them you’re not as bad as they think.
That you’ve changed.”

“Not going, bro. Have fun without me.”

He doesn’t say anything. Just leans back on the couch and stares at the blank TV screen. I can hear them talking in the kitchen. Not about me. Grandpa is complaining about retirement or some shit.

I should leave. Should have left the moment I had a chance. Only reason I didn’t was because I thought they’d finally accept me for who I am. But that’s too much to ask. I’ve got disappointment written all over
me.

I’m about to get up, but Rey says, “I miss fishing with you, Cruise. Man, we had great times years ago. Me, you, dad
, and Grandpa fishing together every month. It’ll be fun if you come with us.”

I sink back down. “No, Rey. Fishing ain’t for me. Never liked it much.” I fold my arms over my chest. “I know you love it, love to spend time with the old man and his old man. We’ll hang out when you come back.”

“Okay, if that’s what you want. You going to meet up with Erica?”

“Nah, she ain’t in town for a few days. Gonna hit the
beach.”

He thumps my back. “See you soon. Have fun.”

“Right back at ya, bro.”

I get to the door and
slam it after me. Hop onto my bike and ride to the beach. Can’t take this anymore. When I was a kid I thought my parents and grandparents treated me like I was defective. Like the first twin didn’t come out of the womb the way they wanted, so they embraced the second twin with open arms. Rey loved all the attention he got from them. Not that I blame him. I was just in the way. Always in the way.
“Reagan excels at school,”
they would say
. “He’s a prodigy at the violin.” “And what about his brother?”
others would ask.
“Elvis…well…”

Yeah. Elvis…well. That should be my nickname.

It’s a wonder Rey and I get along. I never resented him when we were kids. I know I wanted to. I remember telling Lex how jealous I was of him, how I wished he just wasn’t so damn good at everything. Lex told me she understood if I hated him. I told her I didn’t. There’s only one reason for that. Rey didn’t see me as a disappointment. He didn’t care that I wasn’t good at the violin like he was, or that I was crap at school. To him, I was Cruiser, his brother. His cool brother. He looked up to me. Still does. He understood that I was my own self, that I didn’t have to be anyone to be someone.

Just like Lex understood.

I park my bike and sit down on the sand. Stare at the ocean. Feel the wind blowing against my hair and taste the salt on my lips. I used to do this a lot as a kid—sit on the beach and think about my future. At one point I wanted to be a fireman, just as every boy dreams. I imagined running into burning buildings and saving people. My parents would see me on TV and be proud of their son, the hero. I thought about that every time I brought home a bad grade and got a grilling from them.
“Another C-, Elvis? You are learning the same material as your brother. There is no reason for him to do well and not you. You are not applying yourself as much as he is.”

I used to try. Really hard. Rey knows I did. He studied with me a bit, but after a while he got so frustrated he couldn’t take it. Not saying I’m a dumbass or anything, but school never seemed important to me. Seemed like too much of a headache for something I cared nothing about.

Some kid left his plastic shovel on the ground. I use it to dig a hole in the sand. Don’t know what I want out of life. Definitely not to be a fireman. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Maybe I’ll be a Navy captain. Have some medals. Be a hero. Rey would be proud. And my parents? Fuck them.

I shake my head. Am I always going to be as pathetic as this?

The hole I dug must be a foot deep. Wish it were big enough to bury myself in.