CUL-DE-SAC (On The Edge Book 1) (28 page)

CHAPTER 34

Catalina strived to work but no matter how
hard she tried to concentrate, the end result was nowhere near what she
envisioned it to be.

She blew out a harsh breath when another
attempt went to waste, wondering where her three magical p’s were hiding today.
But patience, persistence and precision were nowhere to be seen.

When the doorbell sounded she was more
relieved than annoyed, which showed exactly how much she was
not
into
work today. But then she saw Gabriel’s grim face and knew her enthusiasm for
the unexpected break was premature.

They hadn’t spoken since the memorable day
she had taken Xan’s side and given him an alibi for the night Dorian Carrey was
attacked, so she wasn’t sure what to expect of him.

She didn’t want to be forced to choose
between a friend and a boyfriend, and hoped to avoid being pushed to the very
line of it.
“Lieutenant,” she said and saw his cheeks hollowing and lips becoming a thin
uninviting line.
“You never welcomed me so formally before… but then I don’t feel much welcomed,
so I guess it fits.” His voice sounded harsh, devoid of its usual warmth and
charm.
“I’m sorry, Gabriel. I am taking my frustration out on you,” she sighed and
attempted a smile.
“Problems in paradise?” He smirked and cursed under his breath when she
stiffened.

“My turn to apologize; seems like we have
no idea how to behave with one another.”
“I am sure we can manage, please come in.” She invited him in, feeling bereft
and at a loss.

She might have lost a friend after all,
Catalina thought.
“Can I offer you something to drink?” She asked politely and saw him picking up
one of the pictures from Xan’s training session that she left on the kitchen
table.
“Why, Catalina; why him?” He wanted to know, although he had promised himself
he wouldn’t ask.
“I don’t know what kind of an answer you are expecting from me. Why anyone, Gabriel?”
“Do you even know who he is? He is practically a criminal like his father.”
“He is
nothing
like his father,” she protested.

At least this was an easy part, one thing
she could say with a total conviction in her voice.
“And you know this how? Based on what he had told you!”
“And your knowledge is based on files which contains facts alone. Facts are not
enough to sum up what and who we are, Gabriel–you should know that yourself.”
“I don’t need a lesson about human nature from you. I know more about it than
you,” he snapped, thinking that nothing could divest a person of illusions
faster than being law enforcement–a direct line to the most twisted minds and
deeds.
“I don’t need one, either. Now, I am sorry you don’t approve of my relationship
with Alexander, but it is none of your business.” She folded her arms, looking
at him defiantly.
“I’ve been your friend for much longer than you know him. I would hate to see
you getting hurt.”
“I appreciate your concern, I really do, but it is not changing anything, Gabriel,”
Cat said quietly.
“Maybe this will.” He threw a manila folder on the table and her stomach
clenched when she understood it was filled with police records.
“Gabriel…”
“Just read the damn files, Catalina,” he insisted and walked closer to her not
taking his eyes off of her.

She shifted uncomfortably because there was
something in his eyes that made her pay attention. The same something she kept
avoiding and pretending it didn’t exist.

But it did.

She gasped when he gripped her shoulders,
piercing her with his eyes.
“I would have given you everything you wanted,” he said, and the bitter note in
his voice didn’t escape her notice.

She wanted to comfort him, but she felt
like she needed to be reassured herself. The problem was that neither one of
them was going to get what they wanted.
“You would have given me everything you
thought
I wanted and it would
only make us both miserable in the process,” Catalina told him and saw his jaw
going rigid.
“What the hell does that mean?” Gabriel demanded, squeezing her arms harder.
“I don’t want to be a part of the world you would have pulled me into. I want
more from life than participating in elegant events and chairing a committee.”
She didn’t think he wanted to be a part of it any more than she did, but he
wouldn’t have listened to her, especially not now, she thought.
“And he gives you this
‘more’
? Come on!” He smirked incredulously.
“He doesn’t try to limit me.”

That was the truth. Xan didn’t think she
was too fragile to face the reality of this side of life she was unfamiliar
with. He took her to his friend’s gambling game, expected her to be present at
his next fight. He didn’t say her photography should focus on portraying pretty
flowers and beautiful people.

He took her the way she was and expected
only the same thing from her.

Gabriel however, wouldn’t accept her words,
wouldn’t welcome her explanation, even if Catalina felt she owed him any.
“Please let go, you are hurting me.” She said calmly and his hands dropped
instantly.
“I’m sorry, Catalina.”
“I’m sorry too,” she replied, because she understood he meant more by that and
she was regretful as well, just like she told him.

She felt sad he didn’t like her choice,
maybe even feeling betrayed by her, although she had never allowed herself to
lead him on. But she hoped one day he would make the right decision for
himself, remember this conversation and understand where she was coming from.
“I care about you and your friendship, Gabriel, but please don’t try to
convince me I am making a mistake. It will only hurt us both,” Catalina said
calmly, and he was silent for a moment just looking at her as if trying to read
those thoughts she didn’t share with him.
“Just read the file because contrary to what you think, I am your friend and I
don’t want to see you suffer. You know where to find me if you need me.” She
closed her eyes when he leaned in to kiss her cheek and then walked out of her
kitchen and her house.

But it still felt as if he were
leaving
her life
.

If working was hard before, it became near
impossible now, frustrating Catalina to no end.

She couldn’t stop thinking about the file
burning a hole in her kitchen table. Guilt flooded her when she realized she
was contemplating opening and reading it. She didn’t believe there was anything
in it capable of changing her mind about Xan.

He had told her about his father and she
didn’t care about every shaming detail of Robert Thorpe’s life because the most
shaming part was related to the fact he had failed as a father.

She didn’t need to know about Xan’s every
encounter with the law either, because she was well aware he was not a choir
boy and had done his share of bad deeds, if only to keep himself alive during
the time he was living on the streets.

Yet not reading it seemed like she was
afraid and was proving that Gabriel had a valid point in bringing the file to
her attention.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t
, Catalina thought
and shook her head, giving up and reaching for it. But she dropped it on the
floor fast the next moment, when the doorbell rang.

The thought that it might be Xan overfilled
her with shame and dread, so she collected the documents and ran upstairs to
put them on her nightstand where they wouldn’t be so… exposed.

Yet it wasn’t Xan, but Chloé this time, and
Catalina thought that apparently today was going to be filled with visits of
every kind.
“I was afraid I was out of luck!” Her friend exclaimed when Cat hugged her and
invited her in.
“No, I am spending the whole day indoors.”
“I missed you, Kitty-Cat; you’ve been too busy lately and for once I don’t mean
work!” Chloé said and watched Cat preparing her favorite mimosa without being
asked for it.

“There is comfort in being known that well,”
she commented, pointing at the glass.
“There is, isn’t there,” Cat smiled a bit absentmindedly.
“Uh-oh, I know that tone and this face. Spill it, and I don’t mean my drink.”
“Nothing is going on.” Or maybe too much at once, Catalina thought, but didn’t
say it out loud.
“I’m not buying it, but suit yourself. Speaking of buying… did you choose your
dress for Saturday?” Chloé asked.
“A dress?” Cat tilted her head, looking at her questioningly, and paled when comprehension
dawned.

“Oh. My. God. I can’t believe you forgot!”
Chloé blinked as if she saw her for the first time in her life. “Who are you
and what have you done with my Kitty-Cat?”
“I would have remembered about it eventually,” Catalina said in self-defense,
but the truth was she wasn’t so sure.

Being with Xan was not only exhilarating
but also time consuming, not leaving much space for anything else, she thought,
still unable to comprehend how she could forget about such an important event
as this Saturday’s ball. It was one of the biggest social affairs the whole
elite talked about for weeks in the aftermath.

It was Florence Bennett who was going to be
honored with the award for the biggest benefactor this year. Most considered it
a great privilege and glory to be nominated, but not her grandmother. No, she
couldn’t believe she hadn’t received it so far, and year after year was
throwing herself into charity with even bigger fervor, taking it as a personal
affront when the award passed her by.

So much for doing it for the right reasons,
Cat thought, wondering how it was possible that everyone seemed oblivious to
such an obvious truth.

She hated participating in the event but
couldn’t say no, especially not to this one. Belonging to the elite had its
price and being related to Florence even higher, she decided.
“Don’t get me wrong… but is he the right person for you? You’ve changed,
Catalina,” Chloé said and Cat only sighed.

From how many people was she going to hear
the same thing in one day?
“You’ve always told me I work too hard and need a breather; when I get one, you
say I’ve changed. Make up your mind, Chloé.” She couldn’t quite keep up the
light tone, when everything in her wanted to scream for being constantly pushed
to the defensive lines, for being judged.
“I am happy you are having fun; I just think you could have chosen someone
more… suitable.”
“Dear God! Now you sound just like Florence!” Cat threw her hands in the air,
well aware this kind of a frustrated gesture indicated a lack of control and
was considered a big, fat no-no.
“You don’t need to insult me, you know,” Chloé protested. “But do you really
think this… whatever this is, can have any kind of future?
“Why can’t it, Chloé?” Cat wanted to know.
“Oh… you are in love with him, Kitty-Cat. I didn’t know.” Chloé looked at her
as if she admitted to some shaming ailment. “Does
he
know?”
“I am just trying to get used to the idea myself,” Catalina muttered.
“I wish you good luck then. When is his next fight?”
“Tonight,” Cat said and sighed because it was something she had a hard time
thinking about.
“You know I will stand by you no matter what,” Chloé reminded her.
“I do, thank you.” She smiled at her friend because while Chloé’s questions
were hitting close to sore spots, ultimately they were asked in a good faith
and she meant well. “Do you want to come tonight?”
“I already have plans… maybe next time. Now tell me who is
that
?” She
picked up the very same picture Gabriel had before and Cat laughed.

That was so typical for her friend to talk
about Catalina’s feelings one minute and then disregard them and move onto
another subject in the blink of an eye. Even less surprising, the latter
concerned an attractive male.
“That’s Kelton, Xan’s sparring partner,” Cat said.
“Let’s bring it outside and lie down on the sun while you tell me more about
him,” Chloé proposed.

Catalina thought about the work that was
nothing but a source of frustration to her today and considered her friend’s
offer, deciding it was the best one yet today.
“Yeah, let’s,” she agreed.

CHAPTER 35

Even a few hours spent with her best friend
didn’t bring Catalina the usual respite from her thoughts. After Chloé ran out
of time and had to go, Cat was left to her own devices, which resulted in
replaying the conversations she’d had this day.

She ignored a few phone calls she would
have never dared to before, wondering if Xan was really such a bad influence on
her or she was finally acting the way she was meant to.

At some point, the constant buzz of her
cell irritated her to a degree where she switched off the device completely,
reached for her Canon EOS 6D and left the house in search of some peace of mind
or some inspiration, whichever came first.

And it was love on her mind when she was
wandering around Santa Monica.

She knew it from stories and from movies.
She saw it through the lens of her camera and each time was like an adventure
she had never undergone herself.

Catalina recognized the emotion in the same
way a blind person could recognize things; merely by touching it with the tips
of her fingers, knowing it was there but unable to learn the depths of its
structure, leaving it all to the imagination.

It was like talking about a chocolate cake
when all she had known throughout her entire life was the vanilla variety
alone.

She had thousands of pictures to prove it,
but they still didn’t feel real enough to her deprived senses.

Until now, Cat thought.

She had spent the bigger part of the day
defending her relationship before people whose minds were set and she realized
she was wasting her breath.

Catalina didn’t think Chloé had ever been
in love or near the emotion herself, so the whole concept was quite abstract to
her. She wouldn’t know about Gabriel, but he wasn’t objective because in his
mind’s eye he had seen them together and it didn’t really matter that Cat was
trying to steer his interest in another direction.

The problem with the lieutenant was that he
had imagined her to be the kind of woman who would look good by his side based
on society’s and his family’s expectations. She understood it perfectly because
she knew her grandmother’s presumptions all too well herself.

The difference between them was that she
was ready to defy all that Florence tried to implant in her while Gabriel was
too used to following rules. Cat supposed it had something to do with him being
the law enforcer and the rest with the fact he hadn’t met anyone worth
rebelling for.

She had, Catalina smiled to herself.

The absent smile flirted with her lips while
she was awaiting the perfect time for taking a snapshot.

It felt like forever since the instant she
had first noticed them, and now she started to feel like a stalker intruding on
one of the most intimate moments she had ever laid her eyes upon.

An elderly couple was enjoying the fading
rays of the sun during their walk through the park. She was not sure why her
gaze kept returning to them and what it was exactly she was anticipating, yet
she couldn’t deny the pull these two people had on her.

Cat knew she could have taken a dozen of
pictures already and used them for one of her albums or even saved them for
later to update her portfolio.

A dozen decent pictures of a perfectly
average elderly couple.

But there was something about them that
kept her raising her camera up to her eyes and make her finger hover above the
shutter.

Maybe it was the way they were holding
hands like there was nothing unusual about it, while today’s couples didn’t
care much about manifesting their togetherness by what seemed one of the most
obvious things in Catalina’s eyes.

Perhaps it was about the fact she had discovered
lately the very same gesture and knew how it felt when Xan enveloped her hand
in his own. The safety and excitement accompanying it connected inseparably, as
if they were not on the opposite sides of the scale of sensations.

Or maybe it was all in the way the man’s
back
–
bowed by years that
had passed–was straightening a bit every time his wife smiled lightly at him.

It was all there; in small gestures, in
looks, she thought.

The affection, the intimacy and all the
things in between Catalina didn’t even have names for.

Her vision blurred a bit, but she didn’t
allow herself the luxury of blinking the sudden moisture from her eyes, afraid
she would miss the one and only chance of capturing something beyond words.

Her recently awoken heart faltered a bit,
registering it a fraction of a moment earlier than her trained eye did.

A kiss.

Not on the lips, not even on the cheek–but
on the hand instead. A vow renewed to endure everything till the very end.

A gesture of respect so profound Cat felt
the need to look away. However she didn’t, because this couldn’t go unnoticed.

It had to be captured and preserved.

She sighed softly, lowering her camera.
This was love, and she stole some part of the moment for herself, basking in
the authenticity of it.

Walking back home, she knew she was going
to add the snapshot to her private album. Some things were not meant to be
displayed for the whole world to see. They were also not meant to be justified,
Catalina added inwardly, thinking about her own relationship.

No matter the words, some things could not
be explained to others, especially when they seemed unapologetically set on
misunderstanding a person or they couldn’t comprehend what they didn’t feel
themselves.

Wasn’t it similar with her pictures?

There were those who would never decipher
her work or look at the images for the second time around. They would pass them
by without sparing them one thought or diving a bit under the first layer of
the obviousness.

But there were also those who could name
precisely the same emotions tearing her apart while she was taking snapshots,
and those were making it all worth a while.

Kindred spirits, she supposed, and
sometimes all a person needed was to know they were not alone, that there was
someone out there who could relate to them.

She had wasted the bigger part of her life
trying to conform to canons she grew up surrounded by, but those rules were too
constricting, too limiting for her to be able to breathe without restraint.

Catalina felt this way for longer than she
could remember, but it was Xan who had opened her eyes to all the things she
had been missing so far. He was the type to say exactly what he meant without
unnecessary embellishments. He didn’t care about being politically correct and
he could flip society the bird if need be, which probably shouldn’t be as exhilarating
to her as it was.

Xan disregarded the art’s point of view,
focusing on what he liked instead, without the need to analyze his decision or
give a dozen arguments to confirm his claim.

For some unfathomable reason, his no-bullshit
attitude meant more to her than refined compliments from all those pompous patrons
of art she had met throughout her entire life.

While she could surely appreciate the
finest things, the subtleties of languages, she had also always preferred the
simplicity of one’s thoughts over long and boring orations that did nothing
more than cause her eyes to glaze over.

It was priceless when someone was not
afraid to admit not having a vast knowledge about something instead of
pretending otherwise, because pretenses were all she had been fed since she was
a child.

He wasn’t a rough-around-the-edges kind of
man; he was edges himself, sharp enough to draw blood.

Yet she wouldn’t change a thing about him.

She sighed, torn when she remembered about
the manila folder Gabriel had given her, and decided that she may as well have
a look and be done with it, worrying about quieting her conscience later.

Catalina went upstairs and pulled the file
out of her nightstand again, flipping it open.

A mug shot of Robert Thorpe filled her
field of vision and she decided that Xan looked nothing like his father. Yet
after a minute of careful study, she reluctantly admitted the small resemblance
could be seen in the shape of the eyes and the well-defined jaw line.

Did Xan recognize it glancing in the mirror
everyday at himself? She wondered. Cat could only speculate what kind of
emotions it inspired within him, since the thought alone filled her with
trepidation.

Below was a long list of criminal offences.
Xan was right, Catalina thought, Robert’s rap sheet was truly impressive in the
most horrific of ways.

He had been charged with breaking and
entering, possession and distribution of illegal substances, extortion, assault
and battery… More of the same until the final nail in the coffin that sent him
to jail where he was currently serving his time for murder. And those were the
ones he was actually sentenced for; what about potential instances where he had
managed to avoid being caught? She wondered and decided it wouldn’t change the
final outcome since he was locked away anyway.

Catalina wrapped her arms around herself,
trying to find a semblance of comfort in the day that was inevitably but
irrevocably going further south since the morning.

Robert Thorpe was a scary man and her heart
went to the boy Xan once was again, when she tried to imagine living with
someone like his father dead set on harming his own son.

Probably because even then he knew, that no
matter his efforts, the child would never grow up to be anything like him, she
thought.

She glanced at the much thinner file
belonging to said son, having no wish to continue, but her parents had taught
her to finish what she started for a reason.

One glance was enough to understand
Alexander Thorpe’s offences were minor compared to his father’s, and she knew
that a cynical person like Gabriel would have told her that maybe Xan was just
smarter than his parent and learned from his mistakes.

She didn’t buy it though, not only because
she was involved with him but mostly for not sensing any kind of maliciousness
within him.

Pick pocketing when he was fourteen, stealing,
a car theft when he was fifteen, and that was where the file ended.

Nothing after that time, and nothing that
could have indicated harming another person. That said it all and was the main
difference between the father and son in her eyes.

People said an apple didn’t fall far from
the tree, but in Catalina’s opinion, this apple might as well be from another orchard.

Yet the lieutenant hadn’t hesitated to come
straight to him when someone tipped him off and she suspected once people found
themselves on the wrong side of the law, they had to live with constant
suspicion.

So much for not being guilty until proven
otherwise, she smirked inwardly.

She glanced at the face of her wristwatch
noticing the unpleasant task had taken her longer than she originally planned.

Did it change her opinion about Xan as Gabriel
expected of her?

No, if anything, Catalina understood better
how long and rough was the road he walked through from his childhood home to
his present. She still wasn’t ecstatic about his fighting, not because it was
not sanctioned but for the fear of his well being.

She sighed when she remembered she promised
to be there for his fight tonight, and when Catalina gave her word, she was
keeping it come hell or high water.

The Bennett thing again, she supposed.

She ate a salad even though she was not
hungry and copied today’s pictures to her laptop, which reminded her of the
very reason she was going to watch him on the ring.

Love, it seemed, made people do things they
would have never thought of doing otherwise.

As much as her stomach was bottoming out at
the idea of tonight’s events, she had a date with her warrior, she told
herself.

Cat grabbed her purse and keys heading
toward the door.