Curtain Call

 

by Liz Botts

Published by Astraea Press

www.astraeapress.com

 

This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters, and events are fictitious in every regard. Any similarities to actual events and persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental. Any trademarks, service marks, product names, or named features are assumed to be the property of their respective owners, and are used only for reference. There is no implied endorsement if any of these terms are used. Except for review purposes, the reproduction of this book in whole or part, electronically or mechanically, constitutes a copyright violation.

 

CURTAIN CALL

Copyright © 2012 LIZ BOTTS

ISBN 978-1-62135-080-4

Cover Art Designed by For the Muse Designs

Edited by Stephanie Taylor

 

To my sisters, Carrie and Anna.

 

 

“The test was negative.”

Josh dropped his basketball on the floor, flopped down on one of my oversized chairs, and ran a hand through his sweaty brown hair. He took a long swig of water before he frowned in confusion.

“What test?”

I pulled a throw pillow onto my lap. The fringe tickled my fingers as I wove the long strands around my hand. “The pregnancy test.”

The water bottle crunched in Josh's hand as he stilled. I couldn't bring myself to look at him so I focused on the pillow. This must be what if felt like to drop a literal bomb on someone.

“Pregnancy test?” His voice was high and slightly strangled.

My mouth went dry as hundreds of thoughts battered my mind at the same time. What was he thinking right now? I licked my lips before nodding slowly.

Josh deposited the crushed water bottle on the coffee table. He leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees. “Han, look at me,” he said, his voice low and soft, but serious. Finally, I forced myself to look up. I wasn't ready for the simultaneous looks of love and betrayal mixing in Josh's eyes. A lump formed at the back of my throat. “Tell me exactly what you are talking about.”

The words I wanted to speak were bottled up so I could only emit a terrified squeak. Shaking my head, I looked down at my hands again, clutching the pillow in desperation. A few tears trickled down my cheeks.

How could I explain myself? Nothing I could possibly say would adequately describe the terror I had felt when I realized I was late or the embarrassment of buying the pregnancy test. I couldn't explain that I should never have been in that position in the first place. That girl wasn't me.

The look of anguished hurt I'd glimpsed in Josh's eyes told me that he didn't comprehend how I could keep something like this from him. My addled brain didn't really understand how I could keep something like this from him either.

“Hannah? Honey, please tell me what's going on.” Josh moved from the chair and kneeled and front of me, taking my hands he stroked the backs with his thumbs. “When…did you think you were pregnant?”

The floodgates opened and tears streamed down my face. My stomach clenched as all the stress that had been building over the last few weeks poured out. Josh pulled me into his arms while I cried my heart out. As I soaked Josh's shoulder, he simply held me tightly against his chest. The familiar scent of him made me cry harder.

Finally spent, I sagged back against the sofa and really looked at Josh for the first time all night. Worry was etched on his face, and I couldn't take the tenderness shining in his eyes. Anger—hot and irrational—flared up in me.

“Yes. I thought I was pregnant,” I snapped. “But I'm not.”

The concern changed to confusion, and Josh stood slowly. His eyebrows knit together as one corner of his mouth puckered into a lopsided frown. “How could you not tell me?”

I sprang to my feet and started to pace the small living room. “And what would you have done if I had told you? What would
we
have done if I'd been pregnant?”

Josh shrugged. “Gotten married.”

My jaw dropped. I could feel it go slack. “Married? Are you crazy?”

“What? I see us married,” Josh said, his eyebrows furrowing. “So we would have gotten married sooner rather than later.”

“We're only seniors in college.”

“Yeah…so?” Josh crossed his arms, studying me, but anger crept across his features.

I stopped pacing and put my hands on my hips. “So? We're too young to get married and raise a kid.”

Josh scrubbed a hand across his face. “Harlow had a kid at our age. You love Britney.”

“Of course I love Britney. She's my niece. But I don't want to end up like Harlow. I want a life.”

“Fine,” Josh said. “And you'll get one. You aren't pregnant. So what are we worried about?”

“We're still having sex.” I arched an eyebrow at him, daring him to deny that this was the root cause of all our problems. If sex wasn't involved, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I wouldn't be so emotional over what might have happened. And I wouldn't be having this apparent early-life crisis. I hadn't even reached quarter life yet.

With a sigh, Josh nodded. “Yes, and we've been really careful.”

I laughed, but the sound came out strangled. “Yeah, and Harlow got pregnant while she was on birth control too. Accidents happen, Josh.” I paused. “We never should have started doing it.”

Anger flashed in Josh's eyes. “Doing it? Come on, Han. It's been more than that and you know it.”

“Do I?”

A hard mask slammed down across Josh's face. His jaw clenched, and his eyes narrowed. “That was low, Hannah. We made the decision together. I thought we were on the same page.”

I turned away and shrugged. “I guess not.”

“Why are we even talking about this?” The frustration in Josh's voice was evident in the rough edge as he bit off each word. Normally I would let my walls fall down so we could work things out, but something kept me from turning around. My anger felt righteous. Did he not worry about becoming a statistic?

“We're talking about this because we had a pregnancy scare, and it needs to be discussed.”

Josh took a few steps toward me. I could hear the floor creak as he came nearer. “
You
had a pregnancy scare, Hannah,” he said, his voice cracking slightly. “I didn't even get the chance to be there for you.”

I felt my heart harden. He was making this about him? The feeling tightened my chest. “Maybe…maybe I didn't need you to be there for me.”

Josh reached out, turning me gently to face him. “What are you talking about, Hannah? We've been together for five years. I…I need you, just like I thought you needed me.”

Emotions warred within me; love, anger, frustration. As I looked up into Josh's face I remembered all the reasons I loved him, but at the same time I remembered all the reasons why things hadn't been right for the past few months. Drawing in a deep breath, I said, “I don't know what I need anymore. I do know that I don't need to be having sex. I don't need to worry about having a kid.”

Josh frowned briefly but nodded. “Okay. Fine. We can stop. We'll wait until you're ready.”

I laid my hands on his chest. His heart hammered under my touch. That steady rhythm connected me to him, made the ache in my own chest so much worse. Maybe the thing I needed the most right now was not to be connected to Josh. “I don't think that's enough right now.”

Silence wrapped around us while Josh regarded me. Finally he said, “What are you saying?”

“I'm saying…I'm saying that I think we need to take a break. The possibility of being pregnant opened my eyes a little. What if we're not right for each other? Or we get in a situation where we have to stay together and wind up hating each other?”

Josh dropped his arms and took a step back. He stared at me in utter disbelief. “You're breaking up with me?”

“I don't know.” I wrapped my arms around myself. I'd much rather have been in Josh's arms, but an odd feeling of relief washed over me. I had made a decision. For myself. Something about that little act made me feel free in ways I hadn't in a long time. A rush of adrenaline shot through my veins, giving me a buzzing feeling in my head.

“How can we be breaking up?” Josh sounded so lost as he spoke, but with each moment that passed I felt more sure that this was the right way to go. He clasped his hands together in a pleading stance, and his eyes were shiny. “I love you.”

That got me. “I love you too. That's why I need to take a step back.”

We stared at each other, Josh's face mirroring the raw emotion I felt.

“Don't do this,” Josh said softly.

I swallowed past the growing lump in my throat. “I have to.”

“Hannah…” He started toward me, closing the distance between us.

“Go,” I said with a harshness I didn't mean. I didn't have the strength to say it again.

Josh's eyes widened, but he didn't say anything else. He simply turned, grabbed his coat and basketball, and headed toward the apartment door. The sound of the door shutting behind him reverberated through the small space. I was engulfed in the sudden silence, feeling lonelier than I ever had before. Part of myself had just been ripped away and walked out the door with Josh.

****

“Hey, Hannah, I'm home.”

I blinked awake at the sound of Hayley's voice. My eyes felt gritty and my nose chapped. It took me a second to remember why, but when I did, the tears welled up again. With great effort I pushed myself up on the couch. I pulled the crocheted afghan closer around myself, and started to sniffle as Hayley came in from the kitchen.

“Whoa, what's wrong?” Hayley asked as she settled onto the couch beside me.

“I…I…I broke up with Josh,” I said with a hiccup.

“What? You're joking, right? Why?”

I cried harder as Hayley wrapped her arms around me. “I just couldn't take it all anymore.”

“Take what?” Hayley smoothed hair back from my face.

Swiping the snot away from my nose with the back of my hand, I sat up, mildly disgusted with my own grossness. “I had a pregnancy scare.”

Hayley's eyebrows practically flew off her face. “You and Josh were…?”

“Yeah, only for a little while. A few months.” I jammed my fingers through the web of the blanket.

“Um, can I ask why?”

I glanced at her in confusion. Her question bothered me a little. “What do you mean, why?”

Hayley squeezed me one last time before leaning back on the hideous blue and purple zebra striped sofa Grandma had gifted us with when we moved into the apartment. “Nothing, really. I just figured that since you guys had waited this long, you were waiting for marriage or something. No offense, Hannah, really.”

That made me laugh. So typically Hayley. “None taken. I wish we had waited.”

“Why didn't you?” Hayley smoothed her shiny ponytail, and adjusted her hot pink tank top emblazoned with her sorority's letters. Why she was wearing a tank top in the middle of winter was beyond me.

I considered her question. The decision to have sex hadn't been a quick one. Josh and I had discussed it at length. Several of my friends had been shocked to discover that I was a virgin at twenty-one, which had been embarrassing. But none of those reasons really felt right.

“We were together for nearly five years. We just decided it was time. Everyone else was doing it.” The words sounded hollow and cliché even to my own ears.

Hayley bit her lip as she looked at me. I had seen the expression on her face one too many times. She was holding back, not wanting to offend me by whatever she was thinking.

“I know. I sound pathetic, but it's the truth. We just did it, and I guess I wasn't ready.” I picked at the fuzz on the blanket. My whole life I had been so strong, only doing things that made sense to me. I had loved that about myself. When other girls were bending to their boyfriends, I had an equal relationship with Josh. But then…somewhere along the way I started listening to what others thought I should be doing. Giving in to peer pressure seemed so stupid in hindsight, and yet…at the time it made me feel good to be included in so many conversations with the other girls in my classes.

“So why did you break up?”

A shuddery breath escaped my lungs. “I just need some time by myself to think things through. Make sure we're staying together for the right reasons.”

“Okay,” Hayley said. “Do you need anything? Let me know what I can do.”

I tried to give her a smile, but it wavered. “I'm fine.”

“No you're not,” Hayley said. “Hang on, I'll be right back.”

A minute later, the refrigerator opened, followed by the clinking of silverware. Hayley hopped back onto the sofa with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and two spoons.

She handed me a spoon and said, “Ice cream therapy.”

We dipped into the container, neither of us saying anything for a long time. My breathing slowed to normal with only the occasional hiccup. How could all of this have taken such a nasty turn? How did one stupid decision change everything so fast?

A few months ago I had been dreaming about marrying Josh after college, maybe moving to the city to find work in theater. Not on stage, but maybe something behind the scenes. I had no delusions that I would ever be a great actress, but working in the theater seemed to make so much sense.

I loved the energy of working on a performance, especially when everyone in the cast pooled their creativity. Shows took on a life of their own after just a few rehearsals, and being part of something bigger than myself always felt so right.

And Josh and I…we fit together perfectly. Ever since high school, he had been my everything, my best friend. After we started sleeping together, something shifted between us. Even now as I sat contemplating what had happened, I couldn't exactly put my finger on it. One day we were just Hannah and Josh, and the next we had crossed some invisible line, and had started taking our relationship for granted. Before, even when things got hot and heavy, when we pulled apart we each had our separate identities. After, I guess I felt like I lost myself in him, and not in a good way.

Insecurities I had never known existed started to surface. I worried constantly that he would leave me or cheat on me. After only a few times, I had turned into the kind of girl I despised. The clingy type that didn't feel complete without my boyfriend next to me. Josh reassured me that nothing had changed, that he loved me more than ever. He honestly had the patience of a saint. But even as the words he intended to soothe me drifted into my ears, they created a little ball of resentment deep inside my soul.

With a stab of the spoon into the ice cream, I realized that I resented Josh. He kept telling me that he loved me more than ever. How could that be true when all I could see was how everything around us, including us, had changed? Hayley arched an eyebrow at me as I looked up at her. Clearly not privy to my thoughts, I licked the spoon clean, suddenly glad to feel the sadness fading and that wonderfully righteous anger returning.

“Josh sucks,” I said.

Hayley frowned. “I don't want to say too much. I mean, it's not really my place anyway, but why? Just out of curiosity, you know.”

I tapped my spoon against the ice cream container. “He made me change. I wasn't ready for sex. Everything went downhill after we started doing it.”

“Did Josh pressure you?” Hayley's eyes grew wide.

Guilt crept in. “No. I told you, we just decided it was time. But still…” I dropped my gaze to the ice cream, unsure how to finish my thoughts.

Hayley was quiet for a long time. “Did you ever talk to Josh about how you were feeling?”

“No,” I admitted. Then a surge of anger swept over me, and I jammed the spoon down hard into the ice cream. With a quick shove, the afghan fell to the floor, and I jumped off the couch. “Whose side are you on anyway? You're my little sister. Have some loyalty.”

I spun around and marched to my room. Hayley followed me. She caught the door just before it slammed in her face. “Nice try, Han,” she said. “You can be as mad at me as you want, but the reality is that
you
just broke up with Josh. You made the decision. You have every right to be upset, but not with me. I'm not on anyone's side. I love you, so yeah, I want to make sure you're okay. But I know Josh pretty well now too, and I can't just take up arms against him.” She paused, leaning against the doorframe. “I think part of your problem is that this has nothing to do with Josh. This is all about you.”

My anger faltered. I hated how astute Hayley could be. She was my little sister for crying out loud. Still…the petty part of me made me toss my head back and glare at her. “Yeah? And what's the other part of my problem?”

Hayley gave me a sad smile. “You're still hopelessly in love with Josh,” she said as she closed my door. “And it scares you to death.”