Curtain Call (9 page)

Why couldn't I just let things go back to some semblance of normal, like tonight? We didn't necessarily need to go back to doing everything as we had before, did we? Even as the thought entered my head, I knew I couldn't go back without going forward first. Things needed to be dealt with.

“I know we do,” I said. “I just need some more time to figure this out.”

Josh caught my hand. I looked up at him. He held my gaze as he said, “I won't give up on us, Hannah. Not yet.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, tears choking my voice.

Britney chose that moment to let us know that we had been ignoring her for far too long. First, she slammed a spoon down on her plate making us jump. Then she took one of her chicken nuggets and chucked it at me.

“Britty, no, don't throw food,” I said, attempting to mimic Harlow's tone. Britney threw another nugget at me. This one was covered in ketchup. Her aim had improved too because this one landed squarely on my sweater with a soft squelch before it fell to the floor beneath the booth.

“Ew, gross,” I muttered as I grabbed for a napkin. “Britney, that is enough.”

Her little face crumpled. I guess this time I was too stern. Tears spilled down her cheeks, as her wailing ramped up. People around us started to stare. Even Josh looked mildly alarmed. I had to get out of there. The air felt thick and I couldn't get a full breath into my lungs. My hand landed on the puffy sleeve of Britney's coat. Without much thought I wrestled it on to her while she was still confined to the booster seat. She flailed wildly, one small fist connected with my cheek.

I heard the sharp intake of Josh's breath. “That had to hurt. Let me help.”

“No,” I snapped. “No, I can do this on my own.”

“Is that some kind of theme with you now?” Josh's words startled me, and I swung my head around to look at him. My eyes watered. I wasn't sure if it was because of Britney's sucker punch or Josh's harsh words.

Struggling into my own coat, I grabbed the diaper bag and hauled a squalling Britney out of the booster seat.

“I'll pay you back,” I said as we wove our way through the tables. Britney kicked her feet wildly, and I caught the heel of one boot in my ribs.

As we made it to the door, I felt a hand on my elbow. “Let me help you home, Hannah,” Josh said, firmly but gently taking Britney from me.

Weary from fighting Britney, from fighting Josh, from fighting myself, I let him readjust Britney against his hip, and held the door open for him. The cold night wrapped around us as we trudged back to my apartment. Britney squirmed in Josh's arms, but her sobs subsided and eventually she laid her head on his shoulder, hiccupping periodically.

The silence felt vast and deep between us, and I felt lonelier than I ever had. I had never imagined that I would feel this way around Josh. He had always been my safe place. Sadness gripped me like a vice. When we reached my building, Josh handed me a now sleeping Britney and said, “We're still good together, Han. Let's talk soon.”

Overwhelmed by my emotions I simply nodded, and headed up the steps toward home. Britney's body was heavy against my shoulder, and I held her all the more tightly as we headed into the apartment. Cradling my sweet little niece in my arms made me feel hopeful. The emotion spread like warm butter across my chest and down my arms. I laid Britney down on the sofa and took off my coat. Even if I didn't want Harlow's life, I was glad that my sister had this precious little girl.

A knock at the door drew me out of my initial reverie. Harlow entered, a look of simultaneous exhaustion and exhilaration on her face. She paused to stare at her daughter.

“I love watching her sleep,” Harlow said. “People always say that, and I know it's such a cliché, but it's totally true. Melts my heart.”

“So, how'd the meeting go?” I asked.

Harlow shrugged but the gleam in her eyes belied her casual gesture. “Fine,” she said. “But, oh my, I got asked to be on the negotiating team.”

“Wow, that's amazing,” I said, unsure what that meant.

I must have looked confused because Harlow said, “I think it's a big deal. I'll have to work really hard, with long hours and no additional pay, but it feels so important to me. I don't remember the last time something felt this way to me.”

“Not even your senior project?”

Harlow's mouth twisted into a frown. “I was pregnant with Britney at the time, so not really.”

“Sorry,” I said. “I forgot.”

My voice was barely above a whisper, partially so I wouldn't wake Britney and partially because I truly had forgotten. Harlow, the family superstar, had derailed her dreams. I watched emotions flicker across my sister's face.

Finally she said, “You know, even when I found out I was pregnant with Britt, I wasn't sure I wanted to go down the path I was on.”

“What do you mean?” I tried to sort out what Harlow was telling me.

“I had already started the coursework to get my teacher cert. Everyone always wanted me to go on and be some big star or something. After awhile I wasn't sure whose dream it was anymore. I was just so confused. Then I got pregnant and everything changed.” Harlow hugged her arms around herself and sat down on the sofa next to Britney. She stroked her daughter's little booted foot.

“And…and are you happy?” I asked after a moment.

Harlow nodded slowly. “You know, this isn't the path I would have chosen. But, yeah, I am happy,” she said and paused, glancing over at Britney. “And I wouldn't change it for the world.”

Tears sprang to my eyes. I realized that I had never really known anything about my sister. In an awkward moment, I wanted to hug her and tell her how proud I was of her life choices. And the way she had taken responsibility of her life. My tongue glued to the roof of my mouth, though, and I couldn't find the words. Instead I made a gurgling noise.

Harlow gave me a weird look, but let the moment pass without comment. She got to her feet, and lifted Britney off the sofa in one fluid motion. “Well, we need to get home,” she said. “Thanks again for watching her.”

“Not a problem. It was fun.”

Hayley walked in just as Harlow left. There was a brief exchange that I couldn't hear, accompanied by Hayley kissing a sleeping Britney. After they said goodbye, Hayley turned her attention to me. I could feel her gaze linger on the bruise on my cheek, then drift to the mess of magazines and coasters littering the floor. She raised an eyebrow.

“I don't want to talk about it,” I said with a sigh. Every muscle screamed with exhaustion. “I'm going to crawl into bed now.”

“Night, Hannah,” Hayley said as she walked toward her bedroom. A moment later, she let out a small shriek. Her door flew open with startling speed, hitting the wall with a dull thud. “What went on here tonight?”

I stared at her as I tried to process what on earth she was talking about. “Huh?”

“What did you do to my bed!”

Oops
.

 

 

I inhaled the steamy scent of coffee and vanilla, hoping it would wake me up. My nights had begun to stretch into long bouts of insomnia. It plagued me when I got really stressed, and right now my stress levels were at an all time high. In the past I would have just called Josh and talked until I fell asleep. Since that wasn't an option right now, I just waited until I was overcome by exhaustion. I stifled another yawn.

Angela plunked her mug down on the table. She dumped her backpack on the floor and sank into the chair with a sigh.

“I had such a huge test in design today,” she said with a shake of her brown corkscrew curls. “If I didn't fail, it will be a miracle.”

“I'm sure you did fine,” I replied.

Angela moaned and dropped her head to the table with a dull
thunk
. “Why do people always say that?”

I laughed. “For moral support, I guess. What went wrong?”

“I don't know,” Angela said. “Design just isn't my thing, you know? That's why I'm glad that theater is just one of my majors.”

I envied Angela's drive and determination. “So what do you want to do after graduation?” I asked.

Angela pursed her lips and gazed out the big front windows of the student union. Piles of dirty snow lined the curbs. We watched students jump over them as they got off the buses. The sky was a pale gray. Everything just looked and felt washed out.

“Honestly, I want to manage a theater,” Angela said after some thought. “That's why I picked up theater and hospitality management in the first place. It's not like I'll be able to get that right off the bat either. Hopefully I'll just be able to find something close to what I want, you know?”

“At least you have a plan,” I said. I took a long sip of my now lukewarm coffee. “Why does coffee get cold so fast?”

“Everything gets cold fast these days,” Angela said. She chugged her coffee, draining it before she set the mug back on the table. “So what about you?”

“Hmmm? What about me?”

Angela rolled her eyes at me. “What are you going to do after graduation?”

I squirmed. A bitter taste filled my mouth. “I don't know,” I said with a big sigh. “Go to grad school, I guess.”

“You guess?”

I met Angela's eyes and sighed again. “I don't know what I want to do. Grad school seems like a good enough idea,” I said. “I…don't think I want to do anything with theater, though.”

“Whoa, really?” Angela asked. “Not to be nosy, but how long have you been thinking that?”

Despite the sudden heaviness weighing on my chest, I giggled. “You aren't being nosy, just being Angela. I don't know. Since November? I think that's really when I started feeling…off. Pretty late to change my mind, huh?”

“Eh, lots of people don't know what they'll do after graduation,” Angela said. “It just surprises me with you, that's all.”

“Really? Why?” I chewed my lip. I hadn't told any of my friends about the reasons for my break with Josh.

Angela shrugged. “Out of all of us, you were the one I could see making it in the business.”

I vaguely remembered that feeling. There definitely had been a time when theater had been the only choice for me. But…how could I explain the feeling when it all felt flat? Sometime in the past year, the passion had fizzled, and while I still had fun with theater stuff, it felt more like a nice hobby rather than a lifelong career path.

“I want to do something that's meaningful,” I said. To my surprise, I found that to be exactly what I wanted. “I don't think that's going to happen if I keep doing theater.”

“Do you want to teach?” The way Angela asked the question told me exactly what she thought of that idea.

“Hey, there's nothing wrong with teaching,” I said. “But no. I don't think I'd have the patience. Honestly, I don't have a clue what I want to do, just for it to be something meaningful.”

“That's a good goal,” Angela said, giving me an encouraging smile. “What about Josh?”

Just hearing his name made me feel twitchy, like all my nerve endings suddenly woke up and started firing at the same time. I felt like I had when we first met, when just thinking about Josh could make me dizzy.

“I think he wants to go to grad school for physical therapy.”

“You think? What's going on with you two anyway?” Angela asked.

I hesitated. I couldn't help it. Angela was one of my best friends, but this thing with Josh was just so personal. Talking to Hayley had been hard enough. The thought of admitting everything to Angela scared me, but maybe I
needed
to talk.

“Okay, but please don't judge me. I just…this is hard, okay?” I couldn't look her in the eye.

Angela reached out and took my hand. “Hey,” she said softly. “I'd never judge you, Hannah. You're my best friend. I'm just worried about you.”

As I drew in a shaky breath, I felt tears pool in my eyes. A lump formed in my throat making it hard to swallow. “Josh and I, we, um, we had a pregnancy scare in January, and I just, uh, couldn't handle it.”

With a quick squeeze, I felt Angela's support. “I had no idea,” she said.

“No one did,” I paused. “Not even Josh. I mean, yeah, we were sleeping together. I just didn't tell him about the pregnancy thing. And please. Don't ask me why. I don't know.”

“I don't know what to say.”

“You don't need to say anything,” I said. “I don't want pity or sympathy. I'm just so…ashamed.”

Angela reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Why?”

Tears started to trickle down my cheeks. My breath hitched in my chest. “I just wanted to wait, and we didn't and everyone thinks it's Josh's fault, but it's not and I'm so confused.”

We sat at the table for a long time while I cried quietly and Angela held my hand. At last I was spent, and I sank lower into my seat, suddenly aware that we were in the middle of the student union.

Angela waited until my sniffles had tapered off before she asked, “So, basically your whole life is confusing. What are you going to do about it?”

“I…I don't know. I don't feel like I have any choices,” I whined, cringing when I heard the tone of my voice.

“You always have a choice,” Angela said.

“I don't have any choices with Josh,” I said.

“Hannah, I love you, you know that. You're my best friend, but seriously this pity party has to stop,” Angela said. “You do have a choice with Josh. You have lots of choices actually.”

“Like what?” I chafed at her assumption that I was still mired in a pity party. I had left that behind weeks ago, I thought.

Angela shrugged and traced the pattern on her coffee cup. “Well, first you can decide if you want to get back together with him or not. Choice number one. If you get back together you can decide to start sleeping with him again or you can decide to wait until you are married like you said you wanted. Choice number two.”