Damaged and the Knight (22 page)

“Like I said already, we’re not giving you Outlaw and we’re not interested in those assets your friends fucked with. We have other assets. Might even get ourselves some new ones too.”

“You threatening something here?” Caleb said, stepping closer and sending the room into testosterone overload.

Cooper merely crossed his arms and grinned. “Doesn’t every son want to expand on his father’s empire?”

Whatever this meant to Caleb, he wasn’t happy. Suddenly, he focused his hard gaze on me and gave another one of his fake smiles.

“You sure the little girl should be hearing all of this? She looks about ready to cry.”

Cooper stepped between me and Caleb then growled, “You should be worrying about what I want to hear.”

“So this is it?” Caleb nearly yelled. “You have us come all this fucking way, so you can tell us the same shit you told us on the fucking phone?”

“Hell yeah. No skin off my ass about your drive.”

“If you want a war, the old man will give you a war.”

“Wars are costly,” Cooper said, rubbing at his wrist where Farah’s name was tattooed. “Lots of people get involved. You have enough people to make that worth the trouble?”

Remembering what Judd said about Memphis backing Kirk, I understood Cooper’s threat. Caleb understood it too and proceeded to cuss like he was dying and only the word fuck would save him.

“Fine. Let’s keep playing this fucking game,” Caleb said, pointing at Cooper. “You won’t like the ending though.”

Once Cooper shrugged, Caleb flipped him off and stormed out of the bar. The rest of the Devils followed their leader, but I didn’t watch them go.

Instead, I watched Cooper’s guys who were mostly pissed. Some looked angry at Caleb while a few seemed irritated with Cooper. They all tensed when violence looked imminent. They all relaxed when the Devils left.

Except for one older guy who remained steely-eyed during the exchange. His expression never changed, even as things grew heated. When my dad was selling a lie, his expression would freeze to avoid giving himself away. Kirk’s guy was the same way. A rock through the whole showdown, he acted like a man who knew how everything would end.

I’d found the mole.

Chapter Twenty Two

After telling Cooper my theory and making a quick stop at the store for essentials, Judd and I enjoyed the rest of the day by running around his condo naked. The next day I had no work, so we took a ride on his Harley. Judd drove us around Ellsberg then out towards the Johansson property. We passed it and kept riding. Turning off the highway, Judd glanced back and told me to hold on tight. We were soon on rough ground, following a dirt path through dense woods. Even tightening my grip on Judd as I bounced on the back of the Harley, I enjoyed the crisp autumn day.

As the Harley slowed near a creek, Judd pulled over and turned off the engine. Glancing back at me, he grinned.

“Your cheeks are a sexy pink.”

Something about the way he was looking at me caused the words to leave my mouth before my brain processed them.

“I wish you were inside me right now.”

Judd’s smile faded and he exhaled hard. “I’ve never been this horny in my life. It’s like my dick is addicted.”

“Be still my heart, you charmer,” I teased, sliding off the bike. “What are we doing out here?”

“I’m thinking I should be doing you,” he said, adjusting himself after climbing off the bike.

“You drove us way out here for that?”

“No, I drove us out here for this,” Judd said, removing a gun from his holster. “You need to learn to shoot.”

For the slightest second when the gun appeared, I imagined it was meant to be used on me. The fear didn’t last long, but that moment must have registered on my face because Judd frowned.

“Tawny,” he said as if simply my name would express the irritation he felt at my even considering he might harm me.

“Yes, Judd?” I asked innocently.

Rolling his eyes, he walked toward the creek. “Vaughn and I come out here to shoot. I called ahead and let Jodi know I was bringing you out here, so they wouldn’t freak about the gunshots. Now, come over here so I can teach you.”

Judd stood at the edge of the creek and fired at a tree, hitting a well worn hole. I watched him until he glanced back at me.

“I’m sorry,” I said, realizing he was hurt by my fear. “It’s a reflex.”

“I know. I just hate that look on my angel’s face. You’ve had enough fear in your life that I can’t be someone who adds to it.”

Walking to him, I gave him my best smile. “With you, I feel safer than I’ve ever felt. Even in that room full of bikers, I felt like I would be okay because you were with me. I really believed you’d use Cooper as a shield to protect me.”

Judd laughed. “I would so shove his ass in front of you to take a bullet. He knows it too. It’s why he’s not being a bitch about our relationship anymore. He knows I’m not fucking you. I’m…”

Unable to finish, Judd just stared into my eyes and I hoped that look meant what I thought it did. Instead of talking about feelings, Judd handed me the gun and showed me the basics. Soon, I was holding it with both hands and aiming at the target across the creek.

“Relax so the recoil won’t hurt you,” he said as his body pressed behind me. “Let yourself focus on the target, not on how you want to hit it.”

The first shot went off into the woods, never getting anywhere close to the tree. Imagining one of the bikers from years ago, I focused on the idea of him standing on the other side of the creek. I didn’t focus on hitting him, only saw him mocking me. Firing once, I chipped the tree.

“Nice,” Judd murmured, leaning down to nip at my earlobe.

“I was thinking of one of those fuckers who hurt me,” I said softly. “I didn’t read him well at all. I thought he was nicer because he didn’t hit me or chock me. He didn’t piss on me or yank me around by my hair. He seemed almost gentle and I looked forward to when it was his turn because he wasn’t so scary.”

Firing again, I grazed the tree. “His name was Alex and he said he would get my necklace back from the fuck who took it for his kid. He said I was pretty and the others didn’t. They said Farah was Cinderella and I was the ugly stepsister. Alex made me feel like I wasn’t the shitty leftovers no one wanted though. I even liked him a little after the first few days, but he’s the one who ruined me.”

My mind was focused on Alex standing on the other side of creek, waiting to die. I never thought of Judd standing behind me or what I was saying. I just wanted to hurt Alex for making me nothing.

“The head guy was Travis and he liked Farah. He enjoyed making her scream and he hated how she would cry when he fucked her. He wanted to punish her and Alex thought it would be funny for me to be part of hurting Farah. I hate the fucker.”

Firing again, I refused to cry. Besides, I wasn’t sad. I was enraged that Farah ever cried or screamed or that I shamed myself in front of her.

“Alex would fuck me in front of the mirror. I didn’t think about that, but one time, he made me come and told me to look at what a dirty whore I was. I did look and he was right. I looked happy. I knew that’s how I looked in front of Farah and I hated myself. I tried to forget, but that’s the face I see in the mirror. The dirty whore coming with some old fucker. The evil bitch that came for Travis in front of a crying Farah.”

When Judd yanked the gun away from me, I turned to him and frowned. “I was getting better at hitting the target.”

He stared at me and I saw such pain in those eyes. “Do you ever listen to what you say about yourself?”

Confused, I stared up at him. “I feel like I have to lie with everyone else, but I don’t want to lie with you.”

Judd wiped a single tear rolling down my cheek. “I need you to be strong and understand my life because you’re part of it. I want you to feel safe and strong, but you’re the biggest threat to yourself.”

Lowering my gaze, I felt ashamed to have him say those words. “I’m sorry.”

“Tawny,” he said softly, lifting my chin so I would meet his gaze, “you are so beautiful and you deserve to look in the fucking mirror and see what I see.”

“I can’t look. When I do, I see that whore coming for every freak in the gang.”

“You’ve imprinted all these lies into your head and I can’t make them go away. I don’t have the power to make you stop thinking like that. Only you do, but I don’t think you can. Not on your own.”

“I don’t understand,” I said, caressing my crucifix for reassurance.

Judd returned the gun to his holster. “When my mom got away from my dad, she suffered from PTSD. She tried therapy and it didn’t really help. Building a new life did help, but she still had those dark moods. Finally, her doctor got her on an anti-depressant and her dark moods weren’t so dark. She still has bad days, but she feels more in control.”

Feeling like he was calling me defective, I just wanted to hide from the world. “You want me to take medication to fix me?”

“No,” he said, cupping my face. “You are fixing yourself already. At first, I didn’t get why you’d work at that job or live in the shithole, but I understand now. If you lived off Cooper, in your mind, your every success would really be his.”

Even afraid Judd was ready to discard me for being a loser, I had to admit he was right about why I wanted to work and live on my own. I nodded as he caressed my cheeks.

“You try so hard and I see you working to dig yourself out of that life you had growing up, but you also have these dark moods where I worry you’ll be the one who destroys you.”

“I was just being honest and using Alex as a target.”

“Not just what you said right now, but the message you left me. Fuck, you can’t know how scared I was that you’d do something before I got back to you. I thought to call you, but what if I said something to make it worse? I just jumped on the bike and came straight to see you because the girl leaving that message didn’t hate me for fucking up. She hated herself for every wrong in the world. It’s not your damn fault those fuckers hurt you and Farah.”

“I came in front of Farah,” I said, pulling away and wiping at my tears. “With Travis, after he’d hurt her. I had to look in her eyes as she cried in a corner and I got off. I’m a whore.”

Judd yanked me to him and I thought he might hit me. “My mom would think she asked to be hit by my dad. Like she brought it on herself. He was a predator though and she was weak. Those fuckers are predators and you were a child. You were too young to know what was happening and you’ve filled your head with fucking lies. Dammit, Tawny,” he said, shaking me by the shoulders. “You were what, twelve, thirteen? They screwed you up and you never healed right. You just tell yourself those damn lies again and again. You think them every time you pass a fucking mirror. I see the way you dodge anything with your reflection. That’s fucked up and you deserve to be free of it, but you can’t because your brain is wired to self-hatred.” Judd paused and pulled me into his arms. “You need help rewiring it.”

“What can some pill do though?”

“If it’s like my mom, it’ll just even out your moods. Make it easier for you to work through shit when you start feeling bad. It doesn’t make you happy. It just makes it easier for you to make yourself happy.”

I tried to imagine feeling calmer and being able to get stronger. Sometimes, I thought if I didn’t have Farah and now Judd, I would rather die than feel as bad as I did. If a pill kept me from feeling so bad, I wanted to try. When I was calmer, I knew I deserved to be happy. Now, finding Judd, I had a chance to be happier than I’d ever dreamed, but I was scared.

“Will you go with me to the doctor?” I asked, sounding like a kid.

Judd caressed my hair. “Fuck yeah, babe. I’ll do whatever you need because when you smile, it’s like the world is perfect. But when you say that ugly shit about yourself, I can barely keep from tearing this world apart for hurting you the way it has. We’ll do this together.”

Wrapping him tighter in my arm, I sighed. “I do want to smile and know what I really look like in the mirror. I want those things, but I’m scared to do anything different. I’m worried if I try and fail that I’ll know it’ll never be better.”

“If one thing doesn’t work, we’ll try something else,” he said, running his fingers through my messy hair. “We’ll try because that girl back with those bikers deserved to have a good life. We need to give her that.”

Suddenly, I felt like I was that girl again. Really felt the pain and shame. Remembered how my father wouldn’t look at me after Travis said I loved every moment. Mostly, I remembered how broken Farah was and how I worried she wouldn’t love me anymore. I wondered if every time Farah looked at me that she saw the whore coming with the man who tortured her?

Sobbing against Judd, I remembered how simple my dreams once were. Before those bikers showed up, all I wanted was to take my sister out for a birthday dinner at Dairy Queen. Why couldn’t that little girl have another chance to feel truly happy again?

By the time I calmed down and rested next to Judd on the cold ground, I already felt happier. I’d never said those ugly things out loud. Instead of keeping the pain inside, I showed Judd all of the painful scars and he still looked at me like I was beautiful. The smile he gave me as we returned to the Harley was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. My knight never stopped saving me.

Chapter Twenty Three

I was raised to believe therapy was something rich weak people did because they were too weak to know better. Even knowing most of the shit my family believed was stupid, I felt weird sitting in the shrink’s office. Judd sat next to me, messing around on his phone. I wasn’t sure what was so fascinating, but I sensed it was related to the mole. Once he was done texting his secret codes and sent them to Cooper, he smiled down at me.

“Having fun yet?” he asked.

Nodding, I ran my fingers over his angel tattoo. Even though Judd thought I was beautiful like the angel, I felt dirty sitting there with him.

“What if she’s mean? What if she calls me names like Aunt Pam said the therapist did to my cousin who killed herself?”