Dance (19 page)

“Talk
fast, Cat, because the hottest man on the planet is waiting for me naked, wet,
and turned on,” Fenix groaned into the phone.

“Hello
to you too,” said his agent, and Fenix could hear the smile in her voice.

“What
do you want, Cat?”

“Can’t
I just check in with my favourite client?” Cathleen purred on the other side of
the line, obviously enjoying herself.

“Get
to the point or I’m hanging up. Man, Jared’s probably already started without
me!”

“Alright, alright!
Geez.
You’re shameless. Do you have to shove your hot
boyfriend in everyone’s face?” Fenix took a breath to reply to the obvious pun,
but Cathleen beat him to it. “I swear to God if you make a joke about shoving
things in people’s faces I’m hanging up and you’ll never hear the amazing news
I have for you.”

“Amazing news?”
Fenix asked,
grinning.

“Yes.
Just make sure you’re sitting down because this is huge, Fenix.”

“How huge?”

“Broadway huge.”

“Cat,
you know I love you, but if you’re kidding right now, I’m
gonna
buy the first ticket to New York and strangle you.”

“No
joke.
Poison
received an offer for
Broadway two weeks ago. I couldn’t tell you because I signed the fucking
confidentiality agreement everyone’s so fond of these days. It was all hush
hush
until this morning when they signed the papers. They
were waiting for the results from the Laurence Olivier awards, I can bet my BMW
on it,” Cathleen said and huffed, voicing her distaste. “Anyway, I wanted to be
the first to tell you, but you should expect calls from the producers, the
press, and a shitload of other people any time.” Cathleen stopped talking,
probably expecting some reaction from Fenix, but he couldn’t make his brain
work or his tongue form words.

Broadway.

His dream.

It
was coming true right this second and Fenix didn't know how to react.
Cathleen’s voice brought him back to the present.

“You’re
going to Broadway, baby!” she said with a squeal of delight.

I’m going to Broadway.

Fenix
managed to register that Cathleen said something else about mailing him all the
documents and expecting him in her office in two days, but he couldn't respond.
He mumbled a ‘
mhmmm
’ before he hung up.

Broadway.

He
was going to Broadway.

In
two days.

“What’s
going on, love? What did Cat say?” Jared’s voice startled him and as he looked
at the man he loved – naked and dripping wet, skin flushed from the shower,
Fenix felt his whole perfect world starting to collapse around him.

Jared.

Jared
had his own musical, his own starring role. Broadway had never been his dream –
the man lived and breathed London.

Fenix
cleared his throat before he spoke, unable to meet Jared’s eyes.

“She
said
Poison
is moving to Broadway.
The papers have been signed this morning. I have to be in her office the day
after tomorrow.”

His
voice was flat and emotionless. Jared didn't speak, and Fenix couldn't even
hear him breathe. He managed to gather enough courage to look at his boyfriend
who was standing in the middle of the room, still dripping wet,
holding
a towel in his hand as if he’d completely forgotten
about it. And he was white as a ghost.

Fenix
jumped up and went to him, afraid he might topple over any second.

“What
did you say?” Jared asked finally.

“I
don't have too much of a choice, do I? I have signed a three year contract, of
which I have two years left. Wherever
Poison
goes, I go too.”

“Don’t
do that, Fenix!” Jared snarled, the colour coming back to his face, his cheeks
reddening with anger. “Don’t blame it on the contract. We both know Broadway
has always been your dream, that you were biding your time here until you got
your chance over there!”

“Yes!
You’re right! We
both
knew that! Then
why are you so angry? This shouldn't come as a surprise for you if you think
you know me so well!” Fenix shouted back, stepping away from Jared and creating
the space he needed to unleash his rage.

“I’m
angry because all this,” Jared spread his arms wide, gesturing around them,
“has apparently been temporary for you. Every time you fucked me and whispered
in my ear how much you loved me, how you wanted to spend the rest of your life
with me, it has been a
lie
.”

Fenix
closed his eyes, his chest tightening so much he thought his heart might jump
out.

“Don’t
say that, Jared. You know it’s not true! I do love you, and I do want you for
the rest of my life, but I can’t say no to Broadway.”

“You
won't
say no to Broadway, there’s a
big difference,” Jared growled and strode past him toward the bedroom. Fenix
followed him.

“No,
I
won’t
say no. Are you asking me to
give up my dream and put my career on hold for you?”

Jared’s
shoulders sagged and he ran a hand over his face in frustration. But when he
spoke his voice was calmer. Even. Flat.

“No,
I’d never ask you that, Fen,” he turned around and headed for the dresser to get
some clothes. “I knew it would come to this eventually. I just... I never
thought you’d throw away everything we have so easily, without even stopping
for a second to think about it.”

“But
it’s not like that, Jared. My going to Broadway doesn’t mean we are going to
break up. You can come with me,” Fenix said quietly as he went closer to Jared,
just a breath away from his bare back. He felt the heat and scent of his skin
assaulting all his senses and wanted nothing more than to touch him. Reassure
him that everything was going to be OK. Breaking up hadn't even crossed his
mind.

“Yeah?
So I’m supposed to
throw away
my
dream for you? I’m
supposed to pack and go, abandoning what I have worked all my adult life for?”
Jared turned to face him and Fenix was thrown back by the hostility in his
eyes. “Unlike you, this here, the show,
our
home, you
– it wasn't a stepping stone towards a bigger, brighter goal. It’s everything
I’ve ever wanted. Everything I have worked so hard for. Everything I love with
all my heart.” His voice broke and his eyes filled with tears.

Fenix’s
heart shattered.

He
had never seen Jared so distraught. The thought that he was the reason Jared
was hurting so bad was killing him.

“We’re
stronger than the distance that’s going to separate us, Jared. We can make this
work. We can visit each other, talk on the phone, video chat...” Fenix began,
but Jared’s bitter laugh cut him off.

“When
exactly are we going to visit each other, Fenix? You know very well how
gruelling the Broadway schedule is. We’d be lucky if we get a week off per year
at the same time.” Jared put on his sweat pants and t-shirt and padded down the
stairs, brushing past Fenix without sparing him a second glance. “
Skyping
and talking on the phone might be enough for you,
but it’s nowhere near what I want for us.”

Fenix
followed him down the stairs to the living room and almost collided with Jared
when he stopped and abruptly turned.

“I
want you in my life, in my home, in my bed every single night, Fen. But I can’t
just drop everything off and follow you across the world. I have obligations
too,
I have a contract, people who are counting on me...”
Jared trailed off, looking up at the ceiling, probably trying to hold his
emotions at bay. “I’m not going to ask you to stay, because if I do, you’d hate
me for it.”

Fenix
didn't confirm it. But he didn’t deny it either. They both knew it was true.

“But
I also can’t forgive you for leaving.” Jared’s lower lips trembled as a tear
slid down his cheek. Fenix realised his vision was also blurring which meant
his tears would spill over soon enough too.

“And
I can’t forgive you for staying,” Fenix said.

There
was no happy ending to this situation. Fenix needed to go and pursue his dream
or he’d always wonder what if. True, he wanted Jared to drop everything and
follow him, support him, love him every step of the way. However, he knew Jared
was not that kind of a man. He’d never leave everything he’d worked so hard for
and let everyone around him down, even if it broke his heart and shattered his
own personal happiness.

Fenix
grabbed his keys, phone, and wallet from the coffee table, heading for the
door.

“I
need some time to think about all this. I’ll be back soon,” he said without
turning around. He walked out, closing the door quietly behind him.

Chapter eighteen

Jared

Jared could not
believe this was happening. Deep down, he’d known the invitation from Broadway
would come sooner or later. But he never imagined it developing so fast. They
were perfectly happy one moment, and the next, Fenix was leaving.
Literally.
He’d be gone in two fucking days.

Fatigue
slammed into Jared, and suddenly all he wanted to do was crawl back into bed
and forget about all this. But he couldn't. He had a show tonight.

Sighing
heavily, Jared got dressed and headed for the theatre. At least work would keep
his mind off the mess his life was turning out to be.

Jared didn’t
see Fenix all day in the theatre. He didn’t wait for Jared in the dressing room
like he usually did. Jared decided not to dwell on that. Instead, he went home.
After a long, hot shower, he fixed himself a drink and his mind wandered.

Fenix
had made up his mind long before the call had even come. Broadway was his
ultimate goal, and nothing, not even Jared and what they had, could stand
between him and his dream.

Was
Jared right to judge him when he was doing exactly the same? He could go with
Fenix and find a job in a musical without a problem. It wouldn’t be a lead, but
at least they’d be together. Instead, he was choosing to stay behind to
continue building his own career.

Jared
didn't wait for Fenix to come back home after his show. He wasn't even sure he
would
come back home. The hot shower and
the drink relaxed him to a point where he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore.
He dragged his exhausted body into bed and fell asleep almost immediately.

Jared woke up
when Fenix’s warm body slid behind him and curled around his back. He held him
so tight Jared thought he might break his ribs. Fenix was shaking all over, but
Jared didn't turn to face him. He knew what was coming, and, like a coward,
didn't want to look Fenix in the eyes when he said it.

“I’m
sorry,” Fenix whispered, barely audible as he continued to tremble and clutch at
Jared.

Jared
knew what this was – it was Fenix saying goodbye.

“Me,
too,” he replied. Closing his eyes, he felt the hot tears streaming down his
face and soaking the pillow.

When Jared woke
up in the morning Fenix was gone.

Chapter nineteen

Jared

Three months
after Fenix left, Jared still wasn’t used to the fact that he wouldn't be there
when he got home. That Fenix wouldn't be sleeping quietly next to him when he
woke up. At night, Jared unconsciously tried to reach for him, to wrap his arms
around him and pull him close, only to wake up in panic that Fenix was not
there. It always took him a few seconds before he remembered.

Fenix
was gone and he was not coming back.

Jared
tried to erase Fenix’s presence in his home, but it was impossible. He took
down all the vintage Broadway posters Fenix had picked out and put them in the
back of the closet, still unable to throw them away.

It
didn’t help.

Fenix
was everywhere. Jared had contemplated selling the flat because it drove him
insane to live there without Fenix. Of course he couldn't do it
–
 
it
would drive him
equally insane not having anything of Fenix left.

So
the torture continued every single day. Jared had never felt so miserable, so
close to depression and complete despair.

The
show and Adam were the only things that kept him from drowning in his grief.
Jared worked harder on the show than he ever had. He rehearsed every day and
demanded the very best of his colleagues, blaming the show’s newly found
popularity. Ever since
Of Kids and Monsters
had won the Laurence Olivier award, it was sold out for months in advance. The
theatre offered the show’s producers an extra night to perform and they readily
accepted. Jared walked around the theatre, moody and irritable, quoting the
extra stress the show’s new schedule caused for his ill temper, but everyone
knew better.